How long does one have to wait?

[Menzoberranzen]

I don't usually get hung up over guys I can't have, but for whatever reason I've had a thing for this guy I know basically since I met him a few months ago. He just broke up with his boyfriend of three years, and my question to you all is this: How long is a person 'off-limits' after they end a serious relationship?

 

I don't want to be rebound sex (although I'll take that over nothing) but I have also wanted to ask him out for a long time.

 

Menzo (who almost never makes the first move)

[JamesSavik]

It all depends- mostly on how badly stung you were and whether or not you were the dumper or dump-ee.

 

For the dumper, about 20 seconds. You knew it was over and were ready to move on.

 

For the dump-ee it'll take some time longer- especially if it was completely out of the blue or you were cheated on.

 

Betrayal is a scar that won't go away overnight.

[NaperVic]

I don't usually get hung up over guys I can't have, but for whatever reason I've had a thing for this guy I know basically since I met him a few months ago. He just broke up with his boyfriend of three years, and my question to you all is this: How long is a person 'off-limits' after they end a serious relationship?

 

I don't want to be rebound sex (although I'll take that over nothing) but I have also wanted to ask him out for a long time.

 

Although there aren't any hard and fast rules, I think you have to take several factors into account. Like:

 

1) Who broke up with whom? If the guy you are interested in was the one who instigated the breakup, he's fair game sooner rather than later.

2) Are you friends or acquaintances with the ex too?

3) Are you willing to deal with or help the dude deal with any potential baggage he may have?

 

Anyhow, I say go for it. If they broke up, he's fair game. The worst he could say is no :wacko: .

 

You can even go with the angle of trying to be his friend first , don't let him know how really interested you are in him (don't come on too strong), and see if things develop from there.

 

Who knows, he may also be looking for someone right now too.

 

Good luck and be sure to keep us posted.

 

Vic

 

P.S. - And don't sleep with him the first date

Edited January 9, 2008 by NaperVic

[Menzoberranzen]

Although there aren't any hard and fast rules, I think you have to take several factors into account. Like:

 

1) Who broke up with whom? If the guy you are interested in was the one who instigated the breakup, he's fair game sooner rather than later.

2) Are you friends or acquaintances with the ex too?

3) Are you willing to deal with or help the dude deal with any potential baggage he may have?

 

Anyhow, I say go for it. If they broke up, he's fair game. The worst he could say is no :wacko: .

 

You can even go with the angle of trying to be his friend first , don't let him know how really interested you are in him (don't come on too strong), and see if things develop from there.

 

Who knows, he may also be looking for someone right now too.

 

Good luck and be sure to keep us posted.

 

Vic

 

P.S. - And don't sleep with him the first date

 

I've known him for a while, and I'm a friend, if not a close one. He didn't really talk about it much, so I'm not sure who ditched whom. He routinely did lunch with me during the relationship, so I'm not sure if he even sees me as just a friend. I've only met the ex once, and that was before I even knew they were dating, that's not an issue. It's just that, honestly, I've never made the first move before, and I have no desire to be the person who puts themself out there and gets embarrassed/hurt. I've done it to other people, and it's not fun for either party involved.

 

Meh, I think I'll wait a bit and then see if I can make myself ask him. And Vic, I can exercise restraint when I want to

 

Menzo

[Masked Monkey]

*warning ... the dog may be in a grumpy mood*

 

I am rather confused by many things, but in this case it is your statement that you are willing to take rebound sex if that is all you can get. It seems to me that for the most part, if you have rebound sex with him, it will most likely be all that it is, that is the nature of rebound sex. If you are looking for someone to spend years with, then I would say, regardless of who dumpped whom, he needs time to figure out what lessons are to be learned before entering another sexual relationship and associated emotional blinders. The part that really gets me is that you won't know if rebound sex is all you can get until you wait longer than the "rebound" period to see if anything more can develop. If it turns out that nothing more will come of it, you already blew your chance at rebound sex.

 

If you really are willing to just have rebound sex, and your real goal is just to have sex with him, then just do it. You will get what you want and any more meaningful (although unlikely) relationship is just a bonus. If it is really that you like him and your hormones are driving you to want him NOW as opposed to some point in a possible future, then take your time but make sure you let him know how you feel.

 

:king: Dr. Mr. Snow "Snoopy" Dog

[Tiger]

*warning ... the dog may be in a grumpy mood*

 

I am rather confused by many things, but in this case it is your statement that you are willing to take rebound sex if that is all you can get. It seems to me that for the most part, if you have rebound sex with him, it will most likely be all that it is, that is the nature of rebound sex. If you are looking for someone to spend years with, then I would say, regardless of who dumpped whom, he needs time to figure out what lessons are to be learned before entering another sexual relationship and associated emotional blinders. The part that really gets me is that you won't know if rebound sex is all you can get until you wait longer than the "rebound" period to see if anything more can develop. If it turns out that nothing more will come of it, you already blew your chance at rebound sex.

 

If you really are willing to just have rebound sex, and your real goal is just to have sex with him, then just do it. You will get what you want and any more meaningful (although unlikely) relationship is just a bonus. If it is really that you like him and your hormones are driving you to want him NOW as opposed to some point in a possible future, then take your time but make sure you let him know how you feel.

 

:king: Dr. Mr. Snow "Snoopy" Dog

You would be a great psychologist.

[Benji]

You would be a great psychologist.

 

 

......Or a great rebounder!!

[Menzoberranzen]

*warning ... the dog may be in a grumpy mood*

 

I am rather confused by many things, but in this case it is your statement that you are willing to take rebound sex if that is all you can get. It seems to me that for the most part, if you have rebound sex with him, it will most likely be all that it is, that is the nature of rebound sex. If you are looking for someone to spend years with, then I would say, regardless of who dumpped whom, he needs time to figure out what lessons are to be learned before entering another sexual relationship and associated emotional blinders. The part that really gets me is that you won't know if rebound sex is all you can get until you wait longer than the "rebound" period to see if anything more can develop. If it turns out that nothing more will come of it, you already blew your chance at rebound sex.

 

If you really are willing to just have rebound sex, and your real goal is just to have sex with him, then just do it. You will get what you want and any more meaningful (although unlikely) relationship is just a bonus. If it is really that you like him and your hormones are driving you to want him NOW as opposed to some point in a possible future, then take your time but make sure you let him know how you feel.

 

:king: Dr. Mr. Snow "Snoopy" Dog

 

A: I was being lighthearted with that comment.

 

B: I have enough trouble finding people I can be with for weeks, let alone years. The fact that the months I've known him haven't revealed any major turnoffs is pleasantly surprising. I can find sexual partners easily enough, and that really isn't my main objective. I guess I had more or less given up up on him, but then I find out that he's single again and all of a sudden my interest was renewed. Being patient is boring.

 

Menzo

 

Life is so much easier when you dislike most people you meet and this sort of thing doesn't happen.

[NaperVic]

Meh, I think I'll wait a bit and then see if I can make myself ask him.

 

Or you can wait for him to ask you out. Maybe he's also a mental and is just waiting for you to do the asking.

 

...wait wait... you can pay for lunch next time, thus obligating him to ask you out...Yeah!

 

You may need a refresher. I'd suggest the A Guide on Boyfriends, Tips and advices thread

[scoopny]

There's definitely no hard and fast rule. From my experience I dated a guy for several years and we broke up (I dumped him, he had been cheating on me) and I can tell you for the first few months, I wasn't in the mood to date anyone. Ugh, already bringing back bad memories just thinking about it.

[FrenchCanadian]

I think you deff. need to wait a little before making a move on someone who got dumped. If you move in right away, you don't let the dumpee the time to get closure and at some point it will blow up on you as the dumpee might still think about his ex.

[Menzoberranzen]

I think you deff. need to wait a little before making a move on someone who got dumped. If you move in right away, you don't let the dumpee the time to get closure and at some point it will blow up on you as the dumpee might still think about his ex.

 

I still don't know who dumped whom, though. He mentioned it in passing at lunch today and then wouldn't talk about it.

 

Maybe I'll take your suggestion, Vic. It seems like a 'safe' way to go about it. By the way, I prefer 'emotionally guarded' to 'mental'

 

Menzo

[Graeme]

I can't offer any advice -- sorry. All I can do is offer my best wishes, and a suggestion not to set your sights too high. People are very variable -- he may be willing to date now, or he may not be ready to date for months. Until you get to know him as a friend you won't know which he is. If you ask too early, you run the risk of annoying him and turning him off. If you ask too late, someone else may have got in first. The only way to know his personal position is to get to know him first.

 

Good luck!

[Masked Monkey]

You would be a great psychologist.

 

I think you meant that as a compliment ... but wow, you couldn't have wounded me deeper

 

:king: Dr. Mr. Snow "Snoopy" Dog

 

pointing out that the degree is in Physics

[Tarin]

Well, I personally cannot give any good advice, as it depends heavily on the people and situations as aforementioned.

 

However, one of my good friends would present to you this math formula*:

3 years

[writeincode]

To avoid the rebound factor try and wait until they have rebounded onto someone else because then when you come next they will have it out of their system. Even a kiss is enough of a rebound and you can attack at least 3 weeks after that, depending on how long after the breakup they rebounded.

[Hylas]

wait until they have rebounded onto someone else because then when you come next they will have it out of their system.

 

What if the rebounded someone else ends up getting to be their next bf? :S

 

Though I've never been in a relationship... here's my 2 cents' worth anyway,

 

If you really like him, I think you should make your romantic intentions with him clear early on. But refuse intimacy until you get to know each other better and the danger of being a rebound affair is past. Otherwise... someone else might run away with him.

[writeincode]

What if the rebounded someone else ends up getting to be their next bf? :S

 

Though I've never been in a relationship... here's my 2 cents' worth anyway,

 

If you really like him, I think you should make your romantic intentions with him clear early on. But refuse intimacy until you get to know each other better and the danger of being a rebound affair is past. Otherwise... someone else might run away with him.

Ye, probably. But then you definitely, as Hylas said, have to refuse intimacy, which is an effort but yeh. The rebound relationship never lasts properly and people end up disliking their rebounds so really get to no each other non-physically intimately for quite a while first.

[Krista]

Well the way I go about dealing with this kind of thing.. and.. this may seem slutty, but I just make myself available. You don't have to try to be with the person officially, but just by being in his presence more could get some sort of reaction from him in the right direction. Smothering is different though, when I find someone I like, as I never make the first move, I just become part of his environment more.

 

A person can tell when they're destined to be a rebound, I learned that the hard way with my latest train wreck relationship. When they fall hard and fast right after a break up, then they're an obvious rebound, it does feel good at the time as you're actually seeing them at their best as they're trying to repress their worst to try and recover from the loss of a relationship. Then as time goes by you see their worst because there isn't anything maintaining the relationship.

 

Now you said they were together for three years? That's an extended period of time so I suggest that you move slowly, I say he's not looking for a love interest, rebounds usually happen spontaneously.

 

So to sum it all up and to finally make sense, just be around, but not with benefits attached. He wants a friend, in the long run not a rebound and if you become his rebound you probably won't last long as his last relationship lasted a long time, which means he's looking for a relationship with substance or he'd not be in such a long relationship regardless of who dumped who. No one can really put it into days, weeks, months, years of waiting for him. You kind of have to know the person, if their body language, attire, demeanor, personality, etc. has changed since the break up, then it's probably safe to say he's not ready for another long standing relationship. If he seems similar to what he was during the relationship with his ex, then it may be the appropriate time to make some sort of gesture as he's more himself.

 

Krista

[FrenchCanadian]

Well the way I go about dealing with this kind of thing.. and.. this may seem slutty, but I just make myself available. You don't have to try to be with the person officially, but just by being in his presence more could get some sort of reaction from him in the right direction. Smothering is different though, when I find someone I like, as I never make the first move, I just become part of his environment more.

 

A person can tell when they're destined to be a rebound, I learned that the hard way with my latest train wreck relationship. When they fall hard and fast right after a break up, then they're an obvious rebound, it does feel good at the time as you're actually seeing them at their best as they're trying to repress their worst to try and recover from the loss of a relationship. Then as time goes by you see their worst because there isn't anything maintaining the relationship.

 

Now you said they were together for three years? That's an extended period of time so I suggest that you move slowly, I say he's not looking for a love interest, rebounds usually happen spontaneously.

 

So to sum it all up and to finally make sense, just be around, but not with benefits attached. He wants a friend, in the long run not a rebound and if you become his rebound you probably won't last long as his last relationship lasted a long time, which means he's looking for a relationship with substance or he'd not be in such a long relationship regardless of who dumped who. No one can really put it into days, weeks, months, years of waiting for him. You kind of have to know the person, if their body language, attire, demeanor, personality, etc. has changed since the break up, then it's probably safe to say he's not ready for another long standing relationship. If he seems similar to what he was during the relationship with his ex, then it may be the appropriate time to make some sort of gesture as he's more himself.

 

Krista

 

It depends on how you make yourself available. I find that when you do that, the other guy will eventually see you more as a confident. Then that person as much as he loves you will find someone else. Having been in that situation, I know that it hurts.

 

About the rebound thing, yes, you might want to avoid being just a rebound hook up, or a rebound fling. But I'd be scared that eventually that rebound thing will become into something more serious and that I'd lost my chance.

 

sacha

[rknapp]

I've been told to wait after the break up for half the time of the relationship, but 1.5 years sounds a bit extreme. I'll tell you this much -- my best friend was in love with his girlfriend of 2.5 years (gradually started to dislike her because she took up all of his time and his bank account), even when she broke up with him (for not giving her enough attention) he still loved her for a few weeks. He started going around with other chicks and started "dating" one of them around new years. She took his virginity, but apparently things aren't so warm anymore. Maybe it was too soon, maybe she's psychotic, maybe he's paranoid, maybe all of the above. He claims to hate his ex with a passion at this point and I don't blame him. If I was you I would spend a little more time with him now and get a little closer, but not too close. After a few months you can make a move. If he makes a move on you before you do on him then I would advise not to do the horizontal tango on the first date.

[Menzoberranzen]

If he makes a move on you before you do on him then I would advise not to do the horizontal tango on the first date.

 

Horizontal tango...I love it!

 

But no, I can exercise restraint around the boys when I need to.

 

He didn't show up for class today, though, so I was sad about that. I hate being a TA, but he makes it worth it God I sound like those emotional people I hate... :wacko:

 

Menzo

[NaperVic]

He didn't show up for class today, though, so I was sad about that. I hate being a TA, but he makes it

 

Whoa! You didn't mention before that this was a teaching assistant/student situation.

 

You can't date him until after you are no longer in a position of power over him. If you are responsible for his grade, then there's always the possibility that he's being extra friendly to you in order to get a better grade.

 

Until the end of the term, he's off limits.

 

Take Care

Edited January 12, 2008 by NaperVic

[Menzoberranzen]

Whoa! You didn't mention before that this was a teaching assistant/student situation.

 

You can't date him until after you are no longer in a position of power over him. If you are responsible for his grade, then there's always the possibility that he's being extra friendly to you in order to get a better grade.

 

Until the end of the term, he's off limits.

 

Take Care

[Masked Monkey]

No, lol, it's not like that. I knew him over the summer (he worked at a coffee shop) and I'm not responsible for marking anything in this class. There is a TA who does the marking, but I just do tutorial sessions and help during lab sessions. I mark for a different class, which he does not take.

 

Menzo (who feels kinda bad....he's older than me, though....)

 

I have to agree with Vic on this one. Regardless of if you have grade assignment authority over him, you have responsibility for part of his education. Simply by asking him out you put him in a position of wondering if his will affect the help you give him in your capacity as a TA. Speaking from personal experience, as a TA it is easy to shortchange some students while giving others "extra" help ... even if you don't assign grades.

 

My advice is to keep it friendly until you no longer have any educational authority over him.

 

:king: Dr. Mr. Snow "Snoopy" Dog

(who curses his strong sense of ethical responsibility)