Something new.. Untitled as of yet

[hashbrown]

Like rocks falling from atop a grand canyon,

My heart drops to the chambers of my stomach.

Left without an understanding companion,

Hearing your words is just too much to stomach.

 

Life without cause is a wingless bird,

A stepless ladder,

And a trackless train.

But what is life without pain?

An impossible possibility through Christ apparently.

For we have received pain and punishment inherently.

A lost cause and misguided direction just don't add up.

 

Like you and I.

 

A parentless pup is left in the world, misguided and alone, with no cause.

He is taken in by new loving owners but it is not enough.

He has everything he wanted but it is not enough.

It just isn't the same..it just isn't enough.

 

The rocks fall to the ground,

The bird is shot and killed,

Christ died on the cross,

The ladder is tossed,

The train is dormant.

The pup is barely alive, but so dead in so many ways.

 

You still make my thoughts repeat.

You still make my heart off-beat.

You still make myself love you.

 

My completly dead and nonexistant self, it still loves you.

[Conner]

Really nice, hashbrown!

 

Nice imagery, except maybe for "chambers of my stomach"...some sort of acid reflux thing going on there.

 

Some nice sounds...trackless train....parentless puppy.

 

Using Christ as a metaphor for "lost cause" and "misguided direction" was superb...very thought provoking.

 

My favourite stanza...

 

You still make my thoughts repeat.

You still make my heart off-beat.

You still make myself love you.

 

So sweet!

[Fishwings]

I'm not sure about two lines in the first stanza that end off in "stomach"...

 

"Like rocks falling from atop a grand canyon,

My heart drops to the chambers of my stomach.

Left without an understanding companion,

Hearing your words is just too much to stomach."

 

The repetition is awkward.

 

I usually don't dig "prose" ish poems, but I like what you got here : D.

[Christian000]

It appears to me that the "love" this poem is talking about is a infatuation that grows into a destructive obsession that disassembles and thwarts a person's life and sense of purpose: "A lost cause and misguided direction just don't add up. Like you and I." This is what I understand from the poem but it also seems there is more to this poem since it never indicates that the substance of the relationship is what is causing this negative impact on the narrator's soul and not some other indirect cause.

 

B+ (at least) I enjoy the beautiful illustration of despair obsessive relationships can have on a person.

 

 

I totally do not understand the lines " But what is life without pain? An impossible possibility through Christ apparently."

Someone please explain. . .

Edited November 20, 2009 by Christian000

[hashbrown]

 

I totally do not understand the lines " But what is life without pain? An impossible possibility through Christ apparently."

Someone please explain. . .

 

I was trying to convey the image that Christianity is an escape for a person in pain, a "way out of pain" if you will, a joyful, peaceful life that can be attained through giving one's life to Jesus, but the struggle that soooo many people have in giving their lives up to him. For some its like a reality thats impossible for them to attain.