Are you the Alpha in your relationship

[NaperVic]

Watching my dog interact with other dogs and viewing dozens of episodes of Cesar Millan's Dog Whisperer, it's been fascinating to learn about dog pack mentality and how there's always an Alpha Dog. Some dogs are reluctant to be in that position, but will take the lead if he/she feels the pack isn't being lead properly. Other dogs are perfectly fine in a more submissive role in the pack.

 

Do you think there is a similar heirarchy in human, monogamous relationships? Does the relationship work better if there is an alpha? And this isn't necessarily sexual (where Alpha=Top).

 

 

For me in my last relationship, I found myself in the reluctant leadership role. I would have been perfectly happy with my partner making most of the major decisions (where to eat, where to go on vacation), someone who'd take care of me, make me feel 'safe'.

 

So ideally for me, I'd be comfortable being led if I felt the partner was a good leader.

 

How about you? Or is this all hogwash?

[SRevol]

It depends on the partner and the chemistry between us n_n(or maybe the lack of chemistry)

[Mark Arbour]

I've noticed with polls like this that it's customary to whine about the question and claim that it doesn't cover the options very well. We'll pretend someone already did that.

 

One way I think you can tell who's the alpha is to ask, when you go somewhere together, who drives? I always do. I have control issues.

[Daisy]

I've noticed with polls like this that it's customary to whine about the question and claim that it doesn't cover the options very well. We'll pretend someone already did that.

 

One way I think you can tell who's the alpha is to ask, when you go somewhere together, who drives? I always do. I have control issues.

 

haha, yep I drive too. i think i do take the lead on things, I often end up doing when nobody else does otherwise time is wasted or nobody says what they really feel (talking here mainly life in general). but yep I drive, i love driving though, wouldn't want to really give that up.

 

celia

[Mark Arbour]

haha, yep I drive too. i think i do take the lead on things, I often end up doing when nobody else does otherwise time is wasted or nobody says what they really feel (talking here mainly life in general). but yep I drive, i love driving though, wouldn't want to really give that up.

 

celia

 

So you're pretty butch?

[Daisy]

So you're pretty butch?

err nope. but not too femme either. definitely not a girly girl.

[writeincode]

I like being lead in general life things, like where to go, what to do, how to do it and time management stuff. I'd prefer to be lead with emotional decisions too but if the leader is incompetent here (and he is) I'll take over.

[old bob]

"Libert

[Sir Galahad]

I think the options at the top pretty much cover things ok.

I'd have to say that I'm the reluctant Alpha, & I think that this is the first relationship ever, where that is the case. Before, it was always pretty much 50-50, not just in bed but in everyday life as well.

With my partner now, I guess I had to take control, otherwise we'd never get anything done, & he's very happy that I do that. lol

And yeah, when we go out I do tend to drive. Mainly because I hate anyone else driving my baby, even my man.

[J_Ross]

I chose that I like to be lead, but that's not entirely true. I just hate having someone ask for my opinion and then shooting it down when I give it, on repeat until I've finally suggested something that's acceptable. So, I skip the whole useless conversation and ask 'what do you want to do/eat/etc.' because I'm fairly easy to please, anyway. And, we've FINALLY gotten to the point where the answer to that question isn't a very irritating 'I don't know. You?'.

 

But, I've noticed that in social situations, I'm definitely the one taking the 'lead'. But that could just be because I'm a chatty SOB. I'm not even sure if this is relevant, but I'm also the one that literally leads the way through crowds and stores and such. *shrug*

 

Huh. I think the correct (for me) answer to this question is a very solid I have no idea.

[Former Member]

I picked none of the above just so i could say this

I am the lone wolf "Ayoooo!!!!!" like that old redheaded lady in Mamma Mia lmao. Hmmm actually i'd have to agree there in my relationships we were equals but we never spent enough time with each other to make plans for lunch or go somewhere and if we both happened to be at the same place then we'd hang out and that together, we mostly did our own things and that because i wouldn't conform into how they wanted me to dress and act i sure know how to pick them ha ha. With my straight friends i notice there is this Alpha thing where the man is like "I am man hear me roar! You are woman you are my slave" & its "What do you want for supper?" "No what do you want?" then the womans gotta make it anyways (id so make what i wanted and be like THERE! Make your own!) makes me puke lol. Yet my 1 female friend who is a huge man hater because she got burnt alot. Tells me that i better be careful because i'll find that alot with gay people. I told her "and that man will have the door hit him in the face"

[sat8997]

I picked none of the above.

 

While my husband and I aren

[Mark Arbour]

I picked none of the above.

 

While my husband and I aren

[KJames]

I picked none of the above.

 

While my husband and I aren't an equal 50/50 partnership, neither of us is the alpha. It's more like a 65/35 split with him having the 65. And that's mainly because he likes to think he's in charge and I perpetrate that illusion to protect his fragile male ego. That, plus I get tired of listening to him whine. He's got this thing about being in control and, unfortunately for him, I dislike being controlled. But after 30 years together, I just don't bother to sweat the small stuff. It's just not worth the aggravation, so he usually always picks where we go to eat and is usually the one doing the driving. Where our girls are concerned or major finance stuff like our house, it's 50/50 no matter how much he whines.

 

 

Mark, I'm, sort of, in the same kind of boat Sharon is...my partner, Rob, is a controller...so I let him do what he wants...and I do what I want...he's in charge of the "social calendar" and "appointments" but I'm in charge of driving so, if I'm not ready... He let's me have enough time to do "chores" (which I don't mind doing), but sometimes forgets how much time they actually take...so when something isn't done he also knows better than to ask, "Why?"

Edited February 27, 2009 by kjames

[Daisy]

I wonder if anyone on the board here believes that?

 

Reminds me of some friends of mine, where the husband makes all the decisions. Every one of them. And all of those decisions are fed to him by his wife. She's kind of like the Cheney to his George W. Bush (first term, anyway).

 

It reminds me of my mum. she would always tell me about the world of work (at least hers), and how the trick being to allow the male ego, let him think that he is making all the decisions, that is in control all powerful and the one making all the waves. when really you are cooling manipulating, feeding ideas and letting them think they are his own. does it matter right if you are getting what you want done even if you don't get the credit?

 

back to relationships. I haven't really had a serious relationships so I can't really draw on what it was like. But I think I am a leading person and I do like control. But at the same time I don't want it all the time as it is tiresome. I want to be with someone who can also make decisions and be confident in them, it would drive me crazy to have to do that all the time, especially for the little ones. it's why 6 months ago I decided to give up on a potential crush because I realised that we wouldn't be compatible in that way. that and I don't want to be pushy or domineering and I felt that if I was having to make all the decisions all the time because they were shy and always 'I don't know' mainly unwilling to give an answer that I would end up becoming that way by default (in part trying to pressure them to tell me what they do really want). someone mentioned emotionally leading, I think that I want someone who is definitely at least equal, I think that's the important area of me.

 

celia

[AFriendlyFace]

I find this poll completely annoying! I hate the concept of power differences in interpersonal relationships, especially romantic partnerships. I always say that the whole 'reason I'm gay' is so that I can be in a completely equal relationship without worrying about damn (gender) roles.

 

That being said, I'm certainly not perfect, and the truth is that I'm kinda used to getting my way

 

My ideal relationship is undoubtedly the equal, 50-50 sort, but looking back over my past relationships there's no doubt that I've tended to take the lead.

 

I seem to unconsciously find myself in the lead despite consciously trying to keep things equal. I suppose it's because I tend to notice if someone tells me what to do, and I don't tend to stand for it. On the other hand, I'm rather opinionated and I tend to speak up (which I don't notice quite as much ), so that's probably how it happens.

 

I will say that I disagree with the whole "whoever is driving the car is symbolically driving the relationship" notion. I suppose that's very often true for relationships, but personally speaking I dislike driving when I'm with other people. In fact one of my main little wants in a relationship is that he does all the driving when we're together (that's not to say I won't tell him where to go or how to get there ).

 

I'll also add that I find it very annoying when people completely abdicate being a part of the decision making process and then bitch about what I picked. I have a friend who is very picky, yet always tries to get other people to make the decisions. Invariably he's never happy with what the other person decides (he does it a lot with me, but I've watched him do it countless times with many other people as well). He really needs to just speak up!

 

 

-Kevin

[AFriendlyFace]

Sorry, I cross-posted with Celia

 

it's why 6 months ago I decided to give up on a potential crush because I realised that we wouldn't be compatible in that way. that and I don't want to be pushy or domineering and I felt that if I was having to make all the decisions all the time because they were shy and always 'I don't know' mainly unwilling to give an answer that I would end up becoming that way by default (in part trying to pressure them to tell me what they do really want).

 

That's exactly what's happened to me to an extreme degree in this one relationship I had. He just would not give his opinion, desire, or preference. After a while I gave up asking and just told him exactly what to do all the time. He was very cute, and it was really fun always getting my way without any complaints or resistance, but ultimately I felt like I dictator and I didn't like that one bit.

 

I think I'm better off without an overly shy person. It's true that I'll "take the lead" and do the talking in social situations or in general "balance things out" as people like to say, but I really don't want that at all. I might be quite out-going and extroverted at times, but I'm also quite introverted and like being quiet. Furthermore, I think that ideally we could both enjoy being very out-going, or very quiet at the same time sometimes.

 

Eh, I need a very balanced person to be happy. I'm not too into the whole concept of being "complimentary" to each other. I definitely don't want to do the whole "I'm out-going, you're shy" thing. What I am very willing and happy to do is, "I'm out-going in some areas, at some times and you can be quieter then." And "I'm quiet in some areas, at some times, and you can be more out-going then." That would be really nice, and I'd like that across the board on pretty much all traits, but I definitely don't want us to be "all the time opposites" in any areas.

[Daisy]

I

I will say that I disagree with the whole "whoever is driving the car is symbolically driving the relationship" notion. I suppose that's very often true for relationships, but personally speaking I dislike driving when I'm with other people. In fact one of my main little wants in a relationship is that he does all the driving when we're together (that's not to say I won't tell him where to go or how to get there ).

 

-Kevin

 

 

Sorry, I cross-posted with Celia

 

Eh, I need a very balanced person to be happy. I'm not too into the whole concept of being "complimentary" to each other. I definitely don't want to do the whole "I'm out-going, you're shy" thing. What I am very willing and happy to do is, "I'm out-going in some areas, at some times and you can be quieter then." And "I'm quiet in some areas, at some times, and you can be more out-going then." That would be really nice, and I'd like that across the board on pretty much all traits, but I definitely don't want us to be "all the time opposites" in any areas.

 

 

I think it sounds like we agree quite a bit here. you mentioned that you don't like gender roles, but then you have come on to talk about leading versus lead. and so I think the poll isn't really about gender roles at all. mark called me butch , but that's not really a reflection on who I am. We are talking about this and it has provided rich discussion because these sorts of things are observable and experience-able, it's just then not something you should try and label maybe.

 

my personality is outspoken and I do speak up. and neither do I like to be told what to do without reason. I like to think and discuss and debate. But it is only fairly recently that I am recognising these things about myself, friends pointing them out lol. So I'm a mixture of quiet, especially around new people and I would have said shy, but then speak to others and I'm told, be serious you are not shy. And true even when I feel uncomfortable I Will talk and debate and raise uncomfortable things when I don't necessarily want the spotlight. and by this I now have quite strong views which must feed into why I like to control my life, I like to understand what is happening around me, so couldn't be passive about things.

 

I have thought about the effect that would have on the partner that would suit me best. I need someone able to stand up to me, to challenge me, to debate with me, to lead, it would be part of what I found as enjoyment. but the same side of that is trust and comfort, or whatever I'm rambling and not really knowing what I am saying.

 

so yeah, we are discussing personalities, people, not gender roles. so maybe your idea of liking being gay because you can get away from them is misguided and part of what you need to rethink ...?

 

Celia

[Mark Arbour]

I find this poll completely annoying! I hate the concept of power differences in interpersonal relationships, especially romantic partnerships. I always say that the whole 'reason I'm gay' is so that I can be in a completely equal relationship without worrying about damn (gender) roles.

 

That being said, I'm certainly not perfect, and the truth is that I'm kinda used to getting my way

 

My ideal relationship is undoubtedly the equal, 50-50 sort, but looking back over my past relationships there's no doubt that I've tended to take the lead.

 

I seem to unconsciously find myself in the lead despite consciously trying to keep things equal. I suppose it's because I tend to notice if someone tells me what to do, and I don't tend to stand for it. On the other hand, I'm rather opinionated and I tend to speak up (which I don't notice quite as much ), so that's probably how it happens.

 

I will say that I disagree with the whole "whoever is driving the car is symbolically driving the relationship" notion. I suppose that's very often true for relationships, but personally speaking I dislike driving when I'm with other people. In fact one of my main little wants in a relationship is that he does all the driving when we're together (that's not to say I won't tell him where to go or how to get there ).

 

I'll also add that I find it very annoying when people completely abdicate being a part of the decision making process and then bitch about what I picked. I have a friend who is very picky, yet always tries to get other people to make the decisions. Invariably he's never happy with what the other person decides (he does it a lot with me, but I've watched him do it countless times with many other people as well). He really needs to just speak up!

 

 

-Kevin

 

 

Yet another thing to add to your somewhat massive list of things defining an ideal relationship.

 

Still single Kevin?

[AFriendlyFace]

Hmm, that all does make a lot of sense, Celia

 

 

Yet another thing to add to your somewhat massive list of things defining an ideal relationship.

 

Still single Kevin?

 

Well, I suppose I do have a lot of criteria for an "ideal relationship," but I know I can't necessarily have everything. I suppose I just need to work out the absolute most important things and compromise on the rest.

 

I like to think I'm decent at compromising, but if I'm honest with myself, I can probably see where there's a lot of room for improvement. For example, despite being a fairly social person I'm also quite happy as a loner. I think that makes me prone to saying, "well, you go do your thing and I'll go do mine." I'm happy with that, but I suppose it isn't necessarily the most conducive attitude to compromising and finding activities we both enjoy.

 

 

This thread definitely has given me some things to think about

 

-Kevin