He's Old Enough to Be My Dad... But He Isn't.

[Raijen]

Hey everyone, just to clarify I specifically am thinking of same-sex dating, but I'm curious on all sides of the issue. Is age a factor in dating behaviours, and if so, why?

[Marzipan]

This might sound funny, but seeing someone my own age would be a really excotic thing. I have had relationships 10 years younger or ten years older person. Same age, not yet 20 years older, why not even older than that? Age is not an issue. My mum might object

[Bumblebee]

As long as both are legal... it's fine

[AnytaSunday]

Depends on the maturity of both involved. But it has to be legal.

[JamesSavik]

The conventional wisdom on the subject.

 

You know the only reason that young guys date old farts is their money.

 

When the geezer runs out of money, the kid is off with the nearest truck driver they can find.

[Zolia Lily]

Theoretically i don't have a problem with the idea. It happens in lots of the stories i read and it always seems really sweet, and it does happen and work in real life, i'm sure.

However, in real life... i don't actuallly feel like a grown up... don't think i ever will... so dating someone that much older than me when i still feel like a teenager does weird me out a little. I don't think i could personally do it.

That said, it'll probably happen now

 

 

[Tipdin]

Each case is different. My partner and I have been (officially) together for nearly 20 years and he is 20 years older than I.

 

Age differences do not automatically mean anything. We have many of the same values and beliefs, an important aspect of any relationship. We have tons of things in common as well. There is very little that I would say prevents two people of significantly different ages from forming a relationship.

 

What has become an issue for us is age, itself. I'm in my fifties, he's in his seventies and we're beginning to have to deal with age-related illnesses and limitations. Although I'm 20 years younger, he's probably in better health than I am. I was a dancer and physical fitness nut. My knees and back are now shot. I've also been fighting cancer for some time. My partner has smoked for 60 years and has emphysema. We're finding that stairs are our number one enemy.

 

Some thought is needed before entering into any relationship. Age does not always represent a hurdle that's too high.

Edited March 15, 2011 by Tipdin

[JamesSavik]

The conventional wisdom on the subject.

 

You know the only reason that young guys date old farts is their money.

 

When the geezer runs out of money, the kid is off with the nearest truck driver they can find.

 

 

Didn't like that huh? I didn't much like it either. Notice that I call it the conventional wisdom, which for me is like saying the old wives tale regarding the subject.

 

There are a lot of reasons for these relationships. High on the list is the emotional stability and maturity of the older partner.

[TetRefine]

The conventional wisdom on the subject.

 

You know the only reason that young guys date old farts is their money.

 

When the geezer runs out of money, the kid is off with the nearest truck driver they can find.

 

As damaging as that may sound to some, James is right. There has to be sexual attraction for a relationship to work. If a 20 year old guy is dating a 55 year old guy, come on, don't tell me he's not pulling a Anna Nicole Smith. Dating someone your own age is a much better recipe for success (of course theres exceptions, but I would not date someone more then 5 years older then me unless I'm broke )

Edited March 15, 2011 by TetRefine

[Jwolf]

I guess I have to respond honestly. I've hooked up with older guys and definitely flirted at bars with guys well over my age. My question is what I would have in common with someone that much older. At 22, I don't consider myself very mature. I would still rather go out with friends than stay home and have a quiet night. Although I can't speak definitively because I've never dated an older gentleman, I can't imagine myself being that into it. Maybe I'm being myopic, dunno.

[Cyhort]

I wouldn't do it, I don't really like older guys, but if someone else was happy doing it it wouldn't bother me. As long as no one's getting hurt people should do whatever makes them happy.

[YaP]

I think the older you are (especially the younger partner in a relationship), the less age difference is an issue. 20 years make more of a difference for a 20 yo and a 40 yo than for a 30yo and a 50yo.. and even less for a 40yo and a 60yo. But i think too that a big age difference doesn't make it easier to build a stable relationship.

[YaP]

...At 22, I don't consider myself very mature....

 

Lol, thats not a conclusive argument. At 47 i don't consider myself very mature either

[Y_B]

I think the older you are (especially the younger partner in a relationship), the less age difference is an issue. 20 years make more of a difference for a 20 yo and a 40 yo than for a 30yo and a 50yo.. and even less for a 40yo and a 60yo. But i think too that a big age difference doesn't make it easier to build a stable relationship.

 

Definitely.

 

My dad's 8 years older then my mom and it ain't no thang when its dealing with the 40-50s age range

but when my dad was in college, my mom was just leaving elementary school hahahha

[Ramon]

I've seen older men that I found good looking before so I think I could possibly date somebody 20+ years older than I am. It might be unlikely that I could actually find someone that age I connect with because of the generation differences but aside from that, I don't see any problem with it. I mean, 20+ years for me would be a guy in his mid 40s and I've seen some hot guys in their 40s before.

[Benji]

I've seen older men that I found good looking before so I think I could possibly date somebody 20+ years older than I am. It might be unlikely that I could actually find someone that age I connect with because of the generation differences but aside from that, I don't see any problem with it. I mean, 20+ years for me would be a guy in his mid 40s and I've seen some hot guys in their 40s before.

 

............... Ok a friend of mine is only 21 and is involved with a 40+ guy, if they have no problems why should I? I cannot see it for myself though, I would not have enough in common with someone 20-30 years younger then me to form a real relationship. That said I do have a 20 year old Irish kid that likes to mess around with me!

[*HJ*]

I think it is fine as long as both parties are mature. Plus it would have to be legal. If your compatible why the heck not?

[rustle]

Sorry, not interested in any guy 20 years older than me. We'd both be farting dust.

[Zolia Lily]

My Uncle married a woman 15 years older than him. I kinda forgot until today. They've been together for probably 20 years now. To see them together you might pick her as being slightly older, but it's never been something shocking or something that made anyone look twice. The only person who had a problem with it was my grandad, who was upset that my Uncle would never have children (his wife had already had children in her first marriage) and there would be no one to carry on the family name. Sadly he didn't see it as a matter of my uncle's happiness, or a matter of love.

 

But they make it work, and they're happy. That's the most important thing.

 

 

[TrevorTime]

I couldn't do it, if only because I need to have things in common with my partner (generational things like pop culture, etc). My current BF is 6 months younger than I am, but for all intensive purposes, we are the same age.

[Curti]

I guess it depends on the person... I dated a guy that was merely five years older then me and he always made fun of me for my age and maturity (it bothered him that I was entertained easily, or that I couldn't drink in a bar, or that I was just starting school). He kind of ruined it for me. I won't ever date a guy that's more then just a few years because of the way it was with my ex. However, I honestly think its not an issue for some people so go ahead. Honestly age is just a number, but maturity and activities available to you are not. If it bothers a twenty year old that his forty year old boyfriend can't or won't do things that he likes and vice versa. Then there are probably going to be some problems.

[JamesSavik]

I've been in these relationships before and can tell you that their success or failure depends primarily on the motives of the parties involved.

 

Older Partner- If the older partner just wants a hot young thing, then it's probably NOT going to work. If sex is the primary driver in the relationship, the older partner is usually at a serious disadvantage. An older persons body is simply NOT that sexually attractive to a younger partner. Pure lust relationships are going to be short and probably NOT so sweet.

 

The other side of the coin: the older partner that treats the younger partner like a little brother, acts as a mentor, helps the younger partner navigate life and respects them will go much further. It doesn't even have to be a sexual relationship. In fact, I wish that ALL of our younger members had someone like that in their life that could simply be a trusted friend or mentor. These sorts of relationships are good, strengthen both parties and become life long affiliations.

 

 

Younger Partner- very few guys in their twenties are looking at 40 and 50 year olds as potential partners. They can, and often do, use sex to get what they want like money, jobs, etc. This is actually a dangerous place to be. If you are messing with the wrong guy, you could end up having an unfortunate accident. When sex is used as a weapon to coerce or entice, the feelings can run hot and violent. It is a cruel thing to do and it can seriously backfire on you.

 

The other side of the coin: if you allow yourself to get to know a few older men, your intuition will tell you about who they are and what they are about. If they want to rush you to the bed, they aren't the sort that you want to know. If they respect you as a person, treat you with deference and you feel that they have your best interests at heart, then it is a friendship you want to keep.

 

 

Many gay men, espically older gay men, feel a void in their life from not having children. They tend to make up for it by building a family of choice. As many of us are often estranged from our own families, this can be a great benefit for all concerned. If you are lucky enough to become a part of this family of choice, it will make you infinity stronger and bless you in ways that are not at all obvious.

 

___________________________________________

 

PS- please keep in mind that there are many levels of relationships and intimacy. You can have a relationship with your banker but it doesn't necessairly mean that you are sleeping with him.

[Andrew Q Gordon]

I think it depends on the age of the two when they meet. 18 & 38 ? Please 30 & 50 - that is a bit different

 

About 17 years ago I met a kid - I was thirty and he was twenty - nice guy - cute, funny, smart, mature. He wanted us to date in a bad way. Told me he was mature for his age and he didn't relate to people his own age. In the end I told him no.

 

I told him no because he was 20, he hadn't finished college, hadn't had his first career job, hadn't moved into his own place, hadn't turned 21 and had his time going out bar hopping and staying out at the clubs until it got old, hadn't settled into where he was going to live and who he was going to be. I told him that he had so much yet to experience that I had already done. No matter what he thought, he still had to experience these things for himself. I told him I didn't want to relieve those years, didn't want to go back to who I was at that age and that if he adjusted his life to mine, he would miss out on things he might come to regret. We parted friends, stayed in touch for a few years then he left the area.

 

I won't say I ever regretted what I told him, I truly believe(d) he needed to experience all those things for himself and to enjoy them as only someone his age could. I did regret not dating him on some level, but I met Mike within about 6 months and never regretted that so it all worked out well for me.

 

About 10 years after Ed and I met, I ran into him at a gay softball tournament in San Diego. We had dinner to catch up. [neither his partner nor mine were at the tournament] He thanked me for what I told him. Said he changed his thinking and found that friends his age weren't so different after all. He and his partner were together for 4 years and he was really happy. After that I never regretted anything about that discussion. And that was only a 10 year difference.

 

I think once you pass a certain threshold age - say 30ish - age takes on less meaning. Both sides have moved on from college and are past the first job, first apartment, first taste of responsibility. By then people tend to be more or less who they are going to be the rest of their lives. So at my age, I could see dating someone 20 years older or younger if that person were the right person, though, 20 years younger might still be a bit young.

 

But as Tidpin said, at some point age does become an issue when the age difference is vast. One partner is likely to spend a significant amount of time without the other at the end of their life. But that can happen even if the age difference isn't so great. My grandparents were 3 years apart in age and my grandmother lived 15 years after my Pop passed away. So in the end it really didn't matter so much.

 

Andy

[Steve3]

The conventional wisdom on the subject.

 

You know the only reason that young guys date old farts is their money.

 

When the geezer runs out of money, the kid is off with the nearest truck driver they can find.

Not always James.

 

One of my best friend's gorgeous little brother at age 23, fell hook, line and sinker for a man 40(!!) years his senior.

 

That was 12 years ago.

 

Just so you know, Marcus was WAY more successful than Mario (his senior). He went through college in the mid-90's, got with some DOT COM company, made tons o' $$ during the Internet Bubble, and cashed out at the proper time, so that he and Mario could retire, which they did in 2002.

 

Now Marcus does DJ'ing as a hobby and Mario is still an artist (he's 75 now I think).

 

They own a large loft of sorts in urban San Francisco, and some sort of lake property out of the city (not sure, maybe june something). Marcus' brother Art told me in January that Marcus and Mario got married before Prop 8 passed.

 

Marcus was/is a truly gorgeous boy/man of Hispanic heritage. Jim and I never quite understood the attraction, but the two of them are still happy now after all these years, and live quite well. Art and his wife always have a place to stay, and have a great time when they visit.

 

Steve³

[Tipdin]

Not always James.

 

One of my best friend's gorgeous little brother at age 23, fell hook, line and sinker for a man 40(!!) years his senior.

 

That was 12 years ago.

 

Just so you know, Marcus was WAY more successful than Mario (his senior). He went through college in the mid-90's, got with some DOT COM company, made tons o' $ during the Internet Bubble, and cashed out at the proper time, so that he and Mario could retire, which they did in 2002.

 

Now Marcus does DJ'ing as a hobby and Mario is still an artist (he's 75 now I think).

 

They own a large loft of sorts in urban San Francisco, and some sort of lake property out of the city (not sure, maybe june something). Marcus' brother Art told me in January that Marcus and Mario got married before Prop 8 passed.

 

Marcus was/is a truly gorgeous boy/man of Hispanic heritage. Jim and I never quite understood the attraction, but the two of them are still happy now after all these years, and live quite well. Art and his wife always have a place to stay, and have a great time when they visit.

 

Steve³

Yes, it is possible. My partner and I are 20 years apart, (he's older) and I met him when I was 20. I'm now in my fifties...