Delicious - 9. Faris and James: The Great Rat Race.

Faris and James and The Great Rat Race

I left my beautiful, gloriously naked husband asleep. It was after a wonderful Sunday morning of lovemaking, and I did have plans for more after he had a short nap, but I also wanted to put some coffee on. So I got up, pulled on my robe to ward off the chill and walked barefoot to the kitchen.

I was standing at the counter, measuring out the grounds when it happened. I had the measuring spoons in my right hand and the coffee container in my left when something ran over my foot. I squealed, jumped and flung! The spoons hit the patio door, the coffee flew around the kitchen, and I SCREAMED!

I managed however to glance around and saw a large bloated body and long tail disappear around the side of the counter. RATS!

All the racket brought Faris—still gloriously naked—running to the kitchen. He grabbed onto the door frame to stop himself. Barking dogs were not far behind him, they galloped full tilt down the hall. Larry, our chocolate lab barreled between Faris’ legs. He skidded to a stop. Francis, Larry’s labradoodle offspring followed, nearly knocking Faris over. The pup jumped over Larry to avoid him. Then trying to stop himself, he slid into the coffee grounds, stopping only when he slammed into the cupboards, causing my glassware to clink.

I watched this like it was in slow motion. I turned to Faris and then all that was moving in the room was his manhood. I tore my lustful gaze away from that to meet his eyes.

“What the fu...feck, James?” Faris grinned as he saw where I was looking. “Like what ya see do ya, James?” He looked around. “What is going on?”

Francis decided to try some of the coffee grounds, didn’t like them and was coughing and drooling everywhere. He shook himself, sending grounds into the air along with dripping strings of drool. Larry sat, and looked decidedly smug as he watched his pup make a mess, his great thick tail, sweeping the floor behind him.

I turned my gaze to my husband. “We have rats, Faris.”

“What?” Faris looked around. “Rats? Are you sure?”

“Yes, one of them stomped over my foot. It probably left a footprint there! You need to do something!”

“Me? I’m a plumber not the Pied Piper!”

“I mean call someone. An exterminator!”

“Och, okay, James. I’ll deal with it. But first, let’s get this place cleaned up.” Faris caught Francis by the collar and led him to the sliding door and pushed the pup out. “Larry, come.”

Larry followed his offspring out the door.

After Faris put on some jeans, we spent the next hour cleaning up coffee grounds and dog fluids off the floor, walls and cupboards.

Faris rinsed the rag he was using in the sink and asked, “So, James … where did this rat go?”

“You sound like you doubt me, Faris.”

“No, that’s not true baby but the kitchen is a fairly closed-in space. So, where did it go? Was the patio door open?”

“No, the door wasn’t open. It went around there.” I pointed to the end of the counter.

Faris walked over. “I don’t see anything. “ He got down on his knees and bent to inspect the baseboards. “There’s a tiny hole here, James. It’s too wee for a rat.”

I walked over to look. It was small. “Maybe he was the Eugene Victor Tooms of rats.”

Faris stared at me blankly.

“X-Files—guy who can squeeze through small places?” I watched for any sign he knew what I was referring to. “No?”

“No, James.” Faris got to his feet. “Let’s get dressed and we’ll go to Ratz’.”

I arched an eyebrow. “I think you should get a professional in.”

Faris grinned. “Ratz’ Rats-B-Gone. I send customers there all the time. Great do-it-yourself extermination equipment.”

I think my overabundance of enthusiasm was overwhelming Faris because he said, “You can wait in the truck.”

I smiled and leaned in to kiss my sexy husband. He pulled me close, enclosed me in his gorgeous muscular arms. “So, my sweet baby James, you gonna let me buy you lunch?”

“Yes, but I think we should get professionals in, Faris.”

“I’m taking you to a restaurant. I’m sure the chef knows what he’s doing, ya dafty.”

“I mean for the rats, Faris!”

Ignoring me he said, “I’ll let the dogs in and get dressed. Then we’ll go out.”

“Baby, I really think that we should ....”

Faris growled at me, “You think I can’t handle this? Putting out a few traps?”

“Oh, for Pete’s sake, Faris! I’m sure you can, but I’m thinking the pros can just get it done.” Without leaving hordes of dead rats around the place!

“Here dogs! Come.” Faris opened the patio door and the pair of pups galloped in. He ignored me and stalked down the hall to our bedroom. He slammed the door.

I fed the dogs and then followed Faris into the bedroom to dress.

Lunch was delicious. We ate at Luigi’s Homestyle Italian Restaurant. Faris had lasagna and I had seafood linguine and salad.

The hunky waiter stopped and smiled. “Anything else for you gentlemen?”

Faris asked for coffee and said, “I’ll have two traditional cannoli and two of the chocolate.”

“Two plates, sir?”

“Och, no man. If my better-half wants something, he can order.”

Seriously? Rude!

Our beef-cakey server looked at me, with a smirk. “Anything for you?”

I smiled at him. “Yesss, please. Just a single cannoli and coffee. “

With the waiter gone I glanced at Faris. “How is it that you do not gain weight?”

My husband leaned forward and answered, “Because I have an active life; I work hard and I play hard with you. We could go home and get active again if you like!”

Oh yes, take me away … to the rat-infested place we call home! That didn’t sound so pleasant.

Faris stuffed down his four cannoli, without offering me a bite, paid our bill and then escorted me out of the restaurant to the truck.

He did open the passenger-side door for me, helped me up and gave me a quick kiss before closing the door. Then he slid into the driver’s seat, put on his seat belt and we were on our way to Ratz’ store.

I guess we are not getting professionals in.

I did not remain in the truck, but went with Faris, and we purchased the rattraps, rubber gloves, and various stuff the Ratz man suggested. Then we drove to Let’s Get Organized, and bought tons of glass storage containers to put all our foodstuffs in. The guy at Ratz said we needed to clean the house inside and out. We had to close off anywhere the four legged marauders could get in, trim trees and bushes as required. There was lots to do. We chose not to use poison because of our own and neighbours’ pets and kids.

Once we got home, Faris began the outdoor clean-up, and I did inside. I made sure there was nothing left out that could be gnawed through available anywhere!

Outside Faris cleaned up, sawed things off, swept and wrapped things with screening and wire. Then he came indoors to set out traps in the spots the experts indicated. They said leave them unset for a week filled with food so the rats get used to them. After that they will be relaxed and will use the traps when they are set.

That’s what we did. Wednesday we went to bed, and as we snuggled together, we listened to a rat rodeo in the ceiling above us, rats climbing the walls to our left and then from the kitchen there was a great clattering, cupboard doors being slammed, skittering feet and nails and barking. Faris rolled out of bed and hushed the dogs and banged on the walls. There was no more noise that night.

Friday evening, Faris took me out to dinner and we went dancing at a nice bar in town. We had a lovely time. Faris was being very attentive and I knew once we got home, we’d shower and then spend a few frisky hours rolling in the hay! Faris in this mood is a wonderful thing and I wanted him very badly.

We pulled into the driveway and he helped me out of the truck. He closed the door and pushed me against the vehicle. His kisses took my breath away and he kept kissing me as we got inside. We hung up coats and he had started to unbutton my shirt, when he stood back. “Baby, go start the shower. I’m gonna get that lovely white we have in the fridge and we’ll have a nice glass, shower and then I’ll show you how much I love you.”

“Yes, okay babe.” And I scampered off to the bedroom to change. I’d just pulled off my shirt when I heard Faris yelling. It was my turn to run to the kitchen.

When I got there, I found an angry Faris and two guilty dogs. “What is going on?”

Faris pointed to the end of the counter where the rat had gone days earlier. It was a mess, huge scratch marks in the tile, the wall of the cupboard and the kitchen wall itself. It looked like the dogs had been scratching there for a long while.

Oh, my God. What a mess!

There was the evidence. I turned to the patio doors and glared at the culprits. I spoke to them sternly, “What have you two been doing?”

They hung their doggy heads in shame.

Faris was fuming and his brogue came on strong. “Och, we go out of an evening and look what this pair of shites get up ta. They are banished to the spare room!”

He looked at the damage and then at me. “Babe, please get the wine and I’ll put these two in prison for the night. Dogs! Come!”

Francis and Larry followed Faris, their tails at half-mast. They went into the spare room and Faris closed the door.

Faris sat on the bed with a glass of wine. I joined my husband. “You okay, baby?”

“Yes, James. The dogs pissed me off, but it’s because of the rats. I have to set the traps. They’ve had a week to get used to the traps. I’m going to go and set them all.” He kissed me. “Then we’ll go to bed, okay, James?”

I smiled at him and nodded. “Can I do anything?”

He got to his feet. “No, James. I won’t be long.”

I’d finished my glass of wine by the time Faris returned I was definitely in the mood, and let him know it. He joined me on our bed and our playfulness turned serious, and ultimately very satisfying. Afterwards, I lay on top of Faris nibbling his neck. His rough hands kneaded my tender ass. That’s when we heard it. The pitter-patter of feet in the attic, in the walls, and the dogs had started to bark.

Faris growled, lifted me up and rolled me off him and onto the mattress. “Damn it! I will kill them!” He pulled on his jeans. “Why aren’t they dead? They should be using the traps!”

I could hear him upstairs in the attic, stomping, swearing, and shifting stuff around. At one point there was a loud crash, which started the dogs again, followed by more swearing, which made me sit up. “Faris?”

He was coming down the attic stairs.

I got up to see if he was all right. “Faris?” There were bloodstains down the hall; I followed them to the bathroom. I peeked in. He’d cut his foot and was attempting to bandage it.

“Here, Faris, let me. I do have some basic medical knowledge and it needs washing before you bandage it.”

“Okay, thanks.”

I bathed the cut, put on some antiseptic and bandaged it.

“Thank you, James. I’ve been thinking. It may be better that we call in a professional pest control company.” He looked defeated and tired.

What? Seriously? Faris you really are the shit sometimes!

I could have said something to him I suppose, but what good would that do? “I think that’s a good idea.” I helped him up and he limped back to bed. “We can call someone in the morning.”

Faris did call in Peter’s Pest Patrol.

The Pest-Trooper came in and looked over our place and all our safeguards. He pronounced them good. Faris took him upstairs to the attic and left him to it.

I felt nervous, like an expectant father or something. I paced as we waited for the Pest-Trooper to come back down stairs.

Eventually he did come back down. He carried a brown paper bag. “Well, I found out why your rat traps caught no rats.”

Faris pricked up his ears. “Why?”

“Because you don’t have rats.”

I swallowed loudly and Faris turned to glare at me.

“Don’t we?” Faris said. His eyes were locked on mine. “So, what do we have then?”

The Pest-Trooper held up the tiny dead mouse by the tail. “Mice. They couldn’t set off the traps you’d laid.”

He went on to say he’d placed new traps and would be back the following morning to clean them up.

Faris showed him out.

Faris returned to the living room. “Big bloated bodies, long tails, left a foot print, hmmmm? Rats you said.” He walked toward me.

I backed up. “Faris.”

“You said you saw it.”

“I saw it turn the corner.”

“Stomped on your foot, you said.”

“Okay, Faris, maybe I exaggerated.”

“Oh, just a wee bit, James.”

He lunged and caught me in his arms. “I think you owe me.”

“What do I have to do?”

“Oh, I think you know.”

He picked me up and dumped me over his shoulder. He carried me down the hall toward our room. Larry and Francis jumped up trying to lick me. Faris swung around in the doorway to our bedroom. “Lie down, dogs!”

They did and I waved at them as Faris closed the door.

“Now my wee laddie, your sexy ass is mine. Get your breeks off!”

I did, but I didn’t let him see me grinning!

C’est Fini