Finding Alex - 22. Chapter 22

Sacha was totally entranced by the sea. He remained in his seat, staring at it, even when Nik opened the door and undid his seatbelt. Finally, he turned to Nik, with stars in his eyes. “It’s so beautiful,” he breathed. “It’s like it goes on forever. Like…like if you stepped in it, it would carry you away to somewhere wonderful. What’s that noise?”

“The kind of whooshing noise?”

“Yes.”

“It’s the waves. See how they have those white bits? Well, they are waves that rise up, then fall back into the water, or onto the sand, and that’s what makes the sound. Every wave brings them a little bit closer to the shore and the water creeps across the sand.”

“Will it come here?” Sacha asked, a little alarmed. He had visions of the car floating away.

“No. See that black line across the sand? That’s called a tide line. When the sea comes in, it brings all kinds of things with it – shells, seaweed, crabs…. The tide line shows the furthest the sea comes, except in a big storm when it can come a lot higher.”

“I think I might be scared of the sea in a storm.”

“I bet you wouldn’t. I bet the sheer energy would lift you up and sweep you away, until you’d have to laugh out loud, and yell into the wind.”

Sacha lit up. He could see it in his head and he liked the pictures.

“I can see you in my mind, running across the sand, with your hair streaming out like a flag.” That strange intensity came back into Nik’s voice and eyes. Sacha turned and slid out of his seat, so he was pressed against Nik. He could tell Nik was going to pull away, so he put his arms around Nik’s waist and hugged him tight. Nik tried to pull away, but when Sacha yelped in pain, he stopped.

“Let go.”

“I don’t want to. I like it here.” Sacha nestled his face into Nik’s chest. Nik’s heart was beating so fast and hard he could actually feel the vibrations in his cheek. Nik’s smell, mixed with the salty sea air made him dizzy.

“Sacha, please.” Now, it was Nik who sounded as if he was in pain and Sacha pulled back to look up at him.

“What’s wrong?” he asked. “I thought you liked snuggling me.” Sacha deliberately made his voice and eyes innocent and guileless. He was good at that.”

“I did…I do, but…. It’s not the right time. Shall I help you take your shoes off, so you can feel the sand on your feet?”

Sacha narrowed his eyes. There was a whole conversation they weren’t having. He could either push or back away. He wanted to push, but the sea was so close and if he upset Nik, he might not take him there.”

“Alright. Thank you.” Sacha knew full well, Nik understood what he was saying – I’m letting you off the hook for now, but this is not over.

Sacha was totally incapable of taking off his own shoes and socks. He simply couldn’t bend, so Nik carefully did so, knotted together the laces and hung them around his neck. He then proceeded to do the same with his own.

“I can carry mine,” Sacha said, holding his hand out for them. Nik handed them over with a smile, and settled his arm around Sacha’s waist.

“Are you ready to walk on the sand?”

“Yes,” Sacha said eagerly. Nik carefully guided him to take one step after another and Sacha shivered with pleasure, curling his toes in the soft, warm sand. He looked up at Nik with shining eyes. “I love it.”

“Good. We’re almost at the tide mark. The sea’s quite a long way out so there’s quite a long way to walk on wet sand. It feels very different to this. If you don’t like it, I’ll carry you, okay?”

“I don’t like it,” Sacha said immediately.

Nik laughed. “You haven’t tried it yet.”

“But I have tried you carrying me and I liked that a lot.”

“Try it, huh?”

“Okay.”

When they got to the tide mark, Nik delighted Sacha by placing in his hands small shells, the delicate bodies of tiny crabs, and the bloated pods of bladder wrack. Sacha insisted on pocketing the shells and would have taken the crabs too, but Nik explained that, if he tried they would smash, so he reluctantly directed Nik to bury them in the sand.

Needless to say, Sacha didn’t like walking on the wet sand. He actually didn’t like it; not at all. It was cold and unstable, and he couldn’t bury his toes in it. Well, he could but it didn’t feel nice.

“What am I going to do with you?” Nik asked, as Sacha turned to him and raised his hands, like a child, to be picked up.

“Carry me to the sea – like you promised.”

Nik smiled and shook his head. “Whatever you say, master.”

Sacha snuggled into Nik’s chest, feeling safe and cherished, as Nik carried him easily down to the water.

“It feels a little strange at first. The sand sucks at your feet and makes you feel as if you’re going to fall over. Hold on to me to stabilize yourself and you’ll soon get your bearings.”

“Okay.”

Nik gently lowered Sacha to the ground and Sacha squealed as a wave washed over his feet. “That’s cold.”

“The sea is always cold.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know, it just is. Let’s go out a little further. Hang on, let me roll your jeans up so they don’t get wet.”

Sacha was very nervous when Nik let go of him to crouch down. The sand felt very unstable and he was scared of falling. He held on to the only thing within reach, which was Nik’s head.

“Steady on there. I’d like to end the day with some hair.”

“I don’t think I like this,” Sacha said. “I’m scared I’ll fall.”

“Don’t worry, I won’t let you fall,” Nik said, straightening. With Sacha clinging to his arm, Nik led them into the water until it reached their ankles. Sacha shivered and huddled closer to Nik. “Have you had enough?”

“No, I love it, but it’s awful cold.”

“Do you want to go back on the warm sand for a while?”

“No, but I guess I should. I’m getting tired.” He sighed and growled.

“Patience,” Nik said. “In no time at all, you’ll be racing me along this beach, and probably winning.”

“How could I ever win against you?” Sacha asked, as Nik carefully lifted him into his arms. “Your legs are almost as long as the whole of me.”

Nik laughed. “Hardly, and even so, I may be big, but I’m not very fast. My sister beats me in races all the time and she’s not much bigger than you.”

“Bigger?” Sacha pouted. “Even your sister is bigger than me. Everyone is bigger than me”

“Not everyone. Lacey isn’t.”

Sacha rolled his eyes. “I think you’ll find she actually is. Anyway, she doesn’t count coz she’s a girl and girls are supposed to be smaller. I wish I was big like you, and James, and Adam, and…just about everyone else.”

“Don’t wish to be different, Sacha, you’re perfect just as you are.”

“Am I? Do you really think so?”

Nik stopped and gazed down at Sacha. Sacha froze and gazed back. “Yes,” Nik said, his voice husky. “I really do.”

Sacha licked his lips slowly and sucked on the bottom one. His heart was almost painful, hammering against his ribs, and he felt dizzy. Sacha’s entire body trembled and he knew Nik could feel it.

“Are you cold?”

Sacha shook his head, not trusting his voice, not taking his eyes of Nik.

“You’re shivering.”

Sacha nodded and Nik held him closer. Their eyes were locked for so long, Sacha thought he was going to faint from lack of oxygen from not breathing. Then Nik closed his eyes and shook his head. “You can walk from here,” he said and set Sacha on his feet. Sacha was totally confused. Was he misreading these situations so badly? Why was Nik behaving like this? He was saying the right things and doing almost the right things but then he backed right off.

Frowning, Sacha walked through the soft sand, dragging his feet. The sand stuck to them, gritty between his toes.

“I don’t like it,” he said.

“Don’t like what?”

“I don’t like the sand sticking to my feet. I don’t like walking on warm sand, then being dumped in the cold sea, then being forced to walk on the sand again with grit between my toes.”

“I didn’t dump you in the sea.”

Sacha held his eyes. “Didn’t you?”

Nik bowed his head. “You weren’t talking about the sea and sand, were you?”

“No.”

Nik straightened and loomed over Sacha. There was such an angry expression on Nik’s face, that Sacha quivered and a shiver of fear shot down his spine. If Nik got angry with him here, there’d be no way he could fight, not in his current condition. The chances were Nik would kill him, even if he didn’t try very hard. A few punches would probably do it. Still, Sacha drew himself up and glared back.

“Go on then,” he said. “I can tell you want to. Go ahead and do it.”

Nik’s eyes widened, then that intense, angry expression fell again and he gripped Sacha’s shoulders so tight it hurt.

“What are you waiting for? Just do it. Get it over with.”

Nik’s expression changed, becoming confused. “What do you think I’m going to do to you, Sacha?”

“I’ve made you angry, haven’t I? I don’t know what I did but I’m not going to beg, and I can’t fight you so….”

“You thought I was going to hit you?”

“Aren’t you?”

“I thought you trusted me more than that.”

“Well…I do, but you’re so angry with me, and….”

“I’m not angry with you. Why would you think I’m angry with you?”

“Because of the way you were looking at me.”

Nik’s expression softened and he smiled, cupping Sacha’s chin. Sacha had to exert control not to wince. “You can be so silly sometimes; so blind. I don’t want to hit you, Sacha. There’s nothing you or anyone else could do that would make me want to hit you.”

“Then what—” His words were cut off by Nik’s lips and he melted.

The kiss was soft and gentle and over way too soon. Sacha tried to pull Nik back down but Nik resisted. Very carefully, he detached Sacha’s arms from around his neck and moved back. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have done that.”

“But why? I’ve thought you were going to do it before, and you didn’t. It thought I was wrong, that I was totally misreading the situation and I was confused. I’m still confused. Why don’t you want to kiss me anymore?”

“I can’t. It’s not fair on you. I…I just can’t. Besides, I promised.”

“Promised who? Ah hell.” Sacha turned away, anger pulsing through him. “That’s what you were arguing with Lacey about. Lacey told you not to kiss me. Why? Why would she do something like that? I thought she liked me.”

“She does like you. She loves you. She was looking out for you. Try to understand, Sacha. You’ve been through so much and you haven’t had normal experiences. You’ve never had a proper relationship and you’ve hardly had a chance to get used to a normal life. You don’t know how to have a relationship, not yet. It’s just too soon.”

“That’s what she said, isn’t it? Those are not your words. It’s not what you believe.”

“It is what I believe. Yes, that’s what Lacey said, but it doesn’t mean it’s not true.”

“It’s not what you want, though, is it? You want to kiss me.”

“Sacha, turn around.”

“Tell me first. Do you want to kiss me?”

“It’s not right. It’s too soon, Sacha. It—”

“But do you want to? Never mind about all the rest of it, all the bad stuff. Do you want to kiss me?”

“Yes,” Nik said, softly. I…. If things were different, I’d love to kiss you. There’s nothing I’d like more”

Sacha turned. “Then do it. I want it too. I want it so much. Please, Nik.”

“It’s not right, Sacha. I’d be taking advantage of you, and—”

“Taking advantage of me? That’s a load of rubbish. You’re not forcing me. In fact you’re doing the opposite. I’m the one pushing. I want this, Nik. I want it bad.”

Nik shook his head. He looked as if he was in pain. “Don’t do this, please.”

“I know I’m not normal. I know that. And I know I’m not stable, and I don’t know what it’s like to have a proper relationship. In many ways I’m still a little kid; I know that. But I’m not. I’m not a little kid. I’m not sweet and innocent. I bet I’ve had sex a thousand times more than you have. I’ve done it all. All the mechanics are there. You have no idea what I could do to your body, but that’s not the point.”

Nik looked utterly shocked, and Sacha pressed on while he was unable to speak. “I know what you think. You think I’m damaged goods, that after all that meaningless sex I don’t know how to love, how to have a proper relationship. Maybe you’re right, but I don’t think so. I think I am capable of loving, and I am capable of having a relationship. Okay, I don’t know how right now, but I’m never going to find out, never going to learn if I don’t try.”

“It’s too soon,” Nik mumbled.

“Too soon? How can it be too soon? What will have changed in a week, a month, a year? If I’m not allowed to try how will I ever learn? If I don’t have a boyfriend; if I never get kissed, I’ll never move. I’ll never be any different than I am right now.”

“But you’re judgement’s off. You should meet other people, have other options. I’m the first person you’ve met, the first person you had the opportunity to…. You should see what else is out there before you decide.”

“That’s ridiculous. If I found a diamond in the sand, should I leave it there in case I find a better shaped one tomorrow? You’re my diamond, Nik. You light me up.”

“Don’t say that. Please, I….”

Sacha took a step forward and Nik looked as if he was about to turn and run, but he didn’t. He stood perfectly still. “You what? Tell me you don’t want me. Tell me you don’t want to kiss me. Tell me I don’t light you up.”

“I-I can’t, but….”

Sacha took another step forward. He was close enough to touch now. His legs felt like rubber and his ribs ached slightly less than his stomach, but he held his ground because there was something so big at stake. Something hung between them, something fragile and precious. One wrong step and it would shatter. Sacha didn’t know if he could bear that. He needed it; needed Nik.

“I want you, Nik. Not your body; not sex; you. I love your smell, your voice, the way I feel when you’re holding me. I’ve never felt as safe as I do in your arms. The sound of your voice makes my heart soar. Your smile makes my stomach flutter and your touch does crazy things to me. When you’re not here, all I can think about it when I’m going to see you again. When you are here, I want to hold on to every second.

“Tell me it’s not like that for you. Tell me you don’t think about me all the time, when you’re not here, that you don’t wake up in the night from dreams that are…exciting. Tell me you don’t hear my voice in the silence of the night; that you don’t smile whenever you picture my face. Tell me your stomach doesn’t tie itself in knots when I touch you. Tell me any of those things and I’ll back off. We can just be friends. No strings. Can you? Can you tell me that?”

Nik licked his lips and stared, then he slowly shook his head. “No,” he whispered. “It’s all true. You light me up, Sacha. You have from the first moment I saw you. You light me up more every time I see you.”

“Then what’s the problem?”

“I…I don’t know. Lacey—”

“Lacey doesn’t know me, not really. I know she’s trying to protect me, but she’s wrong. I need you. It’s all too much. I am struggling. It is all too much for me. I can’t handle that big house, a new family, all the changes. I need one thing, just one thing to hold on to. I need you.”

“You can hold on to Lacey.”

“Yes, I can. I have and she’s helped me a lot, but she can’t do what you do. She doesn’t understand like you understand.”

“Understand what?”

“That I’m not made of glass. I’m hurt and sick and confused and…. I don’t fit into this life and I’m scared all the time – but I’m not made of glass. I’m not totally pathetic. There are things I know, things I can stand up for, things I want and things I intend to get. I intend to get you. Nik Buckingham, and I will.”

A slow smile spread over Nik’s face and he closed the gap, cupping Sacha’s chin in his fingers. “You’re a breath of fresh air in my life. You’re just about the only man I’ve met who wanted me for me, for who I am not what my father is.”

“What?” Sacha was lost. “What does your father have to do with this?”

“Nothing. Absolutely nothing.”

“But—”

Sacha’s words were lost in the kiss and he didn’t care. He clung on for dear life, afraid Nik would run again. Desperate not to get it wrong, Sacha put everything he had into the kiss; everything he’d learned and everything he felt. He was only dimly aware that his body had gone into automatic pilot and was rubbing itself against Nik. It hurt, but it was pretty much without his control. When his hands started to rove under Nik’s shirt, Nik pulled back, gasping.

“Hell, Sacha, you should contain a health warning. That was amazing but….”

“But?”

“It’s too much, Sacha. Too much; too fast. Kissing, hell yeah. I could kiss you all day, but I’m not ready for anything more, not yet.”

“But, I…. I wasn’t….” Sacha was confused, then he smiled. “Okay,” he said. “Just kissing…for now.”

Nik put his arms around Sacha and held him gently. Sacha snuggled his head against Nik’s chest. “Are you my boyfriend now?” he asked.

“Um…do we have to put labels on our relationship? Can’t we just be friends right now?”

“Oh. Okay. I guess so.” Sacha sighed. The walk in the sand and all the emotional stress had taken their toll and he was exhausted.

“Are you tired?”

“Yes.”

“Do you want to go home?”

“No, I want to stay here and listen to the sea, but I need to lie down. I need it really bad. My belly’s hurting.”

“You’ve pushed yourself too hard, and you shouldn’t have rubbed yourself against me like that.”

“I know. I’m an idiot.”

“You can be…sometimes.”

Sacha looked up and gave him a tired smile. “I liked it.”

“So did I, but I’m not sick. Wait here.”

Sacha watched as Nik went around to the back of the car, opened the boot, then returned with armfuls of stuff. He staggered past Sacha and dumped most of the stuff in the sand.

“We have to be careful,” he said, “not to get sand in your wound. That would be nasty.”

“It has a dressing on it,” Sacha said, patting his stomach.

“You’ll be surprised where sand can find its way, and it’s an irritant so we have to be careful.”

“Okay. Whatever you say,” Sacha said, twinkling at Nik.

“Goddamit,” Nik said, surprising Sacha by dropping everything and pulling him into an embrace. “How can I be expected to do anything when you’re being so cute?”

“I don’t know,” Sacha said. “Shall I try to look less cute?”

“As if you could.”

“How about if I glare at you, like this.” Sacha screwed up his face and tried to glare but the humour on Nik’s face broke him down to laughter in moments.

“You just look even cuter.”

“Okay, what if I turn my back?”

“You have a cute bum.”

Sacha’s eyes widened. “I do?”

“Absolutely.”

Sacha tried to look over his shoulder, but winced when it pulled on his scar. “Okay. I’ll take your word for it. What else is cute?”

He beamed at Nik, whose eyes glazed over. Nik smiled and kissed his nose. “Your nose,” he said. “Your nose is amazingly cute.”

“Really?” Sacha went cross eyed and Nik dissolved in laughter.

“That is definitely cute.”

“What about my lips? Are my lips cute?” Sacha asked licking them.

Nik’s eyes widened and he licked his own lips. “Oh God, yes. Your lips are so cute they bring a whole new meaning to the word.”

Standing on tiptoe Sacha stretched up for a kiss. Then he whimpered and sagged, hunching over. “That hurt. You’re going to have to take control of the kissing for a while.”

“My pleasure,” Nik said, his eyes dark with concern and desire. Gently, he raised Sacha upright and drew him against his body. “Absolute pleasure,” he murmured as he lowered his head and brushed his lips across Sacha’s. Sacha tingled from head to toe and threw himself into the kiss with vigour. This time, he was sensible enough to keep his body from grinding into Nik’s. It wasn’t easy because that’s what he’d been taught to do. He had an idea there were a lot of things he’d been taught to do that he’d have to change.

Right now, that didn’t matter. All that mattered was Nik’s warm lips and his hands in the small of Sacha’s back, burning holes in his t-shirt.

Sacha whimpered, and Nik pulled away. “And that…that was the cutest thing ever. In fact, I think I’m about to collapse with a cute overload.”

Sacha grinned. “I’m not that cute. In fact I can be un-cute when I want to be.”

“I bet you can’t.”

“Piss me off and find out.”

“You’re even cute when you’re angry.”

Sacha’s mind flew through instances of not being cute, and the grin slipped from his face. “I bet I’m not so cute when I’ve got a gun in your face. Especially when I pull the trigger.”

Nik froze. “Sacha….”

Sacha shuddered. “It’s okay, Nik. I don’t want to talk about that now. I don’t know what made me think about it. Kiss me again and make it go away.”

Although Nik obliged, the kiss didn’t make the thoughts go away and they lingered, as Nik laid out a blanket, a padded lounge chair, a basket full of food and a huge pink parasol.

After setting everything up and settling Sacha into the chair, Nik fed him titbits and made him laugh until he fell asleep in the warm sunshine.