when-your-parents-are-horrible-life?

[hh5]

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when-your-parents-are-horrible-life

 

Excerpt

 

Unfortunately, involvement with these kinds of parents is traumatic, especially when we are children. Research shows that prolonged childhood trauma can be toxic to the brain, e.g., prolonged stress can kill cells in the hippocampus, a brain area critical for memory. Having horrible parents may be harmful to our brain, not just hurt our feelings.

[jon-jon]

After parsing your statement, I have to point out that the article to which you refer is one addressing adults trying to maintain or separate from a relationship with their abusive parents. Yes, our society fails to provide safeguards for minors in need of respite from abusive parents, but that isn't the point here. The point here, and I agree, is that adults trying to deal with their abusive parents should not avoid a solution. Talking to friends or professionals, seeking help with the problem is the preferred solution.

 

To imply that all therapists are 'in it only for the money' is an unfair generalization. Just as it is unfair to imply that all medical services are 'out to milk the sick of all they have'. There are both good and bad therapists and medical services out there. One just has to find the one that is right for you.

 

As for the effects of harmful parents on the brain, the article does go on to say that much of the damage can be undone and recommends seeking help.

[hh5]

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[Matthew k]

I don't get it. The article has nothing to do with what you are talking about.

 

All the health care professionals I know do what they do and spent the long hours getting there because they love what they do.

 

There are cheats and scoundrels, but they are the rare exception not the rule as you suggest.

 

People do need to get help and especially from professionals and especially in the mental health area where not enough people seek help for fear of being stigmatized.

[Former Member]

I don't get it. The article has nothing to do with what you are talking about.

 

All the health care professionals I know do what they do and spent the long hours getting there because they love what they do.

 

There are cheats and scoundrels, but they are the rare exception not the rule as you suggest.

 

People do need to get help and especially from professionals and especially in the mental health area where not enough people seek help for fear of being stigmatized.

 

I was going to say, but you echoed my thoughts.

 

I would add, for those who are just in it for the money, there are many less demanding careers in psychology which would more ably compensate them, or others in the medical profession for that matter and they would make infinitely more than what many therapists do.

 

The stigmata against seeking help with professionals can severely hamper and erode quality of life, and further exacerbate already long troubled or abusive situations. Even if, such as my own case in past, the parent refuses to get help, the others (my mother and older sister) did. We never murdered him, but we learned to deal better with our own emotions regarding his behaviour.

 

And btw, everything is imperfect. There is nothing and no one who can totally fix everything. At some point you have to let it go and not allow yourself to LET that person continue to ruin your life. Therapy can certainly help anyone reach that goal.

[Tipdin]

This is a subject I know a bit about, much of it from experience, sadly.

 

Child abuse, or more specifically ignoring a child, depending upon the severity, can indeed damage parts of the brain, killing potential and severely hampering any sort of 'catch-up development.'

 

Abuse, in some ways, may be worse than being ignored. Being ignored, one becomes numb, the brain actually stops developing. Being abused, the brain develops coping mechanisms, and one is often cognizant of one's own plight, and will live life with the damaging effects of abuse.

 

Specifics are important. Damage is generally proportionate to the abuse.

 

I know many, many, MANY healthcare professionals that can only be described as angels sent form Heaven. They are amazingly kind and generous, doing everything they can to help minimize the damage.

 

Yes, there are exceptions. Plenty of them. Thankfully, in my life, the exception was not the norm.

 

With help, I eventually was able to escape from my parents. I tried a few times as an adult to re-incorporate them into my life but they just couldn't recognize their own abusive behavior.

 

I'm in my fifties now, and to this day I cherish people that treat me well. I will not walk, but RUN from people that make me feel "at home."

[Benji]

This is a subject I know a bit about, much of it from experience, sadly.

 

Child abuse, or more specifically ignoring a child, depending upon the severity, can indeed damage parts of the brain, killing potential and severely hampering any sort of 'catch-up development.'

 

Abuse, in some ways, may be worse than being ignored. Being ignored, one becomes numb, the brain actually stops developing. Being abused, the brain develops coping mechanisms, and one is often cognizant of one's own plight, and will live life with the damaging effects of abuse.

 

Specifics are important. Damage is generally proportionate to the abuse.

 

I know many, many, MANY healthcare professionals that can only be described as angels sent form Heaven. They are amazingly kind and generous, doing everything they can to help minimize the damage.

 

Yes, there are exceptions. Plenty of them. Thankfully, in my life, the exception was not the norm.

 

With help, I eventually was able to escape from my parents. I tried a few times as an adult to re-incorporate them into my life but they just couldn't recognize their own abusive behavior.

 

I'm in my fifties now, and to this day I cherish people that treat me well. I will not walk, but RUN from people that make me feel "at home."

 

........ I too had an abusive home, but only by the step-dad! I'm curious though without seeking personal information, did any of those therapist clue you in to why you're parents were being ignorant to you're existence?

[JamesSavik]

Living in the south I've seen my share of this. The churches changed their stance on divorce and many issues but still preached about the evils of the homosexual like we were responsible for everything thay went wrong.

 

I got outed at 13 and had my ass kicked by my Dad who was told in a blunt way that his kid was a faggot and keep him away from decent kids. His volcanic temper erupted on me.

 

They made it clear that I was either queer and homeless or what they expected me to be.

 

That simply drove me into the closet when it came to my parents. They refused to have or acknowledge anything to do with that part of my life.

 

Growing up I saw all sorts of garbage: kids disowned, suicides or being sent away to live with relatives. It seemed that the only adults who were cool were looking to get in your pants.

 

Another big problem that grew out of this was substance abuse. Drug and alcohol abuse was a rite of passage for my generation.

 

This is the generation that stumbled into the buzz saw of AIDS and there are damned few of us left. We were sitting ducks for it.

[Benji]

Living in the south I've seen my share of this. The churches changed their stance on divorce and many issues but still preached about the evils of the homosexual like we were responsible for everything thay went wrong.

 

I got outed at 13 and had my ass kicked by my Dad who was told in a blunt way that his kid was a faggot and keep him away from decent kids. His volcanic temper erupted on me.

 

They made it clear that I was either queer and homeless or what they expected me to be.

 

That simply drove me into the closet when it came to my parents. They refused to have or acknowledge anything to do with that part of my life.

 

Growing up I saw all sorts of garbage: kids disowned, suicides or being sent away to live with relatives. It seemed that the only adults who were cool were looking to get in your pants.

 

Another big problem that grew out of this was substance abuse. Drug and alcohol abuse was a rite of passage for my generation.

 

This is the generation that stumbled into the buzz saw of AIDS and there are damned few of us left. We were sitting ducks for it.

 

...How f**king true!! (sorry, but honesty is honesty here) The prevalence to kick your kid out of the home, and him/her turning to drugs and prostitution to survive until suicide, was very high back those days. Little wonder most of us didn't come out.

[Tipdin]

........ I too had an abusive home, but only by the step-dad! I'm curious though without seeking personal information, did any of those therapist clue you in to why you're parents were being ignorant to you're existence?

Yes, actually they did help with that. Part of the reason I thought I would try to bring my folks back into my life was because I understood that THEIR upbringing was terribly flawed. I guess they were too set in their ways to change though.

 

My abuse was much more emotional and verbal than physical. Perhaps that's why WORDS are so important to me now. My parents used to ignore me for long periods of time. I had a brother that died mysteriously when I was three and from then on my folks were very withdrawn and things went consistently down hill as I got older.

 

Though I had very little meaningful contact with other people, I was a good student. Maybe BECAUSE of that I was a good student. In any regard, I graduated early from high school; I was just barely fifteen. The last day of school, I got off the school bus, went home, stuffed a pillowcase with some clothes and walked away. About ten years later, I tried to commit suicide and spent a week in a coma. I was homeless so I thought I would try to go back to my folk's house but they had moved...

 

If not for the help I received from some therapists at the local gay community service center, I would not be alive today. A therapist there broke all the rules and let me move into his house, fed me, clothed me, and even gave me spending money. We found my parents and during a family counseling session the therapist asked if I could come home for a while, and my mother immediately shot back that if she had her way, she'd never see me again. My dad never said a single word throughout the session. Not one single sound.

 

My dad called me a couple of times after that (at the therapist's house) to ask for money...

 

I didn't have a dime - but you can bet that eventually, when I bought my 35-room Victorian mansion on Lake of the Isles, in Minneapolis, I invited them to the house warming! I flaunted my money and success in their face. It was a hollow victory - they could not have cared less. They hated the house and all the antiques that I had restored or bought.

 

I'm going on 60 years old and even now, I broke into a seat just typing that. Some things stay with us, as fresh as the day they first took place. Absolutely ridiculous that I am STILL reacting after all these years. I guess some scars are too deep to ever completely go away.

 

There are many types of abuse. Mine was a gentle abuse, but effective, nonetheless.

 

I think my background is the reason that I make sure that every time I see my friends, I give them a hug, and often a kiss, whenever I say hello or goodbye. Even the straight men - they've gotten used to it! Sometimes I still crave physical touch. It's as important as food.

[Cia]

I'm going on 60 years old and even now, I broke into a seat just typing that. Some things stay with us, as fresh as the day they first took place. Absolutely ridiculous that I am STILL reacting after all these years. I guess some scars are too deep to ever completely go away.

I've unfortunately run the gamut of abuses children can face, abandonment, physical, emotional, sexual. It's not ever something you just 'get over', so no, it's not absolutely ridiculous that it would still be affecting you Tipdin.

 

Unfortunately and fortunately the experiences I was faced with as a child made me into the person I am today. Would I love to go back in time to protect the child me from the bad people in my life? Hell yes. But if I did that I would wipe out many of the sources to my own convictions as a parent now. To be there for my kids always, to never use a belt or strap, to be attentive and fair to both equally, to listen and not always dictate, and above all LOVE them, no matter what. With both words and actions. That's sometimes not easy because I'm a raging touch phobic as a side affect of my childhood but it's important. And yes, that means if either of them come to me and say I'm gay or bi I'm okay with that, since I've been asked that question by quite a few people on here.

 

Basically, being an adult means trying to overcome those influences and trying to 'patch things up' with those in our life that may have treated us badly. If it takes a counselor to get you to that point then well and good, that's what they are there for. If you don't feel like they help you then don't use one. I personally never could but I know of others who believe that therapy saved their lives, so obviously not everyone out there is a quack. Also being an adult means that if you find that the attitudes and actions of the abusers has not changed you can write them off. You tried, you gave it a shot. Good for you. Now do what needs to be done to be happy and live your life the way you want to. Because it's too short to stay unhappy if you don't have to.

Edited September 1, 2010 by Cia

[Tipdin]

Cia, you are quite right!

 

And I agree, the good AND the bad things in my past make me who I am today. ...and I'm proud to say that I've been told by a few people close to me, that I'm actually quite pleasant to be with!

[hh5]

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