Second Shot - 47. Chapter 47: Do You Still Love Me?

Standing opposite the futon, Jason shifted his weight from foot to foot, staring at Peter. Hunched over his text book, Jason was invisible to him, as if the most important thing to focus on was his studying material. Littered with books and papers, there was no place for Jason to sit, even if he felt welcome. They needed to talk, a real conversation, not a fight.

Slinking toward the shelves, he found the volume on the iPod player and turned it way down. REM had a habit of making him feel moody. Peter's foot tapping only made worse Jason's sense of transparency. Everything commanded Peter's attention except for him.

"Why, Pete?"

"Why, what?"

Even that didn't earn him a look, twisting Jason's stomach into a ball. "All I asked was if you wanted to go out and you're mad.”

Casual, like an internal shrug accompanied them, Peter spoke. "Why do we always have to go out? Can't we stay in some nights?"

Memories of past argument came spinning back, making Jason dizzy.

"Pete, I'm not going to have this argument again." Keeping his eyes on Peter, Jason hoped he would turn and see the frustration in Jason's face. Did Peter see the pattern in the way they were together the last two weeks? If Jason proposed something, Peter complained they spent too much time together. But if he didn't suggest something, Peter was upset that Jason didn't want to do anything with him. He couldn't handle it anymore.

When Peter finally looked over, there was nothing but annoyance in his expression. "Fine, let's not."

Sadness and regret flooded his entire body as he searched for even a flicker of the love he used to see in Peter's face. Seeing none, he closed his eyes to hold back the tears. When he opened them, Peter was back to his book. He turned the page, eyes moving as he read.

"I'm going to go, but I want to say something first." Jason swallowed, he had to do this or else it would keep going. "Things are different lately. We fight more, you never seem happy around me, and it is a struggle to see you anymore. You always need some time apart, and I don't understand why."

"So you still think I'm cheating on you?" The accusatory way he warped what happened three days ago only reinforced Jason's resolve.

"No." At least he didn't have to lie. He really didn't think Peter had cheated. "I think you don't love me anymore."

There, he got it out, finally. He held his breath, waiting with a nervous acidic flare rising up his throat for Peter's reaction. He stared at the cover of the book, willing it to lower. Wishing for Peter's shocked face, shaking his head about to deny it.

For a couple heartbeats, there was no reaction. Casually, Peter lowered the book and made eye contact. "If I don't love you, why am I still with you?"

Some of the anger drained from his voice. There was something there that Jason couldn't explain. His mouth was so dry now, he almost couldn't speak.

"I don't know. Maybe you remember what we were like before the attack, maybe you feel obligated or maybe you just want me to end it." Fighting the urge to look away, he made sure Peter saw his face. He needed to see just how much Jason still cared. "I'm not going to end it Pete, I can't. I still love you as much as when we first said it to each other. More really. I know this has been a hard time for you, but I don't think that's the problem. If you don't love me, I can make this easy for you. Just tell me it's over, and I'll let go."

"You want me to end it? Is that what you want?" Peter looked up, doubt in his eyes.

For a moment, Jason thought he would get up, come over, take his hand like he used to when Jason was upset. When he stopped just short of getting up, Jason shook his head.

"No, I want you to be honest with yourself and with me. If you don't love me anymore, I can't change how you feel. Either you still love me or you don't, I can't make you."

Jason struggled to find a clue, something, anything to relax him, or even to confirm his worst fears. Not knowing churned his insides into a flurry. The impulse to vomit was strong. He swallowed down on it.

"Sorry, Pete, I can't help it, I still love you. If you're doing this to get me to walk away, it won't work. I can't. As unhappy as I am, I still hope we'll fix things, fix us. But I feel like everything I do to make things right just makes you more unhappy and I don't want that either."

Peter swallowed hard. "You don't think I love you, so you want me to end it because you say you can't? That's such bullshit."

No it wasn't, it was the only thing left he hadn't tried. "You haven't said you still love me."

Anger flashed in Peter's eyes before he dropped his gaze and slumped back a little. "No, I haven't."

Three words, the wrong three words, spoken so softly, broke Jason's heart.

"Pete, look." Jason struggled with what to say next. If he made it too easy, he knew Peter might end it; exactly what he didn't want. How could he make Peter understand? "If you don't love me, I can't change that. I want to, desperately, but I can't. Trying to make you love me won't work. All I'll do is make you miserable and that won't help. Every day you move further and further away. It's breaking my heart losing you, but I know it's happening. I've tried everything I can think of to fix us, but it seems whatever I do only makes it worse.

"You don't owe me anything, but I'm asking for a favor." He held a deep breath. This was it, he had to do it now or he never would. "I can't let go, I just can't. I love you too much. If you don't love me, if you don't want to be with me anymore, please tell me. Hearing it from you won't change how I feel, but I'll accept that it's over. My heart may not be able to let go, but I'll go quietly and leave you alone."

"If you feel that way, why don't you break up with me?"

"I don't want to break up, but I don't know what you're feeling anymore." Jason could feel tears forming at the edges of his eyes. "What I want is for you to hold me again and say you love me and mean it. I want you to smile when you see me, laugh when we are together, tell me you can't wait to see me."

"Then why do you want me to say it is over."

He wasn't listening. God, what happened? Peter always understood their relationship better than him. Suddenly, inexplicably, he lost his ability to feel them. This was their problem, and Jason couldn't fix that. A lone tear rolled slowly down his cheek, quickly wiped away. "I don't want you to say, 'it's over.' I keep saying I want us to be right again. What I'm asking is for you to be honest with yourself and with me."

Peter' eyes looked watery, as he leaned back further against the futon. "And if I do that what do you want me to say?"

"The truth. Whatever it is." He tried not to cry, it wasn't going to help. Still, the pressure kept building behind his eyes.

Peter looked at the floor for a while. "The truth is I don't know. I remember what we had, what you've done for me, what you still do for me, I see how much you love me even when I'm being an asshole. Despite all that, I can't seem to find my way back there. I want to Jase, really I do."

"But you can't," Jason added. It was over. If he couldn't do it, what was left? Pain he'd only felt once before froze his entire body. When his knees almost gave out, he sat on the floor.

"Sometimes I feel like it's good and the next I'm frustrated again." Peter struggled to speak. "Truth is, I haven't ended it because I know I don't really want to."

"That's honest," Jason replied, fighting to keep his voice steady. "I appreciate that."

"Jason, I don't want to hurt you." Peter started to tear up which was weakening Jason's resolve. "I don't know what to do anymore. Part of me wants you to end it, so I can blame you for it, but I know that's not right. Even if you said, 'it's over,' it would still be because of how I treated you, still my fault."

"Sorry, Peter, I can't do that, I can't leave you. I still love you too much." Jason sniffed. "I know it's not good for me, but I can't leave. I never lied to you when I said I loved you. Maybe I'm stupid, but I can't end it when I still love you, not unless you say it's over."

"Would my breaking up with you really end it?"

"It would mean it was over, it won't change how I feel," Jason explained. "I'm not sure when that'll happen."

Again, Peter didn't respond. Jason pressed back against the wall, staring at Peter, waiting for him to say something. Just when he was about to get up and go, Peter said, "Truth is, I don't know what I want. A part of me thinks we should break up, but a bigger part of me wants us to be right again. I just need some time alone to sort this out."

Time apart meant it was over. "I guess that's fair."

Through tears he stared at Peter, realizing it was probably the last time he would be here. Like a hand squeezing his heart, his chest seized and he couldn't hold back. "Actually, no, it's not fair. Time apart, Pete, means it's over. You know that and so do I. All that does is make sure you don't break up with me in person."

Wiping his eyes with his sleeve, Peter shook his head. "Jason, you asked me to be honest with you and myself. That was as honest as I can be . . . ." Sniffing, he used his hand to brush away more tears. "I . . . I remember what we had and I want it back. Right now it's not there, but I still know what it felt like. I can't point to anything you did or didn't do that makes it hard for me to feel that way again. You're still the same great guy I fell in love with. I really just need some time to figure out what's going on."

"Don't break up with me over the phone or by text," Jason said, pleading through his own tears. "At least say good bye in person."

"Jason, I'm not saying it's over. I want so bad to say, 'I love you, let's be happy again.' But I also can't promise that with time I won't decide to say goodbye."

"Do it in person, please. If you feel anything for me, at least let me say goodbye." Jason asked again. "As you can tell from what I said tonight, I'm prepared to let you go without a scene. Just understand this please; I don't want you to go. Even if you break up with me, I'll still love you. It's because I love you so much that I won't make it hard for you. I also know if I try to force you to stay it won't work. You have to want to. That's why if you don't love me or want to be with me, I'm asking you to let go."

Tears flowed down Peter's cheek and he made no attempt to stop them. Jason felt his walls collapse as drops rolled off his chin. "Sorry, Pete, I tried not to cry. I know it only makes it worse."

"Jase, I never lied to you when I said, 'I love you.' I just don't know what's happening lately. I'm so angry and frustrated. I know it's not you, but I can't figure out what. Give me some time to think it through, please?"

Sniffing, Jason wiped his face and tried to force a smile. "I have no choice. Whatever you decide, I'll still love you. So do what's right for you. If you don't, it'll only hurt me more."

He stood up and walked toward the door. It took every ounce of will not to run back to kiss him goodbye. It wouldn't make leaving any less painful. If it was over, it was over and he needed to find a way to move on. How he would do that, he didn't know.

In what seemed to be an all too frequent sequence, Jason kept an ear perked for sounds Peter was coming after him. This time he knew Peter wasn't coming. There wouldn't be a late night call, a tap on the window, no asking to see him. No matter that Peter didn't say the words, it was over.

Getting into his car, it was still warm. He hadn't been upstairs long enough for it to get cold. One last look at the dingy door he knew so well before backing out. As he turned to back out, he saw the outline of the game ball the team had signed when Peter was in hospital. He still hadn't moved it from the back and given it to its true owner... Pulling onto the main road, he turned west, away from campus.

Better deal with it now, rather than later.

**

Checking twice to be sure he had the right house, Jason knocked on the door. It looked like so many others on the block it was hard to tell if this was it or not.

"Jason." Amanda greeted him when she opened the door. "What are you doing here?"

He held out the game ball the team signed when Peter was in the coma. "This was actually meant for you not Peter. When I tried to give it to you, Betsy was there and I didn't want to make everyone uncomfortable. Peter and I kept meaning to bring it over, but we always left it in the car."

Rather than take the ball, she invited him inside. Going into the house, Peter's house, wasn't what he intended. Rather than be rude, he came in.

"I can't stay long, I need to get back to my apartment." A lie, but better than the truth.

"Why are you doing this now?" She gave him the same penetrating look he experienced during Peter's hospitalization. When she knew something was wrong, this is what she did.

Much as he wanted to, he couldn't lie to her. Never mind, he couldn't think of a good lie on the spot, it didn't feel right deceiving her. She'd find out soon enough anyway.

"Peter and I are not doing well." Swallowing twice, he struggled to keep his emotions under control. "I expect he'll tell me it's . . . We're . . . over. Once that happens, I'm not sure I'll feel right coming here. Even to give you this."

"What do you mean? Why is Peter breaking up with you?" Amanda surprised him with how calm she was.

Drawing a deep breath, he felt himself calm down some. "I don't think he loves me anymore. Something's changed, and neither of us can figure it out."

"He loves you, Jason, he's just having a difficult time getting his life back since the attack." Her face betrayed what Jason knew; it was still hard to talk about what happened.

"No, Mrs. G, it's more than that." Hearing how sad and almost pathetic he sounded, Jason tried to sound less hurt. "We talked about it tonight. He admitted he doesn't feel the same about me anymore. I'm not mad, I can't be. It hurts so much, but I can't be mad. If he doesn't love me, I have to let him go."

"You're being rather clinical about this." Her words seemed more shocked than reproachful. "Why don't you fight to keep him if you still love him?"

Refusing to meet her stare, he turned away and focused on the picture of Peter, Amanda and Erin they took in August. "I've tried, but it hasn't helped. Not sure what else to do. You can't make someone love you and you can't make someone stay in love with you. As much as I want to keep trying, I know that won't help keep us together. The more I tried, the more he said I smothered him."

Exhaling, he let out a small sigh that forced him to close his eyes tight. "The only . . . the problem is, my feelings haven't changed. I can't be the one to say it's over."

"I'm sorry, Jason, I really am." She appeared on the verge of tears.

"It's okay, Mrs. G. It's not like he's doing this deliberately." The last impression she had of him was not going to be him blaming Peter. "I think his feelings changed a while ago, and he's stayed with me this long out of a sense of obligation."

"Jason, you did so much for him, I know he appreciates it." For the barest of moments, she looked like she was going to get up. Instead she sat back, nodding slowly. "You helped him keep his apartment, stay in school, drove him everywhere he needed. Peter said you got a part time job to pay your dad back. I'll make sure we pay back for every cent you spent on Peter."

"No!" Jason said quickly. "I can't . . won't, accept any money for what I did. That would mean I never really loved him."

"Jason, that's absurd."

He nearly smiled at how she spoke to him like he was her son. "Think of it this way. If we'd never broken up, paying me back wouldn't be an issue. To only have it become one after we break up means it was only done when there was something in it for me. That would ruin it in my eyes, and I don't want that. I still love him so much. The memories are all I'll have left. I don't want anything to spoil them."

"Oh, Jason." Finally she stood up and put her arms around him. "I wish I could fix this."

Hugging her back, he said, "You can't, but you've already done so much for me. I hope that no matter what happens, you'll always think well of me. I know I'll never forget you."

"Jason, I don't know what to say." Now she was crying. "Peter's my son, but I hate to see you hurt like this."

"Don't worry, Mrs. G, I'm not going to make a scene. If he ends it, I'll leave you all alone. I'm resigned to what'll happen."

Sniffing, she looked at him with a deep sadness. "That sounds rather tragic."

"It's been so hard the last month that I needed to do something. I couldn't find a way to fix it, so I decided I needed to confront Peter with what I knew to be the truth." Reliving the conversation he and Peter had made his heart skip, but he pressed on. "Before I could do that, I needed to be sure I could accept him telling me it was over. It breaks my heart to think about my life without him, but if we can't be happy together, we shouldn't be miserable. At least we'll have a chance to be friends this way, once we put some time between us."

"You still love him." Amanda's words were not a question.

"As much as ever." Now he was tearing up, something he desperately wanted to avoid. "I don't want to destroy that by having it end badly."

"It sounds to me, Jason, that you've tried to do all you can. Perhaps Peter will recognize what he has and work to fix this." She gave him a hug, kissing him on the cheek. "Don't be a stranger, no matter what. You were a tremendous blessing when I needed it most. I'll always be happy to see you."

Jason smiled. "Thank you. That means a lot to me."