So my hair has been alot of different colours in the past few years. In fact it's been practically every semi-natural (and a few unnatural ) colours. However, it's most typically been some shade of red or blonde. Well it was blonde till last week, quite an understated blonde at that. Well I thought, "why not liven it up?". Of course I can no longer do really wacky colours with the job I have, so naturally I went with red. Red with blonde hi-lites actually, and when I fix it up properly it sort of looks like something you'd see on an anime character. I quite like it. Unfortunately things have been pretty cruddy since I did it.

I think it's my birthday that's doing it. I mean true enough things at work have been kinda sucky lately...very sucky actually, but I think the over-riding thing has mostly just been my attitude, and I know that's related to the birthday thing. I hate, hate, hate getting older. I hate the passing of time in general. It really irks me when time seems to "fly". Days go by far to quickly, as do weeks and months for that matter, but a whole year? GRRRRRRR!

My birthday always pretty much symbolizes a new year for me. Much more than New Year's. New Year's has never really seemed like the start of a new year. It goes back to when I was a kid. To me as a school kid each grade was a new year. It seemed absurd that the new year would try to start right in the middle of the proper school year. No, a new year always began on the day I went back to school, and it always finished up the day before I started a new year at school. And of course having a birthday at the end of August always meant that my birthday tended to happen right at the start of a new year (indeed several of the schools around here are starting tomorrow on my birthday). As I got older it still made more sense for my birthday to be the new year. For one thing in college, school still tended to start around my birthday, and anyway it just makes sense to define things in terms of your own life, which is marked by a birthday.

So anyway, my birthday symbolizes me getting older ( ) and the passing of time in general ( ). Unfortunately these two things also pretty much come to symbolize absolutely every personal failure - real or perceived - that I can imagine. "It's a whole year later and I'm a whole year older and I still haven't done X, Y, and Z, and I'm still dealing with A, B, and C". I mean I think everyone - well maybe not everyone, maybe it is just me - has those moments where they just stop and think about all the things they haven't accomplished in their lives that they thought they would have by now, where they sort of realize "well, my dream to do ___ is looking pretty unrealistic now".

So let's sum up: my birthday symbolizes aging (something I feel so strongly negative about I won't even begin to go into right now), the passing of time in general, and all my failures and dashed dreams. It also symbolizes loneliness. I'm still not seeing anyone romantically and the majority of my close friends live in other states, and my closest Houston friend actually discussed suicide with me last night as a means of remedying getting older (he wasn't advising it, just coldly and rationally enumerating my options, but still...)

Anyone remember that episode of Queer As Folk when Brian was suicidal on his birthday and Michael finally shouted at him "You'll always be young and you'll always be beautiful!" It was a really awesome moment IMO. That's exactly what I'd like to hear. Well exactly what I'd like to believe. Only I wouldn't believe it. I mean it's obviously a lie. Everyone gets older, and most 90 year olds just aren't as hot as they were when they were 20. So I don't think anyone could ever really "always be young and always be beautiful". Don't get me wrong, I realize that what is probably implied here is that there's some sort of inner youth and beauty that will never go away, and I hope that's the case for me...but I'd still feel better if it were true in the superficial, literal way.

You know what else irritates me? The "So you seeing anyone?" question from people that haven't talked with you recently. I hate that question, I don't hate it as much as "How old are you?", but it's right up there with questions I'd happily never like to be asked again. I've always hated both questions. Literally for as long as I can remember I never taken kindly to people just bluntly asking me those questions. I think it's because I've never wanted to be viewed in terms of an age, and if I have to be viewed in terms of an age, that age would be 22 and I only got to be that age once in my life, so every other time in my life when someone's asked me how old I am I haven't particularly wanted to tell them. Similarly I don't need someone to "complete me" and I certainly don't need someone to complete me socially so I'm sick of that particular matter being one of the first ones people like to "politely" discuss.

I have no trouble telling people things about myself if I want to, so if I wanted someone to know how old I was I would steer the conversation in that direction. Same with having a significant other. I don't so much mind people asking those questions if it is semi-appropriate. Like tomorrow if people wish me Happy Birthday I accept that "How old are you?" will be a logical question (yet another reason to hate birthdays), but it really grates on me if we're discussing something completely differently and the next thing I know I'm fielding inquires about my age or dating status.

An old friend called me a couple of nights ago. We were friends in grade school, then we went to different high schools, lived in different towns, and went in completely different directions with our lives. Anyway we have very little in common. In fact we're fundamentally different kinds of people, and I think the chances of us striking up a friendship if we met as stranger now would be pretty much nil. Anyway, he's getting married now, I'm happy for him...although a bit concerned that he might ask me to be the best man. That would just be...ridiculous. I've never even met his bride-to-be, in fact I can't even recall her name. I haven't seen him in person in 3 or 4 years, and then it was only once, and we haven't stayed in touch at all. Does playing video games together ten years ago really count as a reason to ask someone to be your best man? Anyway if he asks...I'll accept graciously and attempt to throw him a fun bachelor party and be on hand for any support and advice that might be needed. *shrug*

Anyway, reason I brought it up was that of course during the course of the conversation he asked "So you seeing some little lady?" (no, I never bothered coming out to him, and why on earth should I have come out to him? Our friendship had basically ended long before I ever worked out my sexuality). Isn't that rude anyway? I mean calling to tell someone you're engaged and then prying into their romantic lives. It's a bit like calling to tell someone you've won the lottery and then asking "So you rich yet?". Fortunately he already knows how old I am so I know I'll dodge that question.

My dad called yesterday too. As far as conversations with my dad go it was a rip-roaring success. Actually I'm a terrible son where he's concerned. I'm a good son where my mother's concerned, but I'm a little S.O.B. where my dad's concerned. I know this. I feel guilty about this. I can't seem to help it. I don't really know why. I mean I certainly don't care that my parent's split up, I was too young to remember it and I had a very happy childhood, and by losing a close relationship with my father I gained TWO equally if not closer relationships with my grandparents. I don't think he's ever missed a birthday or Christmas. He hasn't really pried excessively, always made it known that he was available should I want to talk or even come and visit, and he's "reached out" in countless small ways. But, I've just never really been interested in having a relationship with him. I've just sort of taken all his efforts for granted and never given anything back.

Anyway during the course of the conversation he of course asked "So are you seeing anyone special?". He always asks this. Actually, as much as I still hate the question I recognize that he probably has a better reason than most to ask it. He always asks it right along with his questions of what I've been doing for fun, and if I've made enough friends in whatever new environment I tend to find myself in during our tri-annual talks (my birthday, his birthday, and Christmas, sometimes a random 3rd or 4th holiday). Anyway as someone with a degree in psychology I'm quite certain that he's primarily trying to make sure that I'm happy and not isolated. I am happy and not isolated, pity I've never told him that in so many words.

I've never come out to him either (again just someone from my past who isn't a very large part of my life anymore), but I think he must suspect judging by his choice of words, and and while I've never overtly come out to him I've certainly never tried to lead his thinking in the other direction. Anyway, I suppose he'd probably be okay with it. Just a hunch. In any case I don't think I care much either way...and he probably knows that as well.

Anyway, it is my birthday now, and I've probably rambled long enough. Feel free to wish me happy birthday; I won't bite your head off. Please don't tell me I'm still young, or that I've got nothing to complain about etc. It doesn't matter how young I am, I'm still getting older and I hate it, and I fully expect to only hate it more with each passing year. Actually I suspect I'll hate it less after about age 65 or so...you know, when I've given up completely on being young and beautiful (in the literal sense). I also realize I'm being a spoiled, self-centered, superficial, snotty brat. Oh well: my blog, my birthday, my business

Also, don't worry about me. I recognize that getting older is an unavoidable disappointment, but whenever anything bad happens my attitude is to go into damage control mode and then basically just to move on. And I will. I'll resolve to fight for my youth, health, and looks for as long as possible and I'll just go on.

Take care everyone, and may you all be young and beautiful forever,

Kevin