Toph's Empty Year - 22. Early July

Monday was the first of July and the first I determined to get to the bottom of the Steve business. I had gone through a lot of mental phases on Steve. Of course, the shock of betrayal was the initial phase. I must admit that I did run from the situation. There was no way to sugarcoat it. I was a coward – an injured coward, but a coward nonetheless. The second phase was distance. I placed distance between myself and even thinking about Steve. I also put a distance between me and any other possible boyfriend. As Joanne noted, I became gun-shy. That period of time also gave birth to the next phase – the guilty one – which I was still not completely finished navigating. What was wrong with me? What did I do to chase Steve away?

When Niles informed me that Mother had somehow been dealing with Steve in the background, you would have thought the culpability phase would have passed, but it hadn’t. However, it did bring this final aspect to life, the one I was now inhabiting: my mother was responsible for it all. That would free everyone from blame but her. I was smart enough to realize this was not true, but it hung there in the orchard of my mind like plump, ripe, absolving fruit. There was only one way to get to the bottom of it and that was to talk with Steve. Only a month ago, I would have been afraid to confront him. After meeting with Moms, all that had changed. The simple truth was, Gary loved me and Gary’s parents loved me. You have no idea how that had liberated me and implanted a deep resolve.

I now fully intend to confront Mother before the wedding. I had enough evidence of her interference to provide most of the ammunition I needed. Once I got the real story from Steve, I’d have more than enough. I’d been thinking about this a lot. When that happened, I silently apologized to Gary for not ‘bouncing this off of him,’ as he wished. But sometimes one has to take responsibility into one’s own hands. This was not Gary’s fight or was it his mother’s. It was my battle, and I had become determined to make my voice heard, even if it meant a foray into my dreaded Euphoria.

With all that in mind, I called Steve when I knew he would be at lunch.

“Toph? What do you want?” There was an edge to his voice.

“I need to meet with you, Steve – the sooner the better. I’ll come to your apartment. Is there some time that could happen?”

“Oh, wow. You’re not going to get violent, are you?”

“Steve, you know me better than that.”

“Hehe, yeah, I guess that’s not your style. Look, I have a date tonight. How about tomorrow right after work? You know what time I get home.”

“OK. You’re on. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

At that point, my only worry was to get out of our gym workout tomorrow without Gary discovering what I was up to. But after thinking about it a little more, I decided to tell Gary. After all, only I could make this visit. It had to be done alone. Even Gary would be able to see that.

We were at his club resting after tennis.

“I won’t be able to go with you to the gym tomorrow.”

“Oh? What’s up?”

“I have a meeting.”

“Who with?”

“Steve.”

“Really?”

“Yep. I’m going to get to the bottom of the Stevegate affair.” That made Gary chuckle.

“Do you want me to wait outside in the car? Just in case you get a shocking revelation and need a hug.”

“Tempting as that may be, I need to be completely on my own for this. Can you understand?”

He thought for a moment. “Yes. It makes perfect sense to me. But if you’re really distraught, please don’t drive. Call me or at least take a cab. We can pick up your car later. I want you to stay all in one piece, love. I’m sort of selfish in that regard.” He leaned in and gave me a soft, meaningful kiss.

I stared into his eyes, slipping more deeply in love with the man who, I could plainly see, was helping mould the new Toph – Toph3.0.

He smiled back, but then got serious. “Thursday is The Fourth, you know. I hope you don’t mind, but I took the liberty of arranging for one of England’s private jets to fly us into Portland. Commercial travel will be a zoo that day. I know it’s not your style, but I guarantee you would not like the alternative.”

“How long will we stay in Maine?”

“I figure we could come home late Tuesday, the ninth. Is that OK with you?”

I leaned in; it was my turn to give him a soft, meaningful kiss. “Anything you arrange is OK with me.”

The next day crawled along until it was time to leave for Steve’s. It felt eerily familiar, taking the route my mind had memorized so well. I parked, but could see his car was not there yet, so I waited by mine. About five minutes later, I recognized his car pulling into its usual slot. He got out, warily checking the parking lot until his eyes zeroed in on TeAra and me. The look on his face was inscrutable, as if it were masking his true emotions. I approached, but didn’t know whether to shake his hand or hug him. I chose to do neither. I could be inscrutable too.

“Hello, Steve. How have you been?”

“Hi, Toph. I’ve been OK, I guess. You look a little different.”

“Really, how?”

“You seem taller and slimmer. Have you been well? I didn’t mean it that way; you really look terrific.”

He unlocked the door and ushered me in. “I must have gone through a late growth spurt. I shot up a few inches, but didn’t add any weight, so that’s why I look slimmer, I guess. Anyway, it sort of raised havoc with my old clothes. I’ve had to shop a bit – hehe.”

“Want something to drink?”

“Have a beer?”

“Sure!” He retrieved two beers as I followed him into the kitchen. Sitting at the breakfast nook, we each took a swig.

“You’re probably wondering why I’m here.”

“In a way, but I’m sure it has something to do with why we’re not together anymore.”

“Yes.” I could see his eyes drop to the tabletop and his beer. “First though, just out of curiosity, you mentioned a boyfriend. Is it that blond boy from New Year’s Eve?”

“Tracy? No. He works at Pettibone’s too, but we never became boyfriends. Just a hookup now and then.”

I have to admit it rankled me that he would hook-up while we were still together.

“Oh? Well, something’s been on my mind and I was hoping you could help me out.”

“Sure, Toph.” He continued to be very interested in the Formica pattern.

“What did I do wrong? It would help me if I knew – y’know, to not make the same mistake again.”

He continued looking down, and then spoke quietly, almost in a whisper. “Nothing, Toph. You didn’t do anything wrong.” Everything went purple.

WHAM! I slapped my hand on the table and stood, knocking over the stool I was on.

“Goddam it, Steve! Look at me!”

He did look into my eyes and the initial fright was replaced with something I could not identify, but it was not a comfortable look. “That’s better. Now, please explain what happened. I need to know!”

I think when I picked up the chair and sat, taking another sip, he calmed down.

“It was really several things. I became frightened. The first happened when we were at dinner that night at your apartment. That’s when I first met Gary. You had told me that afternoon you thought he was into you, so I watched him pretty carefully. I could see it too.”

“But, you know I – ” He silenced me by raising his hand and continuing.

“I didn’t doubt you. That was only the first inkling of trouble. I mean, he was just a dude who was quite a bit older than you. I didn’t worry much about him until you came back from your meeting with his father at that fancy restaurant. That was the first time I began to worry. I mean, I never knew he was such a big-shot. And then it sank in how rich and powerful his father was. I suddenly realized you were being absorbed into something I didn’t have the resources to fight.”

I tried to interrupt again, but he stopped me. Steve wasn’t finished yet.

“I know. You didn’t let it affect you, and I’m proud of you for that. But I also knew what would happen to you. But then, your mother visited me.”

“What?! She came here?”

“Yes, right to my door. When she identified herself, I let her in, figuring she was like my mother and wanted to get to know her son’s boyfriend a little. She told me you were a bit of a hothead when it came to your family, which sort of jibed with your story. I wondered where she was going with this.”

“Hothead?”

“Well, you did make a little scene and then left home.”

“Yeah, OK. So what did she do? Did she threaten you?”

“No, not then. She said she wanted to mend fences. She explained your whole family would be together for Christmas dinner and asked what we were going to do. When I said we’d be at my parents’ for Christmas Eve, she said that it was perfect. We could attend her dinner. When I raised doubt you would want to go, she tried to convince me how healing it would be for you. Up until that moment, I was seeing things from her perspective. That’s when she gave me the check.”

“Oh, shit.”

“Yes. At first I was shocked, but she tried to explain.”

“How do you explain a bribe?”

“Cleverly, that’s how. She knew it was going to be difficult for me to get you there. She left it up to me to figure out a way to do it. The money was for any expenses I might incur while trying to convince you. She also hinted there was enough to also be a personal ‘thank-you’ from her for all my effort.”

“How much?”

“Twenty-five thousand dollars.”

“That much for me to be at dinner. What if I didn’t go? Were you to return the money?”

“No. I asked her that very question. She said I could keep it for my efforts and maybe I could convince you to attend the next holiday meal. But it was pretty obvious she wasn’t expecting me to fail.”

“So you badgered me to say yes, and I did. Then you got mad at me when I said no.”

“No, Toph, that wasn’t what happened at all. For several nights after Christmas, I couldn’t sleep. The more all these rich people kept squeezing me, the more frightened I became. I mean, think! Here I was, in competition for you with Gary, who could buy or sell me, get me fired, even have me killed if he wanted to. On the other side was your mother who could do all the same things! I had more money in my pocket than I’d ever seen before. I knew I was in over my head – totally outclassed. There was only one safe way out that I could see. That was to not be your boyfriend anymore. I didn’t want to do it – I really didn’t! But I had no other option.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Because I was a coward. I thought maybe you would break up with me if I shoved Tracy in your face. I was surprised you never did. You just walked away.”

“No, I came to talk to you at lunch and saw you running across the street with him, laughing. I lost all interest in confronting you when I saw that. I knew it was over. I figured, why make a scene?”

“Toph, I’m sorry.”

“Me too, Steve. And if it’s any consolation, I sort of understand. I have just one last question; promise to be honest?”

“Sure. There’s nothing to hide anymore.”

“Did Gary get involved in any way with either the Christmas dinner or our relationship?”

“No, Toph. I never saw him again after that dinner at your apartment.

“Thanks, Steve. Thanks for being honest with me.” That was when I left.

How could I have asked that? I’m so weak!

I hated myself for asking that last question. You either trusted someone or you didn’t. I knew I didn’t deserve Gary. Deserve the same guy who was waiting for me when I returned. The same one who hugged me and asked if I were OK.

“No, I’m not.”

“What happened?”

“I betrayed you.”

“You had sex with Steve?”

“No, nothing like that. After he explained what my mother did, I asked him if you were involved in any way.”

“And?”

“There is no ‘and.’ I never should have asked. I should have trusted you. Now I feel like shit. Now I feel like I just broke up with you.”

“Do you still love me?”

“More than you can imagine.”

“Then you can’t break up with me. I love you the same way.”

“But I….”

“Shush! You asked what you needed to. I take no offense.” Gary’s lips touched mine. I hugged him and began to sob. I was becoming a crying infant the older I got.

After holding on long enough for me to realize he was my rock, I separated and kissed him gently too. But I was suddenly hungry for this unbelievable man. My kisses grew more urgent – more impatient. I grabbed his hand and dragged him into our bedroom. My body beseeched him to love away all my weaknesses, and he did – and I cried again! I never moved after that and slept through till morning, contented and protected by his embrace. It was the morning of the Fourth of July, Independence Day.

We left for the airport, but drove to the opposite side of the runways from the terminal. This was where the private jets were. With no hassle at all, we were aboard and in the air, headed for Portland. Gary explained his parents had a summerhouse on Southport Island. I assumed we would be renting a car, but my amazing man surprised me again. It was a quick cab ride to the seaport, where he had made arrangements for us to be taken across Casco Bay, saving at least an hour of driving around it, so he said. The charter was docked near a place called J’s Oysters, where we ate an enormous number of steamed clams for lunch.

Soon Captain Henry was approaching a large island. Gary was explaining to him where the house was when he suddenly turned my body, pointing out our destination. As we slowed toward the dock, we passed a sailing craft moored just off starboard. When we did arrive alongside the pier, I couldn’t wait and jumped out before the boat stopped. I secured the forward spring line to the stern cleat for the short few minutes it took to unload Gary and our bags. Captain Henry chuckled at my impatience and waved as – a few minutes later – he backed out and opened up, returning to Portland. I stood at the end of the dock to admire the sailboat.

“She’s beautiful!”

“She’s a Morris 36, built right here in Maine – all handmade.”

“I’ve never seen that design before.”

“That’s because it’s brand new, just introduced.”

“When can we sail?”

“Tomorrow morning?”

“I have to wait that long?”

Gary chuckled. “Well, we need to settle in, go for dinner and maybe watch some fireworks. That sounds like a pretty full rest-of-the-day. We’ll be fresher and more relaxed tomorrow. But we will be on the water to get dinner.”

By the time we unloaded our gear and opened the house it was late afternoon. Gary suggested we navigate around the island and then eat at a special place he knew. Walking out on the dock, we took off in the small dinghy, which was tied there for transportation to the Morris. She mocked us as we motored past her and headed south, paralleling the island’s coast. This island was larger than I had expected. Soon I could see a lighthouse ahead. It was on a small rock just south of the island. Gary navigated between three islands, the larger one on our starboard, Cape Island, and two smaller ones aport, The Cuckolds. The smaller Cuckold held the lighthouse.

“The keeper’s house has been converted into a small bed and breakfast. You can only get there by boat, and it’s booked years in advance.”

Fascinated, I put my binoculars on it as we motored by. We then headed north to follow our island’s western coast until our heading became northeast and then east into a small channel.

“We’re in Townsend Gulf. See that line of boats ahead?”

“Yeah. Why are they like that?”

“Masted and larger craft line up here for that swingbridge ahead. It is the only road onto the island. We’re low, so we can go under the bridge.”

Sure enough, Gary slowed significantly as we approached the bridge and began to pass beneath. Just as we were under it, I heard the bells and horns announcing it was about to open to allow the craft waiting on either side to pass. Turning, I watched it swing, creating a clear path for the boats. We passed the westbound queue, and almost immediately Gary pulled alongside a dock. I got out and secured our small boat. After a few steps we entered a restaurant, precariously perched on the rocks near the bridge and half out onto a concrete pier.

“This is Robinson’s Warf. It’s the only restaurant on the island. You’ll love the seafood.”

We chose to sit not in the dining room, but out on the dock at a table under a Cinzano umbrella. When the young waitress approached to take our drink order, I looked at Gary.

“Have the Geary’s ale, you’ll love it.”

I tried to take in the incredible view; all the blue of the sky and water produced a most calming effect. I began to look at the menu, trying to decide between lobster and haddock entrées. Before I could get very far, we were distracted by the loud engine of a boat arriving on the opposite side of the dock from where we were sitting. A young guy climbed up to our level and began to operate a winch I hadn’t noticed before. Soon crates of fresh lobster were hauled onto the concrete, only ten feet from where we were sitting. At the same time, a small forklift made its way between the tables and lifted the payload of hundreds of lobster. It swiveled, and returned to the restaurant building. Well, that certainly made my choice easy. You couldn’t get any fresher than that. It was lobster for Toph!

The most delectable lobster, and hearty Geary’s ale, made for a perfect light dinner. I gave Gary my piece of corn on the cob. I only ate corn in season. I knew this was probably some gummy stuff imported from Florida. Wow! I just heard myself. Did I know this guy who was talking?

After dinner we stayed right there on the dock, but moved off onto some Adirondack chairs. The establishment had placed these further toward the end of the pier. It’s where we had our final ale. The trip back was short. Our place must have been pretty far north on the island’s east coast. It’s when I realized the east coast meant sunrise!

There was a short yard between the house and the water. It’s where we watched some fireworks, probably from Boothbay Harbor, according to Gary. My sweetheart was right; the day was a full one. Although, we did find the time and energy for making love that first night.

I let Gary sleep-in the next morning, as I extricated myself from his embrace and took a freshly brewed cup of coffee to the dock to watch the sky lighten and observe the sun rise over the end of a peninsula, which I later discovered was called Ocean Point. This gave me some time to think. I couldn’t remain angry with Steve. He was simply overwhelmed by money and power, and was totally unprepared to deal with it. What I had grown up with, and considered phony and supposititious, had actually frightened him and he fled. I could understand that.

Learning she put such a large sum of money into his hands made me bristle at my mother. She tried to buy off Austin with money. She tried to control me with money. She succeeded in running off Steve with money, even if it was not her intent. From virtually the moment I left, she had tried to interfere with my life. Money had been her weapon of choice, or perhaps it was the only one she had. Something needed to be done before Clarissa’s wedding. I needed to confront MATER.

“Beautiful, no?”

“Yes, I love sunrises. They offer so much hope. You didn’t mind I snuck out, did you? I figured you’d like to sleep.”

He came right up to me and caressed my face.

“I love you so much.”

Well, that needed to be rewarded with a kiss, which I gave him.

“Do me a favor, love?”

“Anything, Gary.”

“Try to stop thinking about whatever you’re thinking about and simply enjoy the weekend. Think after you get home?”

“Yeah, I’m sorry.”

“You’ll be able to make better decisions if you’re completely recharged. Now let’s eat a bit, and then get on Aura for some sailing.”

I couldn’t argue with that. I did as my sweetheart suggested, and for the next four days, we were completely on vacation. We sailed, visited a few harbors to wander and enjoy delectably fresh seafood and, except for one night, returned to the summerhouse each evening. We decided to spend Sunday night on Aura. It was fun and it was romantic. After dinner that night we were a good four hours away from the house anyway. I’ll admit there were a few times, in the evenings, when my mind began to wander into thinking, but Gary was quick to notice and bring me back with a few of those methods guaranteed to focus all my attention on us.

Tuesday was for buttoning everything up. No sooner was the luggage on our dock, than Captain Henry motored up, and by Tuesday night we were safely snuggled into our own bed in the apartment.

“Thank you, Gary. Thanks for the weekend, for the sailing and for making sure my mind recharged.”

“My pleasure, love. Now you can return to overthinking things.” He chuckled.

“Well, you may be surprised. I think I’ve learned a few things on this vacation.”

“Oh?”

“Yes. I can’t describe it exactly, but each time you sensed I was about to start worrying and thrashing over my thoughts, there was a similar color in my mind; it was sort of a dim light-purple. Toward the end of our vacation, whenever that shade began to appear, I got involved with something else and didn’t slip into that state. You might have just given me a defense against my debilitating deliberations. Anyway, I’ve decided to take more action and do less thinking.”

“Really? Action, as in?”

“Mother.”

“Oh? Do I dare ask?”

“The night I came back from Steve’s, I told you what she had done to that poor guy and what he was feeling. At this point I have a catalogue of her attempts to interfere with and control me. There’s nothing left to overthink or even plain old think. To prevent her from ruining Clarissa’s wedding with a big scene, which could be her plan of punishment for Clarissa, I need to pay her a visit.”

“Are you certain?”

“There’s simply no other way. She’s got to be stopped before she spends her retirement ruining everyone’s life.”

“Do you need a weapon?”

I couldn’t tell if he was being sarcastic or serious. “I have one of my own – the facts. Let her answer to me for a change.”

“Maybe you should visit Moms before you take that step?”

“Now who’s overthinking?”

A little blush swept over Gary’s face. “Yikes! When did my sweet Toph become my feisty Toph?”

“When someone fucked with me, that’s when.” I kissed him on the nose, snuggled into his arms and fell blissfully to sleep.

The next day was Wednesday and TALON day. I was much more alert and, for a change, contributed quite a bit. Upon arrival, I thanked Luke for Texas Boys. I didn’t need to say another word. Luke’s no dummy and I could tell from his smile everything I needed to know about his influence in getting the painting home, where it always belonged. Speaking of those Texas Boys, after the meeting I gave Oscar what I had outlined and written so far, and accompanied him home.

“One hundred twenty-two chapters? Are you sure?”

“That’s how many days there are between Labor Day and New Year’s Eve. I want a chapter for each day.”

“Your readers will get bored.”

“I’m not writing this for any readers, Oscar. The story is writing itself. And a spooky thing is that it’s starting to include some symbolism. I had to think about some events for a long time because I didn’t understand why I chose a particular confrontation or experience. Suddenly I realized it was a symbol for something else. Sometimes a metaphor and sometimes a representative token. No reader would ever discover those things. This story will be only for me.”

“You have a pretty complete outline here with several plot threads. Do you have any chapters fleshed out?”

I handed him a stack of papers. “These aren’t sequential. When I thought about the outline, certain chapters became touchstones and I was compelled to write those first. Nothing’s been revised. These are just first drafts. Could you look them over? Not to edit, but to comment on the feel you get for the story. These are the critical moments in J’s journey and the story will flow through those moments.”

“Certainly, Toph; certainly. I look forward to reading these. May I keep the outline to see where all this fits?”

“Be my guest. You’re doing me a great favor, Oscar. You know it’s funny, but this filling out the critical points before filling in the details is exactly the way I’ve been painting.”

He put the writing aside and we enjoyed some of his smooth rye before I left, thanking him again.

Saturday was the thirteenth and an ominous day indeed. The mail was usually delivered early on Saturdays and there it was, sinister and menacing, lying benignly among the other items.

“You open it.” I gave it to Gary.

“It’s addressed to you.” He gave it back.

“I can’t. I can’t be the first to look at it.” Again, I gave it to him.

This time my sweetheart indulged me and slit open the letter from Abington. I studied his face but he was too good. There was not a single tic or flaw from the perfect poker face.

“I’m dying over here!”

“You’ve been accepted, and given a free ride.”