Open relationship or polygamy, doomed or working out well?

[Marzipan]

I'm weighing my options. lol

 

I'd still prefer to find all I want in one person!

[Devereaux]

I strongly believe that these sorts of things in relationships work on a trial by trail basis depending on the couple. However, having been in an open relationship myself- if only for a short time-, I can say that it did not work for me.

 

My ex and I decided to have an open relationship because we had been together going on 4 years and were in our early twenties. We wanted to "see what else was out there" yet not completely break up because we still had feelings for one another. As it turned out, yes we had feelings for one another but the feeling wasn't love any more. The two of us were just afraid to break up because being together was what had become normal for us.

 

I suppose my feelings on open relationships now are that if you're considering being with someone other than your spouse, then you really need to think about why it is they aren't enough for you. I'm not going to say it isn't possible for them to exist and still have a wonderful relationship, but I find it hard to believe that everyone in that situation would be being honest with themselves.

[Marzipan]

I suppose my feelings on open relationships now are that if you're considering being with someone other than your spouse, then you really need to think about why it is they aren't enough for you. I'm not going to say it isn't possible for them to exist and still have a wonderful relationship, but I find it hard to believe that everyone in that situation would be being honest with themselves.

 

 

Well, being a single gal here, I have no answer to your question... Hopefully he/she will be enough I'm not gonna settle tough!

[TetRefine]

The thing is, you will never find everything you want in one person unfortunately. So we find someone who has a lot of things we want and go from there. Anyway, I've never been in an open relationship and would probably not agree to one. I'm old school and believe in being totally committed to one person. I believe in the whole 'love over sex' bit. From what I've heard and read from others, an open relationship starts out all fun and happy, but it usually winds up with one partner getting jealous which leads to much bigger problems. If it works for some, then great, and then theres some like me who aren't cut out for that sort of "sharing".

[Marzipan]

The thing is, you will never find everything you want in one person unfortunately. So we find someone who has a lot of things we want and go from there. Anyway, I've never been in an open relationship and would probably not agree to one. I'm old school and believe in being totally committed to one person. I believe in the whole 'love over sex' bit. From what I've heard and read from others, an open relationship starts out all fun and happy, but it usually winds up with one partner getting jealous which leads to much bigger problems. If it works for some, then great, and then theres some like me who aren't cut out for that sort of "sharing".

 

 

I'll take love over sex anytime!

[Tiger]

I've never been in one and have mixed feelings. It sounds like it could be fun, but I'm not sure I can handle it. However, I think such relationships can work, but it takes a lot of just that, work!

[Tipdin]

I would vote against an open relationship - they're a setup for disaster.

 

That being said, I've been in an open relationship for 15 years. It was supposed to be closed, but someone (*Coughasshole) change that without my consent...

 

Adjusting to it was extremely difficult and has put all sorts of boundaries in place that were not there before.

 

If one enters into an open relationship, I would suggest extreme caution.

[Bumblebee]

I guess it depends on who your in a relationship with, if its someone you don't really love and both of you would like other partners then why not? might help you find the person you really love

 

But if its someone youve been with for years and your both deeply in love with each other, then it mightnt be the best idea, but then again if your partner really wants to sleep with other people then why not join in on the fun instead of them cheating on you

 

 

[sucre]

Hmm... well, both have their pros and cons. For open relationships, if it's just some little fling and neither partner really cares about the other, then it might work, but I would still steer clear from it. I would think that if you tried to pick up a guy or girl and they learned that you were in such a relationship, they might find you flaky and not want to date you. Unless you're getting something out of it, I wouldn't go in that direction.

 

The way I understand polygamy is actually that it's the marital version of polyamory, being that it's a group of people who are in a committed relationship together, although there are many offsets of it, so I'm not entirely sure whether you can be married and in an open relationship, and if that's poly or not... Okay, I'm confusing myself. XD Of course there are benefits to be had, such as stronger financial security and more people to help with chores, but it does require a huge amount of cooperation from everybody involved, and the majority of the world isn't polyamorous, either.

Overall, I think either is only best for unserious experimentation if you're predominantly monoamorous.

[rknapp]

Too open ended.

 

Are there or aren't there ground rules? If there are, and they're the right ones, then it might work. Otherwise, it would be very difficult.

 

Don't ask me what those rules are. I've never been in such a relationship and likely never will.

[Guest MiloReed]

I met a real jerk once who said that because I was gay it didn’t matter what kind of relationship I had, it was still unnatural. At the time I was in an open relationship with someone I trusted and loved. We didn’t split up because of the open relationship. Sometimes it just doesn’t work out either way.

 

As long as you’re both agreeing on the terms and know that you can trust each other to be safe and honest I personally don’t have a problem with it. I’ve been in far worse relationships where we didn’t have that agreement.

 

I try not to give happiness a label, in any way. We all have to do what is right for ourselves.

Edited January 25, 2011 by MiloReed

[DragonMando]

It really depends on the person getting into it. I know a couple of people who can't imagine life without polyamorous relationships, but I guess I'm too selfish for that Closest I could probably come is a mostly-exclusive relationship and on rare occasions bring in a mutual friend with benefits.

[Marzipan]

Every type of relationships can work out well - in theory. Real life just makes it all so hard. Pressure coming from everywhere.

 

Maybe it is too hippie to dream of polyamoric bliss if even really traditional monogamy ones don't function well in most cases. So I'm just going to be open to what life throws at me. And curious about the form love enters in my life next time. Not gonna say last time, that'll totally jinx it!

[James Hiwatari]

It depends on the people involved and the rules they set. Sharing a partner is not everyone, but there are people who are happy doing that (and people who are happier doing that).

 

I have never been in an open relationship before (I haven't been in that many relationships, in fact), but I know people who are polyamourous and I've learned a few things. I would probably consider poly - though I find it so hard to get together with one person that I don't know if I would ever manage to be with more than one!

[FrenchCanadian]

The thing is, you will never find everything you want in one person unfortunately. So we find someone who has a lot of things we want and go from there. Anyway, I've never been in an open relationship and would probably not agree to one. I'm old school and believe in being totally committed to one person. I believe in the whole 'love over sex' bit. From what I've heard and read from others, an open relationship starts out all fun and happy, but it usually winds up with one partner getting jealous which leads to much bigger problems. If it works for some, then great, and then theres some like me who aren't cut out for that sort of "sharing".

 

I do agree that no matter how much you will love one person, that there will always be at least a little something that will be missing. For that reason, I do not really believe in love at first sight either. You simply find someone that you like/love and you work on the relationship. This does go against the open relationship idea.

[Cailen]

I personally feel that open relationships or polygamy are an open way to end a relationship. I have to look at the idea and approach it from how i was raised. Forgetting that it was how i was raised and what we are taught that it is a NATURAL thing to do. A closed relationship is a partnership of sorts where there is a fair amount of trust and respect between the two parties. Together you build a sense of security and have enough emotional investment to carry it for a long time. This also provides a good environment for children because it provides financial security.

 

But I feel as a species we tend to covet and beget our childhood experiences as adults. but if i were to grow up in a setting where i had many different adults providing for me and i felt that was normal then perhaps i would be more comfortable with the idea. We as human beings inherently fear that we do not understand. So if we are unwilling to accept polygamy then we will never understand it. Another way of looking at it, when in doubt... don't.

 

This is not to say that this isn't a viable lifestyle as being gay or lesbian or transgendered isn't. But i feel the concept of coupling sort of transcends them all in the sense that the most important thing we have in this world is our ability to love one another and any relationship must have commitment, love and trust, and that having one person to rely on is the easiest way to achieve this. (Sorry if that was a bit eclectic)

[KYE]

I was in an open relationship once. It was a disaster, jealously was always trying to raise it's ugly head from both of us. The relationship ended when on a trip to London, he made arrangements to look at a flat in the afternoon, he was thinking of going to school there. Said he wouldn't be long, was just curious and no need for me to tag along. He did not return for dinner, or even that night, didn't even call the hotel to let me know he was ok. Leaving me alone in the hotel in a great city. He returned about noon the next day. He had spent the night with the 2 guys that had shown him the flat. I cursed him out, spent the rest of the trip exploring London by myself and I broke up with him on the way to the airport when we where leaving. There has to be some respect for your partner IF there is a chance for such a relationship to work.

 

 

[Kev de Cauchery]

I just finished a movie about polyamorous relationships, and it's kinda nice, so I'm recommending here.

It's a German movie, called 3, or perhaps you'll find it under the name Drei. It's a 2010 movie.

[Dannsar]

Being human means there are no rules. Monogamy is for security. Open relationships work if both parties can accept the parameters they both agree on. If there are no parameters, this would indicate there is either no reationship to be open about, or it has never been discussed. In the latter scenario, again, there is either no relationship, or someone is 'cheating'.

 

I'm not in an open relationship, but I do see other guys infrequently for sex, as my sexual compatibility with my bf ( together 15 yrs, married 5) is not that strong. Our relationship is physical enough not to matter, but is very emotionally and intellectually based. We are very much in love. He does not do anything physical with anybody else, and says explicitly that he does not want an open relationship.

 

How does that add up? I was honest and respectful enough to ask permission to have one or two fuck buddies. He consented after a bit of a discussion. But I would never have done it without discussion beforehand.

 

It can work. It's not for everyone. And it needs agreement, even if only tacit. Otherwise, it's abuse of trust imo.

 

Monogamy is not our natural state, otherwise we would mate for life like swans and other animals do. There again, polygamy is not a 'natural state' in that it is not the only state humans can adopt. Monogamy has security and health benefits. But don't ever believe that it is a given. And also don't ever believe that it is just men who seek their sex elsewhere. It is estimated, based upon recent research, that as many as one third of children in the UK are born to fathers who are not biologically theirs. Therefore, women are just as needful of alternatives from time to time. It is also genetically imprudent to be monogamous from a species point of view, as the more varied the parentages in a species, the greater the genetic strength.

 

As for open relationships, consider clearly why you might want one. And also consider honestly why you might object. If your reason to object to a proposal of open relationship is based most strongly upon what society thinks of it, then you are trapping yourself outside what might be best for the longevity of your relationship, and the mental health of your partner. On the other hand the opposite may also be true for either of you.

 

At the end of the day, does it really say that you are not enough for him if he gets a bit drunk and has a quickie with a co-worker at the office party? Not necessarily, methinks. People get horny, for gods sakes. You cannot expect to be enough for him if you are not there, then, when his dick is hard and needy. And should you really expect to be enough for him? That's a lot to carry. Just as much as it is for him to carry, if perhaps you are not, in any particular department. If you are not, that's not a reason to consider yourself or your partner deficient. Just not a perfect fit. Perfect fits are a myth btw.

 

And remember, too: you are in a relationship with him. You do not own him. His body is his responsibility, and the maintenance of it, and his mind, may need some tinkering and engineering that you cannot offer. Is he to let it all go to hell just to satisfy your selfish notions of what is the only way to go? That is rather a lot to ask of a person, when you really think about it.

 

Doesn't mean it's not possible, of course. But its possibility does not preclude the viability of open relationships at whatever degree you might want to suggest.

 

I'll bet what you like some may think that this is all just some manipulative argument to allow getting one's end away whenever one feels like it. Well, it's not. If you love someone that much you should be interested in cutting some slack where necessary, just the same as not cutting yourself too much slack if your partner has too much of a problem with it. Compromise, people, means couple specific solutions, not hard and fast rules.

 

Partnership is a faith, not a religion.

[K.C.]

I try not judge those who are in open relationships or polygamy relationships, since I don’t want someone judging how I chose to live my life. All I can say is open/polygamy relationships are not for me. If it works for them, great, but I’m too jealous! I don’t share well with others and it wouldn’t work for me.

[Marzipan]

Have you ever crushed on a couple, as in both of them? Did that work out? Did it lead to anything? Did that end up in a heartbreak? Was there anything good about it? I'm thinking, how common it is?

 

I am currently stuck with this, sort of, mostly toying with the idea after I wrote a story about it. When I started writing it, I didn't believe it was going to end happily, but as the story developed I felt why wouldn't it? Why couldn't two people invete a third one in their relationship if all of them love and respect each other. Hm. Well, it was a fairytale almost, happy ending. But does that happen irl?

 

I am actually interested on how people end up in them. Many responces here say that it just doesn't work. What if it could work? What is there to stop besides the socio-cultural limits familiar to us?

 

Any ideas, experiences?

 

I'm pondering this in a purely theoretical way, yet am I the only one thinking it could work with the right people in the relationship of more than two?

[Dannsar]

Maria ... read my novel ... it deals with a committed threesome ... which is why it's called Troika!

[Marzipan]

Dann... ... novels are fiction, as I said I wrote one too. And real life is what I was mainly interested in. Though thank you for the rec, I just might take it in m ý hands too.

[Nephylim]

I think the is ABSOLUTELY no reason why a relationship involving three or more people can't work. In my experience of a threesome it didn't work but there's no reason why it shouldn't Personally I think that a foursome would work better because of the dynamics but, as I said I don;t see why it wouldn't work

[Audi]

Me rebel the idea of polygamy =/ Why? you should know why. 1 of them is, it could hurt someone and we might not know it. I CARE. Every peeps don't deserve even a tiny bit of hurt (unless peeps who don't give a damn about anyone's feelin'. Well.. they need to learn some lessons) and Yes, there are advantages in poly but still.. disadvantages tops over advantages Well that's just my view. each peeps have different perspectives.

I love peeps, I care about peeps, their feelings and such. I focus on 'love' than 'sex' in relationship. and yes I'm boring

Note : I didn't read any of the above. I'm just saying.. hehe

Edited September 27, 2011 by Audi