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Broken, but Good

Wayne Gray

Entry posted by Wayne Gray

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I started rereading a story I wrote a while back.

Camp Refuge is such a keystone for me.  It has so many good things going for it, embedded in a package of terrible mechanics.  I'm going to try and explain what I mean.

I began it to help a reader who had written while I was in the process of releasing Guarded on another site.  He was recently diagnosed with HIV, and he was wrecked.  I'll never forget the last two lines he ever wrote to me - "Who could love me now?  Who could possibly love me now?"

I was a chapter away from finishing Guarded when I got that email, and I started Camp Refuge immediately after Guarded was done.  I had to.  I had to show him that he deserved love, acceptance, and peace.  He never wrote again, and as I released chapters, I wondered if he even saw them.

But, something started to happen around that story.  Other's wrote.  People who were HIV+, demisexuals, gray asexuals, trans folks, people suffering from depression, those who had been abused... they all reached out.  I got some of them to explore getting treatment locally, even had our HIV nurse and a case manager reach out directly to a few who consented to such.  I began to realize that it was bigger than the beginning.  It made me understand something scary, and thrilling, all at once.

It was the very first time I realized that my words have power.

Rereading it now, I know I can't put it on GA.  Not yet.  I head-hop soooo much; it's almost laughable.  But, the bones are there.  It has a good skeleton.  In the words of the esteemed Stitch, the story is "Broken but Good".

I think it deserves to simply be "good".

Another project... urgh.

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mollyhousemouse

mollyhousemouse 52,070

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i've read it. read it before Guarded actually. i liked it then, i'll like a second time around.

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Reader1810

Reader1810 52,200

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You are a beautiful soul, Wayne. Thank you for being there for those in need. :hug: 

As for Camp Refuge, I searched and found it. It’s now on my To Read list. 

Edited by Reader1810
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chris191070

chris191070 116,317

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I’ve read it and it’s a beautiful story. I look forward to reading it a second time around when you publish it on here.

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Wayne Gray

Wayne Gray 41,787

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39 minutes ago, mollyhousemouse said:

i've read it. read it before Guarded actually. i liked it then, i'll like a second time around.

Thanks, molly.  It's a special little story for me, in many ways.  I'm gonna do right by it when it gets posted here.

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Wayne Gray

Wayne Gray 41,787

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23 minutes ago, Reader1810 said:

You are a beautiful soul, Wayne. Thank you for being there for those in need. :hug: 

As for Camp Refuge, I searched and found it. It’s now on my To Read list. 

Well, thanks, Reader.  I had no idea I could impact someone with my words.  Not really.  It's actually pretty scary.  There's a responsibility now, where I didn't feel one before.  I'm not sure that makes sense...
And wait on reading it!  It's a jumbled little tale right now.  Chapter one is all right, as it's all from one perspective.  But... the rest is a bit of a mess.  I need to do some major clean-up before I can call it "good".

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Wayne Gray

Wayne Gray 41,787

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25 minutes ago, chris191070 said:

I’ve read it and it’s a beautiful story. I look forward to reading it a second time around when you publish it on here.

Thanks, Chris.  I love it, warts and all.  I've got work to do on it... and I will.

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Reader1810

Reader1810 52,200

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7 minutes ago, Wayne Gray said:

Well, thanks, Reader.  I had no idea I could impact someone with my words.  Not really.  It's actually pretty scary.  There's a responsibility now, where I didn't feel one before.  I'm not sure that makes sense...
And wait on reading it!  It's a jumbled little tale right now.  Chapter one is all right, as it's all from one perspective.  But... the rest is a bit of a mess.  I need to do some major clean-up before I can call it "good".

I have a feeling you did well with the responsibility that landed on your shoulders. As for waiting to read Camp Refuge, you can breathe a sigh of relief because my To Read list is miles and miles long. Damned thing is alive if you ask me. :P 

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MichaelS36

MichaelS36 25,662

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He was recently diagnosed with HIV, and he was wrecked.  I'll never forget the last two lines he ever wrote to me - "Who could love me now?  Who could possibly love me now?"

How sad he had to feel this way. I'd liked to have answered him. 

tim is HIV+.  He told me that on our first date. As a police officer it was something I dealt with per our procedures. As a boyfriend/lover, it's different again. First you have to learn about this disease and understand what you can do to protect yourself. 

And then the hard work starts. You have see him first and not the disease. 

And love is so very possible... I wish he'd have written you again, Wayne. 

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Wayne Gray

Wayne Gray 41,787

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1 hour ago, MichaelS36 said:

He was recently diagnosed with HIV, and he was wrecked.  I'll never forget the last two lines he ever wrote to me - "Who could love me now?  Who could possibly love me now?"

How sad he had to feel this way. I'd liked to have answered him. 

tim is HIV+.  He told me that on our first date. As a police officer it was something I dealt with per our procedures. As a boyfriend/lover, it's different again. First you have to learn about this disease and understand what you can do to protect yourself. 

And then the hard work starts. You have see him first and not the disease. 

And love is so very possible... I wish he'd have written you again, Wayne. 

I know.  I still hope that he read my work, that he internalized it, and more - that he explored the options for counseling and treatment I researched for him and sent along.  Rural Louisiana is a pretty awful place to find yourself in his situation, but even there I dug up options for him to explore.  I just hope he did.

I work in healthcare, and we have a great program for PrEP and HIV prevention.  We also have a wonderful treatment program for those who are already positive.  I see patients reclaim their lives from the disease.  These are people, not a condition.  Though, it takes work for many of these folks to see themselves that way - for them to move past that.

You're right - love is possible and probable.  It requires education and work.  But, man, what a payoff.

He was the push I needed to write Camp Refuge.  Though he never wrote again, many others did.  I take solace in that, and in the hope that he found a way to see himself as a person deserving of love.

Thanks for the comments, Mike.

Edit: By the way... I think it would have been so powerful for him to have heard from you, Mike.  This young man wrote to me almost two years back, but there will be others.  I may call upon you for help in the future if that's all right.  I can only speak to the clinical side of things, but you have lived experience.  That's powerful in a way I can't match.

Edited by Wayne Gray
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MichaelS36

MichaelS36 25,662

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Of course, if I can help...I will.

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Wayne Gray

Wayne Gray 41,787

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1 hour ago, MichaelS36 said:

Of course, if I can help...I will.

Thanks, Mike.  I appreciate it.

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Thorn Wilde

Thorn Wilde 27,002

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Well, when you do decide you want to go back and rewrite and edit, I'll be here. I've been meaning to read it for a while, but if you're planning on doing that I'll definitely wait. :) 

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Wayne Gray

Wayne Gray 41,787

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1 hour ago, Thorn Wilde said:

Well, when you do decide you want to go back and rewrite and edit, I'll be here. I've been meaning to read it for a while, but if you're planning on doing that I'll definitely wait. :) 

Thanks, Thorn.  It may end up my next project after I finish the two I'm on now.  It'll take a lot of work, but it'd be worth the effort.

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Thorn Wilde

Thorn Wilde 27,002

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7 hours ago, Wayne Gray said:

Thanks, Thorn.  It may end up my next project after I finish the two I'm on now.  It'll take a lot of work, but it'd be worth the effort.

Then I wait with bated breath to help edit and proof. ☺️

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