my dad died in 1992. when he died i wasn't sad that he died, wasn't happy either. i was numb. we didn't have much of a relationship by then (too long of a story to go into). sadness did come, but later and in unexpected times. No one can tell another how to grieve or how long to grieve. tomorrow tell them you'll remember Pawpaw in your own way, just like they are. i was at the viewing with a group of his co-workers. we were laughing about something that i had said and my dad would have found extremely funny, but i was vilified because i dared to laugh. if they ask if you're sad, tell them you will miss him(assuming that true), but right now you're numb.

moggy

PS. sorry you have to deal with all this

2 minutes ago, mogwhy said:

 my dad died in 1992. when he died i wasn't sad that he died, wasn't happy either. i was numb. we didn't have much of a relationship by then (too long of a story to go into). sadness did come, but later and in unexpected times. No one can tell another how to grieve or how long to grieve. tomorrow tell them you'll remember Pawpaw in your own way, just like they are. i was at the viewing with a group of his co-workers. we were laughing about something that i had said and my dad would have found extremely funny, but i was vilified because i dared to laugh. if they ask if you're sad, tell them you will miss him(assuming that true), but right now you're numb.

 

moggy

PS. sorry you have to deal with all this

Thank you. Why is it our families think that if one of us isn't showing emotion, we're not mourning correctly. Hell, the man lived almost 91 years. He lived a full life. What's there to mourn? I think the only thing he ever wanted to do that he never got the chance to do was go to Israel; even then, he would say I would like to see the "Holy Lands" and I know he meant Israel as it was in the Bible, not now. 

Every person mourns in their own way, and their own time.

However, I think you may be more in shock than apathetic.

Calm down. You are feeling something.  

You don't have to weep or tear out your hair. It's also quite new, recent. Just be quiet and peaceful and listen.

When you grandmother cries, comfort her. When people need help, do so. When they say they are sorry, say thank you. Hug people. Be strong for them if you feel peace at your grandfather's passing. As things settle down you may find you cry a bit. But you don't have to force things.

There is no wrong way to mourn. We each do it our own way.

When my grandmother died more than 30 years ago, I cried my eyes out at her deathbed.  However at her funeral, I acted as though it had been a party, I flitted around greeting friends and family.  That was until I saw my father at the back room of the funeral parlour, he was looking at his mother in her casket and had tears steaming down his face; it was then that I realised that I might have acted a bit inappropriately at a funeral ... but I couldn't bring myself to cry even when they finally lowered the lid of the casket.  Everyone deals with death (of a family member) in a different way.  If you don't even understand how you're feeling at this moment, then why should other people assume to know how you should feel ?  You may have to deal with a few awkward situations in the next few days, but honestly, you just need time to process your own sentiments.  There is no single appropriate way to feel things because each one of us is different, so if you feel sad or if you only remember the good times with your grandfather or if you don't feel anything at all, it will all be alright.  

Like everyone told you we all deal with death differently. Like you said your grandpa had a full life, I guess that makes it a bit "easier" to accept too.

I - and I know a few members of my family did too - felt relieved when my grandpa died. He was sick so he was now in a better place and as aweful as that may seem we didn't have to "deal with it" anymore. But I remember at the funeral, I was laughing with my dad and brother, making fun of an old aunt like we always do but then I turn around and they were taking the casket out off the car, that when it sinked in and I cried. But the next day I didn't felt anything anymore but sometime it comes back when I'm at my grandma's and I realize he isn't there anymore. 

Give yourself some time, it's still new, mourning is a process, maybe you think you don't feel anything right now but you might in a day or two or in a week or even a month.  

My stepdad died last August after a brief battle with cancer. We were relieved that he no longer had to suffer but like you I was mostly numb. The mourning came in passing moments. Like the stand at the farmers market where bought him things or watching golf or when I walked into my mum's last November and watched my pup run through the house looking for him. Those moments still come as his being gone becomes more real and solid in my mind.

Mourning comes in stages. You feel what you feel when you feel it. Apathy is your way of coping right now and entirely appropriate. The Irish hold wake after the funeral to party and celebrate the person who was. To most tight arsed Americans that seems disrepectful. A pox on them.

My mum is still working through her feelings. Most days she's fine but on some she's not. Feel what you feel when you feel it and to hell with the rest. If someone asks why your smiling tell 'em you're thinking of a happy memory. If you seem apathetic tell 'em your still feeling numb. Meanwhile you have friends here that are willing to listen or just offer a hug.

One of my son's Disney channel show has a line "if you don't like the questions, change the conversation." I suggest you do that.

Don't try to act sad. Instead of waiting for your family to come to you, go to them. Grab a spriral bound notebook, or a tape recorder, your laptop if it has a camera and enough space to record, anything to make a record. Ask each family member to tell you their favorite memory of your grandfather, or something that will remind them of granddad.   

This will accomplish 3 things: 1) you're creating a lasting memory for your grandmother, 2) you're engaging the family and 3) you have a reason to not act sad. Take all the memories shared, and compile them, a book of stories, a DVD, whatever, and give your grandmother.

Hi Jay,

First of all, I'm sorry that you are experiencing so many family issues.  Death often brings up many of the things that we'd rather not talk about.  I wish your family would be a source of comfort for you and not an added source of pain.  I hope that some good will come out of the situation.  I only know you from this website, but from what you've shared with me in your comments and from your blogs I know that your life hasn't been easy and that you've had to develop a thick skin to deal with much of the crap you've had thrown your way.  You have a good heart, and a lot of defenses built up around it because of the pain that others have caused you.  You can only be yourself.  You feel the way you feel.  No one can force you to act in a way that you don't feel.  I get what you're saying about not feeling numb.  You seem to have come to acceptance, and understand the reality that even a life well lived eventually ends in death, and that is just the way things are.  It doesn't mean you don't love your grandfather, it just means you've accepted the reality that his life has ended faster than some others might have.  It sounds like he invested many good things into your life and into the lives of your family.  What you do with those investments, the love, the laughter, the memories, are yours to do with what you think is right.  I hope you can find some healing in this difficult time.

Jeff

Jay, listen to me. You're guilt-tripping right now, and you're a mess about it, but that's easier than letting yourself feel pain. How many times have you heard that grieving is a process. It's so true. There are stages of grief, and you're in one of them. You don't have to fake anything. Just pay your respects and be there for your family. My biggest episode of grief for my mother was in my car alone, and it was BEFORE she died. But the end was so obviously near. You may not break down for months, or you may not at all. Logic plays a part in grief, and you may have been expecting and preparing yourself for losing your pawpaw for a good while. Logic is also probably telling you that he had a good long life, and there may even be relief for the man if you've seen him sick or frail. The point is, you're a good person. You don't have to act any way but what you feel at the time. Lots of love and respect, buddy... it's all right to celebrate the man's life.