[David McLeod] In The Prince's Secret Service

[TalonRider]

Chapter One of this story has been posted.

 

This story starts with action from the very beginnng. As the story progresses, we start learning about the main characters of the story.

 

Despite the reasoning that Patrick tried several times to explain to Alan, there was just no winnng that battle. They both knew what they felt in their hearts.

 

I think the next meeting with the Prince will be interesting when he catches up with Patrick.

 

Good chapter David.

[David McLeod]

Thank you for posting the announcement, and for your thoughts on the story. Chapter 2 was posted this AM

(Chapter 2). I'll be away until November 30th, but will check in, then.

[TalonRider]

I think I see the reason now that the Prince had so many visits in chapter 1. He was getting a feel for Patrick for possible future use. I wonder if that was on oversite or a deliberate move to not mention who Alan's father is?

 

This chapter also reveals the reason behind the story title.

[David McLeod]

I think I see the reason now that the Prince had so many visits in chapter 1. He was getting a feel for Patrick for possible future use. I wonder if that was on oversite or a deliberate move to not mention who Alan's father is?

 

This chapter also reveals the reason behind the story title.

 

Actually, the fledgling author replied, actually, it was a case of the story and the characters taking on a life of their own, and veering off in unexpected directions. In fact, the story was going one way and the characters another. I think they've settled down. Chapter 3 should be up later today (November 30).

[David McLeod]

Chapter 4, "The Relic," has been posted.

 

I look forward to hearing from you.

[Verm]

I'm really enjoying this story! I'm a fan of cross-classes, so I'm a bit biased to loving Patrick

 

I still would like to see some more depth into the characters. The storyline is very engaging already to me, but somehow the characters lack that extra special...oomph. I feel that the main characters, Patrick and Alan, could be developed more. Perhaps a bit more attitude or quirks or something that would set them apart and be unique. From what I've read, Patrick is the more cultured, mature character compared to Alan who is more outgoing. But it seems a bit stereotypical; a healer/mage of course would be more cultured, and a noble ranger/warrior usually would be a bit rough at the edges and more laid-back, but not at all rude because of his nobility.

 

I liked it when you showed Alan had some remorse when he killed his first few men, but I think you could have added a bit more drama to the scene to show how vulnerable or weirded out he was at the time. The scene came in quite suddenly in the flow of the story, and it went away almost as fast. I would have liked it better if you had some buildup to the scene. For example, Patrick sensed something was amiss with Alan, or Alan had acted slightly differently than normal as if something was conflicting in his thoughts, or something of the sort.

 

These are just my opinions though, I'd still read your story because I like your world and I enjoy the fantasy genre. I think you're doing great at the moment, just needs some fine-tuning

[TalonRider]

There's always the chance that David could give us nightmare that Alan has at some point.

 

David could also be bringing us along slowly with some of the action. I have a hunch that when we get back to cavern, the boys are going to find more and things will take off from there.

 

Also, have read a couple of other stories with with elves, trolls, dragons, and other such creatures, Thom could be a future Warrior Adept. Which could account for him picking up moves so well. With him being so young, the ability hasn't been picked up yet.

[Dolores Esteban]

I agree with the other reviewers. I can't add anything. No, not true. One thing: The 'second-hand shop' made me smirk. But they probably have one in World.

 

[David McLeod]

I'm really enjoying this story! I'm a fan of cross-classes, so I'm a bit biased to loving Patrick

 

I still would like to see some more depth into the characters. The storyline is very engaging already to me, but somehow the characters lack that extra special...oomph. I feel that the main characters, Patrick and Alan, could be developed more. Perhaps a bit more attitude or quirks or something that would set them apart and be unique. From what I've read, Patrick is the more cultured, mature character compared to Alan who is more outgoing. But it seems a bit stereotypical; a healer/mage of course would be more cultured, and a noble ranger/warrior usually would be a bit rough at the edges and more laid-back, but not at all rude because of his nobility.

 

I liked it when you showed Alan had some remorse when he killed his first few men, but I think you could have added a bit more drama to the scene to show how vulnerable or weirded out he was at the time. The scene came in quite suddenly in the flow of the story, and it went away almost as fast. I would have liked it better if you had some buildup to the scene. For example, Patrick sensed something was amiss with Alan, or Alan had acted slightly differently than normal as if something was conflicting in his thoughts, or something of the sort.

 

These are just my opinions though, I'd still read your story because I like your world and I enjoy the fantasy genre. I think you're doing great at the moment, just needs some fine-tuning

 

Thank you for some very good observations. I went back and re-read the last chapter with your thoughts in mind. You are correct: Alan's remorse over killing was abrupt, and interrupted the flow of the story. And, yes, both Patrick and Alan are too stereotypical. I'll keep this in mind during the next few chapters.

[David McLeod]

I agree with the other reviewers. I can't add anything. No, not true. One thing: The 'second-hand shop' made me smirk. But they probably have one in World.

 

 

"Second-hand shops," and more! There's a little exposition on this in the latest chapter of

Book of Heroes: George of Sedona.

 

The "Ordinary Market" would be the likely location of the shop Alan visited.

[David McLeod]

Chapter 5, "Warriors of the Light," has been posted here. Hope you all enjoy it. Happy Holidays.

[Verm]

I'm getting giddy with anticipation! I can't wait for a party battle!

[David McLeod]

Chapter 6, "Ancient Magic," of In the Prince's Secret Service has been posted. I'd like to know what you think of it.

[Verm]

I like it when you made Patrick crack a joke, it gives him some personality. I'll wait for a couple more chapters to give a more insightful comment.

 

In the meantime;

 

The boys stepped into a room about four times the size of any of the others. The door, too, was larger.

[David McLeod]

The boys stepped into a room about four times the size of any of the others. The door, too, was larger. "It probably had a double door," Whitlaw said.

 

Umm who's Whitlaw?

 

A typographical error that has been fixed. "Patrick." Thanks!

[David McLeod]

A new adventure begins for the Elven Healer/Mage, Patrick and his companions when they receive tasking from the prince's spymaster. The story can be found at In the Prince's Secret Service, beginning with Chapter 7. Please let me know what you think.

[David McLeod]

The companions, let by the Elven Healer/Mage, Patric, meet some old friends and make some new ones, but find that not everyone on the road to Agium is friendly. Chapter 8, "Friends and Foes," of the continuing story,

In the Prince's Secret Service has been posted. Please let me know what you think. Thank you!

[Verm]

Interesting chapter, the plot thickens. Weird names the other Stoltz family have, are they nicknames?

[David McLeod]

Interesting chapter, the plot thickens. Weird names the other Stoltz family have, are they nicknames?

 

 

The Stoltz family names resemble or mirror those of several religious sects of this Earth-analogue. Stoltz is a common name among our Amish (descendants of the Anabaptists of 16th Century Europe). Their first names are from the Puritans and Quakers who were early colonists of the North American continent. The Stoltz family, as well as other Valarians, are among the very few people who have last names. The Valarians hold some beliefs (other than in a supreme being) in common with this Earth-analogue's Quakers.

 

The first Stoltz family are not Valarians; so, why do they have a last name? They didn't, at first, but were known only as "the family at Stone farm." Later, when the brother-at-the-crossroads was found to have the patronymic, "Stoltz," earlier chapters were revised to use that name, also, for the "first" Stoltz family, simply to help keep the relationship clear.

 

Good catch. Thanks for asking (and reading/posting).

[TalonRider]

Yes, our team is starting to meet others now, good and bad. Even tho the names were strange, I thought they added a touch of humor to the introductions.

 

I'm guess that they may be hip deep into some trouble soon enough.

[Dolores Esteban]

I like the way you present information. I had never heard of those names. 'World' is not just another fantasy world. As you say, it's an Earth-analogue. 'World' stands alone. I love reading your stories.

[Phoenix]

This is such a good story. I love the flow and the way the adventure is presented to the protagonists. Pretty straight forward, with realistic emotions and such. I am confused on what boy magic is, however. I've tried looking for a definition.

[David McLeod]

This is such a good story. I love the flow and the way the adventure is presented to the protagonists. Pretty straight forward, with realistic emotions and such. I am confused on what boy magic is, however. I've tried looking for a definition.

 

Once again, I assume that everyone knows all the background. I've made this mistake before, and shouldn't have made it, again. From the glossary that the translators of "The Book of Heroes" have assembled:

 

boy magic: n Energy that is captured by a boy as he moves through the magical field that permeates World. While the capture mechanism is unclear, it is believed that this energy is stored in the Schwann cells and the oligodendrocytes that insulate the neurons of the peripheral nervous system and the central nervous system, respectively. Various passages in The Book of Heroes make it clear that the capture operates in much the same way that electrical energy is captured in a copper wire passing through a magnetic field on Earth. [see

[Phoenix]

Once again, I assume that everyone knows all the background. I've made this mistake before, and shouldn't have made it, again. From the glossary that the translators of "The Book of Heroes" have assembled:

 

boy magic: n Energy that is captured by a boy as he moves through the magical field that permeates World. While the capture mechanism is unclear, it is believed that this energy is stored in the Schwann cells and the oligodendrocytes that insulate the neurons of the peripheral nervous system and the central nervous system, respectively. Various passages in The Book of Heroes make it clear that the capture operates in much the same way that electrical energy is captured in a copper wire passing through a magnetic field on Earth. [see "electricity" for a discussion of electrical energy on World.] The Schwann cells and the oligodendrocytes strongly resemble a liquid capacitor as might have been used in the early 20^th century on Earth.

A boy or tween cannot access or use his own boy magic. One of the physiological changes that occur upon adulthood provides a path for releasing this magic, and an adult can use his own boy magic.

A boy or tween can pass his boy magic to another boy or tween through orgasm during sexual intercourse. This act is called "sharing boy magic" (or "swapping" boy magic).

 

 

Please continue to help make these stories more palatable. Thanks for your comment.

 

Ah, ok. I hadn't read that story yet.

[David McLeod]

Glad the definition helped; again, thanks for bringing it to my attention.