Finding Alex - 23. Chapter 23

Sacha had absolutely the best day of his life, on the beach with Nik. He dozed, ate, paddled, directed Nik to build a sandcastle, put the recliner in the sea and let the waves wash over his legs…. He was so exhausted, he slept all the way home in the car, then went inside and straight to bed and sleep again.

The next morning he awoke, refreshed, bright eyed and ready to do it all over again, but Nik didn’t come. He hadn’t said he would, but Sacha had been hoping, in fact expecting him to, and he grew more and more restless through the day when he didn’t.

Lacey tried to keep him occupied, but he couldn’t settle to anything, and in the end, she offered to telephone Nik. That’s when Sacha remembered he had his own phone and made Lacey find it and program in Nik’s number. She tried to object, on the basis that she shouldn’t give out Nik’s number without his permission but a combination of a hard stare and twisted logic defeated her.

When Sacha spoke to Nik, on the third attempt, after two ignored messages, he was frustrated and wound up. When Nik was non-committal and bordering on cold, Sacha was confused and upset. Nik wouldn’t say when he was coming round again, or when he would talk to Sacha again and he wouldn’t talk about the day they’d had. In fact, it seemed he couldn’t get off the phone quick enough, and although Sacha couldn’t honesty have sad he was unfriendly, or unpleasant, he was definitely giving a message – I’ve backed off, so should you.

The call left Sacha feeling empty. Had it all been a dream? A beautiful dream? Had he made a terrible mistake? He’d been so sure Nik felt the same way he did. For God’s sake he’d kissed him. Not only that, but he’d treated him so kindly, so gently; made him feel precious and loved. Had he done something to change that? Had he driven Nik off somehow?

For hours, Sacha racked his brain over what he could have said or done to upset Nik, but nothing came to him. Even though he’d been more than half asleep and the parting was hazy, Sacha was pretty damn sure they’d both been smiling, and there’d been kisses involved. Less than twenty four hours later, his chances of more kisses seemed slim at best. What had changed?

“What are you so gloomy about?” Lacey asked, sitting next to him, as he stared out over the gardens. It was another beautiful day and James had dragged the chair out onto the patio, so Sacha could get the best of the sun. Everyone kept saying he was too pale, so he was happy to indulge them by sitting outside to toast. So far, there wasn’t much by way of a tan, although his nose had turned red.

Sacha tilted the brim of the shady hat he’d borrowed from Lacey, and looked at her, with his head cocked to one side. He frowned deeply.

“I’m trying to figure out what I did wrong yesterday? What I said to Nik to make him so mad at me.”

“Nik isn’t mad at you.”

“Oh yes he is. At least, something’s wrong. He’s barely talking to me.”

“I’m sure that’s not true.”

“Yes it is,” Sacha insisted. “Yesterday was great, wonderful, the best day of my life. We went to the beach and had dinner out of a basket. I walked in the sea and….” Sacha’s excitement disappeared and he sank back, the light vanishing from his eyes. “He kissed me. He kissed me and I thought it meant something. He said it meant something. It did to me.”

“I’m sorry, honey, but I’m sure it’s for the best. You’re not ready for that yet.”

There was something in what she said and the way she said it that sent a worm of suspicion wriggling into Sacha’s mind.

“You haven’t spoken to him, have you? Since yesterday?”

Lacey looked a little uncomfortable. “Not since he dropped you off.”

“But when he dropped me off. Did you speak to him after we said goodbye?”

“A few words. What has that got to do with it? The important thing is that you and he are friends and whatever happened you’ll always be friends. If he’s being a little cold at the moment, maybe he just needs space to think things through.”

“Oh no, you’re not getting away that easily. What did you say to Nik?” A deep suspicion was growing inside Sacha and it made his stomach churn.

“Nothing, Sacha…. I just…. I thanked him for giving you a great day and for taking care of you.”

“And?”

Lacey squirmed under Sacha’s lazer stare. “I just asked him to think carefully, that’s all. To be absolutely sure he knows what he’s doing. I reminded him how hurt you’ve been and told him to only take it further if he was absolutely sure it wouldn’t hurt you.”

“How can anyone be absolutely sure? Were you absolutely sure with Luke? Absolutely sure that you weren’t going to hurt him? It’s impossible. Is that all you said? Swear it.”

“Sacha, this is ridiculous. I’m not going to—”

Lacey started to get to her feet, but Sacha grabbed her arm. “Oh no. You’re not going anywhere until you tell me what I want to know. You said something. You said something that made Nik change and I want to know what it was.”

“I didn’t say anything to make Nik change, and I’m sure he hasn’t. I merely suggested, given everything you’ve been through lately, it’s a bit soon to start thinking of a relationship. You’re emotions are up in the air and you’re weak and vulnerable. You don’t know how you feel.”

This was completely new to Sacha. He’d never had someone tell him how he felt before. It wasn’t nice.

“I don’t need you to tell me how I fell. I know how I feel. I feel that I want to have a relationship with Nik. We’ve already discussed that I’m going to need help, and I’m going to talk to my psychiatrist before we take it any further. That is, have sex,” he said, waiting for, and getting-with a fair amount of satisfaction-a wince.

“Christ, Sacha, how can you even think of sex, the condition you’re in?”

“Honey, I can think of sex, any time any place and anywhere, no matter what condition I’m in. You’d be surprised what I’ve done, with whom and how I was feeling at the time. I’ve lost count of the times I got beat up before, during or after. At least this time I’d know Nik would be gentle.”

“Sacha, don’t talk like that.”

“Like what?”

“Like it doesn’t matter. Like you’re a…. Like….”

“What? Like I’m a whore? Or like I actually like sex? Or shouldn’t I talk about sex at all, because I’m only a baby and babies don’t do things like that?”

“Sacha, where is this coming from? Why are you talking like this?”

Sacha knew he was shocking her, hurting her even. All she’d seen so far was the frightened little boy. She’d never been introduced to Sacha, the mouthy little bitch, or Sacha, the absolutely blazingly angry because you may well have cost me my boyfriend, demon.

“Why am I talking like this? I’m talking like this because I want you to stop seeing me like some kind of frail little flower you’re afraid to look at wrong in case you crush me. Yes, I’ve been through a tough time, a horrible time, but I’m not as frail and vulnerable as you think, at least not on the inside. On the inside I’m…. I’m all kinds of things and, right now, I’m angry, Lacey. I’m, angry with you.”

“I can understand that.”

“No, you can’t. You can’t even begin to understand. For eight years of my life, I lived to serve other people. I’ve always done what I was told; good or bad, for better or worse. I’ve been hurt, beaten, used and abused, but that’s not what I am. I’m stronger than that. I have my own voice. I know I haven’t been using it but all this…. It’s too much. It’s all been too much. I just…. I’ve been scared of everything; I still am, but the thing I’m most scared of right now, is that you’ve driven Nik away and he doesn’t want to be with me anymore.”

“Oh Sacha…. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I was trying to protect you and—”

“I don’t want to be protected. Not from that. Not from love. I know I’m needy, and I know you all think I’m just clinging to the first person who shows me that kind of attention, and you might be right. Really, you might be, but I want the chance to see if what I’m feeling is true. I want to be left alone to make my own mistakes.”

“I understand,” Lacey said, placing her hand on Sacha’s arm. “No, I really do. I’ve been unfair. I know I have. I was only trying to help. It was done with love.”

“I think a lot of things done with love are bad. Just because they have love involved doesn’t mean they’re good or right, or even nice.”

“True.” Lacey brushed the hair out of his eyes. He’d braided it, but loosely and all the front had come free and was hanging over one eye. It didn’t bother him. In fact he’d barely noticed until Lacey tucked it behind his ear. “I often feel I’m talking to you through a screen,” she said, smoothing the burnished strands. You hide behind your hair a lot.”

“Do I?” Sacha was surprised, but as soon as he’d uttered the words he realised she was right. “I do, don’t I? Maybe that’s why I don’t really like braiding it, unless I’m alone, or it’s getting in the way.”

“I like it braided, although I like it loose too. Sometimes, I think it’s too beautiful to be twisted up and hidden away.” She was distracted, seemingly enraptured with his hair, twisting and curling strands so they caught the light in different ways.

“I kind of feel that about myself.” Now the reaction was wearing off; the gut wrenching anger and fear of losing Nik, fading, Sacha was getting scared for a different reason. “I’m sorry,” he said, startling Lacey out of her daydream.

“Sorry? For what?”

“For being so angry, talking to you like that. It’s not that I’m not grateful to you, Lacey; to any of you. It’s just….” Sacha closed his eyes and sighed, letting his head fall forward, so the brim of the hat cut him off from her. “I really like Nik,” he said softly. “I mean really like him. He lights me up.”

Lacey reached under the brim and lifted his chin. “I know you do, honey. I know. And I know Nik likes you, too. Give it some time. That’s all I ask. Nik isn’t going to go running off with anyone else, and neither are you. You’ve got all the time in the world. Just be friends for a while, get to know each other. Get used to being with each other. Then see where it leads. Don’t go jumping in with both feet, giving Nik all you have, only to find out he’s not what you want.”

“But he is. He is what I want.”

“How do you know what you want? You’ve had no experience. You’ve never even thought about having a relationship with anyone else.”

“How do you know?”

Lacey looked at him with shock all over her face. “Have you?”

“Yes, of course I have. I’ve had dreams, Lacey, just like everyone. The only difference is that mine could never have come true.”

“Who? Who could you possibly…?”

“Sometimes one of the older boys would be nice to me and I’d dream one day he’d really notice me and we’d run off to be together. Sometimes, one of the clients would be really nice to me, and I’d fool myself they cared. There was this one….” Sacha smiled at the memory. “Once there was a client who wasn’t very old. In his twenties, maybe. He was very rich and lived in a beautiful house. He was one of the very few clients, Ryland would let me see outside the farm. He’d send a driver for me.

“For a while I really did think he cared for me. It wasn’t very long ago, and I’d started thinking about things…long term things. I wanted to be cared for and I thought he cared about me. It was always me he wanted, and at one point it was almost every week.” Sacha bit his lip and sighed, surprised by how painful the memories were.

“It wasn’t even all about the sex. Sometimes I’d stay overnight and we’d talk. Well…he’d talk. He had a lot of dreams and plans. One day he asked me if I’d ever thought about the future and I told him I had lots of dreams about the future, about making my own way in the world. He laughed at me and told me I wouldn’t have much trouble with that. He promised that one day, when I was old enough, he’d help me find my dream.”

“What happened?” Lacey asked.

“Nothing. He just stopped. It wasn’t as if I could ask Ryland why. One day Ryland told me I wouldn’t be seeing him again; that he was no longer a client, and that was that.

“Do you think it could have been because he was getting too close to you? He may even have spoken to Ryland about you. Asked him to free you maybe?”

Sacha reeled back. He hadn’t even thought of that. He racked his brain, trying to remember every moment, every word of the conversation with Ryland. Was there a possibility Ryland was mad, not because he’d lost a client, but because the client had wanted more than just a whore? He shook his head and shrugged.

“Maybe. It doesn’t matter now.”

“If you had the chance to go back to that man, to be with him, have a relationship with him – a proper one – would you?”

Sacha thought about it. “No,” he said. “He was nice to me, very nice, and maybe he did try to get Ryland to let me go, but he wasn’t for me. He was a nice dream but…. Since I met Nik it’s been different. He’s real. What I feel for him is real. Please talk to him, Lacey. Please tell him you were wrong, make him come back again.”

Lacy shook her head. “I don’t think I can do that, Sacha.”

“Why not. You said you might have been wrong. You admitted it.”

“Yes, I did, and maybe I was wrong, but I didn’t tell him what to do. I expressed my concerns and what he did about them was up to him. If he’s chosen to back off, it’s because that’s what he feels is the right thing to do, not because I told him it is. I can talk to him, for sure. But I can’t tell him what to feel; what to do, and I’d not sure I was wrong. I still think it would be better to take things slowly.”

“And I told you, we were taking things slowly.”

“More slowly than just not having sex, hun.”

Sacha sighed, grinding his teeth. “Are you going to speak to Nik, or not?”

“Yes, I’ll speak to him. I’ll talk to him about this conversation, but don’t get your hopes up that he’ll come running around here and sweep you off your feet.”

“I don’t care. That’s not what I want. I just want Nik.”

“I’ll speak to him.”

“Now,” Sacha said, scrabbling for his phone. “Speak to him now.”

“Not right now.”

“Please.”

Sacha gave her his best pleading look and she laughed at him. “Alright, alright, I’ll speak to him. Not from your phone though, and not while you’re sitting next to me. I’ll go give him a call, then come back and let you know what he said, okay?”

“Tell him to come. Please Lacey, tell him to come.”

Lacey stood and looked down at him with pursed lips. She sighed. “I’ll do what I can.”

Sacha waited in a state of high agitation. Unable to sit still he got to his feet and wandered out to the edge of the terrace. Standing with his hands on the rail, breathing in the fresh scents of the garden and nearby herbs, he felt calmer. He could do this, of course he could. He didn’t need to see Nik every day. It would be fine to take things slow if only he knew Nik was thinking of him, wanting him, was coming back to him.

Sacha smiled to himself and absently brushed the hair out of his face. A breeze had blown up, and even more of his hair had escaped the plait, and was blowing across his eyes. It was going to be alright now. Lacey was going to make it alright.

When he heard the door, he turned and froze. The expression on Lacey’s face wasn’t nice. “What’s wrong?” he asked, not really wanting and answer.

“He’s gone.”

“What?”

“He’s had to go away, on business for his father.”

“Go where?” Sacha asked, his voice trembling. The world suddenly felt unstable, a fragile place that was likely to shatter and leave him in darkness.

“Abroad – the US.”

“Where’s the US?”

“America.”

“Oh. That’s…. That’s a very long way away.”

“Yes, but only a few hours really, if you think about it.”

“Why? Why has he gone away?”

“I told you, he’s gone on business for his father.”

“No. That wouldn’t happen like this. Not fast like this. No one’s made him go. He’s gone because of me.”

“Sometimes it happens like this, Sacha. Nik’s father is a very important man. Sometimes something comes up he can’t deal with, and Nik has to go do it instead.”

“But…but he didn’t say goodbye.”

“It was a last minute thing, Sacha. When I spoke to him he’d only just found out and he wasn’t very happy, I can tell you.”

“But…. I have to say goodbye, Lacey. How long will he be gone? When will he come back? Does he know? Does he know it’s okay to love me? Why hasn’t he called me? What should I do? What should I do?”

“I’ll tell you what to do. Nothing. Come sit down and be calm. Nik is in a bit of a state, what with having to go away like this and not having a chance to talk to you. He promised me he’d call you as soon as he can; as soon as he knows what’s happening. He…. He can’t call you right away, honey. Things are…complicated for him. He needs to get settled – in his head, and in his life. Then he’ll come back. I’m sure he’ll come back.”

“Are you?” Sacha asked, as he sank into the chair. “Are you really sure? Will he come back? Will he come back to me?”

“I’m absolutely sure. One thing he could tell me, was that he cares for you very much. He really is sad he has to leave and he really wants to be with you. One day he will be, I promise. One day soon.”

“How soon?”

“I can’t say.”

“How long will he be gone?”

“He doesn’t know. A couple of weeks, maybe, or a few months.”

“Months?”

“Possibly.”

“That’s a long time.”

“Not really. You have lots to do. For one thing, you have to get well and strong. By the time he comes home you’ll be back to your old self again, and there won’t be any reason at all why you can’t be together. Nik will sort it out. He told me to tell you he…. Well….”

“What? What did he say? What did he tell you?”

Lacey rubbed her hands on her trouser legs. She looked uncomfortable, even disapproving.

“What did he say, Lacey? I know you don’t like it and maybe I won’t but I need to know. Please. I’m sick of not knowing.”

“He said to tell you he loves you.”