On The Mark

[PrivateTim]

Is Mark going to finish On The Mark??

 

I want to know if he ever saw Darryl again? What happened to Van? Did he finish Junior College? What about Derrick? Or even Aaron? Or Matt?

 

I mean it seems unfinished because it just ends after a random encounter in the JC.

[Mark Arbour]

Is he going to finish it? Probably not, and the probably is only there because I try to never say never.

 

There are a couple of reasons. The first one is that starting the story was kind of fun, but I got to a really rough patch and it stirred up some really unpleasant memories, things I just don't want to relive. I found that trying to go there made me really depressed, and there really is no need to bring that kind of anguish into my life. Writing is supposed to be fun, or barring that, at least therapeutic, but this was neither. It was just painful, and I'm no masochist.

 

The second is that I stopped right before I got into a really slutty phase. (I'll let you know when it ends ). I've posted some snapshots here and there in the past, and I've gotten a lot of self-righteous sneers. It's amazing to me how petty and judgmental some gay and bi guys can be. I'm not always the most even-tempered of people, although I've gotten better at that as I've gotten older, so the thought of having a bunch of nitwits tossing out their morals at me was a little too nauseating to bear. One guy in particular pissed me off. I guess he never gets/got laid. It would explain so much. I don't have much use for prudes of any stripe, but I think guys are wired for sex (pretty much), so the attempt by some to appear less whorish than they are, as if they're pure as driven snow, is bullshit. If they are pure, they're boring as hell, and who wants to deal with them anyway? If not, they're just sanctimonious pieces of shit, and the same thing applies. Just jump back in the closet and go join up with Fred Phelps. It wasn't so much that I gave a shit what he/they thought, it was more a fear that I would reach my fist through the computer and lay them out on the floor. Figuratively speaking of course. And then I'd create problems for CJ, Graeme, or Kevin, and they're too awesome to have to deal with that.

 

Maybe some day I'll go through and do a "what happened to them" deal, who knows? The worst one to talk about, though, is Darryl. He died of AIDS in the late 80s. I saw him a few times after he left, both of them in The City. The last time, he was already sick, and pretty much your typical homeless bum. I was with some friends of mine from college, and we were both embarrassed to be seen together. I was embarrassed that this bum was my friend, and he was embarrassed at being seen by me and my buds. But we got past that, I said hi and we talked a little bit, all superficially. I gave him some money and tried to tell him with my eyes how sorry I was that he was where he was at, and I'd like to say we had this ethereal connection and bonded optically, but we didn't. He just had a hollow look.

 

When we had the discussion about "1968" and Jeff's death, it inevitably lead to an evaluation of JP and how heartless he was. In "Be Rad", he spends a lot of time and a lot of tears trying to atone for not doing enough, for not trying hard enough to help Jeff. His thoughts, that maybe if he'd tried just a little harder, that maybe if he'd done something more, that maybe if he'd subordinated his own needs a little more and reached out to Jeff, Jeff could have been saved. Those emotions and feelings are very real for me, because they're similar to the ones I feel when I think about Darryl.

 

And now, once again, I've let this envelop me and bring me to tears, and it just validates my decision to focus on fiction, and leave some of those younger years of my life buried in obscurity, safely entombed in my psyche. They're like barrels of radioactive waste, safe as long as they're sealed, but dangerous when opened by people not wearing the proper gear. I feel bad, like I led you guys on by starting and not finishing the story, but it's just a little more guilt I'll have to bear. I'll try to make it up to you with fiction.

[Adam Phillips]

Well said, Mark.

 

It's struck me as the years have gone by: Back in the days of On the Mark there were three of us who were doing roughly the same thing--telling a story that was essentially autobiographical.

 

Of those three, I'm the only one who has stayed with it. The other guy working on his ultimately abandoned it, for reasons that are almost identical to Mark's. As for me, I've walked away from my story twice. One of those two times, I actually had it removed from the places that were hosting it. And as it stands, it's been three years since I've added a chapter. That's all going to change this year. You'll be able to find my story here, and I'll finish it this year.

 

It's hard, is all I'm saying, when you commit to writing your story. And there are certain places that get really tough to get through. You go back and you have to face your demons. The only reason I didn't totally cave is that my past wasn't quite as traumatic as either Arbour's or Walsh's were to them. I can go back there without feeling like I'm crawling naked across a room full of broken glass.

 

I've harassed Mark to finish this story a couple of times. I harass him a lot about things. Like killing off Jeff, LOL. But I love him crazy mad, and I totally get why he can't finish, and I totally got his back on that.

 

And one more thing: People need to tend to their own shit. How other people play out the hand that is dealt to them, sexually, is their own business. And if the religious, self-righteous types need a biblical reference for inspiration, here it is: "Do not judge, so that you may not be judged. ²For with the judgment you make you will be judged, and the measure you give will be the measure you get. ³Why do you see the speck in your neighbor

[Tiger]

I don't blame you one bit, Mark. I could never write an autobiographical story. It would be too painful. The fact that you even started such a story shows that you have a lot more guys than I do. Fictional stories allow you to attach yourself to characters who are not you, and it's a lot easier even when they go through difficult times, because you're not reliving your own worst nightmares in the process.

[Mark Arbour]

Well said, Mark.

 

It's struck me as the years have gone by: Back in the days of On the Mark there were three of us who were doing roughly the same thing--telling a story that was essentially autobiographical.

 

Of those three, I'm the only one who has stayed with it. The other guy working on his ultimately abandoned it, for reasons that are almost identical to Mark's. As for me, I've walked away from my story twice. One of those two times, I actually had it removed from the places that were hosting it. And as it stands, it's been three years since I've added a chapter. That's all going to change this year. You'll be able to find my story here, and I'll finish it this year.

 

It's hard, is all I'm saying, when you commit to writing your story. And there are certain places that get really tough to get through. You go back and you have to face your demons. The only reason I didn't totally cave is that my past wasn't quite as traumatic as either Arbour's or Walsh's were to them. I can go back there without feeling like I'm crawling naked across a room full of broken glass.

 

I've harassed Mark to finish this story a couple of times. I harass him a lot about things. Like killing off Jeff, LOL. But I love him crazy mad, and I totally get why he can't finish, and I totally got his back on that.

 

And one more thing: People need to tend to their own shit. How other people play out the hand that is dealt to them, sexually, is their own business. And if the religious, self-righteous types need a biblical reference for inspiration, here it is: "Do not judge, so that you may not be judged. ²For with the judgment you make you will be judged, and the measure you give will be the measure you get. ³Why do you see the speck in your neighbor's eye, but do not notice the log in your own eye? ⁴Or how can you say to your neighbor, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' while the log is in your own eye? ⁵You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your neighbor's eye." (Matthew 7:1-5). Seeing as how none of us do a very good job of the logs in our own eyes, we need to leave our neighbors the f**k alone regarding the specks in their eyes.

 

They must not have that part in their Bibles at the godhatesfags.com church. Or in some of the good folk who proceeded to judge Arbour about his life.

 

Adam P

 

You know, it wasn't even the religious guys. It was the guys who were doing that "I can't believe you just met that guy and blew him" thing. Like you're trash if you don't try to have a long-term relationship with every guy you blow, or f**k. I've got more to say on that, but I'll save it for a blog entry or something.

 

 

I don't blame you one bit, Mark. I could never write an autobiographical story. It would be too painful. The fact that you even started such a story shows that you have a lot more guys than I do. Fictional stories allow you to attach yourself to characters who are not you, and it's a lot easier even when they go through difficult times, because you're not reliving your own worst nightmares in the process.

 

Well, you kind of hit the nail on the head. Through fictional characters, I can interweave some of my own experiences. Remember the surfer Stef blew on the beach in "The Land Whore?"

[PrivateTim]

, and it's a lot easier even when they go through difficult times, because you're not reliving your own worst nightmares in the process.

 

Own worst nightmares? Obviously you haven't read On The Mark.

 

This fictional character named Mark gets laid like a champ with some very cool, very hot guys. No it wasn't all skittles and beer, but Mark had a pretty nice time in high school other than f**king up his grades.

 

On a serious note, it was bad to hear about Darryl because I liked him for what he did for Mark and he certainly didn't deserve what he got from his encounter with Derrick.

[PrivateTim]

The second is that I stopped right before I got into a really slutty phase. (I'll let you know when it ends ). I've posted some snapshots here and there in the past, and I've gotten a lot of self-righteous sneers. It's amazing to me how petty and judgmental some gay and bi guys can be. I'm not always the most even-tempered of people, although I've gotten better at that as I've gotten older, so the thought of having a bunch of nitwits tossing out their morals at me was a little too nauseating to bear. One guy in particular pissed me off. I guess he never gets/got laid. It would explain so much. I don't have much use for prudes of any stripe, but I think guys are wired for sex (pretty much), so the attempt by some to appear less whorish than they are, as if they're pure as driven snow, is bullshit. If they are pure, they're boring as hell, and who wants to deal with them anyway? If not, they're just sanctimonious pieces of shit, and the same thing applies. Just jump back in the closet and go join up with Fred Phelps. It wasn't so much that I gave a shit what he/they thought, it was more a fear that I would reach my fist through the computer and lay them out on the floor. Figuratively speaking of course. And then I'd create problems for CJ, Graeme, or Kevin, and they're too awesome to have to deal with that.

 

And now, once again, I've let this envelop me and bring me to tears, and it just validates my decision to focus on fiction,

 

To start, sorry to bring you to tears (kinda), but I also believe tears can be cathartic and if they were tears for Darryl than I am totally ok with it because I think Darryl, at least the young Darryl, is someone worth remembering and shedding a tear for once in a while.

 

As to the other part, the judgmental set I tend to ignore them. So many young people (young being under 40 these days) have no concept of the pre-Internet world. A world where men dancing with men was illegal in L.A. County and LAPD used it as an excuse to beat up, harass and out gay men. West Hollywood's hot spots weren't the open air clubs and eateries they are now where you wave to the cars on Santa Monica Blvd., you entered in the alley and hoped no one saw you sneaking in. Anonymous sex, glory holes, etc. were an out growth of no other outlets, but so many people don't get that and judge those partake or did.

 

I will confess to being a little judgmental about those NOT trying to get laid at every turn because that just seems so unnatural for men. I agree that men are wired for sex so I am suspicious of those who act sanctimoniously celibate, I think either they are lying or repressed.

 

Thanks for what there was of On The Mark, but understand that I do care about Mark and what happened to him, to Van, with Matt, etc. It was very cathartic for me as Mark and I were very very similar in our experiences {except for the bad grades and JC thing }.

[Tiger]

Own worst nightmares? Obviously you haven't read On The Mark.

 

This fictional character named Mark gets laid like a champ with some very cool, very hot guys. No it wasn't all skittles and beer, but Mark had a pretty nice time in high school other than f**king up his grades.

 

On a serious note, it was bad to hear about Darryl because I liked him for what he did for Mark and he certainly didn't deserve what he got from his encounter with Derrick.

Well, he did have some issues arise, memories that weren't so nice. Still, some of us do have horror stories, so really, it was more of an example. Of course, losing good friends to AIDS is difficult.

 

Oh, and Mark, it's been a while since I've read The Land Whore, but that sounds like a very hot scene indeed!

[rjo]

Never having met Mark and only knowing him through the story and this form I now can understand him better. Hopefully he wouldn't be upset with me for this but after reading On the Mark, I see a lot of Mark in JP. Over time I have learned to love JP. So looking for love, so needed it and having a hard time to let love in. Mark I am not saying you have that problem. Just last week and very dear friend of mine died. I have been trying to reconnect with him for years and have not been able too. Many times we let the years past and don't go the extra mile for people we care about until it is too late. That is JP and Jeff.

Edited April 4, 2010 by rjo

[Mark Arbour]

Never having met Mark and only knowing him through the story and this form I now can understand him better. Hopefully he wouldn't be upset with me for this but after reading On the Mark, I see a lot of Mark in JP. Over time I have learned to love JP. So looking for love, so needed it and having a hard time to let love in. Mark I am not saying you have that problem. Just last week and very dear friend of mine died. I have been trying to reconnect with him for years and have not been able too. Many times we let the years past and don't go the extra mile for people we care about until it is too late. That is JP and Jeff.

 

Thanks! But to be honest, I'm probably more like Brad. Except my dick isn't that big.

[methodwriter85]

I always thought Be Rad showed a marked improvement in your writing, and I think its because you put so much of yourself and your life into the story. You knew the world- 1980 suburban NorCal teenage life- and you did a great job of recreating that world for us. I especially liked how you lifted the exchange from On the Mark where the mid-westerner guy makes fun of Mark saying a car is 'bad', and turned it into an exchange where Robbie doesn't understand Brad's use of bad.

[rjo]

It is said that a truly great author uses his own feelings to bring his writing to life Mark you have done that beyond belief. As for you being like Brad. I think Brad is a wonderful person too. It is strange that even though JP and Brad don't see eye to eye all the time they both have many of the same goals, and will defend the family to the death. They make great friends but don't get on their bad side.

[PrivateTim]

Thanks! But to be honest, I'm probably more like Brad. Except my dick isn't that big.

 

You are the author hun, make it as big as you want.

[Mark Arbour]

You are the author hun, make it as big as you want.