Have you ever been in love with your therapist?

[BrunoBR]

I’ve always been undergoing psychotherapy since I was 11 or 12, now I’m 26, due to depression, anxiety, among other things. I’ve had lots of psychotherapists, most were women, two therapists were man, one of them is my current therapist. He’s my therapist for about 5 months give or take. I don’t know why but I feel more comfortable having a male therapist. My first and last male therapist was really good and handsome, he was way older than me and married, also I was in a steady relationship at that time, so I didn’t feel anything special other for him on the personal side, though I had to stop my sessions due to some financial problems back then. However, my current therapist… I don’t know how to convey what I feel for him, so I’m just going to say that I’m really, really into him. My current therapist is very nice, thoughtful, kind, helpful and has always been there for me during my worst moments, a really good professional. Since the beginning of our sessions I started to feel something for him and this feeling has been growing bigger and bigger, I don’t think it’s love, maybe it is, but I really feel like I’d want to be with him all day long. Sometimes I believe I don’t want to date him or have a relationship, but I’d just like to make out with him. I know that it’s not possible because he’s my therapist and I don’t even know whether he’s gay and I think he’s not. One day, during a session, I was feeling that I wanted to hold him and kiss him so badly that I had to tell him and I did it right away, that day, like three months ago, I told him that I was into him and I kept thinking about it all the time. He was very kind and said it was natural due to our bond that was built during the sessions, but things couldn’t go beyond the professional relationship, like therapist and patient. Well, I didn’t get over it. Today I had another session and I can’t stop thinking of him. I’ve already hung out with other men, but my therapist is still inside my mind and it’s consuming me to the point of hindering my attention during the sessions. I don’t know what to do. I’m thinking about talking to him about it again, but I believe it won’t be a solution. I’ve already told some friends about this situation, but I got the same advice. But, again, I just can’t stop this feeling. I also think about giving up on him and look for another therapist, but he’s a good professional and I really like his work, also it’s really difficult to find good therapists, I know, I’ve had many. I’m really confused, kind of distraught right now. I don’t want to give up on a great professional, but I can’t get over these feelings.
Have you ever gone through this kind of situation or something similar? What did you do? If you haven’t, what would you do?
Thank you, guys.
PS: I’m not a native English speaker, so please go easy on my mistakes, but feel free to kindly correct me if you like, I’d be happy to improve.

[Tiger]

Bon tarde, Bruno! This is not unusual situation. Sometimes, we find that those who are helping us with our mental health problems are our heroes, and we may start to have those types of feelings. However, it's unlikely that your therapist feels the same way. Also, if he did, it would mean that he could no longer be your therapist. What's more, it would be unethical for him to pursue a romantic relationship with you. I know it's probably not what you wanted to hear, but it's one of those situations in which the fantasy and reality are unlikely to merge. However, therapists are a great resource for opening yourself up for finding love. And who knows? I could be wrong. He may be willing to risk it all. You should look for signs that he's into you before you even consider that a possibility. Keep in mind that some of these signs are things that therapists are trained to do like maintaining eye contact. You'll have to look for other signs. https://pairedlife.com/dating/How-Do-You-Know-A-Guy-Likes-You

[BrunoBR]

Boa tarde, Tiger! Thank you for your response.

Well, I also think it's unlikely that he feels the same way. My main concern is that I don't know how to deal with it and what to do.

I've just read through the article about signs, but it's impossible to make some conclusion because our relationship is strict to our sessions. I don't know how he behaves near other people or patients. I don't know much about his life out of the office and I may confuse some signs, like he is always interested to know more about me, he leans over to talk to me, but he does these kinds of things because he is my therapist, I can't tell he shows interest because he's into me. Most of these sings are part of his job and the rest is a little impossible to know for sure. It's really difficult. It's bothering me so much. I think I'll have to be honest with him and tell him all this and if there's no solution I'll have to look for another therapist, sadly.

[Hunter Thomson]

I understand where you are coming from, as I'm in a similar situation. I'm currently going through life coaching/therapy, and I'm very aware of my feelings for my professional counterpart. Part of my concern is that he and I do know each other from our respective pasts. Nothing serious, we worked a political campaign together. But it does present an interesting situation where we traveled in the same social circles and were conversational with each other before meeting in this totally different context.  In this sense, my feelings didn't arise from the sessions, but were more reawakened by seeing him.

 

Either way, neither he nor I am going to do anything about it. Neither of us wants to pursue anything with the other, and it would be way too weird to do so at this point anyways. But he is rather nice to look at...

[BrunoBR]

Hunter, have you considered telling him your feelings? What do you think about it? If he is your coach/therapist, maybe you could work on this situation. But if you think it could hinder your sessions and your are interested in keeping your therapy no matter what, so I wouldn't give you this advice. But if it is something that really bothers you and you don't worry about the possible outcome, I believe you could tell him what you are feeling. At least you would let off some steam.

Edited August 2, 2017 by BrunoBR

[Former Member]

Bruno, you certainly aren’t the first to have this problem.

Romanovsky & Phillips – Oh No… I’m in Love (with My Therapist)

 

Romanovsky & Phillips’ website

 

I also suffer from Anxiety and Depression. I am on Disability and have been in therapy for about a decade. I’ve found it easier to talk to a female therapist. My first therapist was a Gay man (I was getting therapy at a Gay Community Center), but he wasn’t my type. A few years ago, I had a male therapist again, but this guy was clearly straight and was even more not my type – with one exception, I’ve only seen interns who spend their final year before they graduate providing free or low-cost psychological therapy as part of their training. I’ve had many therapists over the years, but I’ve never had to deal with the problem you’re having.

 

I think you’ve done all you can do. You’ve told your therapist how you feel and he hasn’t done anything to indicate he’s interested in pursuing anything outside your sessions. I know it’s difficult to have everyone telling you the same thing and I know you’d like to have someone tell you something different. But I can’t be that person either.  ;-)

[Freerider]

He made it clear nothing is going to happen. The only thing you can do is get your interest in him under control. 

Spoiler

If you have to, wank off before a session to get your hormones in check.

If you manage that, you will only have the pain of losing a love interest. There will be others...

 

If you won't, you will have the added pain of losing a good therapist.

On top of that the nuisance of finding a new one. There probably will not be others...

 

 

 

 

Edited August 2, 2017 by Freerider

[BrunoBR]

Thank you, droughtquake and Freerider.

 

Actually, I don't want have someone tell me something different. I know it's something nearly impossible to happen and I have and want to keep my feet on the ground.

I don't want to lose my therapist either. So, I think only one question remains to try to resolve this: should I tell him one last time about my feelings that I expressed here and eventually try to have his help to work on this situation or do you think it wouldn't be worth it as I may cause some unnecessary hassle?

Edited August 2, 2017 by BrunoBR

[Freerider]

I advice against that.

You have nothing to gain by telling him again. I don't see any way in which that will benefit you.

Worst case, he may decide that it is such a hinder to his work that he refuses to work with you any longer. 

If you want him to help with this issue, make it about some other person. This way you can discuss your feelings openly with him, without creating unnecessary hassle...

 

[Former Member]

I think you should tell him, but with the explanation that you want his help resolving the issue and that you realize it’s not a realistic fantasy. Therapists have been trained on this issue because you are not the first and certainly not the last to feel this way. Just be upfront and honest. He’ll see though any subterfuge anyway. 😉

 

He is talking to his own therapist about this and he’s probably getting advice on how to proceed which ever way you approach it.

Edited October 25, 2018 by Former Member

[Hunter Thomson]

18 hours ago, BrunoBR said:

Hunter, have you considered telling him your feelings? What do you think about it? If he is your coach/therapist, maybe you could work on this situation. But if you think it could hinder your sessions and your are interested in keeping your therapy no matter what, so I wouldn't give you this advice. But if it is something that really bothers you and you don't worry about the possible outcome, I believe you could tell him what you are feeling. At least you would let off some steam.

 

Oh, god no. Way too weird. Maybe in the last session before I move I'll talk about it, but I wouldn't bet on that. Just not my style and it would be far too weird to do anything. Besides, I'm pretty sure he's dating my more successful doppelganger so it's a moot point.

[MrM]

Psychological Transferrence, which is a necessary part of psychotherapy, almost always engenders strong emotional feelings in the subject. That's its point. The Psychotherapist has to draw you out and expose your most intimate details and form a bond with you so you can work out what you need to work out. Psychologists know this and that is why they make rules like 'no. communication outside of the therapy room' and they never give a private contact number or or if they do its only under exceptional circumstances.

 

That''s why I always try to get female therapists because my bond with them does not become romantic. I am actually in the process of trying to make an. appointment with a gay therapist and. it makes me nervous because. I know that there is a danger that. my emotions might get. confused during Transferrence. But,, in this case. I need help. that only one like me can give so I''ll have to risk it.

 

Sorry for all the periods. My Bluetooth keyboard is actingup again.

[BrunoBR]

Not only is this situation regarding my therapist horrible but also I always have a hectic and chaotic life, which is really bad already and makes me wish I was dead on a regular basis. I've decided I'm going to tell him everything just as I told you all here.

[Sam Wyer]

Hi

 

I know this is a few weeks old now, and maybe you've resolved this problem already.  But if not... as someone with some relevant experience, you should seriously consider talking to your therapist about how you feel.  Yes, it might feel totally awkward and embarrassing, but if it's still around for you as an issue that you are thinking about, it's likely to be having an impact on the work the two of you are doing.  Any decent therapist will (at least should!) be prepared to deal with this kind of scenario, because as others have said, it's really not that uncommon.

 

Good luck

 

Sam

[Solivagant]

Ever since I can remember, I have always felt attraction to older men, so I consciously made the decision to have women as my therapists to avoid embarrassing situations, so to speak. So, no, I have never been in love with my therapists because they have always been women.

[Former Member]

On 8/2/2017 at 8:41 PM, MrM said:

That''s why I always try to get female therapists because my bond with them does not become romantic. I am actually in the process of trying to make an. appointment with a gay therapist and. it makes me nervous because. I know that there is a danger that. my emotions might get. confused during Transferrence. But,, in this case. I need help. that only one like me can give so I''ll have to risk it.

It is important to find a therapist who is at least LGBTQ-friendly. Theoretically, nearly all of them will be, but just because someone is taught to accept us doesn’t mean they really do. Unfortunately, in the US, you might not have a lot of choice in who you can see because of all the restrictions that are placed on mental health by our healthcare system.

[Thorn Wilde]

Choosing a therapist of a gender I'm not attracted to would not work for me. I'm attracted to all genders.