I Screwed Up BIG!

[AFriendlyFace]

I'm at a loss.

 

It's been a week since i have spoken to Drew. We usally talk everyday and hangout several times a week. Now I'm getting scared It's not like him to miss my calls. We have been best friends since 4th grade everone said we're unseprable and we have only ever went with out talking once before and that lasted 3 days before one of us gave in. I don't know what to do I'm in love with my best friend and even if i can't have him. I don't want to lose him. I've never felt so confused. I don't even know why he is not answering my calls, I went by his place last night but he wasn't home. This is killing me.

 

 

 

I Mean we slept together , sure and I may have used the "L" word there at the end at the critical juncture I think, And everything has felt a little awkward. It just this time I don't have my best friend to confide in. And im lost with out him.

 

I just don't know what to do. I can't lose him.

 

Oh no, Nicholas, I'm so sorry!

 

 

Maybe he just needs some time to sort out his sh*t. Give him some space, but try to keep the friendship if you can

 

1) In this life all is all about timing and space, just give him time and space to sort things out, think right and make the right moves in timing to know if you can achive number 2 or 3

 

I'm with Verm and SRevol on this one. Time and space are your friends (not to mention a sci-fi writer's plot devices).

 

I know it sucks and hurts like hell waiting, wanting to fix it and not being able to, and generally freaking out about the whole thing, but seriously don't push too hard. I obviously don't know the situation as well as you do, but I do see a few things going on. Drew is reeling from a breakup with someone he cares about. He isn't over her. He just had sex with his best friend. His best friend is in love with him. Drew's kinda got a lot on his plate right now. You mentioned how much it sucks not being able to talk to your best friend about this, and I know that does suck big time But think about how he likely feels not being able to talk to either of the two people he's closet to.

 

Obviously you know the situation better than I do or ever could, and please don't take my advice if you think it's crappy for your situation, but I think the easiest way to keep his friendship would be to give him about a week or so without any form of contact, and then shoot him the most casual, easy going text message you can come up with. Just sort of a "Hi, whatcha up to, dude?" Or better yet, just casually start talking about something relatively minor going on in your life, "Man, my boss is in the worst mood today. What have you been up to anyway?"

 

What you guys' friendship has going for it is that it's old, familiar, comfortable, and all around easy. It shouldn't be too hard to fall back into it once the feelings aren't as fresh.

 

 

You want him to call or e-mail this Bisexual guy and tell him how he feels? If you ask most guys what words they dread hearing from their girlfriend, it invariably includes: "Tell me what you're thinking," or "Tell me what you're feeling." Not going to work.

I think Mark's got a good point here. I personally like talking about my feelings. If I'm having an issue with someone and they ask me that it feels like a relief and I welcome it. However, I'm not like most other guys in this regard. I once wrecked a friendship by pressing a close friend to open up about his feelings. You know what finally fixed the situation? A year of barely talking combined with the fact that we genuinely liked and respected each other. Don't let that happen to you, give him some space and some time to work stuff out. Just stay receptive and supportive and of course accept any approach he makes. Naturally you don't leave it for too long before you try to contact him again, but I'd suggest giving it at least a week.

 

Just my advice though, please don't take it if it doesn't seem to apply to you, him, and the situation.

 

Take care and good luck,

Kevin

Edited February 21, 2009 by AFriendlyFace

[Drewbie]

I don't have much to add Nick. I hope he'll come around to talking to you again

 

Hang in there.

[Nicholas J. Covington]

It's been weeks now and I have yet to hear from Drew other than a tense couple minutes on the phone twice spent on akward small talk. Any attempt to talk about things and he would have something come up and have to go and then he avoids me.

 

I don't know what to do and am sitting heart broken over what may just be a lost relationship I dont know how to fix this.

 

It is the loneliness that hurts the most. We have done eveything together for years. now i don't know where to turn. I want my Best Friend back.

[Greybear]

I don't have much to offer, either, Nick, but I'm hoping that everything does turn out all right.

 

I'll be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

 

 

-Chip

[old bob]

It's been weeks now and I have yet to hear from Drew other than a tense couple minutes on the phone twice spent on akward small talk. Any attempt to talk about things and he would have something come up and have to go and then he avoids me.

I don't know what to do and am sitting heart broken over what may just be a lost relationship I dont know how to fix this.

It is the loneliness that hurts the most. We have done eveything together for years. now i don't know where to turn. I want my Best Friend back.

I'm really sorry for you, but life is life. My advice comes from years of experiences !

You have to confront the reality, time for grieving is passed. Be a man, accept your fate, you will be rewarded. Either your sorrow will vanish or you will find a new friend and build a new future with him, letting the past become fine memories.

Youe said : "now i don't know where to turn.". I'm sure you have a lot of people around you, some you know and many others you dont know yet. Break your shell, loneliness is only a mood, not a fact.

I wish you good luck

Old Bob (who knows what he is talking about)

[Sir Galahad]

It's been weeks now and I have yet to hear from Drew other than a tense couple minutes on the phone twice spent on akward small talk. Any attempt to talk about things and he would have something come up and have to go and then he avoids me.

 

I don't know what to do and am sitting heart broken over what may just be a lost relationship I dont know how to fix this.

 

It is the loneliness that hurts the most. We have done eveything together for years. now i don't know where to turn. I want my Best Friend back.

To be honest, it's been a while since this has happened, yes? Forget the phone calls, e-mails & shit, go see him when he's not expecting you, when you know he's in & have this out. Because if you don't, the longer you leave it the harder it's gonna be to try & repair any damage. This is eating you inside & that ain't healthy. One way or another you have to get this out of your system & talk to him. I would strongly advise against using the love word though, that won't help your cause. All you can do now is get your best friend back, work out the rest later.

 

Good Luck.

Edited April 5, 2009 by Sir_Galahad

[Nicholas J. Covington]

I'm really sorry for you, but life is life. My advice comes from years of experiences !

You have to confront the reality, time for grieving is passed. Be a man, accept your fate, you will be rewarded. Either your sorrow will vanish or you will find a new friend and build a new future with him, letting the past become fine memories.

You said : "now i don't know where to turn.". I'm sure you have a lot of people around you, some you know and many others you don't know yet. Break your shell, loneliness is only a mood, not a fact.

I wish you good luck

Old Bob (who knows what he is talking about)

Emphasis Mine

How quickly do you really expect me to Grieve and move on from a 18 year long friendship. For 18 years we were insperable. Forgive me if this has been a difficult time for me.

[KJames]

I don't know what to do I'm in love with my best friend and even if i can't have him, I don't want to lose him. I've never felt so confused. I don't even know why he is not answering my calls, I went by his place last night but he wasn't home. This is killing me.

 

I Mean we slept together, sure, and I may have used the "L" word there at the end at the critical juncture, I think. And everything has felt a little awkward. It's just this time I don't have my best friend to confide in. And I'm lost without him.

 

I just don't know what to do. I can't lose him.

 

Nick, I think you captured what you really need to tell him in here. I've not followed this thread for some time now, and just came back because I was checking activity.

 

To paraphrase: You fell in love with your best friend, and even though he may not love you the way you love him, you got your priorities sorted out and will always value him more as your best friend than as a lover. And you don't ever want to lose that relationship, and want to tell him that you miss your best friend more than anything, and just want your best friend back.

 

It's time to "corner" him, and at least tell him this fact that you have come to realize--then let him decide if he still wants to be best friends. He might not have been comfortable with the gay relationship side of this, which is sad, but if he's intelligent enough to remain your best friend, then he's able to think and prioritize what's important.

 

All the best...

Kelly

Edited April 6, 2009 by kjames

[LongGone]

How quickly do you really expect me to Grieve and move on from a 18 year long friendship. For 18 years we were insperable. Forgive me if this has been a difficult time for me.

Exactly. I understand. It's crushing inside. I know how it feels.

[AFriendlyFace]

Hey dude, I'm so sorry you're going through all this

 

I have some thoughts.

 

I think the best way to "work things out" is going to depend on the dynamics of your particular relationship. Only you can really say what the best way to "fix" this is, because you're the one in the situation and you know yourself and him far better than any of us do. As a caveat I would say that if you have any close mutual friends who understand both of you pretty well, then they may be able to give you insight because they would benefit from having the fresh, outside perspective, but also from knowing both of you pretty well. Everyone in this thread undoubtedly wants to help and wants to make the situation better for you guys, but we don't know him at all and most of us probably don't know you that well either. We've certainly never seen the two of you interact. All we can do is tell you what we would do, or what we think might work based on what you've said. I'm hoping someone happens to suggest something which gives you perspective and makes you say, "yeah! That might help!"

 

I'll have another attempt myself.

 

I've recently repaired a broken friendship that was very important to me. At one time I would have described this person as one of my best friends and obviously I cared about him and trusted him a lot. The "break up" was very painful and confusing. The friendship didn't heal quickly by any means, but the way it did heal was through casual time spent together which gradually grow in intensity and frequency. In other words we didn't have any sort of direct relationship at all for awhile, but we still had quite a few mutual friends and saw each other during common activities. We were generally nice to each other, and over time things very gradually mended. The only reason they did though was probably because we continued to see each other, rarely at first. Now things are pretty much better than ever between us.

 

If you don't have any contact with him at all for the next several months and then you only run into each other once or twice here and there...well yeah, maybe things won't really get mended. On the other hand, if you have mutual friends and activities of interest, then maybe they can provide a non-intense, neutral sort of common ground where you can still see each other and interact but with less pressure and awkwardness. My mended friendship was more or less unintentional, after I grieved and dealt with the loss I didn't intent to purposely rebuild the friendship at all, so I didn't purposely look for these sorts of non-awkward contact situations, nevertheless they just sort of happened. Obviously my situation is vastly different from yours, but the point remains that if you do have anyone you might be spending time with anyway, who also has a friendship with him, then you can sort of manipulate this non-awkward contact with him. Just say to your mutual friend, "Hey, why don't we/you invite ___ to join us." If your friend is someone who can understand the situation and be supportive then they may very well be willing to do whatever they can to help out without overly butting in.

 

I dunno, just another suggestion. It may or may not help at all. I hope it does though

 

 

I'm really sorry for you, but life is life. My advice comes from years of experiences !

You have to confront the reality, time for grieving is passed. Be a man, accept your fate, you will be rewarded. Either your sorrow will vanish or you will find a new friend and build a new future with him, letting the past become fine memories.

Youe said : "now i don't know where to turn.". I'm sure you have a lot of people around you, some you know and many others you dont know yet. Break your shell, loneliness is only a mood, not a fact.

I wish you good luck

Old Bob (who knows what he is talking about)

 

I can see how Old Bob's post can be a bitter pill to swallow, Nickolas, but in honesty I more or less agree with the general message in it. The message I'm reading is that once it is apparent there's not really anything you can do about it, your only two options are essentially to remain in misery or pick yourself up and move on. Moving on really is the only tolerable choice IMO. That doesn't mean it won't be painful, but if you can't fix things then what else can you really do?

 

I also think it's true that you undoubtedly do have lots of other people out there whom you can meet or get to know better who can provide you with warm, satisfying relationships. That's sort of a message of hope to me. Yes, this situation sucks, but try this new one and see how it goes.

 

I also think that Old Bob is expressing general truths about life and "fate" in his post. Sometimes what's done is done and the best you can do now is look back with happiness over the good times. You had 18 wonderful years with him; that should provide a well-spring of happy memories to draw upon! I'm hoping you get to create more with him, but if you don't, please take solace in those good times.

 

The only point I'll disagree with is that now might be the time to stop grieving and move on. I think there's still a chance of repairing things, and regardless only you can know when you're ready to stop grieving. I will say though that I don't think you have the "right" (and I mean this in that from my perspective you owe yourself more) to be miserable forever, or even completely miserable for more than another month or so. After a "reasonable" amount of time (which you mostly get to define, but which I could caution you against defining to be too long a span), I do think it'll be time for you to start to get on with your life. It is okay to still be sad sometimes and to get unhappy and hurt when you think about what happened, but you should still start to move on and put it behind you after this "reasonable amount of time." Basically, I think after that period of time you should start gradually actively looking for (and yes I know this is going to sound horrible and hurt) a new best friend and new chances at happiness.

 

If things obviously aren't going to get better, or if they aren't going to get better any time in the foreseeable future, what other tolerable option do you really have?

 

I'm not saying that time is yet. I think your friendship still has a good chance, I really do! I also think that you'll be the best judge of when it is time to give up on it (at least for now). when that time does come, yes take your time and grieve enough to get it out and start to heal, but please don't be 'seduced' by the grief and despair. After it servers its purpose please do push it aside and start to move on.

 

 

 

 

Anyway, I'm not you, or him, or anyone of relevance in this situation, so take everything I've just said with a grain of salt

 

 

Good luck,

 

Kevin

[Mark Arbour]

I'd like to chime in and offer my sympathies as well, and to applaud Kevin for an excellent post. As he said, none of us know you two well enough to give you good advice, but that doesn't stop us from trying.

 

One of the common themes, though, is this need to confront him, or talk to him. I'm trying to visualize what your friend is like, and I've got him pegged as a relatively macho straight/bi guy. He's probably freaking out because he slept with you, maybe questioning his own sexuality, or dealing with the shit that society throws on all men who take a walk on the wild side. Or maybe he isn't. Regardless, if he's the kind of guy I'm visualizing, the last thing he wants to do is "talk" about what happened, "talk" about your relationship, "talk" about feelings, or "talk" period. He's off in his cave somewhere (a la "Men are from Mars Women are from Venus") trying to figure it out on his own. If he needs help, he'll ask.

 

What about you, your feelings? Well, you're f**ked. Because if this guy is grappling with his own deal, he won't have the emotional time and energy to help you through this, especially since seeing you will just bring his own issues back up again. If you've been friends for 18 years, and you're as close as that, he KNOWS how you feel, he knows you're hurting, and he probably feels like total shit about it. But it may not be within his abilities right now to make you feel better. Talking to him...you're not telling him anything he doesn't already know.

 

So Kevin's solution, lots of time and probably distance, may be your only option. It's better to wait and be friends again, than never to be friends again at all. Or at least that's the decision you may have to make.

[methodwriter85]

This feels like a situation that Adam Phillips would get.

[Procyon]

Since you've an 18-year friendship there must still be hope, and you shouldn't give up. I can't tell you what to do, but one thing that certainly can't be wrong is if you try to think of what's made him react the way he did (was it that you said the L-word or maybe other things as well?) and then reassure him -- maybe in an email where he doesn't have to respond -- that you have no demands, no expectations, etc, but only want to have a good time with thim like you used to. Then do what Kevin and a few others mentioned -- see to it that you meet him in relaxed circumstances, and stay in touch and talk about everyday things -- do whatever feels right, or at least doesn't feel wrong.

 

A long friendship like that doesn't just die overnight -- this is something you have to get through somehow and it's obviously going to be hard, but be strong and do it. Good luck!

[old bob]

........I can see how Old Bob's post can be a bitter pill to swallow, Nickolas, but in honesty I more or less agree with the general message in it.

Thanks for the support, Kevin. I know I'm rough, but I learnt that life is short, you never knows when your last day will come. It's even shorter in my case, so my trend is to never waste any minute in hopeless grieving !

The message I'm reading is that once it is apparent there's not really anything you can do about it, your only two options are essentially to remain in misery or pick yourself up and move on. Moving on really is the only tolerable choice IMO. That doesn't mean it won't be painful, but if you can't fix things then what else can you really do?

.

For example, it's the same problem with an abscess in your teeth or a tooth decay. The more you wait, the more pain the dentist will cause !

I also think that Old Bob is expressing general truths about life and "fate" in his post. Sometimes what's done is done and the best you can do now is look back with happiness over the good times

I dont fully agree with that ! Nicholas is too young to waste his time to look back. The important is his future. Looking back is good for old chaps like me.

I also think it's true that you undoubtedly do have lots of other people out there whom you can meet or get to know better who can provide you with warm, satisfying relationships. That's sort of a message of hope to me. Yes, this situation sucks, but try this new one and see how it goes..

Kevin

Nothing to add to these words. As usual, Kevin is resuming the best what I hope for our friend, and BTW, this time with a (very) few words .

[ben1478]

The best thing to do is probably just to give him some space until he's sorted everything out.

[Nicholas J. Covington]

Well, Good News I Guess:)? were at least talking again, It's Kind of awkward however It's like we're walking on egg shells with one another and it's even uncomfortable we're clearly avoiding things and it is like there is an elephant in the room.

 

Will this ever get better. Will I ever have my old friend back like we were?

 

I'm grateful he is at least still speaking to me again but I miss the way we were.

 

Still Confused,

[Procyon]

Well, Good News I Guess:)? were at least talking again, It's Kind of awkward however It's like we're walking on egg shells with one another and it's even uncomfortable we're clearly avoiding things and it is like there is an elephant in the room.

 

Will this ever get better. Will I ever have my old friend back like we were?

 

I'm grateful he is at least still speaking to me again but I miss the way we were.

 

Still Confused,

 

Great that you're talking again. It'll get better, don't worry.

[Sir Galahad]

Why are you grateful? Shit, you only used the 'L' word, you didn't run out and kill anyone, or throw a sack of kittens in a canal! Your friend needs to get over himself I feel, to throw an 18 year friendship down the toilet for one word is ridiculous. Yeah I bet he was surprised, who wouldn't be? But to drag it out this long seems unneccessary.

 

That aside, I agree that you two talking is a start, small steps and all that. All you need to do is find a haulier who'll take the elephant! That should come with more discourse though.

[methodwriter85]

Will this ever get better. Will I ever have my old friend back like we were?

 

You should really try reading It Started with Brian and Cross-Currents. It seems a hell of a lot like the story you're going through.

 

"Cross-Currents" by Adam Phillips

http://library.gaycafe.com/nifty/gay/relat...cross-currents/

 

"It Started with Brian" by Dan Kincaid

https://www.gayauthors.org/efiction/viewstory.php?sid=468

 

It's about all the advice I can give. I've never experienced being friends with someone since childhood- the earliest friendship I've ever had goes back to the 10th grade, when I was 16. But it seems like there's something very special about life-long friendships like that, and it's not anything to throw over.

[AFriendlyFace]

Well, Good News I Guess:)? were at least talking again, It's Kind of awkward however It's like we're walking on egg shells with one another and it's even uncomfortable we're clearly avoiding things and it is like there is an elephant in the room.

 

Will this ever get better. Will I ever have my old friend back like we were?

 

I'm grateful he is at least still speaking to me again but I miss the way we were.

 

Still Confused,

Wooo HOOO! That's awesome, dude!

 

 

And yes, it almost certainly will get better. My friend and I did the 'walking on egg shells' thing for a long time too. It does get better and more comfortable, it just takes some time for each person to adjust and see that everything is okay.

[Nicholas J. Covington]

Another Update,

 

And now im confused, more than ever.

 

Well Drew and I are doing pretty well now as best friends again were pretty well unsepreable again.

 

Last night though he finally admitted to me that he "Loves me too!!" And I think he ment "Like That" But that he dose not know what to do with that, he says that relationships never work for him and he dosn't want to lose me or what we have. So it is kinda a bittersweet revelation, I seems we may both be in love with eachother but to paralized by fear to move past keeping the status quo.

 

I told him he knows how i feel and that i will always care about him but for now i would let him choose where things go, just as long as i don't lose my best friend again as im not sure i could handle that.

 

He said he needed time to think because he was scared by what he was feeling. and that i deserved to know how he felt even if he could not bring himself to act on it that it was not me he was running away from.

 

So, I guess I'm not sure how I feel. I would still like to try a relationship, but at the sametime i don't want to lose what we have, he is my best friend and soal mate and he can be that with out a relationship if need be. So im back to being confused, but a bit happyer these days.

 

Even if i am missing the phenominal sex. lol

[TalonRider]

A friendship can still work. Years ago, I was in a similar situation with an ex. We started out as friends and became bf's for two years. Due to the circumstances of our break up, we were able to salvage the friendship we had before. I think the key for us was all the talking we did about the situation.

[Nicholas J. Covington]

Thanks for the support, TR. Our Friendship is pretty well back on track actually. It is just a question if our friendship will grow into something more like a relationship, "or if we are even brave enouph to try to be more for each other" as it seems we do both love each other it is just wer're afraid to ruin what we have now.

[Nicholas J. Covington]

Has anyone Had Any Sucsess with romantic relationships with best friends, Or am I asking for trouble?

[LongGone]

Has anyone Had Any Sucsess with romantic relationships with best friends, Or am I asking for trouble?

Disaster.

Lose the friend and the relationship.