Corrupted by Forty-Two

[Forty-Two]

Hello all!

 

I would like to start a discussion about my vampire fantasy story Corrupted. You can find the first five chapters here. The story will be twelve chapters in total. For those who are hearing of it for the first time, I've included a summary at the end of this post.

 

Please feel free to give me your constructive criticisms here. Also feel free to ask me (or any of my characters) questions. Any kind of comments are welcome. I've started this discussion to try and increase feedback from my readers and to try and build my audience. Any suggestions on how to increase readership and feedback would be greatly appreciated.

 

*EDIT: Since I have now worked with betas and am going to post the whole thing, the following is less relevant. If you are a first time visitor, skipping about half way down the thread will get you to the newer comments and questions, although if you want to comment on the following, please feel free!*

 

I have been and still am very hesitant about posting this story. I think it contains some of my strongest elements (ex. well built characters) as well as some of my weakest (ex. a lack of narrative tension). As I have said in my chapter comments, I feel the first chapter is very strong but the story gets weaker and less interesting as it goes. Each individual chapter seems to start out strong but then fizzles flat at the end. Does it feel like this to anyone else? Also, the style of the story is to leave out a lot of detail, as the narrating character is a very "live in the moment, don't worry about the past or future" kind of guy. I wonder if there are possibly TOO many questions left unanswered or too many details left out, or is skimming the surface enough for most readers? I realize some of these questions may be hard to answer while the story is incomplete, but I will try to keep the discussion and questions going as I post more chapters.

 

Thanks in advance!

 

Summary for Corrupted:

At least once a century Kiba becomes disinterested with the world and goes searching for something or someone to alleviate his boredom. When he stumbles across a teenage boy who not only knows about vampires but bargains with them for sexual favours before hunting them, Kiba becomes excited to study the boy and plans to manipulate him fully onto the side of the eternal darkness.

Edited September 15, 2010 by Forty-Two

[Forty-Two]

Chapter six, "Stoked", is now posted and you can find it here.

[Nephylim]

I think you have confidence issues I love this story. You keep saying that you don't think the succeeding chapters live up to the promise of the first and then just keep getting better. I was breathless in the last chapter and I am totaly thirsty for more.

 

Both Kiba and to an even greater extent Avy are very well defined and complex characters. Your writing is fluid and exciting and you fill your work with enought energy and tension to run a generator.

 

I particularly liked the idea of Avy being drugged with blood. That is kind of what it feels like for a while. He was so funny when he was high. We saw a completely different side of him, so playful, but the damaged little boy was still in there. It was a very interesting and novel way of developing the flaws and highlighting the damage he tries so hard to cover up when he's 'straight'. It also explains some of the seemingly erratic ways he acts sometimes.

 

You've built up a whole world that exists alongside ours with its own rules and regulations. So far I have found Kiba's world interesting and I so associate with the nostalgia when Kiba says that the new vampires just don't have the respect any more and aren't being taught the 'old ways' isn't this the way our world is going anyway.

 

You have the ability to make the fantasic to seem mundane and the mundane fantastic. I love Avy's 'diary' and also the fondess that Kiba felt in reading it.

 

I think that you need a shot of confidence to continue posting and finish this story.

[Forty-Two]

Hey Nephylim, thanks for indulging me here:2thumbs:

 

Usually I am a very confident author... I think the difference between this and my other stories is that I really actually CARE about this one, whereas the others I am fond of but don't care that as much how they are digested by the general readership. I've told you before that I am very protective of my vampire fiction, and I think that over-proctectiveness is really coming out. I want so badly for it to be perfect, and I like it so much that I'm very hesitant about letting the world see it, if that makes any sense. And then when I don't get a whole lot of feedback all I can do is wonder where I went wrong...

 

Anyway, thanks for your comments. I will just have to suck it up and believe you when you say the later chapters are living up to the first one.

 

I'm glad you think Kiba and Avy are well defined and complex characters. They really grew and expanded from their original roots. I don't want to embarrass or diminish them by admitting where they originally came from, but I'm so glad they ended up where they are. Again, there's a lot of mystery to both their backgrounds, and as the story progresses I hope people aren't disappointed when the characters' every minute details are not divulged.

 

Avy was fun to write high. It was pretty much the only way to make him happy and hyper for once, and very useful to have all his emotions easily readable at the surface. It was a very telling chapter for Kiba too, as letting a human bite him - especially before he's even tasted Avy's blood - isn't something that any vampire is likely to do.

 

Kiba's world is very much put together according to my own social commentary on the popularity of vampires nowadays. It frustrates the hell out of me that because of Twilight, Vampire Diaries, and a host of teenagery love/angst vampire stories that I hesitate to tell people that I am into vampires, since I know they will form the totally wrong opinion. Yes, vampires will always be a good way to explore themes of teenage growth such as feeling like an outcast, discovering sexuality, and the fear of aging. But in GOOD fiction, in my opinion, vampires should be at least somewhat evil and they should kill people. Their roots are in villainy, plain and simple. I'm all for vampire protagonists, but It should be hard to make a vampire the "hero" of a story. There should be no gimmicks such as sparkling, magic rings, or suntan lotion to "get past" that whole "pesky can't go into the daylight thing". A one or two hundred year old vampire is NOT that old. No person, vampire or not, who is over thirty years old would ever want to repeatedly pretend to be a high school student. Gah, I could rant for a very long time on the subject...

 

Anyway, thanks for being so invested in Corrupted and thanks for giving me a shot of confidence. You are awesome.

[Nephylim]

I wholly agree with regard to fictional vampires... real ones are a whole different story but that't not for here. I agree that a story should not reveal themselves in minutiae. Everthing needs some sense of mystery and the things left to imagination are sometimes the most powerful.

 

I TOTALLY agree that there is no way a 100 year old vampire would spend their time pretending to be a high school student. They could just as easily have got a job... like the doctor did. I just don't 'get' a 100 year old man acting like an immature teen. meh.

 

As far as Avy and Kiba are concerned I think it's the very fact that neither of them are predictable and act as per steryotype is what makes them so intersting.

 

 

[Forty-Two]

Just to let people know I have posted a cover image for Corrupted here.

 

 

 

Also I am working with a couple beta readers now so I hope to continue posting the rest of the story in due time

[Nephylim]

Beautiful.

[Forty-Two]

Beautiful.

 

Well, not quite, but thanks. I always say I'd be a better artist if I practiced, so, here's me practicing

[Thirdeye]

I just read all 6 chapters of this and it is an amazing story. It is unique and for a vampire story now a days that is very hard to do.

 

 

I really enjoyed it and hope you come back to it soon

[Forty-Two]

I just read all 6 chapters of this and it is an amazing story. It is unique and for a vampire story now a days that is very hard to do.

 

 

I really enjoyed it and hope you come back to it soon

 

Oh my God, people other than me and Nephy actually look at this forum! Hurray!!!

 

Thanks, man! It frustrates me that vampire fic is so popular nowadays because it makes it hard to be original, to get people to take it seriously, and to get hard core vamp fans to not dismiss it thinking, "No doubt I've read it before." It's taken a while to get back to editing it, but I've actually been working on it a bit over the last couple of nights and hope to start posting again in the all-encompassing lack-of-specific-detail "soon" time frame. I hope you keep reading when the rest goes up! Keep your eye out as I will post here when it does.

[Thirdeye]

Well in the mean time I have started reading Closer to myself and after the first chapter I am pretty hooked. So far I find you to be a wonderful storyteller, and you avoid a lot of the little things that turn me off to some stories(I get annoyed easily =p). You also do a very good job with character development.

 

You do a great job in Corrupted of making Avy tough but at the same time broken and a teenager. And Kiba a heartless badass well with a heart. Its enjoyable

[Forty-Two]

Well in the mean time I have started reading Closer to myself and after the first chapter I am pretty hooked. So far I find you to be a wonderful storyteller, and you avoid a lot of the little things that turn me off to some stories(I get annoyed easily =p). You also do a very good job with character development.

 

You do a great job in Corrupted of making Avy tough but at the same time broken and a teenager. And Kiba a heartless badass well with a heart. Its enjoyable

 

Awesome! If you have any more thoughts on Closer to Myself, even if they are "I got sick of it and stopped reading," please send them my way! Feel free to PM me anytime If we really get into it, maybe I can go over my outlines for a parallel time-frame sequel to Closer to Myself, which follows Chase for that same whole summer.

 

I love your descriptions of Avy and Kiba! One thing I really have a hard time with is summarizing, stories, characters, plotlines, everything, and calling them "tough but broken" and "heartless badass - with a heart" respectively is a great way to describe them to people thinking about reading the story.

[Thirdeye]

Awesome! If you have any more thoughts on Closer to Myself, even if they are "I got sick of it and stopped reading," please send them my way! Feel free to PM me anytime If we really get into it, maybe I can go over my outlines for a parallel time-frame sequel to Closer to Myself, which follows Chase for that same whole summer.

 

I love your descriptions of Avy and Kiba! One thing I really have a hard time with is summarizing, stories, characters, plotlines, everything, and calling them "tough but broken" and "heartless badass - with a heart" respectively is a great way to describe them to people thinking about reading the story.

 

 

 

LOL I finished Closer to Myself in a day. I liked it a lot. Again liked the characters and how they felt real. I loved the fact that he wouldn't say I love you just to make things better, and that a week of vacation didn't necessary completely change his life.

 

 

Yeah sometimes its hard to not be cliche when reviewing stories, I'm not exactly great at it. I just know what I like and I enjory you style of story telling

[Forty-Two]

LOL I finished Closer to Myself in a day. I liked it a lot. Again liked the characters and how they felt real. I loved the fact that he wouldn't say I love you just to make things better, and that a week of vacation didn't necessary completely change his life.

 

 

Yeah sometimes its hard to not be cliche when reviewing stories, I'm not exactly great at it. I just know what I like and I enjory you style of story telling

 

Thanks! You are too awesome!

[Forty-Two]

Hey, guess what? Chapter seven, "Patterns," has now been posted here! Yay!

 

I threw out some random questions at the end of the chapter to try and get some discussion going. I'm willing to chat about ANYTHING to do with this story, so what do you like? What do you hate? What makes you keep reading? Any questions about the story or for the characters? Any inputs for edits or hopeful outcomes? Any flaws in plot or character development/consistency? Let me know!

[Douw]

YAY! I just read it it was grate bro i loved it;~}<br><br>The last part of the story was the sweetest by far for me it seems Kiba is falling in love hehe <img src="https://www.gayauthors.org/forums/public/style_emoticons/default/wub.gif"><br><br><br>

Edited September 10, 2010 by Douw

[Forty-Two]

I just realized I forgot to thank Douw for visiting the thread, so I'm editing it in now. Sorry 'bout that, mate!

 

YAY! I just read it it was grate bro i loved it;~}<br><br>The last part of the story was the sweetest by far for me it seems Kiba is falling in love hehe <img src="https://www.gayauthors.org/forums/public/style_emoticons/default/wub.gif"><br><br><br>

 

Is Kiba falling in love? Introducing blood into the mix after the slowly building sexual relationship... maybe he just can't deny the lust any longer? But if Kiba does fall in love, how is that going to skew his plans?

[Thirdeye]

Here is why the title of this story is great.

 

You read the first chapter and you think, duh the evil vampire is going to corrupt the stupid naive human boy, but now to me atleast it is pretty obvious that kiba may be the being corrupted and that Avy is neither stupid or innocent.

 

I'd also like to know how Avy knows about or learned about vampires in the first place. At first I thought it was going to be that a vampire killed someone he knew or hurt him, but now I think maybe Avy is using Kiba in away to become a vampire so he can punish however hurt him

[Forty-Two]

Thanks for visiting again Thirdeye!

 

Here is why the title of this story is great.

 

You read the first chapter and you think, duh the evil vampire is going to corrupt the stupid naive human boy, but now to me atleast it is pretty obvious that kiba may be the being corrupted and that Avy is neither stupid or innocent.

I actually had a lot of trouble coming up with the title (I almost always do) and the same with the chapter titles which is why I usually just number them, but this story seemed to beg for actual chapter titles. Who exactly is going to be/is getting corrupted is something that works on more levels than I originally anticipated. Is it Kiba? Avy? The reader perhaps?

 

I'd also like to know how Avy knows about or learned about vampires in the first place. At first I thought it was going to be that a vampire killed someone he knew or hurt him, but now I think maybe Avy is using Kiba in away to become a vampire so he can punish however hurt him

Here goes me pretending to be a person who doesn't know all the answers: Either scenario seems possible. Maybe we don't know purposely so it makes Avy's intentions harder to guess, and maybe we will find out eventually. If Avy's severe anger and hate that he shows when hunting vampires is actually directed towards them, I wonder if those feelings would allow him to get turned, or would he feel too much self-revulsion at the idea of becoming what he hates to go through with it? And seeing as multiple people have hurt him, who would he seek revenge on first?

 

I hope someone else does respond to this topic, as it is an interesting one to speculate on. I would like to hear everyone's theories and their evidence for them.

[Forty-Two]

Chapter 8, "Blood and Sex," is now posted here. Ta-da!

 

Something I've been wondering: What do people think of the quote in the story notes and how it applies to the story (or all vampire stories)? In case you've missed it I've pasted it below.

 

"I wanted love and goodness in this which is living death. ... It was impossible from the beginning, because you cannot have love and goodness when you do what you know to be evil, what you know to be wrong. You can only have the desperate confusion and longing and the chasing of phantom goodness in its human form. ... And yet I would not accept it, could not accept it, because like all creatures I don't wish to die!" -- Interview with the Vampire, Anne Rice

[Andrew Q Gordon]

I know you asked for constructive criticism but I am not sure I have much that could advance or improve your story. It is pretty brilliant and well done.

 

I like the progression of Avy from where he started to where he is now. Broken but able to hide it, but still needy and now he has found someone who will care for him. It is sweet in a morbid kind of way. You do a good job of feeding us details little by little, enough to make us understand without flooding us. That balance is hard but you are doing it well.

 

I have to say I didn't read this with a critical eye - that is what beta readers and editors are for honestly - so I can only give you general observations. Also I suspect much of what I would say is going to be dealt with in future chapters.

 

Some things I thought while reading that might interest you:

 

1) Sound - are they so silent that mom and dad never hear them? It seems like Avy got a little loud more than once while being 'taken.' If they are not silent, why don't mom and dad come check? I realize you don't want them to check, but it seems like they would - even thought the parents tossed Avy down there.

 

2) School - the cutting class followed by the total stoppage would have to prompt a call or ten from the school. No big deal EXCEPT then it would seem logical that mom or dad would venture down to see whether junior was still sleeping and bingo - there he is sleeping with another man - that is another area where what you need might not fit with reality.

 

3) Along the same lines - Friends. If he and Mikki [and others we don't know] were so close for so long, his disappearance would have to prompt an investigation, call whatever. Here again, her arrival at chateau Topher and Kiba would result in a discovery of the two love birds sound asleep on the futon.

 

None of these issues are more than mild distractions. The strength of your work is the interaction between the two, delving into Kiba's plan, how that gets shifted from one of planned dominance to a realization his 'plan' isn't running according to plan, to genuine affection for Avy. THAT has been handled very well. The others are small issues but since you asked, those were the ideas that came to me.

 

Hopefully you realize I am am a fan of your work and only offer these comments as an outside reading who wondered about this.

 

Looking forward to the next chapter.

 

Andy

[Forty-Two]

Hey Andy! Thanks for stopping by! I love that you've taken the time to write out so many well articulated thoughts! Thank you so much! Your compliments are wonderful and I'm really glad that you are enjoying following Avy and Kiba.

 

1) Sound - are they so silent that mom and dad never hear them? It seems like Avy got a little loud more than once while being 'taken.' If they are not silent, why don't mom and dad come check? I realize you don't want them to check, but it seems like they would - even thought the parents tossed Avy down there.

It's not stated explicitly, but Avy's parents pretty much never go in the basement. The door is a mental block for them just as much as a physical block, they don't want to know nor do they care what happens beyond it. Sure they hear stuff (if they're not passed out drunk by the time it happens) but they dismiss it the same way they dismiss Avy in general (out of sight, out of mind) and would probably just turn the TV up louder. In "Stoked" Kiba narrates, "Avy cried out more often than a woman giving birth, yet neither of his parents on the floor above us seemed to give any notice." That was pretty much my way of pointing out that they just ignore everything Avy does, but perhaps readers need a little more than this.

It's sometimes hard to decide how much of this type of info to reveal. There are a few elements that are, as you say, only minor points, and often Kiba doesn't care as long as things are going his way, so he doesn't speculate or dwell on them. But this ends up meaning that readers don't know about them.

 

 

2) School - the cutting class followed by the total stoppage would have to prompt a call or ten from the school. No big deal EXCEPT then it would seem logical that mom or dad would venture down to see whether junior was still sleeping and bingo - there he is sleeping with another man - that is another area where what you need might not fit with reality.

Umm... Let's just wait until "Houses Fall" is posted to answer that one....

 

3) Along the same lines - Friends. If he and Mikki [and others we don't know] were so close for so long, his disappearance would have to prompt an investigation, call whatever. Here again, her arrival at chateau Topher and Kiba would result in a discovery of the two love birds sound asleep on the futon.

This is a similar issue as #1 where since the story is told from Kiba's point of view, this kind of stuff is glossed over because as long as the friends don't come to the basement, Kiba doesn't care and doesn't talk about it. In "Patterns" there's a paragraph where Kiba talks about Avy becoming distanced from his friends and how Kiba encourages the loss of those friendships. I thought that this was enough to show that Avy doesn't really call/talk to them anymore and therefore they've given up on calling him, but perhaps again readers need a little bit more.

As for Mikki or someone else walking in on them... something that was never said that maybe should be tucked in somewhere is that Avy never has friends over to his house. They always meet at the not-a-bar because hey, it's what all the cool kids do, and because Avy would be way too embarrassed and have too much to hide. Admitting to everyone that he sleeps in an unfinished basement would give them too much reason to sympathize with him or look down on him and would really ruin their image of him as just being a normal teenager. Avy would never risk having his friends see how his parents treat him. And how would he explain his stakes and knives and other vampire hunting paraphernalia? So no one comes over because they never did before... and I guess I'm taking a little artistic license to say that for whatever reason no one was compelled enough when Avy dropped off the map to go looking for him

(And maybe something will happen to prompt renewed effort from his friends....)

 

None of these issues are more than mild distractions. The strength of your work is the interaction between the two, delving into Kiba's plan, how that gets shifted from one of planned dominance to a realization his 'plan' isn't running according to plan, to genuine affection for Avy. THAT has been handled very well. The others are small issues but since you asked, those were the ideas that came to me.

 

Hopefully you realize I am am a fan of your work and only offer these comments as an outside reading who wondered about this.

 

Looking forward to the next chapter.

 

Andy

I love getting constructive criticism. It really is the only way to learn. And I'm happy to have the small issues pointed out. The small things are after all what makes the difference between an A minus and an A plus, if you will, and I strive to write as strongly as possible. I'm also not opposed to going back and making changes after something is posted or making changes to what has not been posted yet based on feedback from readers If enough people say the same thing you might just get what you want

 

Thanks again for your compliments and your keen eye! Hope to hear from you again

[Forty-Two]

Chapter 9, "Houses Fall," can now be found here. Yay!

[Thirdeye]

Fantastic as always. You really have become one of my favorite authors on here

[Forty-Two]

Fantastic as always. You really have become one of my favorite authors on here

 

I think that about sums up my feelings Thank you so much. I hope I won't ever disappoint!