Shades of Gray - 11. Chapter 11 What is Love anyway?

He sat there at a total loss. A loss of words and thought as he watched his boyfriend...well that is, if they were still boyfriends, at this point he wasn't sure. They were, however if he had any say in it, but it appeared he had no 'say so' at all. The ride back to the hotel was quiet. Kaleb sat with his earbuds in his ears, music so loud even Chase could hear it as he stared out the window. This time there was no caressing... no talking.

Kaleb hadn’t spoken two words to him since he walked in on the tail end of the conversation between him and Scott. Kaleb informed him he was ready to eat and if looks could kill both he and Scott would be dead right now. The look Kaleb gave him was unreadable, yet full of emotion. Chase wasn’t sure he fared better; the stare Scott received was served ice cold, leaving no room for speculation.

But what really had him confused was that Kaleb was being his same kind, cordial self to everyone at the house, except for Chase that is, even insisting they eat together. That was a joke. Chase chuckled humorlessly to himself. He had to force down every bite along with the lump that kept getting caught in his throat, while Kaleb, on the other hand sat there as cool as a cucumber. He wouldn’t let him explain, and whenever Chase tried, all he got was “Not now, or we’ll talk later.” Talk later, what the hell was that supposed to mean…that was over two hours ago.

So here, he sat on the edge of the bed with heartburn and indigestion watching and patiently waiting for the chance to plead his case. Watching Kaleb was like watching an enigma in motion. Just when he thought he had him figured out, he shiftes gears. Chase smiled sheepishly and jumped to his feet as Kaleb stepped out of the closet with his towel tossed over his bare shoulder wearing only a pair of boxer brief. He had undressed and hung up his suit before heading to the bathroom to shower. This not talking was sheer torture.

"Kaleb...” Chase reached out, but he sidestepped him, closing the door just as Chase stepped up to it. "Damn it.” He sighed, roughly dragging his hand down his face. He stood in front of the door and took a deep breath trying to gain some composure.

"Kaleb. We need to talk.” He spoke pleasantly through the crack.

"Not now...” He heard Kaleb say.

"No, Kaleb… now.” He replied trying to add some authority and volume to his voice.

"In a minute...” Kaleb yelled before Chase heard the lock on the door click.

"Did you just lock the door!?” Chase yelled even as he attempted to open it.

"Yes..."

"Fuck...” Chase sighed above a whisper.

"Don't curse at me!"

"I'm not, Kaleb. But it’s been over two hours and you're killing me here.” Chase yelled back. "Unlock the door please....” He rested his weary head against it. He lifted it quickly when he heard the water running. "Kaleb!” He protested.

"Kaleb...If you don't open this door right I'm going to bust it down!” He threatened. He knew he was being overly dramatic, but then again so was Kaleb. He tried being patient with him and that got him nowhere. Moreover, he had no intentions on busting down the door, but then again he was getting desperate and desperate situations required desperate measures. He could have waited for Kaleb to finish his shower, sure, but he didn't want to…He wanted to talk now.

"If you bust in the door, the hotel will add the cost to repair it onto our bill.” Kaleb pointed out nonchalantly.

"I don't care."

"Well I'm not paying for it, I don't care how much money you think I have!” There it was. It was all about the money just as he figured.

"Kaleb. It was all a misunderstanding, and if you stop acting like a child and let me...” The water immediately stopped and soon Chase heard the door unlock. "Acting like a child...I'll have to remember that.” Chase thought to himself with a triumphant grin. He stepped back as the door swung open and Kaleb appeared with his arms crossed over his chest and a deep frown formed on his lips.

"I'm not a child.” He huffed angrily. He was even more gorgeous when he was mad and it was all Chase could do to keep a smile from bubbling forth.

"Then stop acting like one.” He smirked with an arched brow. "And talk to me.” He said with pleading in his tone as he reached for Kaleb's arm. He attempted to pull him forward but Kaleb didn't budge. "What?"

"Is it true? Did you say you would be my boyfriend because of my money?” He asked directly.

Chase shook his head with a confirming No "Absolutely not.” He stated without hesitation. Kaleb released the breath he was holding. "Come here.” Chase nodded toward the bed. "We really need to talk. I have a confession to make.” He pressed his lips together tightly as he took Kaleb's hand into his own.

"A confession?"

"Yeah.” Chase sat down on the end of the bed pulling Kaleb onto his lap. He wrapped his arms around his cool body and softly kissed him on the shoulder. "First off. I don't like the silent treatment. If you have a problem with me, or we have a situation to deal with not talking is not the answer.” He eyed him stringently.

"I wasn't trying to make you mad or upset you.” Kaleb defended. “I just didn't want to cause a scene in front of your family and friends.” He explained. "Helen always said you never air your private matters in public, so...” He shrugged, "I figured we would wait till we got back here."

"Wow...” Chase chuckled. “I actually agree with her, this time". “But you're better than me. I don't think I could have waited that long.” He admitted honestly. "Still being selfless…” He tilted his head slightly and smiled. “Thank you for that.”

"You're my boyfriend. I have to take care of you and a part of that is not embarrassing you in public, not to mention make me look like a fool."

"Yeah...” Chase sighed reflectively. "But that wasn't exactly the confession I wanted to make.” He admitted while taking a deep breath. "Kaleb, I find you amazing and probably the most sincere and honest person I know.” He stressed as he shifted Kaleb on his lap. "It comes easy for you."

"Okayyy...” Kaleb replied slightly confused.

"The truth is Scott has been a part of my life for the past two years and...”

"He was your boyfriend before me.” Kaleb stated more than asked.

"No... Well.” Chase sighed thinking how easy it would be to tell his version of their relationship, but truth be told there were always two sides to every story and he wanted to be honest with Kaleb, he deserved that. "I guess that depends on who you ask.” Chase replied honestly.

"So if I asked Scott, he would say yes...maybe?” Kaleb questioned as he slid off Chase's lap and sat down beside him. He turned so they were facing each other.

"It's possible, but...” He sighed. “I never committed to anything.” As if that justified his actions over the past two years. "I said that to say, what you walked in on was not about you directly. He's upset with me and..."

"I don't like him."

Chase laughed softly as he placed his hand on Kaleb’s knee and nodded. "And that's okay.” He assured him. "But what you walked in on was me being sarcastic, being a smart ass at your expense and for that I'm sorry.” Chase apologized attempting to make eye contact.

"It's okay.” Kaleb replied giving Chase's hand a gentle squeeze.

"No... That’s just it. It's not okay.” Chase took a deep breath before combing his fingers through his hair. "You see.” He sat up straight. “Up until that moment.” He paused reflectively. “The moment I turned around and saw the look in your eyes, I didn’t realized how much you meant to me and, I also realized wasn't being a very good boyfriend.” He lowered his head, "I don't know.” He frowned chiding himself while chewing on the inside of his cheek. "Everything is happening so fast and I find myself questioning it."

"Why?"

"Because it doesn't make sense to me. It's not logical."

"Who says it has to be logical...why does it have to be logical?” Kaleb questioned.

"I don't know. I'm a thinker... I rationalize things. It’s what I do…who I am; it has to make sense in order for me to comprehend."

"It makes sense to me.” Kaleb offered honestly.

Chase looked up and smiled as he reached for Kaleb's face cupping it gently in the palm of his hand. "I know it does. I love that about you. You see things so differently...You make it seem so…so simple."

"No... You make it sound so complicated.” Kaleb countered. "You and the rest of world. It's not that hard."

“Isn’t it?” Chase questioned cynically.

“No it’s not…” Kaleb nodded with assurance. “The way I see it, people are too overly concerned with how it looks, how long it’s been or what everyone will say or think.” He explained with a slight shrug.

“Um.” Chase nodded in an agreement as he scooted closer to Kaleb closing the space between. He listened in fascination to Kaleb’s reasoning and, what he was saying was totally true. People as a whole needed approval, needed to know that what they were doing was the right thing according to “standards.”

“I know what I want and how I feel.” Kaleb continued. “And my feelings don’t scare me. My wants outweigh any fear I might have.” He admitted honestly. “I love you…”

Chase’s heart stopped mid beat before Kaleb could finish and suddenly the room was void of air. “Kaleb…” Chase interrupted trying to find his voice. He wasn’t sure what he was going to say, however, Kaleb’s confession caught him by surprise.

“You don’t have to say it back.” Kaleb assured him. “This is about my feelings, not yours and I don’t have a problem with expressing them.” He smiled. Chase nodded slowly. He wanted to say it was too soon for Kaleb to know how he felt for sure, but then he would be validating Kaleb’s argument, and insulting him. This was heavy stuff. Stuff Chase wasn’t sure he was ready to deal with at the moment.

“Kaleb. I…I don’t know…”

“Shhh….” He placed two fingers gingerly to Chase’s lips silencing him. “I didn’t tell you I loved you for you to say it back to me.” He stressed again. “Me loving you is not contingent upon you loving me back. I can’t help it. It’s what you do to me. Its how you make me feel.” He tilted his head shyly. “I love that you make me feel a part of something. That you don’t treat me like a child the way everyone else does. You don’t talk down to me as if I’m stupid.”

“You’re far from it.” Chase smiled. “And the more I’m with, you the more I’m convinced…You’re perfect and certainly too good for me.”

“Noooo…” Kaleb laughed.

“Yeah you are.” Chase retorted. “But I’m not letting you go.” He smiled. “I just wish I could see things the way you do. See them through your eyes.” Chase sighed dejectedly. “Can you promise me something?”

“What?”

“That you’ll be patient with me?” Chase asked as he brought Kaleb’s fingers to his lips. “I’ve fallen for you hard and it’s scaring the shit out of me, but you’re right it does feel good.” Chase admitted more to himself. “I need you to walk me through this. Can you do that?”

Kaleb nodded and smiled as he leaned forward bringing their lips together tenderly. Chase gasped slightly at the feel of Kaleb’s mouth brushing against his own. Kissing him was like nothing he’d ever experienced. A kiss wasn’t just a kiss when their mouths met. The adrenaline rush made Chase dizzy and his heart pound uncontrollably deep within his chest leaving him breathless. He wondered if Kaleb felt it too as he desperately reached behind his head forcing him close, demanding more of his lips, craving his taste. His tongue slipped past slightly parted lips deepening the kiss.

Kaleb wrapped his arm around Chase’s waist and held on as Chase lowered them back on the bed. Kaleb scooted up toward the pillows; their bodies tangled together, awkwardly, yet moving in unison. Chase pulled back breaking the kiss. He rose up while urgently unbuttoning his shirt even popping one off, sending it flying across the room. Kaleb looked like an angel, his head resting against the pillow, his soft curls framing his face. There was a look of lust in his eyes as he watched Chase undress in front of him. Chase struggled to free himself from the confines of his clothing, his lips starting to cool and that was unacceptable.

Chase lowered his body on top of him, his mouth hungrily seeking out Kaleb’s. His lips reached Kaleb’s jaw line peppering his face, neck, and shoulders with kisses until he reached his lips again. He forced his arm under Kaleb’s lean body pulling him flesh against him. Soft moans filled the air. Chase’s hardness pressing against Kaleb’s screaming to be released as their bodies teased each other.

Breathing was now a chore. The excitement coursing through Chase’s body was on overload. He dropped his hand down to the waistband of Kaleb’s briefs tugging on the elastic until his hand was inside. He forced his hand past Kaleb’s hipbone, his fingers getting tangled in the soft hairs that trailed down, getting thicker the closer he got to….

“Wait…” He thought he heard Kaleb whisper in his ear. Surely he didn’t. He continued his descent feeling Kaleb’s body respond to his touch. It was clear he wanted this too. It wasn’t until he felt Kaleb’s hand grabbed his own, that he stopped.

“What?” Chase questioned breathlessly.

“Are we about to…you know?” Kaleb asked shyly.

“Um….” Chase sighed not sure how to answer that question. ‘Was he moving too fast? Did he mistake Kaleb’s body language? Shit!’ He berated himself. “Ummm…” He hummed as he rose up on his arms staring down at him searching for the correct answer.

“I have something if we are.” Kaleb said even as he slid his body from beneath Chase’s.

“What?” Chase rested on his elbow combing his fingers through his hair with frustration. He watched questioningly as Kaleb disappeared over the side of the bed franticly searching out his backpack that was on the floor.

“Wait…Don’t move.” He called back over his shoulder.

“Okayyy…” Chase sighed glancing down at his abandoned erection. After a few seconds, Kaleb reappeared.

“I have something for us. I ordered it last week.” He stated as he excitedly unzipped his backpack. Chase sat back resting his head against the wall. Any inkling of sex tonight just went out the window. He chuckled to himself as he watched Kaleb. It was as if one minute they were on fire, about to have hot passionate sex to….Wait.

“Here…” Kaleb pulled out a book from his Spiderman backpack.

“What’s this?” Chase asked still trying to catch his breath. He turned the book over to read the title. “The gay man’s Kama Sutra?” He questioned with an arched brow.

“Yeah…I ordered the video too.” Kaleb replied candidly, as he dug deeper into his backpack. “Here it is.” He waved it in the air excitedly. Chase set the book down on his lap as he reached for the video.

“And a video.” Chase chuckled in amusement while scratching the side of his head. He set the video down and picked up the book again flipping through the pages.

“Umhumm…” Kaleb said still slightly distracted as he continued to search in his backpack. “Wait I have more.”

“And he has more.” Chase announced in amusement. “Wait. Have you had this inside your backpack all along?” Chase questioned as he focused on one of the pages that captured his attention.

“Yep…” He answered coolly. He glanced up noticing Chase turning the book sideways. “It comes with illustrations too.” He offered. “Here...” He tossed over a box of condoms before pulling out the lubricant.

“Shit…” Chase laughed as he caught the box. “Condoms too... Why, Kaleb, were you planning on seducing me?” He teased.

“I figured we should be prepared.” He stated simply as he scooted next to Chase. He picked up the video reading the back. “I’ve never had sex before and I want to be ready.” He stated casually with a simple shrug of the shoulder. Chase smiled admiringly at his young boyfriend before pulling him close. He was indeed the lucky one. Kaleb was truly adorable, and this adorable man had committed himself to him. Kaleb trusted him and Chase took that trust seriously.

“You wanna read or watch the video?” Kaleb asked.

“Ummm….it’s up to you.”

“Let’s do both.” Kaleb replied as he slid off the bed taking the video with him. It was like watching a kid opening up a new toy. Kaleb tore off the plastic wrapper and slid the DVD from its case before placing it inside the DVD player.

“Why not…” Chase chuckled humorously as he glanced around the room for the remote. This was a first for him, but then again so was Kaleb. He watched as Kaleb pressed play on the player before crawling back to him. Chase welcomed him into his arms while scooting over making room for him.

“This is going to be cool.” Kaleb grinned as he snuggled into Chase’s embrace. He grabbed the book flipping through the pages while Chase was more intrigued with the video.

“Hum…” Chase hummed rubbing his finger under his chin in thought. This was almost like watching porn.

“Look…” Kaleb placed the open book in front of Chase blocking his view of the television. “Can we try that?” He asked with excitement. Chase couldn’t help but laugh. Not only was the situation comical in itself, but Kaleb was actually serious.

“We can try any and everything you want.” He smiled before placing a kiss on his lips. Kaleb puckered just slightly returning the kiss though his attention was focused on what he was viewing.

“I’m not sure about this though.” He turned up his nose. “That seems a bit awkward and uncomfortable. They look like a pretzel.” He snickered.

“That position looks nice.” Chase surprised himself as he pointed to the illustration of the couple positioned sideways. He had to laugh in spite of himself. He was actually enjoying this. He combed his fingers gingerly through Kaleb’s hair admirably.

The last few days had been emotionally draining and stressful for Chase and his siblings. The only bright spot to an otherwise miserable experience was the fact that he had Kaleb by his side. He was truly a godsend. The fact that he was sharing this experience with Kaleb warmed his heart. It was a moment he knew he would always treasure. If someone would have told him he would be sitting in a hotel room watching an instructional video about gay male sex he wouldn’t have believed them…This had Kaleb’s signature written all over it and he loved it.

So what, he carried a Spiderman backpack, if it made Kaleb happy he would buy him the entire ‘Super Heroes.’ Collection of them, and if he wanted to build Lego houses till the wee hours of the morning, Chase didn’t care. It didn’t bother him, as long as they were together. Kaleb made him deliriously happy. He didn’t want to be one of those who second guessed his every move. He wanted to enjoy their relationship and the love they shared….Wait…Love?