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- 03/10/2016
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Toph's Empty Year - 11. Late January
Loneliness.
My weekends were vacant now. I took to discovering New Glory again, as I did when I first arrived. The only difference was I knew at the end of each tour I would return to Niles’ park. It was inevitable. I didn’t fight it. On my first return, there she was again.
She was alone. I mean in her life. I could easily detect that now. Only the lonely can so easily perceive it in another soul. She was on a bench across a sward of park. We were reflections of each other, reverse images of sadness.
I held the sadness of failure, the failure of my first relationship. I had lowered my shields and then was attacked. However, I vowed not to raise them again. I’ve matured, in a way. Perhaps the fire from my breakup also served as the fire to anneal me. But, as with metal, the cooling down must be slow and gradual for maximum results.
On the other hand, my reflection had a mission. She was feeding the pigeons, who greedily swarmed around her. What brought her to this? Who was she and why did she need to feed those pigeons?
I succumbed to Oscar’s gentle nudge. My mind began to create the back story of this humble woman. I decided her name was Antoinette. It was a name filled with hope and prospect. Her parents chose the name because it described the charm and a certain elegance they were so sure she would grow into.
When she was five years old, Antoinette fell in love for the first time. She did to the degree any five year old could fall in love. He was the same age, vacationing at the small lake with his family, as Antoinette was with hers. They each took an instant liking to the other as they labored, constructing sand castles on the beach where they found themselves daily. It was an idyllic time which, being five, she believed would never end. But, as vacations do, this one did end after two weeks. The need for this, Antoinette never understood. Of course, her family convinced her they would return in a year’s time when she could continue her friendship with the little towhead. Naturally, this never happened. Antoinette did not forget the failure of her first relationship.
The bitterness of her loss remained. She did not allow herself to fall in love again until she was twelve. Naturally, it was another little towhead. Unfortunately, they were each very shy and didn’t connect until near the end of the school year. Her bliss waxed again for nearly an entire month. When vacation began, they swore their love for each other and promised to keep connected and even visit over the summer. That did not happen because, once again, her love was wrenched from her grasp as fate had the audacity to dictate his family move that summer. Antoinette spiraled in to a depression only found in girls of a certain age. During her final year in middle school, she became morose and withdrawn.
These were the exact traits one could never exhibit in middle school. Therefore, as could be easily predicted, Antoinette became a social outcast. Being a social outcast in the final year of middle school also doomed her for the entire high school career. It was a stigma she could not erase. To compound her isolation, near graduation time her mother died and subsequently she began to take care of her ailing father.
Thus her fate was sealed. She was undone by her intense loneliness, aggravated by the loss of her mother.
Remembering Oscar’s encouragement, I decided to write Antoinette’s little story. It was painfully difficult for me. I am certain I wrote and rewrote the little tale a hundred times. I knew Anders and Gary were chuckling between themselves as I banged away on my laptop nightly, cursing and moaning.
Finally, I gave up making changes. I printed the damn thing to discover it was only two pages long! In my mind I had written War and Peace. It was a childish and awful attempt at writing, but I had done it. I had written my first bit of fiction. Anyway, I placed it in the bottom drawer of my desk to die a natural death, like the whatever-it-was between Steve and me.
. . . . . . . .
On Monday, a new letter arrived in the mail.
Dear Toph,
Just a quick note as a reminder I haven’t forgotten you. Maybe we should meet, if just to catch up. I only have sketchy reports of your life since our last meeting in November. I’m sure you have lots to report. You’ll discover I’m a willing listener.
You may not be interested, but I can bring you up to date on Clarissa and the big blowup at Christmas. Also Nico and Austin, but only if you want. I would never force any of this on you. I’ve enclosed another card, in case you (ahem) lost the one I gave you.
Please, just shoot me a text to let me know one way or the other. No pressure!
Niles
Only if you want. No pressure. Niles is a cunning fox.
I never doubted for a minute Niles was clever. He wouldn’t pressure me to listen to anything, but told me there was a blowup at Christmas involving Clarissa. It hung there, suspended, like a big juicy worm on a hook. A blowup, with whom? Certainly not her boyfriend. The news would have been described quite differently if that were the case. No, only the Christmas dinner I missed could have been the venue, and the blowup was with Dennydom. Had my reckless Labor Day divorce somehow sown the seeds for Dennerdämmerung?
He wanted to bring me up to date with Nico and Austin? What could possibly have occurred to bring me up to date? Were they not experiencing the joys of living amongst the privileged at privileged schools? What could be new? Did something happen to them during Christmas break too? I’m sorry, but I had serious difficulty envisioning Nico engineering a blowup with Papa Popendropolis. With only older sisters, he was the heir apparent.
Niles said he was still interested in me. He was devastatingly beautiful. How could a relationship even work? I mean, he lived in Euphoria, so we’d always have to meet here. I’m sure that would grow old fast for Niles. Whatever did you have up your sleeve, you sly boy?
I stand here in awe of you Niles. You have quickly snagged me now! Your note arrived precisely when I was feeling the crushing weight of my loneliness. Did you somehow know? I’ll bet you did. Then a beautiful boy makes me an irresistible offer. You are simply too clever. I have to meet with you now, if only to reward you for that. Maybe we can become closer. Maybe I’ll even reward you with a kiss.
I had not (ahem) lost his previous cards.
I sent Niles a text. Within a few minutes, we set a place – his park – and a time – next Sunday afternoon – for the visit. It would be good for me to actually look forward to something again.
I think with some things I’m ready to move on.
. . . . . . . .
These last weeks of January saw me still working with the architects. They were really a great bunch of guys, even though none was Frank Lloyd Wright. They even dragged me out Friday, the twenty-fifth, which was the final Friday of January. Having seen firsthand the evils alcohol could accomplish, I kept my fake ID safely parked in my wallet and also safely imbibed in Perrier.
While a lot of beer unquestionably disappeared from our table, my colleagues seemed to be not dangerous. Perhaps they were a little loose though, because they did agree to a proposal I made. I don’t understand why I even brought it up, but I requested some time off, the beginning of next week, to visit some of the strip malls England unfortunately has been responsible for. I wanted to make some sketches showing how more interesting results might have been accomplished.
Not only did they agree, but they seemed sincerely enthusiastic for me to do exactly that. Thinking about it later, I decided either they were intoxicated beyond what I could detect or they found it a good way to get the pain-in-the-ass out of their department for a few days. Whichever was their motive, I thought it would be an unusual and interesting addition to my Abington portfolio.
Another thing the Friday night on the town did was take my mind off this absurd straightjacket of isolation I was beginning to feel. It was so constricting, I hadn’t even been able to paint anything since completing the bird lady.
. . . . . . . .
Sunday’s meeting with Niles was interesting and disappointing. Interesting because of his reports. Disappointing because of my paralysis.
As one would expect, Clarissa’s wedding was being skillfully removed from her control by our mother. The normal script for this would be for her to complain to Mother and then be mollified by a few concessions. Meanwhile, the essence of the plan would remain in place, and everyone – mother – would be happy. I had already attended this play several times before.
“From my sources, that’s not how it went.”
“Who on Earth was your source, Niles? I hope it wasn’t Clarence.”
“No, hehe, it was Teddy himself.”
“Teddy?”
“Yes, your mother tried to engineer a dinner with the entire family and their chosen ‘others’ present.”
“I take it Teddy is Clarissa’s husband-to-be?”
“Yes. Clarence was there with Vivvy and you were supposed to be there with Steve.”
“Vivvy Van De Mark?”
“The very one.”
“But she was in my group! She's so much younger than Clarence.”
“Maybe when she discovered you were a Denny dud, she went for the next Denny dude.”
We both broke into uncontrollable laughter at Niles’ witticism. It was worthy of TALON. Gosh, I couldn’t remember the last time I laughed like that. Then something he said suddenly hit me.
“Wait. She expected me there with Steve? Why did she think I would even attend, let alone bring him?”
“According to Teddy, there were two places set for you and a visibly upset mother when they stayed empty the entire dinner. That is, until Clarissa made your mother forget about you.”
“Before you explain Clarissa’s little scene, would it be possible for you to contact Teddy sometime to see if he has any idea why she expected Steve?”
“I don’t have to. He already told me.”
“Niles! Don’t let me hang here waiting!”
“Hmmm. Maybe I want to sell you the information.”
“I don’t have a lot of money.”
“Who said anything about money?” He was grinning now.
“Niles?!”
“Easy, Toph. I only thought a kiss would be fair exchange. We’ve been here for a half hour and I’m desperate!”
“That’s OK. I was going to give you one anyway.”
“Oh? ...”
I didn’t know if he was going to add anything to his sentence or not, but it was interrupted anyway with a kiss from me. While I was in the middle of my first hungry kiss, I recalled how much I enjoyed his other kiss, all those months ago. The only thing wrong was the angle of being side-by-side on a park bench. I remedied that by swinging my leg over to straddle Niles, forcing myself and my lips into him. The kiss was hot, I’ll admit. We were hot too, as we could certainly feel, pressed into each other as we were.
I reluctantly broke the kiss and got off him.
“Probably not a good idea to continue that out here on a park bench.”
He chuckled. “No doubt.”
“OK, there was my little payment, now more of the story.” I was actually smiling! It felt so good to smile.
“Let’s see, where were we ...”
“Teddy knew she expected Steve.”
“Right. Well Teddy overheard your mother and father talking after the dinner. She specifically told your father she had talked to Steve.”
“Holy shit! She tried to manipulate me too.”
“Teddy said he had her pegged back on Thanksgiving. That was some of the issue with Clarissa.”
“First, before you get into that, tell me about Teddy.”
“Sure. Remember I told you Clarissa and I both attended Princeton?”
“Yes. I do remember.”
“Well, I met Teddy as a freshman. We became close friends and ultimately roomed together from sophomore through senior years. I hope you get a chance to meet him, Toph. You’d like him. He’s very unpretentious, although his family is both rich and politically powerful. But you’d never guess. He’s an honestly nice guy. That’s how Clarissa met him. He was always along anytime Clarissa and our little gang got together. Clarissa can be a little prickly.”
“For sure!”
“But she soon fell head over heels for Teddy. In fact, they’re quite a pair together. He’s done a lot for her. She’s a better person now.”
“OK. Teddy’s a good guy. Now tell me about the blowup.”
Niles paused. I chuckled and gave him another kiss. It wasn’t as intense as the last, but I wasn’t going there again, on the park bench. All his kisses were nice.
“Now, about Christmas. Teddy has visited a lot, naturally. He determined right away he wasn’t staying at or anywhere near the Denny home. In fact, he always stays down in the city near the waterfront. You know the Hilton down there?”
“Yes, right across from the big Anglican cathedral.”
“Well yes, and that was part of the problem. Teddy fell in love with the cathedral and had even befriended the bishop and several of the priests who base themselves near there. I’m sure some Teddy-dollars were involved somehow, but it’s where he wanted the wedding. That was deviation number one from your mother’s plan. She intended the wedding to be at your church in Floria.”
“I’m sure some Denny-dollars were involved there somehow.”
“I’m sure too. The second sin was Clarissa announcing, since the wedding was to be downtown, they didn’t want the reception to be at the Country Club.”
“Ouch! I can see the clouds gathering. Damn! If I had known about this, I might even have attended Christmas, just to watch!”
“I guess you missed quite a show. That’s where Teddy got into the middle of it. He often goes to an exclusive restaurant on the river. Do you know which one?”
“Yes, in fact I ate there in December. It’s about as exclusive as you can get!”
“I did tell you Teddy was rich.”
“Don’t tell me the reception will be there!”
“The reception will be there. Serious Teddy-dollars were involved, I’m sure. At the dinner, Teddy pretty much took over, explaining exactly how and where the wedding would be, and the fact his family would be paying for it. He completely pulled the rug out from under your mother.”
“Oh shit. Two troublemakers for the Denny’s and their names both begin with a T.”
That got us both laughing again, which I ended with a short kiss.
“What about Nico and Austin? You mentioned them.”
“Austin wants – no needs – to meet with you, anytime, anyplace. He says you have unresolved issues?”
“He’s right. If you see him again, give him my number. I owe him an honest talk. I was a little hurtful in August, but my total focus was on fleeing Euphoria at that point.”
“Nico has a bigger difficulty. Papa is not well and Nico is expected to take over the business. The problem is Papa might not make it four more years. Nico would need to leave school, although he doesn’t want to. He has no choice about the business. You know how hands-on and personal Papa Popendropolis is, and Nico will need to be the same way. It’s the only way his kind of thing works. So it’s tough for Nico. Not life threatening, but tough for a twenty year-old. By the way, he wants to talk with you too. As you know, he always considered you his best friend and can’t get his head around his life with you suddenly absent. Here’s his number; you should give him a call. Sort of tidy up loose ends with him.”
“You’re right, Niles. It’s been bothering me a bit too. My painting and then the thing with Steve had pretty much swallowed up all my thoughts last autumn. That together with becoming comfortable in New Glory.”
“What about us, Toph? I know you’re single again. Do we have any chance?”
“I don’t know, Niles. I’m sure you realize I like you, but it hasn’t yet been a month. I think I'll need a little longer to heal. I’m not trying to put you off, but don’t miss out on something if it comes your way. I think it would be really bad if I got into a relationship right now. Bad for all concerned.”
And so, after another lovely kiss, I walked Niles back to his car and he left.
I think with some things I’m not ready to move on.
. . . . . . . .
The end of the month was a Thursday. Joanne was over to make dinner again, not an unusual occurrence. I was her helper again, a usual occurrence. We worked so well together we could talk without interruption. It was a good thing. I needed some third party advice. Anders was useless for this type of thing. Gary would have been a good choice except for two minor points. First, he was not an impartial observer. Second, I wasn't finished being coldish to him.
I realize that last sentence makes me sound childish. Maybe I’m not mature enough yet to sound oldish.
OK, I knew I was being extreme with Gary. I promised myself that February would bring a thaw.
Back to Joanne. I needed her advice and she normally had pretty good instincts.
“I’m in a bad spot.”
“How so, Toph?”
“I miss being in a relationship, or whatever it was Steve and I had. I never had anything quite like it before. I think I grew accustomed to it, without fully realizing how it was changing something inside me. Now, without it, I’m sort of lonely.”
“Isn’t there anyone you could be interested in?”
“That’s just it. I crave a relationship but at the same I’m time fearful of one. Is that normal?”
“After your sudden and unexpected breakup? Yes, I think it’s perfectly normal.”
“You think I’m gun-shy.”
“I know you’re gun-shy. But it’s normal. Give it a little time, I’m sure you’ll overcome it.”
“On a different matter, what do you think I should do about Gary?”
“Do you hate him?”
“No.”
“Do you miss him? I mean doing things with him?”
“Yes.”
“You think you’re punishing him, right?”
“Sort of...”
“Toph, think. Who are you really punishing?”
“I get it. Thanks, Joanne.”
I talked to Gary often during our dinner that night. I believe It’s when it finally sunk in. I missed him. I had been childish. What I should have done was have it out with him back in December. It would have cleared the air and been taken care of by now. He would have understood my feelings. I would have understood why he did what he did, instead of resenting it. I would not have lost two months.
Thanks Joanne, I learned a lot from you today. You’re a great teacher!
After dinner, Gary and I sat together on the sofa and talked while the TV was mindlessly filling in background noise. I had missed his intellectual conversations. He took up where we had left off in November, as though my winter had not been so full of discontent.
We made plans for the gym and tennis the next day after work. The first of February would bring springtime for Toph, even if it was pushing the season a bit. But that’s how I felt right now. I was eager for a change. I had been treading water a little too long.
I would be twenty in March!
It was time for Toph to march!
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Note: While authors are asked to place warnings on their stories for some moderated content, everyone has different thresholds, and it is your responsibility as a reader to avoid stories or stop reading if something bothers you.
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