What do you do with your exs?

[JSmith]

I'm curious as to what other people do whenever they end a relationship. More specifically, your most recent breakup.

 

I'll admit that for a while I stopped talking to him completely, but that was mainly for the fact that he was psychotic. He was texting me today, which I actually anticipated yesterday because today is Valentines Day, like we were still friends. After two weeks or so when he stopped trying to stalk me and blow up my phone from missed calls and unanswered texts, I offered to remain his friend. He turned me down and said he couldn't handle that so I moved on and let it go. No big deal to me, I was just being nice because he was a good guy until he got involved with me and he was fun to be around.

 

So I'm in a relationship right now and I'm not interested in him (the ex) romantically at all and don't want him to think I am. He just broke up with his boyfriend on Monday and said he was done dating until he finishes school. He asked to hang out on Sunday and I said sure because I didn't really see a reason not to. Now that I think about it though, I'm wondering if I'm doing the right thing. I don't know if he still has feelings for me, and I don't really care, but I don't want him to think I have feelings for him and then try and start anything with me.

 

What should I do? Go on Sunday and see how it goes, or just find an excuse not to go (which honestly wouldn't be that hard)?

[AFriendlyFace]

I think that number 1 you should do what you want to do, and number 2 you should talk this over with your current boyfriend.

 

You shouldn't feel forced to see him if you don't want to. If you think you'll fun, or that it'll be good to see him again, then you probably ought to see him. Either way I think you should talk to your boyfriend about it. Even if you aren't going to let him make the decision for you (and I definitely don't think you should!), it's still important to be honest and upfront with him regarding an ex. In the long-run it'll make him a great deal more trusting and less jealous than if you don't mention it at all (even if there's "nothing to mention").

 

Also, you should think about what type of situation you'll be in with the ex. You guys should not (IMO) be alone together the first time you see each other again. This is for quite a few reasons. First off, if you don't want him to get the wrong idea, it's easier if you aren't in private settings. Secondly, if there's any chance you'll be fighting, arguing, or whatever, having other people around will probably calm things down. If you really want to be friends with him again, then great! Go for it! But small steps.

 

That said, I would actually recommend that you invite someone else to hang out with you. Some mutual third friend would be great! If not, at least don't be alone with him in either your place or his...that could just get...awkward.

 

Just my thoughts though,

Kevin

[JSmith]

Yeah I forgot to mention that I was going to bring it up with him before I did anything. He was in the same situation with his Ex last week and we talked about it, so I have no problem talking to him about it now.

[YaP]

Actually I am not very experienced there.. not many graves in my backyard .

I checked "We usually stay friends". Even if the friendship may cool over time. But i think it really depends on the "ex"... or how the relationship ended...

In your case.. I don't know. Would you be interested in keeping him as a friend ? Then go on Sunday, and make sure he understands its friendship only. Does your boyfriend know him ? Maybe the 3 of you could hang out together ? That would be a clear message to him.. but all in all I think it really depends on how you feel about him.. how psychotic is he ? Is he still having feelings for you? Then it could get unpleasant....

My advice: go with your gut feeling Lol, not a big help i guess.. sorry

[AFriendlyFace]

Does your boyfriend know him ? Maybe the 3 of you could hang out together ? That would be a clear message to him..

While I did suggest having someone else there, I really don't think the boyfriend is the best candidate. I mean I guess that may be fine, and only Joe would know that, but to me it seems like at worst that could be a hurtful thing to do (if he still has feeling for Joe), and at best it would still be awkward hanging it with your ex and your current at the same time the first time you see the guy again (and while the relationship with the current is still a little bit new).

[Menzoberranzen]

I usually leave them in hefty bags at the bottom of a river...

 

No, in general I avoid exes. I have had a couple of...complicated relationships and I realised after a while that the best thing was to put the past behind and move on. There's one 'ex' I still talk to, but we were never really serious. We started as friends and when the dating thing didn't work, it wasn't that hard to go back to friends.

 

My advice is to not go, unless you see this actually developing into a friendship.

 

Menzo

[YaP]

While I did suggest having someone else there, I really don't think the boyfriend is the best candidate. I mean I guess that may be fine, and only Joe would know that, but to me it seems like at worst that could be a hurtful thing to do (if he still has feeling for Joe), and at best it would still be awkward hanging it with your ex and your current at the same time the first time you see the guy again (and while the relationship with the current is still a little bit new).

 

 

true Kevin.. thats why i asked if they (the current and the ex bf) know each other... IF they do, it might be ok. But you are right, its probably not really a good idea...

[Trebs]

Then there is always setting your ex and your bf's ex up... and RUNNING...

[Menzoberranzen]

Then there is always setting your ex and your bf's ex up... and RUNNING...

 

"We feel that since you're both clearly not up to our standards, you'll make each other happy. One should try to reach above one's station."

[NaperVic]

I voted stay friends. I guess we have my ex to thank for that because I could have just as easily done the ignore/no talking, axe, or stalk

 

 

What should I do? Go on Sunday and see how it goes, or just find an excuse not to go (which honestly wouldn't be that hard)?

As far as your ex, my advice would be to find an excuse not to go or make something up. Your ex is currently on the rebound and might only have fond memories of the time with you. He may try to do the 'memory lane' thing and bring up up all the positives of when you were together, and in regard to the negatives, he'll talk about how he's grown and how he won't do those things anymore. He'll want you back.

 

Since you're with someone else now, he'll just end up being disappointed or worse, do either option 'Stalk them and scare away their new boy/girlfriends' or 'Bury them and hide the axe' to you.

 

I would hate your story to be the next episode on Law & Order.

Take Care®,

 

Vic

[darkfoxprime]

What's an ex?

 

I never had a boyfriend or girlfriend all the way through schooling and college, until I was introduced to the person who (within the span of a few hours) became my "One True Love", and we've been together for the 16 and a half years since.

 

Given my personality, if I had an ex, I'd probably be in the "stop talking to them completely" camp; I never give up grudges O.o

 

- dfp

[darkfoxprime]

"We feel that since you're both clearly not up to our standards, you'll make each other happy. One should try to reach above one's station."

 

ROFL!

[FrenchCanadian]

Personally, my ex is still my very best friend. And, I can't believe what i'll say, but I go along well with his new bf. Tho personally I would never call him today, on valentine's it would be too much.

 

as for the problem, well, I'd say talk to the guy as long as you don't lead him on, that you make it clear that you're not interested in something more than to be friend with him

[Graeme]

I'm curious as to what other people do whenever they end a relationship. More specifically, your most recent breakup.

Gee... that's like... twenty years ago?

 

I voted Other because while we decided to stay friends, that didn't last. It was a long distance relationship in the days before the Internet, so it easier for each of us to go our own ways.

 

What should I do? Go on Sunday and see how it goes, or just find an excuse not to go (which honestly wouldn't be that hard)?

While I agree with Kevin's advice, there's really only two people you should be listening to (and I'm not one of them ) : yourself and your boyfriend. You know the issues and the risks, and your boyfriend has a vested interest in any contact you have with a psychotic ex. Between the two of you, you'll work out the best approach.

 

Good luck!

Edited February 15, 2008 by Graeme

[FrenchCanadian]

While I agree with Kevin's advice, there's really only two people you should be listening to (and I'm not one of them ) : yourself and your boyfriend. You know the issues and the risks, and your boyfriend has a vested interest in any contact you have with a psychotic ex. Between the two of you, you'll work out the best approach.

 

Good luck!

 

Exact, the bottom line, you gotta make the decision that will make you feel good. Obviously, you should take great advise from your current boyfriend, cause you don't want to make something that he won't appreciate

[Tiger]

It's best to remain friends if it's at all possible. Granted, it's not always possible, but it's at least more likely for us than it is for relationships involving women. :nuke:

[Menzoberranzen]

It's best to remain friends if it's at all possible. Granted, it's not always possible, but it's at least more likely for us than it is for relationships involving women. :nuke:

 

After a certain point, I think there's too much baggage to ever go back to being friends. They've seen you naked, they've been your confidante, they've been there for you in such a different way than a friend. It's feasible after casual relationships, but getting out of something serious and then staying friends, doesn't work in my experience.

 

Menzo

[JSmith]

"We feel that since you're both clearly not up to our standards, you'll make each other happy. One should try to reach above one's station."

 

Haha! I would suggest that but two psychotic lovers usually don't mix well together.

 

No matter how bad my ex is, the bf's ex is always worse in not being able to let go. But I went with the "f**K off, I don't want to talk to you" approach at first.

[FrenchCanadian]

After a certain point, I think there's too much baggage to ever go back to being friends. They've seen you naked, they've been your confidante, they've been there for you in such a different way than a friend. It's feasible after casual relationships, but getting out of something serious and then staying friends, doesn't work in my experience.

 

Menzo

 

Well, I can't say that I totally agree. It always depends on how you end things up. Yeah, you saw the other naked, you been each other confidante, been always been there. But when you think about it,, being a good friend/best friend you're the other's confidante and you're there of the other.

 

The only difference is that you prolly don't see the other naked, or at least not it the same way. Also well you prolly might not see each other as much. And when the other gets himself a new lover well, at first you don't exactly talk about how it is between the two, but after a while, you get more comfortable and start talking about it too.

 

my point is that, it's possible

[JSmith]

Well I might have actually found a way out without even meaning to do it. The bf and I are thinking about taking a camping trip this weekend depending on the weather. If it's not going to rain then we'll most likely go so I'll have to cancel any plans I have with the ex.

[rich_e]

I stop talking to them completely. I've tried staying friends, but that just doesn't work.

[Jack Frost]

I don't have any ex's.

 

I'm still with my first boyfriend. It's been like that for almost five years.

[AFriendlyFace]

I don't have any ex's.

 

I'm still with my first boyfriend. It's been like that for almost five years.

[BeaStKid]

no ex's...not even a boyfriend yet!!

[Tiff]

As for exes- I find that you can't be friends and usually never talk again. But then again, it depends on your connection. If you were really good friends to begin with, you might try harder to stay connected somehow. Or if you weren't that serious to begin with, you could either never seem them again, or establish a friendship.

 

Either way, it's a tricky situation. Go with your gut feeling. You know what is the right thing to do for yourself, even if might take a little thinking to figure it out.

 

no ex's...not even a boyfriend yet!!

Oh, BK, you're still young! You have time! You probably hear this advice all the time- but don't think about dating. Go out and talk, meet new people, and out of nowhere, someone will appear. That's how it usually happens. Trust me. It doesn't seem that way now, but it really does.