Rainbow parenting styles: kids vs. parents

[Kileoli]

The other day at work we were discussing kids today and how much freedom should be negotiated, when one my colleagues said I have one of the most well behaved, clever empathetic kids he's ever met. 

That led to the discussion of how different it is for gay, lesbian and other combination of parents to raise their kids and does it really make a difference in how things work at home, what the rules are and how do the kids see it?

Since it happens pretty often that parents of other kids ask us how we do it. I guess we are doing things differently ( wrong or right ?!). 

I was wondering how it is for not-same sex couples? And how is it for kids with two moms or two dads or any other combination? Do they see the world differently?

Considering the society was so tolerable that didn't care, would it be different in the interaction of (homosexual vs. heterosexual)parents with their children? 

[Jeff Burton]

If I ever had kids I would like to think I’d have the ability to let them figure themselves out within a set of guidelines that are really more common sense than inflexible rules.

Im not even sure if my sexuality would even be called into question until it needed be.  But then again I have a very different outlook on the world that’s not even a part of the straight parent vs gay parent mind set lol.

But at the end of the day I’d probably make the same mistakes everyone else does and find out in family therapy that I’m the root cause of all their problems so, damned if I do damned if I don’t. 😂

[Kileoli]

21 minutes ago, Jeff Burton said:

If I ever had kids I would like to think I’d have the ability to let them figure themselves

That's a very theoretical aspects many people without kids think they can, honest answer at some point when you're too exhausted you will be like whatever, I do like others do.

But then it's my question, is it really a sexuality thing or people are people with their own traits?! I don't see it how sexuality would affect how two people live together with or without kids since there are always things that must be done. But it still surprises me how often other parents/kids see our family different so I was wondering if it is still something personal or sexuality plays a role.

 

27 minutes ago, Jeff Burton said:

find out in family therapy that I’m the root cause of all their problems

So true! I can relate to this 😂

[kbois]

I can't answer for the gay parents but from the straight perspective I doubt there is much difference. I think it all depends on who the individuals are as a couple and their own set of values. 

Its a parent's job to teach. In real life every kid learns differently and every parent teaches differently. Some are better than others. 

I was raised in Generation X, yes we were given a lot a freedom as kids and I wouldn't trade it for anything. I learned how to problem solve by seeing my dad "fix" things with duct tape and baling wire. I absorbed domestic skills by helping my mom cook and keep a household of 8 people running with controlled chaos. The first love I learned was a gift given to me by my parents. The values they instilled in me shaped me into who I am today. 

I tried to raise my two boys with those values and for the most part I think it worked. I've had moments when I've been overwhelmed with pride for something one of them accomplished or did. I've also experienced bitter disappointment when the reality that I also failed one of them hit me like a brick wall. 

Every parent regardless of their sexuality has those high and low moments. 

The advent of 24 hour television, internet, and social media has added another layer of parenting that has to be navigated. Social media, especially is something that today's parents should be shit scared of because of the influence it has on kids. 

As far as negotiating freedom, it depends on the kid's ages. All kids need rules and structure. Parent's need to provide this and be open to changing as their child matures. Just because one teenager can be trusted to be home by midnight doesn't mean another can be. Flexibility, rather than negotiation should be key. 

Gay or straight, it's our responsibility to give our kids the tools they need to navigate life. Whether or not they use those tools is up to them. 

 

[Kileoli]

1 hour ago, kbois said:

I think it all depends on who the individuals are as a couple and their own set of values. 

It's good to get it confirmed. I think the same but sometimes I'm not sure if I am doing it right or am I too strict because I'm afraid of someone treating the kids differently because of their parents' sexuality. 

1 hour ago, kbois said:

we were given a lot a freedom as kids and I wouldn't trade it for anything

I'm just thinking we were not given a lot of freedom, it was like the world was not so dangerous or the parents were not criticized for every action. I feel like no matter what we do, we're doing it wrong 😂

And it's normal to be overprotective, actually it's bad if you give the kids too much freedom. But then I have a feeling kids today are more self conscious and individually independent. I know at the age of 8 I was satisfied with climbing trees and waiting for the other kids to play soccer together or throw stones at the pigeons. My parents never asked me if I needed/ wanted something. 

But now my 8 year old daughter is telling me about investments and how she's planning to buy her house and farm,  how I should take videos of her explaining things to others to earn money, she even sells her plants to others. She amazes me how she negotiated her rights ( yep she thinks it's her right to have certain things). So it's totally a different world. Therefore it makes no sense to ban things , but instead focus on negotiations and problem solving. 

Still it would be interesting to know how other dads do things or if there's a kid with two dads or moms old enough here to say if it really made any difference or as long as they are loved they are fine.

1 hour ago, kbois said:

. I've also experienced bitter disappointment when the reality that I also failed one of them hit me like a brick wall. 

Thats my biggest fear and I hope no parent experience it.

But then I try to be as responsible as a parent can be without crossing my own boundaries.

[Zombie]

On 4/17/2026 at 10:40 AM, Kileoli said:

kids vs. parents

I guess that’s been a dynamic within families back to the dawn of humankind  (also in the animal world)

I have no kids so can only comment from observations of all those I’ve encountered and my own childhood experience (which included freedoms that probably wouldn’t/couldn’t happen now)

families are the most important social unit in a healthy society but there is no Rulebook for parenting, no universal ‘recipe for success’ 

your questions are thoughtful and interesting and show your awareness and understanding and desire to learn which I think are key attributes in successful parenting (along with unconditional love, nurturing, support, patience and many others) together with who YOU are as a human being

maybe you should write about your experience as a parent

[Jason Rimbaud]

If you are being seen as a good parent with well behaved children, I think it speaks more to who you and your husband are as opposed to gay vs straight parenting. 

Good parents usually raise good kids. Simple. 

My question, why would any person want kids in the first place. I have a great life, money in the back, I can do whatever I wish without worrying about raising a eating, pooping, money sucking machine that lasts a lifetime.

Best thing about being gay, we don't have to live in that world with all the rest of the mundanes.  

 

[kbois]

28 minutes ago, Jason Rimbaud said:

 

Best thing about being gay, we don't have to live in that world with all the rest of the mundanes.  

 

Wow. I guess the rest of us "mundanes" are lucky you didn't spawn. 

[Kileoli]

23 minutes ago, Jason Rimbaud said:

why would any person want kids in the first place. I have a great life, money in the back, I can do whatever I wish without worrying about raising a eating, pooping, money sucking machine that lasts a lifetime.

You want an honest answer? It was a moment of weakness, too much alcohol, hormones, hornieness and no condoms....

Shit, my dear AI friend this answer doesn't work when the party involved don't have the right equipment.

Ok, now the answer without AI, blame the In-laws for desperately wanting to have grandkids and not caring two guys are not designed to make pooping money sucking machines.

I really don't know why I let them brainwash us into this bullshit, there are times I regret it, I even tried to send the monsters back ( Retour didn't work) or put them in a basket with a note " ready for a new home"😅

But I like them, they are funny and you get 250€ for each kid per months....that's a good deal or not!!😂

[Jason Rimbaud]

3 minutes ago, kbois said:

Wow. I guess the rest of us "mundanes" are lucky you didn't spawn. 

Its cute that you think you are a mundane. But your not.  

[kbois]

8 minutes ago, Jason Rimbaud said:

Its cute that you think you are a mundane. But your not.  

Mundane (/mʌnˈdeɪn/ or /mənˈdeɪn/) describes things that are ordinary, routine, boring, or related to earthly life rather than spiritual matters.

 

Yup ..I am definitely not mundane.

[Jason Rimbaud]

10 minutes ago, Kileoli said:

But I like them, they are funny

That's why you are a good father. And I would be a bad one. 

[Jason Rimbaud]

2 minutes ago, kbois said:

Mundane (/mʌnˈdeɪn/ or /mənˈdeɪn/) describes things that are ordinary, routine, boring, or related to earthly life rather than spiritual matters.

 

Yup ..I am definitely not mundane.

I know, you are anything but mundane. Its not a gay or straight issue, male or female, its about being boring and not being boring. Good parents, not boring, engaged, loving, bad parents, not being engaged, doesn't care and would rather screens raise their kids. The mundanes. 

Edited April 18 by Jason Rimbaud

[Kileoli]

10 minutes ago, Jason Rimbaud said:

Good parents, not boring, engaged, loving, bad parents, not being engaged, doesn't care and would rather screens raise their kids. The mundanes. 

Wow thanks for the definition. I try to imagine myself as a good parent. At least almost noone  from school or kindergarten staff has seen the mysterious dads because we never pick up our kids. So we can never embarrass them, which means we are good parents. 

And apart from the 250€ monthly bonus, I remembered we get some tax back and more financial bonus on the house and electric cars,.... So the kids do have their benefits. And if you program them well, to everyone's surprise they are capable of doing the chores and cooking....

[Zombie]

4 hours ago, Kileoli said:

So we can never embarrass them

sorry to disappoint, but parents always embarrass their kids - it’s in the Rulebook, you know, the one that’s not been written

[Kileoli]

7 hours ago, Zombie said:

parents always embarrass their kids

Thanks for destroying my bubble of not being mundane according to Jason

Do you think I dont hear enough :"Daddy, just go. You are so embarrassing." And I swear that's almost the first complete sentence they learned to say.

On the bright side, there's nothing more satisfying than embarrassing the kids, we are looking forward to the times they experiment things with friends and we accidentally need something from them.😈

We have already discussed the best places for condoms, lubes, toys and other educational materials.

[Jeff Burton]

20 minutes ago, Kileoli said:

Thanks for destroying my bubble of not being mundane according to Jason

Do you think I dont hear enough :"Daddy, just go. You are so embarrassing." And I swear that's almost the first complete sentence they learned to say.

On the bright side, there's nothing more satisfying than embarrassing the kids, we are looking forward to the times they experiment things with friends and we accidentally need something from them.😈

We have already discussed the best places for condoms, lubes, toys and other educational materials.

lmao that’s totally the parent I would be.

[Kileoli]

When you have to go through all the trouble, sick days, sleepless nights, heart broken teenagers, empty bank accounts, there should be some rewards to it.

BTW, the kids are really cute and actually its important that they visit the states to learn English, so do you want to have them for a year? You are allowed to try all your creative ideas ( within boundaries).

[Jeff Burton]

18 minutes ago, Kileoli said:

When you have to go through all the trouble, sick days, sleepless nights, heart broken teenagers, empty bank accounts, there should be some rewards to it.

BTW, the kids are really cute and actually its important that they visit the states to learn English, so do you want to have them for a year? You are allowed to try all your creative ideas ( within boundaries).

Oh no, absolutely not. I would implode like a star going super nova.  I have enough chaos with just my own mind, and I've had my hand in dealing with teenagers through the years, I'm simply no longer strong enough.  They'll break my will with the first "whatever" eye roll.  Nope, you got this! Just give them a copy of "Call of Duty" and some headsets.  After a couple of hours in the voice lobby they'll not only learn English but they'll speak it fluently, including the curses and their proper uses.

[Kileoli]

1 hour ago, Jeff Burton said:

Oh no, absolutely not. I would implode like a star going super nova.  I have enough chaos with just my own mind, and I've had my hand in dealing with teenagers through the years, I'm simply no longer strong enough.  They'll break my will with the first "whatever" eye roll.  Nope, you got this! Just give them a copy of "Call of Duty" and some headsets.  After a couple of hours in the voice lobby they'll not only learn English but they'll speak it fluently, including the curses and their proper uses.

Oh noooo, you didn't fall into the trap. Don't play the call of duty trick on me, I learned English from playing computer games so....

I guess I'm gonna get the kids t shirts with " "we are looking for a new home and we even make you breakfast " 

Then leave them at some playground and run. It might work on someone desperate to have cute pets who can talk.

[Jeff Burton]

4 minutes ago, Kileoli said:

I guess I'm gonna get the kids t shirts with " "we are looking for a new home and we even make you breakfast " 

Except for pancakes apparently in your case. 

[Kileoli]

26 minutes ago, Jeff Burton said:

Except for pancakes apparently in your case. 

That's not completely true. I got Crepes, which is the French version of pan cakes so....

😏

https://www.bbcgoodfood.com/howto/guide/how-make-crepes

[Jeff Burton]

1 minute ago, Kileoli said:

That's not completely true. I got Crepes, which is the French version of pan cakes so....

😏

https://www.bbcgoodfood.com/howto/guide/how-make-crepes

It's not the same and you know it. 😛

[Zombie]

1 hour ago, Kileoli said:

we even make you breakfast

first thing kids learn - how to lie

[Davide]

3 hours ago, Kileoli said:

BTW, the kids are really cute and actually its important that they visit the states to learn English, so do you want to have them for a year? You are allowed to try all your creative ideas ( within boundaries).

Kids nowadays learn English just by existing on the internet.

1 hour ago, Jeff Burton said:

It's not the same and you know it. 😛

You're right, it's different, crepes are better.

Edited April 19 by Davide