Our life choices

[MMandM]

To most of us on GA, you're at an age where there are many more major choices to be made. If you had your druthers, and you can go back, what would you have done differently?

 

You know that old saying, hinde sight is 20/20. Have you learned anything? What was the major lesson of your life? What was the best and the worst decision you made?

Edited May 14, 2007 by MarkInAlisoViejo

[Graeme]

Have you learned anything? What was the major lesson of your life? What was the best and the worst decision you made?

I don't have a lot of regrets in my life. There are things I would have liked to have done differently, but if I did, then I wouldn't have the life I have now.

 

Overall, I have tried to be consistent, living ethically and as honestly as I could. If I could go back and do it again, I would have accepted my sexuality in my late teens, but then my life would be completely different to what I have now.

 

I wrote an essay a couple of years ago on the subject of being gay and married to a woman. It concludes with the following statement which is still true for me today:

 

Someone asked me once what I thought about the idea of a gay person getting married just to have children. While I can appreciate the desire to be a parent -- my two boys are the centre of my life -- this is not the way to do it. It is incredible selfish and cruel to the partner who is effectively being used and abused. Find another way of becoming a parent that doesn't involve causing this much pain to someone.

 

On a final personal note, I hope that mixed-orientation marriages, such as mine, are a cultural phenomenon that is dying. I believe they are caused because of the lack of open acceptance of GLBT in the society in which my generation grew up. The success of my marriage so far looks like it is the exception rather than the rule, but both of us are working hard to keep it successful. The vast majority of mixed-orientation marriages fail and fail miserably, hurting many people, especially when children are involved. If I could have been more confident in myself when I was younger, my life would have been very different. Almost certainly I would not have married.

 

Having said that, I once said to my wife that we can't regret the things that could have been, we just have to celebrate the things we have.

 

I'm now off to continue my celebration.

[JamesSavik]

If you had your druthers, and you can go back, what would you have done differently?

 

I've heard people say that they wouldn't do anything different to which I think- your a damn liar.

Of course! I would have not played in the game I blew my knee out. I would have gone the

other direction and not run into the ambush...

 

 

Have you learned anything?

 

No matter how low your opinion of people, they are worse.

 

 

What was the major lesson of your life?

 

I don't know yet as it ain't over yet. Don't quit and if you can't defeat your enemies,

make them suffer I suppose.

 

Trust is earned, not bestowed is also a powerful lesson.

 

 

What was the best and the worst decision you made?

 

best- getting clean, dumping Shane

worst- hooking up with Shane

A great piece of ass isn't worth your soul.

[Krista]

If you had your druthers, and you can go back, what would you have done differently?

 

---- Let's see, I would go back and change some things, like I wouldn't have tried to impress my dad all that much. I wouldn't have entered into an engagement with David last year. I also would have thought a lot longer on the removal of my ovaries, just in case the doctors were mistaken.

 

 

 

Have you learned anything?

 

 

---- I don't know really, I'm only 21. I'm seeing that I still have a lot of options and a lot of things to learn about being an adult in general... lol. That I can't get away with things that I could not too long ago, because people are starting to expect more of me.

 

 

What was the major lesson of your life?

 

 

---- That things don't work out, dreams get shattered, and things can be taken away. That all of that isn't the end of the world so get over it. (It's what my grandmother told me at christmas, she's in her mid 90's. Then I opened her gift for me and it was sexy underwear)... STILL... a good little thing to keep in mind.. haha.

 

 

What was the best and the worst decision you made?

 

 

---- (Best) - To get help over my eating disorders.

(Worst) - To start them in the first place.

 

 

Krista

[Luc]

This is always a difficult topic for me. I have given a lot of thought to all these questions at various points in my life.

 

I've heard people say that they wouldn't do anything different to which I think- your a damn liar.

 

Anytime I think of what I would change if I could, I DO end up with the answer of

[old bob]

you're at an age where there are many more major choices to be made

Funny ! First, I thought that this phrase didnt concern me. At 78, are many more major choices to be made ? After thinking a lot, I will answer yes.

Have you learned anything?

Among all the life experiences I made, I learnt more from the bad ones that from the others. but deep down in my soul, I must say that I'm still the same i was 70 years ago. What I learnt can be said in 2 sentences : "Nihil novi sub sole" and "carpe diem" ( Mark, as a lawyer, you could translate )

If you could go back, what would you have done differently?

I dont know From the beginning, I had always the chance to be aware of the plus and minus of the different roads when I was at a bifurcation. In my "private" life, today I'm sure to have made the right decisions. It was and it is an "happy life". In my "business" life, I made a lot of wrong decisions, but today, I'm happy with what I'm and I'm sure that at the end, in spite of the wrong decisions, I would be today in the same situation I'm now.

What was the major lesson of your life?

Never give up. Never forget that after each night there is a dawn! And as I could test many many times: "heaven helps those who help themselves".

What was the best and the worst decision you made?

The best (I think so after so many years) : I was 26 years old, as a young research engineer, I had a very interesting offer to work for Sperry Rand and emigrate to the States( It was the time of "brain drain" from Europe and a lot of skilled people left to the States). I sat a night long with my wife and we decided to stay in Switzerland. In comparison with US, Switzerland is a paradise!

The worst : in the seventees, I managed (among others) a film distribution company. Just before the "Festival de Cannes" (like now) I had the opportunity to buy the rights for Switzerland of a french film project for a "flat" price or 25'000 swiss francs. It was an unknown filmmaker with unknown actors, and I didnt buy it. The title of the fim : "three men and a craddle". In Switzerland only, the company wich bought it made 2'500'000.- benefit , 100 times more. I'm still angry about my decision !

[AFriendlyFace]

To most of us on GA, you're at an age where there are many more major choices to be made. If you had your druthers, and you can go back, what would you have done differently?

 

I don't have a lot of regrets in my life. There are things I would have liked to have done differently, but if I did, then I wouldn't have the life I have now.

 

Overall, I have tried to be consistent, living ethically and as honestly as I could. If I could go back and do it again, I would have accepted my sexuality in my late teens, but then my life would be completely different to what I have now.

That sums everything up nicely for me as well.

Someone asked me once what I thought about the idea of a gay person getting married just to have children.

Something I've often considered (as discussed in my blog entry "Sometimes I wish for a mistake")

While I can appreciate the desire to be a parent -- my two boys are the centre of my life -- this is not the way to do it. It is incredible selfish and cruel to the partner who is effectively being used and abused. Find another way of becoming a parent that doesn't involve causing this much pain to someone.

Which is ultimately what I decided.

 

This is always a difficult topic for me. I have given a lot of thought to all these questions at various points in my life.

Anytime I think of what I would change if I could, I DO end up with the answer of “nothing.” If I were to change something in my past, I have to think it would alter every moment of my life from that point onward. While that could mean a lot of things would be better, it could mean that some very important things in my life would never have happened or would be lost to me. “The Butterfly Effect” feels true to me. And the fear of what I might lose would probably stop me from changing anything.

EXACTLY!

 

Hmm, so I wouldn't change anything because my beliefs about life do reflect the "Butterfly Effect" and I wouldn't want to change my current situation drastically. Still assuming I could somehow change things in my past without really changing my future I suppose I would:

 

1) Have come out, at least to some people, in high school

2) Have been much more supportive and vigilant with regards to one particular gay friend who's having a rough time of it.

3) Have been more supportive of a different friend who had other issues.

 

What's the worst decision I've ever made?

Hmm, lol give me some credit, I'm young yet, I'm sure I can make lots more horrible decisions.

 

What have I learned?

-Always give people the benefit of the doubt. Every time I finally decide to dislike someone, or that so and so is just bad, they always do something to pleasantly surprise me and I just end up feeling guilty, or unperceptive.

-Whatever it is, it just isn't that big a deal; life goes on, just get over it.

-"Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened."

 

What's the best decision I've ever made?

As with the "Worst decision" I suppose I'll answer by quoting "No such thing" by John Mayer. "I'd like to think the best of me, is still hiding up my sleeve."

Still as far as the best decision I've made to date...I guess that would be to take care of myself. To get plenty of sleep, and exercise, and to eat a healthy diet.

 

-Kevin

Edited May 14, 2007 by AFriendlyFace

[rknapp]

The biggest mistake I ever made so far (not much in 20 years) was wrecking my old Dodge. But, I've gotten over it. Which leads me to believe that the worst has yet to come... and that I am in the process of making my worst mistake, which involves the fact that as a Junior in college I have not yet had relations with any one person... not even a real kiss. I've had a few experiences, but I won't count them for anything.

 

Now, being alone is something that I enjoy very much. Having said that, there is a very real difference between "alone" and "loneliness", which is not something that I look forward to, but is something that is inevitable.

 

As for my best decision, I'm going to say that in my 20 years, such a decision probably yet to be made. Although, from a professional standpoint, I may have already made that decision -- sticking with my engineering major. All of the career tests that I have taken are telling me to stay the course, and so I am.

 

The best lesson I have learned is one that I have already stated in another thread. It is, "The richest man is a pauper at times, when compared to the man with a satisfied mind."

[TheUnwanted]

.

Edited May 19, 2007 by Neirin

[TonyM]

The thing I would change:

 

I would have joined the Navy after High School. I would most likely have been able to get training on computers and end up with a decent job after serving my time. Instead, I lived paycheck to paycheck for over 10 years until I lucked into my current job.

 

 

Lesson learned:

 

I learned that I don't want to live my life like my mother. Her idea of living is to work just enough to pay the bills, buy beer and keep food on the table. Anytime any unexpected expense comes up she has to struggle to pay it off. I may wish I could only work a few hours every day like she does but I enjoy the rewards of having a decent job that allows me to live comfortably without worrying about paying the bills all the time. One lifestyle habit I did get from my mother is I'm cheap when it's not necessary to spend extra. This allows me to save for retirement and buy the toys I want occassionally.

 

Best decision:

 

Accepting the transfer from San Diego to Quebec, Canada. I didn't realize how stressful my life was living in southern California. I lost 10 pounds without changing eating or exercise habits. Simply the lower stress level working here has improved my overall health significantly. Plus the fact that everyone is so accepting I can be open about my sexuality and not worry about it at all.

 

Worst decision:

 

Hiding in the closet for so long. San Diego is pretty open minded and as long as you know what neighborhoods to avoid and stay out of poorly lit areas at night you are safe. After my mother left San Diego I really had no other reason to stay closeted since it's just my family that I don't want to know about me yet. All of my friends would also knew my mother would have kept it from her if I ever did come out.

[rknapp]

The thing I would change:

 

I would have joined the Navy after High School. I would most likely have been able to get training on computers and end up with a decent job after serving my time. Instead, I lived paycheck to paycheck for over 10 years until I lucked into my current job.

 

FYI: That depends on how much schooling they paid for you. If you went as far as simple certification and/or associate's, then they would have approximately six years of your life. If you went as far as a bachelor's, they would have twelve years of your life, meaning that what you did was perfectly sensible.

 

Quality of life, however, is entirely circumstantial, as I can't imagine any branch of the military being any better than living paycheck to paycheck.

[Razor]

I would have gone up to my father, punched him squarely in the balls, hit him repeatedly with a frying pan, then poured all of his alcohol onto him. When he woke up, I would hold his handgun pointed at his face and calmly explain to him how badly he is messing up his life and the lives of those around him. I would also suggest to him that he should undergo counseling for his severe insecurity and attention issues.

 

I also wouldn't have been so clueless about letting my mother hang around him for as long as she put up with him. I happen to know that he did a lot of really messed up things before I ever came along, so I would have concentrated on getting her out of that situation as quickly as possible.

 

I would have never picked up a cigarette. I would have never touched marijuana.

 

I would have insisted on a better education for myself so that I wouldn't be blindsided after not learning anything new for eight years.

 

I would have guilted my grandmother into paying for piano lessons.

 

I would have kept my sister from going through all the shit that she's just now beginning to halfway work out.

 

I would have noticed my brother's eating habits, and excercised and played with him more to save us both the trouble we've had.

 

I would have been nicer to my closest little sister, and kept her close.

 

I would never have gotten drunk while taking Prozac, then took someone else's vehicle for a ride.

 

I would have been more confident, and gone after the boys I wanted without worrying about rejection.

 

I would have come out of the closet much sooner, and told anyone with a problem to shove it up their ass.

 

I would have been less of a spoiled little teenage bastard at times; my mom didn't need some of the stress I gave her.

 

I would have gotten a job sooner, not bought a cell phone, and put back the money for something important.

 

I wouldn't have had sex with anyone, period, unless I was sure I loved them.

 

I would have been more mature and caring in my relationships with the people my age.

 

I would have absolutely refused to move to northern Mississippi.

 

I would have payed attention in Baxter White's math classes, taken my ACT, graduated early, and taken a year to earn some money and help my mom.

 

I wouldn't have let people push me around, lie to me, try to trick me into anything, or manipulate me.

 

I wouldn't have been friends with some of the people I was friends with, or I would have tried to set a good example for them.

 

I would have learned sooner that while it's important to stand up for myself, it's just as important to be able to smile and walk away after being called a faggot, and sometimes even add in "Only for you, baby."

 

I would have fought my band director tooth and nail for screwing me over on my chance to be a leader and do something important. By the way, the only year that band won the state championship was when I was head section leader; not once since.

 

I wouldn't have let adults assume they could tell me what to do just because I was younger than them, especially since I was much more competent and well adjusted than some of them.

 

 

 

 

I could go on and on and on for a very, very long time. There's a lot of things I would have done differently, and it sucks that I had to make the f**K up to know what I should have done. I'll know next time, but what's done is done and there's no reason to let it eat me alive.

 

I know I rambled. I can't place any single decision as best or worst. I've had no major lesson. There's been no sudden enlightenment. I have a lot of regrets, but I firmly believe that life is about making yourself happy and doing the right thing. I don't know... maybe the gradual decision to accept drug use as a replacement for dealing with my problems was the worst. The best? I haven't done a lot to be proud of.

[GaryKelly]

Mistakes are great teachers...provided you're a willing student. But one of the most important things about learning from mistakes is to recognize them as such...some people don't. As to hindsight, it doesn't mean looking over your shoulder.

[Mark_l]

Not too sure if i would change stuff in my life, would i be me if i made changes? i loved the movie butterfly effect because that is how i t hink of this question what would i change? if i changed things in my life would something worse have happened ? would i have changed things so that the path led to my death one day? would i be an inconsiderate dick who thought only of himself? its just hard to imagine what my life would be like if i went back and changed things, but of course there are things i wish were different,

 

i wish my sister had not died that kind of led to everything else, my mum getting mentally ill and dying my dad beating me and eventually dying and in between it led to alot of my issues that i am still trying to deal with BUT it also made me the person i am today, going through that crap makes me value life and people and the close friends i have now and i think that despite everything i turned out fairly ok but yeah i wish i hadn't lost my family i think my longing for them would always win out even if i knew i would be someone completely different so yeah that is really all i would change, my sister would have lived.

 

What have i learned? I have learned alot, i am still fairly young i guess but my life has been far from sheltered i have seen enough to learn things.

 

I have learnt that,

 

Everyone will hurt you esp those you love and those that love you,

 

Anger will destroy you more than the person your angry with,

 

You should take every opputunity to say i love you and avoid saying goodbye,

 

Your friends are the most important people, they are the family you choose to have and you would be lost without them,

 

It's ok to be me.

 

My worst descision? its a joint one has to be running away/ trying to kill myself.

 

My best? would have to be coming online and finding friends who became a family to me.

 

Mark

[eliotmoore]

I don't have a lot of regrets in my life. There are things I would have liked to have done differently, but if I did, then I wouldn't have the life I have now.

 

Overall, I have tried to be consistent, living ethically and as honestly as I could. If I could go back and do it again, I would have accepted my sexuality in my late teens, but then my life would be completely different to what I have now.

 

Having said that, I once said to my wife that we can't regret the things that could have been, ...

 

Nicely said Graeme. This resonates with my own life experience, where it has taken me and how I feel about it now.