Corrupted by Forty-Two

[Andrew Q Gordon]

Okay so that clears up most of my questions I raised in my last post here - seems I should know by now if I think it, its already taken care of.

 

Wish I could offer something constructive but I can't. It was a great chapter - how you 'clean up things' now is going to be interesting. Can't wait to see how Kiba and Avy wriggle out of this.

 

PS did Reg shoot mom first? Beat her into unconsciousness? I mean three shot gun blasts and no mom? Hmm - no wait don't answer - it will be explained soon enough

 

Andy

[Forty-Two]

Okay so that clears up most of my questions I raised in my last post here - seems I should know by now if I think it, its already taken care of.

 

Wish I could offer something constructive but I can't. It was a great chapter - how you 'clean up things' now is going to be interesting. Can't wait to see how Kiba and Avy wriggle out of this.

 

PS did Reg shoot mom first? Beat her into unconsciousness? I mean three shot gun blasts and no mom? Hmm - no wait don't answer - it will be explained soon enough

 

Andy

 

I'm so glad you asked those questions though. It makes me think and double check that things are all tied together... plus I can overlook things that I know as an author and think are obvious when really it's only been glossed over in one sentence to readers... I'm still wondering if I should throw in a sentence somewhere in the beginning stating that Avy's friends never visit the house....

 

Glad you liked this chapter. It is one of my favs, vamp history plus fun violence. As for where the story goes from here... well, the next chapter is titled "Changes." The tone changes, the characters change, and the direction of the story takes a fork that some people might not agree with. It'll be interesting to see if people feel all the changes are for the good or the bad. I'm pretty anxious about it's reception actually!

 

CQTM (chuckles quietly to myself) - I will not answer, because yes, you will find out within the first few paragraphs.

[Forty-Two]

Chapter ten, "Changes," is now posted! Woo-ha!

 

The tone and the characters really change in this chapter. I'm not sure if everyone is going to like it. Let me know how you feel. In Houses Fall it still felt like this story could go on for many more chapters, but now we can see how it's starting to wrap up. Only two more chapters to go after this... how will it all end?

[Foopy]

This is an excellently written and devised story! I am always on the edge of my seat waiting for the next event! The story has become one of my favorites, and i cant wait for the next part! Keep it up, it just is getting better and better!

[Andrew Q Gordon]

I see what you were saying about a shift - but frankly if you didn't/don't shift your story is about over - your build up was for Kiba to 'take' Avy, to get him to be his. That happened in the last chapter - there wasn't much more play in the line. SO this is an excellent transition point. More than that, it is a great new direction. Avy went from needing someone to fill the void his abusive, neglectful father left to taking over the roll his father had in the house was an interesting twist. Kiba's reactions, were not in character - or at least not what we expected and you explain that really well - which in turn shows us that it WAS/IS in character.

 

I think this is great stuff - you are making us - the readers - see exactly what you want when you want and how you want. It is not easy to do but you are doing it well. Keep it up

 

Andy

[Forty-Two]

Chapter eleven, "Reality Check," is now up. Only one more left to go!

[Forty-Two]

This is an excellently written and devised story! I am always on the edge of my seat waiting for the next event! The story has become one of my favorites, and i cant wait for the next part! Keep it up, it just is getting better and better!

 

Awesome! Thanks a lot! And thanks for dropping by!

 

I see what you were saying about a shift - but frankly if you didn't/don't shift your story is about over - your build up was for Kiba to 'take' Avy, to get him to be his. That happened in the last chapter - there wasn't much more play in the line. SO this is an excellent transition point. More than that, it is a great new direction. Avy went from needing someone to fill the void his abusive, neglectful father left to taking over the roll his father had in the house was an interesting twist. Kiba's reactions, were not in character - or at least not what we expected and you explain that really well - which in turn shows us that it WAS/IS in character.

 

I think this is great stuff - you are making us - the readers - see exactly what you want when you want and how you want. It is not easy to do but you are doing it well. Keep it up

 

Andy

 

Hey, you justify things even better than I do! Go Andy! As long as it seems like I, and by extension the characters, am/are making sense, then it's all working out great! Thanks for your awesome input

[Welshdude]

Read the 10 chapters straight lol. Was tired but I couldn't leave without knowing what happened next. Great story thats shaping up to be a favourite of mine:) Can't wait for more.

[Forty-Two]

Read the 10 chapters straight lol. Was tired but I couldn't leave without knowing what happened next. Great story thats shaping up to be a favourite of mine:) Can't wait for more.

 

Awesome, I love making people as tired as me Did you see chapter eleven is up now? It went up seconds after your review.

[Welshdude]

Yea, just read chapter 11, perfect timing:) Brilliant once again. Can't wait for 12, though sad it'll be the last one XD

[Forty-Two]

Yea, just read chapter 11, perfect timing:) Brilliant once again. Can't wait for 12, though sad it'll be the last one XD

 

Awesome, sometimes the universe just works out I know, I'm sad too, but I hate when stories go on long after they obviously should have ended just because the author couldn't let go. I didn't want to add a bunch of stuff that was never intended to be there just for the sake of extending it a few chapters. But, the happy side is, the characters wouldn't get out of my head and gave me two sequels! Huzzah!

[Andrew Q Gordon]

Can't say I understand why 12 will be the last chapter, there seems a bunch of material you dropped in chapter 11 that could do with a lot more play. Now if you feel this is the first of a series then sure it makes sense. But the opposite of too much is to cram too much into too little space. One of the great things about a sci-fi type story is your ability to delving into things with your characters that give them demensions and life while explaining things you want to flesh out [no pun intended.]

 

But I will leave that to you - since you know this best -

 

I liked 11 but as you might guess from my above comments - I found it a bit rushed - there was so much there. Nothing bad, but I found myself wanted to know a bit more about things that were happening.

 

Anyway, nice - looking forward to 12 and perhaps the sequels

 

Andy

[Forty-Two]

Can't say I understand why 12 will be the last chapter, there seems a bunch of material you dropped in chapter 11 that could do with a lot more play. Now if you feel this is the first of a series then sure it makes sense. But the opposite of too much is to cram too much into too little space. One of the great things about a sci-fi type story is your ability to delving into things with your characters that give them demensions and life while explaining things you want to flesh out [no pun intended.]

 

But I will leave that to you - since you know this best -

 

I liked 11 but as you might guess from my above comments - I found it a bit rushed - there was so much there. Nothing bad, but I found myself wanted to know a bit more about things that were happening.

 

Anyway, nice - looking forward to 12 and perhaps the sequels

 

Andy

 

Hmmm.... What specifically did you feel needed to be fleshed out a little more? As I said before, I have no problem going back and editing again if a good argument/reasoning/insight is presented to me. I wonder if the fact that Chapter 11 was longer than the others added to the feeling, there was more information because there was more text, and if you would have felt quite the same way if the chapter had ended earlier, before all the hero stuff is explained? There is a big dump of info in this chapter... I think it resulted as a combination of Kiba filling in all the little details we were missing to Karasu (which is basically me wrapping things up and giving the full details of his motivation) and then dealing with the new situation of Avy's friends and then adding the heroes... never before have there been so many characters passing around so much info in such a tight space.

 

It will be interesting to see how you feel after reading chapter 12... Kiba is a very in-the-moment character and a lot of things (in the whole story) get dismissed simply because he doesn't care about dealing with them. That attitude really shaped these last couple of chapters... I think the whole hero stuff has become a bit of a mislead to readers (unintentionally on my part) because it seems as if a whole new story arc has just been introduced... but Kiba is definitely not the kind of vampire who becomes the Big Bad at the end of the season, if you know what I mean. The whole story has been formed around the emotional relationship between Avy and Kiba and that's pretty much wrapped up...

 

Oh, and we have to remember that this is narrated by Kiba, and therefore more his story than Avy's. The hero stuff is Karasu's story. Any dealings with friends and Max are Avy's story. Much beyond Kiba's current involvement in chapter 11, those things really don't have much to do with him at all.

Edited September 24, 2010 by Forty-Two

[Andrew Q Gordon]

Hmmm.... What specifically did you feel needed to be fleshed out a little more? As I said before, I have no problem going back and editing again if a good argument/reasoning/insight is presented to me. I wonder if the fact that Chapter 11 was longer than the others added to the feeling, there was more information because there was more text, and if you would have felt quite the same way if the chapter had ended earlier, before all the hero stuff is explained? There is a big dump of info in this chapter... I think it resulted as a combination of Kiba filling in all the little details we were missing to Karasu (which is basically me wrapping things up and giving the full details of his motivation) and then dealing with the new situation of Avy's friends and then adding the heroes... never before have there been so many characters passing around so much info in such a tight space.

 

It will be interesting to see how you feel after reading chapter 12... Kiba is a very in-the-moment character and a lot of things (in the whole story) get dismissed simply because he doesn't care about dealing with them. That attitude really shaped these last couple of chapters... I think the whole hero stuff has become a bit of a mislead to readers (unintentionally on my part) because it seems as if a whole new story arc has just been introduced... but Kiba is definitely not the kind of vampire who becomes the Big Bad at the end of the season, if you know what I mean. The whole story has been formed around the emotional relationship between Avy and Kiba and that's pretty much wrapped up...

 

Oh, and we have to remember that this is narrated by Kiba, and therefore more his story than Avy's. The hero stuff is Karasu's story. Any dealings with friends and Max are Avy's story. Much beyond Kiba's current involvement in chapter 11, those things really don't have much to do with him at all.

 

 

Basically you hit on it, the whole Hero thing, with the power of light, Iago, etc. Karasu's arrival and the issues of the fledglings all that the feel that the story is about to get to next phase - as in the emotional dynamic between the two was set, it would be resolved and then the next issue was there to for them to deal with. I can see why this is important to where you want to end things in that it got Kiba to make a decision about Avy - but it was something of a head fake - hence my thinking if this is where the story is going, then this needs more information. However, if what is happening next is we wrap up Kiba and Avy and do not revisit the elements in this chapter my comments can be ignored.

 

Andy

[Forty-Two]

Basically you hit on it, the whole Hero thing, with the power of light, Iago, etc. Karasu's arrival and the issues of the fledglings all that the feel that the story is about to get to next phase - as in the emotional dynamic between the two was set, it would be resolved and then the next issue was there to for them to deal with. I can see why this is important to where you want to end things in that it got Kiba to make a decision about Avy - but it was something of a head fake - hence my thinking if this is where the story is going, then this needs more information. However, if what is happening next is we wrap up Kiba and Avy and do not revisit the elements in this chapter my comments can be ignored.

 

Andy

 

I would never ignore your comments; I think a lot of readers will be feeling the way you are and it's good for me to understand how people are interpreting the story as they go along. I think the direction of the story will become much more clear once you read chapter 12 (since it's the end I sure hope so!). If this were a full length novel I think your expectations would be right on target. We'll just have to wait and see how everyone feels once it's all said and done Thanks again for your helpful input and analysis!

[Forty-Two]

Chapter 12, "Loose Ends," is now up! I finally got to check the little "completed" box! Woo!

[Andrew Q Gordon]

Several things -

 

First, I am sorry its over, hopefully the sequel and what not are still in the planning stage or at least still a possibility.

 

You said before the last few chapters things would take a turn and they did. I like the way it went, it made sense, especially when he said in the beginning of chapter 12 Kiba says the changes in Avy made him less attractive as a companion. I like how you did that - because while it was what Kiba believed to be true when he left Avy in the end it was not true. The dependence on him was not really what Kiba wanted.

 

You tied it up nicely but you should have nixed the very last line - it would have been more interesting if you didn't tell us he and Avy were still together, leave us wondering if they could make it to 13.

 

The only other things I would mentioned and this is really not a bad thing, it just kinda cuts both ways - the tie up information was good but there was too much more I wanted to know. Like I said it is a two edges knife - it helped balance the end, so it was good, but left me wondering more - which I suppose is actually good - leave em wanting more

 

Since it's over I can say thanks, this was a really interesting take on things, I like the balance between the relationship and the vampire tale. It kept me entertained and interested in what happens next.

 

Andy

[Thirdeye]

I enjoyed the story and really liked the characters. I also didn't expect the story to have a happy ending at all.

 

 

The one question I have is if Kiba was the prince and really powerful how come when he met the Old one in the bar he didn't recognize Kiba or his power.

[Forty-Two]

Several things -

 

First, I am sorry its over, hopefully the sequel and what not are still in the planning stage or at least still a possibility.

 

Yes, still in the planning stages, although the general bare-bones of plot have been worked out. I started to write the short spin-off a week or so ago and haven't really gotten it to go anywhere. We shall see how it goes. I've been hesitant to start writing down the first sequel because I'm afraid it will take over my life and I just can't afford that right now.

 

You said before the last few chapters things would take a turn and they did. I like the way it went, it made sense, especially when he said in the beginning of chapter 12 Kiba says the changes in Avy made him less attractive as a companion. I like how you did that - because while it was what Kiba believed to be true when he left Avy in the end it was not true. The dependence on him was not really what Kiba wanted.

 

So glad you think it all makes sense. It is hard to shift characters off their path and have it all be acceptable.

 

You tied it up nicely but you should have nixed the very last line - it would have been more interesting if you didn't tell us he and Avy were still together, leave us wondering if they could make it to 13.

 

But... but.... the last line is my favourite! When I wrote it I hadn't planned any sequels, so I suppose it has a little more final impact than is needed, but still.... Sorry, love it too much to change it

 

The only other things I would mentioned and this is really not a bad thing, it just kinda cuts both ways - the tie up information was good but there was too much more I wanted to know. Like I said it is a two edges knife - it helped balance the end, so it was good, but left me wondering more - which I suppose is actually good - leave em wanting more

 

I take it you mean you want to know more about the big gap in time between Kiba leaving Avy and them getting back together? What were they doing? How are they going to avoid the same problems they had before now that they're back together? When my mind wanders to those questions I get sequels...

 

Since it's over I can say thanks, this was a really interesting take on things, I like the balance between the relationship and the vampire tale. It kept me entertained and interested in what happens next.

 

Andy

 

You're welcome... I really had a fun time writing this story and am glad I finally decided to post it. I'm just glad I got to share and discuss it with such insightful people. Thanks a lot!

 

 

I enjoyed the story and really liked the characters. I also didn't expect the story to have a happy ending at all.

 

The one question I have is if Kiba was the prince and really powerful how come when he met the Old one in the bar he didn't recognize Kiba or his power.

 

Thanks man! I'm glad I gave you a little of the unexpected. The overall tone of the story really did kind of feel like a bitter ending was coming, didn't it? Well, I think the reason why Kiba would be telling this story is he finally got to have a happy ending after all his bad breakups. Why shouldn't the evil guys get to be happy once in a while?

 

Ah, my intention was to show that the Frenchman did recognize Kiba - he bows to Kiba to show his respect for Kiba and his power and kisses Kiba's ring (the symbol of who Kiba is), and he uses one of Kiba's many, many titles, just one readers haven't heard. At this point readers are supposed to see that Kiba has higher status that the Frenchman, and later when they think back on it they see why. Perhaps this doesn't come across as clearly as I intended?

[Forty-Two]

Surprise!

 

I have posted the short story Beguiled which follows Corrupted in what I have now decided to call the Eternal universe. After attempting the short story I had planned and having it go nowhere fast, I thought more about Avy and his journey between when Kiba leaves and when they meet again and the details just kept pouring out...

 

A big challenge I had with this was finding Avy's voice. Kiba narrates in a somewhat formal way and Avy speaks much more casually and young, and after writing from Kiba's perspective it was hard to write this differently. Kiba's voice is much closer to my personal third person narration style too, especially with regards to word choice in the sexy bits, so that made writing his perspective easier. So hopefully there is enough of a difference in tone between Beguiled and Corrupted. If not, please be critical, because the Corrupted sequel is all in Avy's perspective as well and I need to be aware of what works and what doesn't!

[Andrew Q Gordon]

Surprise!

 

I have posted the short story Beguiled which follows Corrupted in what I have now decided to call the Eternal universe. After attempting the short story I had planned and having it go nowhere fast, I thought more about Avy and his journey between when Kiba leaves and when they meet again and the details just kept pouring out...

 

A big challenge I had with this was finding Avy's voice. Kiba narrates in a somewhat formal way and Avy speaks much more casually and young, and after writing from Kiba's perspective it was hard to write this differently. Kiba's voice is much closer to my personal third person narration style too, especially with regards to word choice in the sexy bits, so that made writing his perspective easier. So hopefully there is enough of a difference in tone between Beguiled and Corrupted. If not, please be critical, because the Corrupted sequel is all in Avy's perspective as well and I need to be aware of what works and what doesn't!

 

I think you found Avy's voice quite well. His voice lacked the detached amusement of Kiba who had seen it all done it all, was afraid of nothing. Avy's voice captured his tense, serious nature, his lust, his fears. This is the Avy Kiba described when he first saw him. That he has reverted to his old thrill seeking ways is in keeping with what you left us with at the end of corrupted.

 

Can I offer one - suggestion. At the end you sum up everything with Avy sitting in his bedroom. Is there a better way to deal with this other than just going back and 'thinking' about what happened? I say this because while he might sit there and have regrets, it is unlikely he will go back and review the details you went into. Maybe instead of telling us the employee wanted to bar code him for the ring, have Avy say that to the body before it drops, almost apologizing, saying something like, 'You were too strong in your element, this was the only way I had the upper hand'

 

Maybe have Cass's cell phone or whatever Etian used to text him, fall before he dies and Avy picks it up and there is a message he reads about 'when are you bringing him to the pit' - or 'should I spread the word he is going to be fighting tonight.' That could prompt him to reflect on the fight club.

 

The idea that he will sit there and reflect on all the details helps us, helps us a lot really, but it is not what someone would do. Avy would surely reflect on Kiba, but the other details? Well not without a prompt. Either way it works. I had zero clue what Cassius had in mind when reading this. I expected him to be similar to Kiba, wanting Avy as his pet [ Kiba wanted more than a pet, which is why I said similar]. When he kills Cass was I a bit taken back. After how much he enjoyed him, that was NOT what I expected. I mean I caught the hints, the guard's sign to Etian, his keen eye assessing the fighters in the fight pit, etc, I just thought Cass was excited because Avy would be a huge prize, not a huge draw to excite the crowds. So kudos on that.

 

I can see why you would want to shrink this down to a much smaller flash back, but am glad you posted it as a short story. You should have saved it for the fall anthology, it was perfect for the haunted theme.

 

Andy

[Forty-Two]

I think you found Avy's voice quite well. His voice lacked the detached amusement of Kiba who had seen it all done it all, was afraid of nothing. Avy's voice captured his tense, serious nature, his lust, his fears. This is the Avy Kiba described when he first saw him. That he has reverted to his old thrill seeking ways is in keeping with what you left us with at the end of corrupted.

 

Can I offer one - suggestion. At the end you sum up everything with Avy sitting in his bedroom. Is there a better way to deal with this other than just going back and 'thinking' about what happened? I say this because while he might sit there and have regrets, it is unlikely he will go back and review the details you went into. Maybe instead of telling us the employee wanted to bar code him for the ring, have Avy say that to the body before it drops, almost apologizing, saying something like, 'You were too strong in your element, this was the only way I had the upper hand'

 

Maybe have Cass's cell phone or whatever Etian used to text him, fall before he dies and Avy picks it up and there is a message he reads about 'when are you bringing him to the pit' - or 'should I spread the word he is going to be fighting tonight.' That could prompt him to reflect on the fight club.

 

The idea that he will sit there and reflect on all the details helps us, helps us a lot really, but it is not what someone would do. Avy would surely reflect on Kiba, but the other details? Well not without a prompt. Either way it works. I had zero clue what Cassius had in mind when reading this. I expected him to be similar to Kiba, wanting Avy as his pet [ Kiba wanted more than a pet, which is why I said similar]. When he kills Cass was I a bit taken back. After how much he enjoyed him, that was NOT what I expected. I mean I caught the hints, the guard's sign to Etian, his keen eye assessing the fighters in the fight pit, etc, I just thought Cass was excited because Avy would be a huge prize, not a huge draw to excite the crowds. So kudos on that.

 

I can see why you would want to shrink this down to a much smaller flash back, but am glad you posted it as a short story. You should have saved it for the fall anthology, it was perfect for the haunted theme.

 

Andy

 

Hey Andy!

 

Wow, you are so totally right, about everything! I'm definitely going to take you suggestions and go over the ending again. I did feel that there was a lot of explanation at the end but, as you say, it's necessary for readers to understand Avy's actions but not quite natural for Avy and I really had no idea how to make it better. That's what happens when you post stuff without getting a beta reader to go over it first Thanks for the great insight!

 

I'm glad Cassius' plans surprised you. That was definitely the purposeful mislead, to have the readers feel Cassius is looking for the same things Kiba was and Avy is falling for it head over heels. But where would the fun be in simply repeating the past?

 

Ah yes, I really need to pay more attention to the anthology stuff. What's the deadline? I actually have the outline for a story titled Haunted that takes place on Halloween all ready to be written, so maybe if there's time...

 

Thanks again for all your wonderful comments!

[Forty-Two]

So I have updated Beguiled with edits to the ending based on Andy's comments. See, I really will make changes if flaws are pointed out! It's still the same plot, but a little less exposition-y and Avy shows a little more anger towards Cass.

[AnytaSunday]

Hey Forty-Two!

 

Just wanted to let you know that I started reading this story last night. Jeez you have a way of hooking the reader! I'm surprised I didn't stumble across this sooner. I hope to get the chance to read this properly over the weekend. Well, I'm looking forward to it.

[AnytaSunday]

Okay, so what are you on about?!!! (Up to chapter seven, at the moment)

 

To me the chapters only get more interesting as the story progresses. I mean, the action in the first is great, but you maintain a nice wit through the proceeding ones and I like Kiba--love the way he sees the world. hehehe, I'm having such fun.

 

The writing style is super easy to read, too (funny that it takes such hard work to read so easy, huh?)

 

I feel spoiled at having all the chapters of the story available and no waiting time, hehe.