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Sexual Assault and the aftermath

Victor Gutte

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CAUTION: THE FOLLOWING BLOG ENTRY TALKS ABOUT SEXUAL ASSAULT AND MENTAL HEALTH PROBLEMS. PLEASE PROCEED WITH CAUTION.

Hey everyone :hug: ,

How’s everyone? I hope everyone’s doing good. I haven’t been doing that great. I might say, I have been doing quite awful suffering from both depression and anxiety for the past two months or so. I have been kind of absent from the site due to being extremely busy with the university for the past couple of months (dissertation is not the most favourite thing for me to do).

Anyways, this feeling of awfulness started a about three months back, the day after I turned 24. To support myself through the uni I (used to) work at a fast food restaurant what also involved delivering the food to the costumer’s place. On one of these deliveries, I called the costumer when at his place, he buzzed me inside and I went up to his apartment. The door was open and I could hear some noises so, I knocked and waited for him. He appeared from the corner carrying some boxes and asked me to leave the food on the kitchen counter. Now, this wasn’t the first time a costumer asked me to carry the food inside. So, I didn’t think much of it and went inside, put the food on counter and told him the price of the order (It was not paid already). While he went to get the money, I realised that the sounds were coming from a porn movie. Suddenly, I felt extremely uncomfortable and wanted to leave. He brought the money and it was all coins.

So, I had to stand there and count all of them before leaving. As, I was counting he started saying things like “I’m so horny” or “Are you horny” etc. I kept trying to ignore him and tried to finish counting as soon as possible while all of a sudden, he touched me (there). I don’t know why, but I was immediately paralysed. Probably due to fear or surprise or a mixture of both, I’m not completely sure to be honest. He then proceeded to do whatever he felt like. I almost felt like I had no control over whatever was happening. I wanted to yell at him to stop and get away from me, kick at him and run away but neither any sound came out of my mouth nor my hands moved to stop him. I kind of blacked out but could still see and feel everything and it was horrifying. After he was done he just got up and went to clean himself up. Meanwhile, I regained my senses enough to just get up and bolted away from there (I didn’t even bother taking the money). As soon as I got on to the road I just puked all of my breakfast on the side (in the bushes), returned to the restaurant, told them I wasn’t feeling well, went home and scrubbed myself in the shower.

I was utterly disgusted with the entire experience and felt like extremely violated and also that I wasn’t clean no matter how many showers I have taken. The worst part of this entire experience was that my body still reacted to his actions and it felt like my own body failed me in this entire process. I just ended curling up at my home for most of the next two days almost never leaving the bed. One half of my mind kept telling me that I had been sexually assaulted while the other kept saying that I really haven’t because I never objected to it. All of this led to my depression becoming worse and for the first time, I felt ashamed to face the world. Even through my childhood and teenage growing up as an Lgbt+ kid, I never felt the feeling of shame and ended up losing any inspiration to do any sort of work. Not to mention the fear of contracting an STD. This led to my assignments being submitted late or unfinished or both at times and affected my grades.

The worst part doesn’t even start here. Remember, I called him before to get to his address? Well, he also now had my phone number and hence kept calling me at random times with often lewd suggestions and offers to come to his place because his wife was away. He also turned up a my workplace more than a couple of times. I ended up blocking his number and he then started blocking his caller ID or even calling me from different phone numbers. And thanks to all of these actions, I became extremely anxious and now have to keep an inhaler with me in case of an asthma attack (the asthma existed in my family before, I didn’t get asthma because of him but it’s onslaught started a lot earlier than it should have thanks to the conditions). The queasiness in the stomach never stops. Finally, 5 days ago, when he called me, I warned him against calling me and threatened to disclose all of this matter to his wife and also told him that I secretly recorded his previous calls. It seemed to have scared him and he hasn’t contacted me ever since.

I finally decided to see a psychologist about all of these issues and my first appointment will be on the next week. I am still quite unsure on how to approach the subject and my sexuality in general and the issues I have developed growing up in a homophobic environment and country. I really needed to tell this to someone because I really need to concentrate on my assignments and exams and the psychologist appointment is still a week away and I wasn’t sure I would feel the best after I speak about topics such as my sexuality and mental health issues.

I do have several questions, am I wrong in being angry and sad that I have been violated against my consent? Can it even be considered a sexual assault if I necessarily didn’t even object? It wasn’t like he hit me and forced himself on me. I really wasn’t able to act at all. Am I wrong in getting sad that my first sexual experience with someone else was this? Is this even considered sex? Am I thinking too much about this?

Anyways, thanks for reading everyone. I really appreciate being able to share this horrible experience with someone, I really needed that. Hope everyone has a great day/night :hug: .

Victor

P.S. I apologise for any grammatical errors as I really did not proof read because I just wanted to type it and post it immediately. And I generally use British/ Australian spellings, so please excuse all the additional 'u's and the 's' in the spellings :P :lol:

EDIT: I'm not completely sure if this sort of topic can be posted in a blog. If it cannot be, just let me know and I would be happy to remove it. Thank you :)

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I'm stunned. This is so sad, Victor, but you did nothing wrong... nothing to be ashamed of. I won't repeat what @Valkyrie said so very well. What he did doesn't count as your first time... not in my opinion... that involves giving yourself freely because you want to, so if you can, take solace in that at least. I'm glad you are turning a corner, but make sure you keep talking, and open up to the therapist. You are not alone, and you are loved, my dear young friend. :hug:  :kiss: 

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:hug: You didn’t do anything wrong, Victor. It’s all on him, so hold your head up high. :hug: 

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As a survivor, you have every right to feel angry. I'm glad you're seeking help. None of it was your fault. The results of this can be difficult to deal with, but just remember it wasn't your fault, it was his. @Valkyrie said it so well. I'm sorry you had to deal with this.

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droughtquake

Posted (edited)

On 10/8/2018 at 9:21 AM, Sweetlion said:

freezing is also a biological response to fear.

It’s actually the fight/flight/freeze response.

I react to stress and panic by freezing. My ex couldn’t understand why I wasn’t running around in circles like he would when I was going to be evicted from my apartment. Instead I shutdown. I slept a lot and didn’t get anything done until the very last minute. Because others cannot see you doing anything, they think you’re not panicking.

You mentioned that you live in a homophobic place. I don’t know that reporting the assault to the police is necessarily the right thing for you to do and it sounds like you didn’t report it. There are times when it might be the ‘right thing to do,’ but not necessarily the smart thing. Do what feels right to you.

I’m sorry that none of us is able to be physically there to offer reassurance and comfort.
 

I missed seeing your Comments over the past several years and this helps to explain what happened to you.

Edited by droughtquake
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