AFriendlyFace

YAY!!

Great article and topic, James! Thanks Personally speaking I adore sleep! I think it's one of the most positive experiences in life. I definitely notice myself experiencing negative emotional effects if I get less than 7 hours of sleep a night on consecutive nights. I'm usually OK if it happens on one night, but two or more in a row and that's it! I actually notice the physical and mental side-effects to a much lesser degree, but man do I am ever more prone to irritability, overly emotional reactions, general grumpiness, and sadness. On the other hand I tend to internalize these effects - which is easier on the people around me, but probably harder on me - so most of the time people don't even know I'm grumpy, sad, or emotional because all my remaining energy is going toward keeping up a pleasant, cheerful facade (if I don't I usually feel really guilty and it just perpetuates a bad cycle of negativity...yeah these are my issues :wacko: ) Anyway, I can just avoid all that by 7-10 hours and legitimately being cheerful and happy Personally speaking I've got a weird relationship with sleep. I almost never want to go to sleep, even though I know I'll enjoy it, I know I should do it, and I know I'll be able to do it once I try. Nevertheless, actually getting me into bed is difficult. Once I'm there I really don't have trouble falling asleep and I usually do it before I want to. I really like lounging in that relaxed, pre-state sleep, and I love my thoughts and emotions at this time. So I usually drift off before I'd like to. Once I'm asleep it's really difficult for me to get up. I've cancelled quite a few things that in retrospect I'd really have enjoyed doing (and I've similarly missed class or called in sick to work on more occasions that is strictly responsible ) because once I'm asleep virtually nothing seems as important or enjoyable as staying asleep. So for me it's a major labour to go to bed (physically) and a major labour for me to get up again. I know this sounds ridiculous but it's so bad that on a few occasions I've been jealous of people who can't sleep through the night because getting up truly is so difficult to me. There's practically no limit to how long I can sleep either. I've happily slept twenty-two and twenty-three hours before (and not while sick). If I don't have to get up, I almost never do it until I've had between 10-12 hours. Today for example I got up after ten (and was quite proud of myself for doing it). I felt perfectly rested, but going back to sleep was still really appealing. On most nights I actually get between about 6-8 hours which I figure is pretty healthy. Still, as I said, I'm grumpy if I slip below 7 so I try to make up for it by getting 8 or 9 the next night. It's when I can't get 8 or 9 the next night (due to business, never insomnia) that we have a problem. I also have a very pronounced preference for a 'delayed phase shift', which is standard for most people between about 12-25 which means that my body naturally wants to stay up late and sleep late as opposed to getting the same amount of sleep by going to bed early and getting up early. This is why schools, especially middle schools and high schools, starting before 8am is truly a disastrous idea in terms of both the quality of education and the health of our children. It's also very much responsible for much of the sleep deprivation that the majority of our teens experience. It happens because parents want to get their kids up and out the door at the same time that they're going to work, and most adults can go to bed and get up early, but adolescents and young adults truly do have different physiological needs and trying to cram them onto an adult (or early childhood) schedule is truly doing them a disservice. I personally think it's safe to say that this is a major factor in teen car accidents, health issues, and especially behavioural and emotional problems. It's no wonder that many teens are depressed or moody: they're sleep deprived! Take care all and get some sleep Kevin

That is cute, I haven't seen an animated/moving one around here for quite awhile now. Nifty

I completely and totally agree with everything in Duncan and Cynical's (LOL, I'm used to calling you hotchik! what would you like me to call you?) last posts! Also, regarding Duncan's statement about there not being enough visible, positive gay role-models out there I completely agree! I've also encountered this "guys are for sex, girls are for love" attitude on more than one occasion, and really it's no surprise given the way we, as a society, raise our boys. To help combat this, I think I'll go start a thread in the Lounge asking people to share their positive experiences of being in a gay relationship.

I agree with you, if anything it sounds like I take it a bit further. I'm irritated by representations of obvious (as opposed to the ambiguous we've discussed) representations of unsafe sex and I absolutely object to teens reading them.

I definitely agree with the comments made by everyone thus far, including and particularly Jamie and Nick. However, to me this sums it up: I don't think that he 'diffusion of responsibility' really does weaken any one person's responsibility - at least it shouldn't in principle. Of course in the examples Nick illustrated the road rage guy and the domestic abuse guy are definitely culpable. However, that doesn't mean that other didn't also play a role for which they too should be held accountable morally, and even legally in some cases. A simple analogy is if I go up to someone and say "hit me, hit me, hit me! What's wrong with you, you ***** are you too afraid to hit me?"....if that person eventually strikes me, yes they're still responsible and culpable. But does anyone rationally think I can claim a blameless, completely innocent and victimized stance? A wonderful article! Thank you, Nerotorb! I must confess that I hadn't researched this case as thoroughly as I should have and I was indeed taking it at face value. It was far more complicated than that (and really it was dim of me to assume it wasn't). It's so interesting in fact that if you don't mind I'll start a new discussion for this particular case in the Soap Box and link to that article. -Kevin

I agree, Steven. My main physical preferences are more physical criteria than racial. On the other hand some of that is, as a result, indirectly associated with race. For example Asians tend to have little body hair and often have a smaller build. Since a smooth body and small build are both physical preferences of mine it's no surprise that I'm often attracted to Asians. However, I find smooth, slender, average-to-shorter guys of all races about equally attractive based on those characteristics alone. Indeed blonds with these characteristics really turn my head

I quite agree, Francois! Well if we have any 19th century Danes viewing and posting in the forum....

I think that is the heart of the issue in this discussion. Personally speaking safe sex is something I feel very strongly about. mThat said I'm actually not sure if I've included a reference to condoms in all of my sex scenes. Not because they weren't there, but because in my safe-sex-every-time mind they were there and perhaps taken for granted. For example I wrote one quite long scene once that, upon completion, I realized didn't include an actual reference to orgasm. It included quite a bit of other stuff (including, if I recall correctly, a reference to condoms), but by the time it was 'wrapping up' I didn't feel the need to spell out the orgasm, but I thought it was certainly implied. I would expect my readers to assume that the characters came, just as I would expect them to assume that condoms are present even when they aren't explicitly mentioned (which in my sex scenes they usually are). More like a nightmare actually

Everyone's offered good advice, but I'd like to highlight this one: One of the worst, most off-putting mistakes I see authors make is either being excessively vulgar or excessively 'proper' and 'clinical'...honestly I don't know which one I find more of a turn-off, but as far as I'm concerned they're both big no no's I think to write a good sex scene an author should avoid making his/her reader feel as though they've just stepped into a sleazy back-ally OR like they're watching an anatomy teacher narrate. So how do you walk that ever important line? I don't think it should be particularly difficult for most people. Most of us don't walk around referring to body parts and bodily functions as though we're writing medical papers nor do we typically walk around swearing like drunken sailors and prostitutes. So don't try to sound too dirty or too proper and you'll probably be okay. Similarly try to avoid cheesy euphemisms. If you wouldn't normally call it "love juice", chances are many of your readers aren't going to be able to read it without giggling and/or rolling their eyes. People do use some vulgarity, some clinical terms, and some euphemisms in their everyday interaction with each other, so I'm not saying they're universally bad, but try to keep them reasonable. Personally speaking I don't think I include a lot of gratuitous sex in my stories, but I'm very comfortable writing a sex scene when it feels warranted. As Duncan also said, most of mine serve a specific purpose besides just the sex. For example my first chapter of Indefensible included two sex scenes and a masturbation scene, but that was to create parallelism between the story lines and highlight the different dynamics of the relationships and people involved. The next two chapters contain no sex at all (which is as far as I've written the story). Anyway, good luck Kevin

Fairly straightforward question, do you think people are ever culpable for someone else's actions? Can you really drive someone to do something? Should you ever receive blame for this? Be held accountable? I tend to think that first and foremost people are always responsible for their own actions. However, just because people are responsible for their own actions doesn't necessarily mean, in my mind, that no one else is as well. I think multiple people can be responsible for someone's actions. However, I don't usually think this a valid argument. It only applies in rare cases, and it doesn't let the doer out of their own personal culpability - it just adds someone else to the list of "people to blame for this". Actually, I think this is founded on a belief in the responsibility that everyone has for their own actions. I can't go around making someone's life miserable and then act blameless if he/she snaps and does something violent or suicidal. I did play a role in that. That person still made that decision and is still responsible for the actions themselves, but I can't, in my opinion, act like a blameless angel. I'm responsible for my actions as well and they led/pushed/pressured the person to do what they did. However, I think it's important to view this rationally and understand where the line is. If my best friend develops a drinking problem, I don't think it's fair to blame myself for not noticing the warning signs in time, or for not policing his actions and feelings. However, if my best friend has a drinking problem and a buy him a drink and he subsequently falls off the wagon then obviously I did play a role in that even though he made the final decision. So my answer is "Yes", but that it isn't usually the case, and that it almost never removes culpability from the person doing the primary action (it's still their fault, it just might be someone else's too to some degree). Thoughts and opinions? -Kevin

Hmm, This reminds me of a date I once had. It was shortly after I moved to Houston and I'd met this guy at Pride. I thought he was really cute so we traded numbers. So he calls me and asks me if I want to go with him to this comedy club. I accept. So first off, shortly after we get there we're chatting with a couple of other guys, and they make some remark about find girls to sleep with (not really a polite remark), to which my date pulls me close and replies that "we don't need that we've got each other." Now I'm certainly not a fan of being in the closet, but that method of coming out struck me as overly confrontational and designed to make the straight guys uncomfortable (which it did). I also didn't care for the presumption that we'd be having sex later. I'm certainly no prude, but I didn't find it very romantic or thoughtful that he decided to announce his expectation of having sex with me to a room full of strangers (he didn't get any by the way ). Once the show started I became absolutely mortified...he began heckling the performers. To make matters even worse he was heckling the black performers with racist/semi-racist remarks I'm about the least racist person I know, so this did not go over well at all. I eventually said that I wanted to leave (you know before everyone decided to jump the racist, white boy f****ts ) After we left he spent the next hour or so talking about the ex he wasn't over. I guess that was perhaps my worst date. On the other hand, I foresee many years of dating ahead of me, so I'm optimistic that I'll eventually have one to top this

Dude, I reeeeally think she knows Even if I'm wrong though I think you're pretty safe. Anthropology majors tend to be pretty awesome in this regard. Apart from which your conversation reminds me somewhat of a typical convo between myself and my close lesbian friend Claire (not that I'm insinuating that your sister is a lesbian). In fact she was the first person I came out to, and our conversation didn't go completely unlike yours. Good luck, Robbie -Kevin

Oh wow! This is so wonderful!!! Congrats to you both! I'm so happy for you guys You'll have to let us know all about it when you get back Best wishes for an even longer and happier life together!!! -Kevin

I'm irritated by the tourist thing but I found this much more repulsive:

My goodness! What a horrible case of discrimination! I'm so glad the court ruled in his favour! My driving record is good. I've never been in an accident. I have on the other hand accrued quite a few tickets of various types. However, I maintain that I was not engaging in reckless or dangerous activity at all. I was simply not adhering to rules that I didn't consider applicable in the circumstance. Obviously I must be at least partially right since, as I said, I've never been involved in an accident of any kind.

LOL, I so localized on the net. I come here and then just do stuff like pay my bills, (occasionally) check email, and do research. I don't do the facebook, myspace, or Digg thing at all. They all seem cool, and I keep saying "Oh I'll do that eventually"...never do though. Can't seem to find the time.

Those sorts of tattoos are pretty hot! Nifty designs Kurt and Michelle

I almost hate to speculate for fear that I might make a false supposition and inadvertently offend someone; however, I would assume that these people have some feelings of identification with the non-biological gender, but for whatever reasons don't come out as transgendered and approach things from that perspective. On the other hand, ostensibly the cases I referenced above weren't directly related to gender issues. It's generally thought that Dr. Barry and Billy Tipton were mainly doing it so that they could pursue their interests and passions and still be respected and successful in a 'man's profession'. As for the case with my friend...I don't really know well enough to speculate on the validity of the claim, but the story is that she was just 'playing around' and when she met my friend she became interested and had to keep up the charade. It would make for a good story. I'd probably be more inclined to attack it from the other angle and have it be a guy who decides to do drag, meets a nice 'straight boy', falls in love, and has to deal with that sort of juggling act, etc. ...On the other hand it sorta sounds like that recent movie "She's the Man"

I read a story in which the two main characters got matching tattoos with each other's names as their 'symbol'. I thought that was pretty cute and sweet. I wouldn't do it myself, but it's a nice idea.

A good point, Frosty. Personally I marched in the parade carrying a big sign that said "Being gay is the best thing that ever happened to me" with the two male symbols interlocking around an exclamation point. I admit that's a bit of an 'in your face' approach, but at the same time I don't think I'm really that pushy about my sexuality on a daily basis. Also, it was lovely all the warm responses I got with my sign: lots of cheers, random hugs, people running up from the sidelines to snap a quick picture posing with me and the sign. It was quite nice I definitely recommend marching in one to any gay person looking for a fun, affirming time

Isn't this what people refer to as being "double jointed"?

Upon reflection I realized just how many Asians I've been with. The more surprising thing to me though was that in terms of numbers I've actually seen more Hispanics than whites or blacks. Of course I attribute that to my location and my general non-biased approach to dating, sex, and romance. For these reasons alone I think I'll make a slight effort to date a Caucasian or African American the next time. Don't want to fall into the same old patterns and miss something great. On the other hand if a terrific Asian or Latino comes around I certainly won't say "sorry, you guys have had your turn"

Which story, Eric? I originally found my here via The Ordinary Us.

Happy birthday, dude! It's a pleasure having you around the forum! Have a fantastic day and a terrific year! -Kevin