Not A Kiss - 20. Chapter 20

I listened to the soothing words Joey whispered. I held on to them as if my entire existence depended on it. There was nothing special about ‘everything will be alright’, ‘I’m here’ or any of the other words he said to me, but the timing was perfect. Slowly, I got my emotions under control.

Joey was still holding me when I stopped crying. I welcomed the closeness of his body against mine. The warmth of his body countered the coldness emanating from within me.

Joey finally let go of me when I stirred. He groped for something in his pocket and handed me a napkin. I used it to dry my eyes.

“Better?” Joey asked.

“Yeah,” I replied.

After some time, “So tell me why you have a napkin in your pocket?” He answered with a shrug and the playful smile on my lips turned to laughter which he joined.

Joey placed both of his hands flat on the grass then he let his head sag, closed his eyes and soaked in the sun. He looked so untroubled. I watched him with fascination. The wind blew against his face, but he remained still, looking very much at peace as if he was part of this tranquil place. He just belonged.

Part of me envied him and the other part admired his beauty which was heightened by his ethereal serenity. Suddenly, he straightened up and looked at me. I must have looked ridiculous looking at him doggedly.

“I think I’d like to kiss you,” he said with all sincerity.

The moment was perfect. We were alone, he looked so damn handsome and sexy and I was lonely, but I still recoiled from his statement.

“You need not worry, Dan, I won’t take advantage of you. I’m actually here as a friend. I just thought you needed to know how I felt,” he explained.

“Joey, don’t you ever get tired of trying? Every time we’re together, you get hurt one way or another because of me,” I said, watching his face.

“Can’t help it, Dan. There’s just something about you which makes me want to take care of you. I think everyone around you feels that way.”

“I get it, I’m weak,” I admitted.

“No you’re not. I’m not sure what you’ve done today, but I had a feeling it took a lot of guts. When I first saw you earlier, you looked so sad and yet you also exuded determination. I’ve never seen you like that before,” he said, admiration in his voice.

“Then what did you mean when you said you want to take care of me?”

“You’re upset,” he commented.

“Sorry, it’s just that I usually cause the people who care for me to be unhappy,” I said with Lee on my mind. I wonder what Lee and Liam were doing at the moment. It pained me a bit thinking about the two, but I knew I’d done the right thing. I just had to learn to accept this reality.

I had gone quiet which was probably why Joey was watching me warily.

“Why did Ced call you of all people? You two are not exactly close.” Joey was slightly taken aback at this abrupt change in subject.

“I don’t know. I was surprised actually. You should ask him,” he suggested.

“He’s not here.” I wished the disappointment wasn’t evident in my voice.

Joey was watching me again, but I couldn’t discern his expression. Then he gently laid his back against the grass in a totally carefree way. He lay sprawled in the grassy ground and I wanted to join him. He must have sensed my yearning.

“Come join me, Dan,” he invited.

I edged closer, sprawling next to him. The act itself was so trivial in its simplicity, but the idea of not having a care in the world appealed to me. I immersed myself into it.

“I have missed hanging out with you like this. I forgot how laid back you are. The world is so uncomplicated when you’re around.”

“You make it sound like a bad thing.” I heard him say.

“Actually it’s a compliment.” I turned to him and he was watching me. He smiled and then his cheeks turned red probably because I caught him looking at me.

I couldn’t help but smile.

“I think that means we can go back to your dorm now,” Joey teased. He got up and offered his hand to me. I took it and he helped me to my feet. We stood there looking at each other as he held my hand.

“Thanks,” I said while I slipped my hand away from him. Joey just smiled.

“Dad, we’re going now. I promise to be back soon.”

Joey and I were unusually close, almost shoulder to shoulder as we walked to his car. We drove back without speaking, content to take turns watching each other. Like little kids, we would look away the moment the other noticed.

“Thanks, I had fun,” I said as Joey stopped the car at the front door of the dorm building.

“You going to be alright?” he asked.

“I should be,” I answered cryptically. “I’ll see you at class?”

Joey replied with a smile. I got out of the car and watched as Joey drove away.

********************

The following week, we hid our true feelings a lot. I pretended I was happy for Lee and Liam whenever I saw the two of them together. In turn, I felt they tried to hide their happiness when I was around, but I saw how happy they were from the way they looked at each other. I was glad that I’d made the right decision and I was genuinely happy for both of them, but I couldn’t help but be sad for myself. I felt so alone. Especially whenever Liam would look at me with meaning, His mysterious eyes sympathized with me.

I was with Lee when he came out to Dad and Mom one night during dinner. He didn’t need to worry because they accepted him the same way that they accepted me. We were so lucky to have understanding parents. Dad gave Lee a hug, but when it was Mom’s turn to hug him, Mom looked at me sadly. When dinner was finished and the dishes were washed, Mom led me to the garden. It was a cloudless night and there were a few visible stars, the moon shone brightly. Mom and I sat on the same bench Liam and I sat in that day which seemed so long ago.

“That was a very noble thing to do for your brother, Daniel,” Mom said.

“How do you know what I did?” I asked confused.

“I’m your mother,” she said knowingly.

“I had to do it, Mom, I just had to. It was time that I did something for Lee, he’s done so much for me already,” I explained.

“Oh Daniel, I’m so proud of you, of how selfless you are. It’s just hard for me to see you hurting like this.”

“I’ll be fine Mom. I did the right thing,” I said bravely.

Lee and I drove back to the dorm the same night. During the ride, there was an awkward silence between the two of us which Lee broke.

“Danny...”

“Don’t say it Lee. I’m fine.”

“No you’re not. You pretend to be fine and you keep saying you’re fine, but you’re not. If you think you fooled me, you’re wrong. I’m your brother for fuck’s sake.”

“I did the right thing,” I said.

“You did an amazing thing. You brought Liam and me together. I’m sorry that you’re hurting though. Liam is sorry too.”

“I can’t help but feel alone sometimes,” I admitted.

“You don’t need to be. I’m your brother, I’m still here for you even though you said that you can take care of yourself. I know that you can, Danny, but I still want to take care of you. I love you.”

I felt a little less lonely after that talk with Lee and in the days that followed, I felt myself getting better. It was Cedric who first noticed I was laughing again and that the songs I played using my guitar were no longer about a broken heart.

********************

Sam visited me in my dorm room one day.

“Hi Daniel. You’re looking much better,” she greeted.

“Hi Samantha. What brings you here? Did you plan your visit so that Cedric’s not here?” I teased.

“I don’t know what you mean.” I couldn’t tell if she was joking, her voice was so serious.

“You used to date the guy,” I reminded her.

“I didn’t... Wait, you don’t know?”

“I don’t know what?” I asked in reply.

“He didn’t tell you?” she asked confused.

“Who didn’t tell me what?” I asked equally confused.

Sam watched me. I looked back at her with my brow creased, she wasn’t making any sense at all.

“Talk to Ced, Dan.” He eyes were doing the talking too but for the life of me, I couldn’t grasp her meaning.

“Why do I need to talk to him?” Why wouldn’t she just tell me what it was?

“Just talk to him, ok?” Did I just imagine that brief smile on her lips? Was she enjoying this?

“What am I gonna talk to him about?” I knew there was no need to be mad at her but I still couldn’t help but get a bit irritated.

Tried as I might, Sam wouldn’t tell me anything more, she just kept on insisting that I should talk to Cedric. Because she was so adamant, I promised myself I would talk to Cedric, but forgot about it after my talk with Joey that night.

“Hey Joey, where are we off to tonight?” I had been hanging a lot with Joey lately, but we were not dating. I told this to Cedric when he commented about it, but I wasn’t sure whether he believed me or not.

“Why don’t we just stay in the car and talk?”

“Don’t tell me you blew your allowance on video games or something,” I teased.

“I didn’t,” he said smiling.

“Ok, what’s up then?” I asked.

Joey didn’t answer for a very long time which made me think that there was something wrong. I thought he was going to persuade to me to date him, but I was wrong.

“Dan, I want to take care of you,” he started.

I was about to speak but he held up his hand to stop me.

“Dan, I already told you that there was something about you that makes me want to take care of you. Nothing has changed, I still want to take care of you. But I think you don’t like me that way anymore, right?” he looked at my face for confirmation. He must have seen whatever it was he was looking for because he continued to say, “So I want to take care of you as your friend and nothing more.”

I stared at him, amazed at how insightful he was.

“I’m sorry, Joey. I wasn’t using you or anything,” I said.

“I’ve known about it for quite some time. I have learned to accept it.”

I had a sudden realization.

“That day at the cemetery. Is that why you looked so peaceful?”

Joey smiled. It didn’t look forced or anything, it looked genuine. “That place was special. I learned to let go of you there. I didn’t want to tell you that day because you were feeling rejected already so you might misunderstand my meaning. But in order for the process to be complete, I feel the need to tell you. I am letting you go, Dan. But I’m staying as your best friend.”

I looked at Joey and again the aura of peacefulness around him got to me. In spite knowing that I didn’t feel that way about Joey, I still felt some kind of loss.

********************

I woke up early the next day, earlier than Cedric, and decided to go for a walk. Not surprisingly, my feet brought me to that bench; our bench. Staring at nothing specific, I let myself experience everything around me.

Still deep in thought, I heard a voice speak behind me, “I thought I’d find you here.”

I didn’t need to turn around to know who it was. Cedric moved to sit beside me. Only when he was seated did I look at him.

“Hi Ced. How did you know I was here?”

“You told me that you always come here when you want to think.” I was surprised that he remembered.

We looked at each other and Cedric didn’t seem to want to stop looking, so I averted my gaze.

“So what are you thinking about?” he asked.

“Nothing really, I was just looking around.” At that, Cedric scanned the place which was bathed in semidarkness and nodded his head appreciatively.

“Awesome,” he commented.

Our silence dragged a bit longer before he finally gave voice to his reason for coming, “Are you ok now, Dan?” Before I could answer, he added, “And don’t pretend to be, it is hard watching you do that.”

I smiled. “I’m ok now Ced. I’m getting better day by day.”

“Good because there’s something I need to tell you.”

His face was so serious and he seemed a bit nervous when I looked at him.

“I’m in love with you, Dan.”

“You don’t need to do this Ced. You don’t need to pretend that you’re gay for my sake.” My whole body began trembling, I wasn’t ready for this. I didn’t want to hope and get hurt again.

“I’m not pretending anymore.” Maybe it was the sincerity of his words or perhaps part of me wanted to believe him. Either way, the trembling stopped almost as soon as it began.

“But that night, you admitted that you’re straight,” I said matter-of-factly.

“You cornered me that night, Dan. Everything you said was right. Before I met you, I did pretend that I was gay, but no matter what I did, every guy I dated didn’t feel right. So I began to doubt my feelings for you. I wasn’t sure about myself and I didn’t want to hurt you, that was why I told you I was straight. It was only when I kissed you that I was sure.”

“What kiss?” I asked. Maybe I didn’t dream the kiss after all.

Cedric must have misunderstood the look on my face because he said, “I’m sorry but it wasn’t my intention to take advantage of you, Dan. I just wanted to be sure. I kissed you that night we slept together in your room.”

Involuntarily, my hand went to my lips. That was why the kiss seemed so vivid.

“I felt it,” I said.

Cedric pondered on what I said and after a while, his cheeks were flushed.

“So that’s why you kissed back. You must have been half-conscious.”

It was my turn to blush.

“That still doesn’t explain why you asked Sam on a date. If you wanted to make me jealous, you definitely succeeded,” I said slightly angry at the sudden realization that he might have wanted to make me jealous.

“That was not my intention. I was gonna ask you out on a date, but you kept bugging me to see Sam that day, remember? So I told you that I already asked her on a date to shut you up, but I actually asked her afterwards when I pretended to go to the bathroom. I told her about my plan. The plan though was for a group date with you and then I’ll confess everything to you as we drove home. I just didn’t expect Sam to have a different plan of her own.”

“You could have told me afterwards,” I said.

“How? The next time we saw each other, I found out that you were dating Liam,” he said and the hurt in his voice was obvious.

I looked at Cedric. Everything he said so far was logical. My heart was beating so fast in my chest and there was a knot in my stomach.

“How about that day in the cafeteria? Why were you nervous when Sam arrived?”

“Because I accidentally let it slip that I like you when I went to her house looking for you when you were missing, but were actually on a date with Liam. I told her not to tell you anything. She promised not to, but she’s your best friend after all so I got nervous.”

Cedric looked at me expectantly. I was still processing everything.

“Do you still doubt me?” he asked. “Look you can continue to question my sexuality all you want, but I’m telling you that I’m in love with you and there’s nothing you can do about it. I’ve been in love with you the first moment I saw you.”

“I told you that night that I intend to be your boyfriend. I’m telling you now that I also intend to love you and make you happy,” he continued.

“But...” I began to say.

“Here we go again. All these complications started with your buts. If you had just kept quiet and accepted my proposal of being your boyfriend, you wouldn’t have had to go through all those heartaches. Now can you please just shut up and let me love you?”

He didn’t wait for any answer. Moving closer, he kissed me with a longing that made me shake. Unleashed at last, I returned the kiss with the same passion. The kiss was both familiar and exciting. It didn’t matter to me that we were kissing on school grounds. What mattered was that I finally belonged to someone now and he belonged to me. I was right after all. I knew I was destined to be with my first kiss. But this relationship would not be defined by that kiss. Our relationship will be about love and belonging. No matter what the future held, I was with Cedric.