After The Past - 8. Chapter 8

After The Past

Chapter 8

I peered up at Jim; I could only whisper, “Are you sure it’s him?”

Jim appeared sad and miserable. “Yes, I’m sure.”

I kissed my fingertips and touched them to the little cross in farewell, and then got to my feet. We walked back to the house. I knew I’d never go back there.

Jim and I went back and finished the chores together; I put Mersey and the other horses out into the back pasture. We went back into the house to eat.

After we sat down to eat the soup, Jim addressed the elephant in the room, which was a good thing because I don’t think I was capable.

“Do you want to know what happened, Dave?”

I clapped my hand over my mouth, to hold back the scream that was clawing its way up through me—tears brimmed and I nodded.

I listened as Jim spoke ….

”Jae told me about the fire, and that he’d watched as you were taken off the roof, unconscious. He said that Barry and Cathy both argued with him, and then begged him to stay but to no avail. Jae was sure he’d not be forgiven—that is was too late for your relationship.

“After taking one of the horses recovered after the attack, Jae told Barry he was heading north to try and find me. Maybe I would take him in.

“He said he rode hard and as fast as he could, stopping here and there to rest and forage for food and water. He never left the road for long. He’d found me and I told him he was welcome as long as he worked.

“Jae worked hard. We got on very well and together were bringing the ranch up to speed.

“Then Dave, five men showed up, I guess about 5 days ago, wanting food, horses and slaves. We killed a couple of them, but they managed to capture us.

“They forced us to stand in front of the wall of the barn. I tried to bargain with them, telling them just to go—just leave us in peace. The leader was angry and wanted me to be quiet. I was just trying to get them to leave, Dave. I didn’t think he’d do ….”

Jim stopped for a moment and took some deep breaths. The anguish he felt was evident as he described what had happened. I wanted to slam hands over my ears. I didn’t want to hear more—I knew what was coming. Jim reached over and took my hand before he continued ….

“The leader walked up to Jae, the bastard was as cold as ice, put the gun to Jae’s head and pulled the trigger. Then that bastard shot me. I just collapsed and played dead. I could hear the two arguing with their leader. They were angry that he’d shot Jae, he was their choice for a slave. They said they’d go on, on their own and their asshole boss said: They’d better watch out, or they’d end up dead like these two and the fuckers in the barn. After that, they took three horses—Pedro one of them—and my weapons, before they left. They left the two blacks because they were heavies. I was grateful the pricks didn’t kill them.”

I squeezed Jim’s hand, before he continued and said, “I’m so sorry, Dave. I wish it had been me, not him.”

It took me a few minutes before I could speak. My poor boy; his life just snatched from him. We’d never get a chance to work things out. I’d never touch or kiss him again. I didn’t think my heart could break again—but I was wrong.

“How did you manage to … you were wounded.”

“The bullet had gone straight through. I wrapped it up as well as I could. I just carried him. He wasn’t a big man, as you know. I wanted him to be in a pretty place. He liked it down there. It hurt but I didn’t want to leave him … out, exposed. After I was bleeding pretty bad.”

Sliding my half-eaten bowl of soup away, I just put my head on my arms and cried.

The next few days were a blur. I helped Jim, and cried for Jae and for me. Soon though, the pull of home became stronger and stronger. I wanted my life back. It would be emptier without Jae, but I’d been happy then too. I missed Barry and his family. I wanted to know what was happening now that we were growing into a community.

I finally told Jim I was leaving. “You know you’d be welcome. I can help you drive the cattle back. You’d live with us, maybe find a woman, have some kids, have a life. We could use more experienced farmers, Jim.”

He said earnestly, “I’ve put a lot of work in here, Dave. But it’s a lonely life, before was too. Can I ask you to wait two more days to let me think?”

I didn’t want to, but it would be nicer to have company on the way back, so I agreed.

That same night, after I’d gone to bed, there was a knock on my door. “Come in.”

Jim stood there dressed only in shorts. “Dave, there’s no need to wait. Let’s use the next two days to prepare. I’ll go back with you. I’ll drive the wagon and we’ll try to bring the cattle. There are only five now anyway.”

I suddenly felt lighter than I had in weeks. “That’s great, Jim. Let’s get some sleep and we’ll start packing in the morning.”

On the second morning, we started out with the wagon bringing up the rear. I rode Mersey and we walked with the five head of cattle. Jim drove the wagon that carried all the things he wanted, and things we thought we could use. Sad as it was we decided against bringing the chickens. It would be hard to feed them on the road. They’d be all right living where they were.

The trip back was companionable—it was good to have company and someone to talk to at night. We spent two nights with Gareth. The animals needed a proper rest and it was good to have some new company.

Gareth was a good cook too and we enjoyed two meals with him. The first night was a great chicken stew and there was lots of it. I hadn’t eaten so much in years. As we ate his wonderful dough-boy dumplings—Gareth said his family on his mom’s side had been from Newfoundland originally—he smiled and said, “You boys got room for one more body in the wagon? I’d like to come back with you.”

“I was going to ask you …. I’m glad you’re going to join us.” I was happy he decided to come; I didn’t like thinking of him here alone.

The three of us left two mornings later. The weather was starting to cool and I wanted us to hurry a little bit more. Winter would be biting at our heels soon enough.

Gareth had given each of us a thick coat. They didn’t fit too well, but they were warmer than what we had with us.

The return trip was uneventful, thankfully. We made good time and only lost one of the cattle.

As we got closer and closer to home, the more I wanted to let Mersey run but I held myself back. I decided that we’d go straight to Barry’s place. He’d likely have enough space for everyone and the few animals we had. There was always time for me to go back home.

Finally, on the last night, we were about five miles from the ranch, but it had gotten too dark to travel on any longer. We set up a lean camp, ate the few things we had left, and without much talk, settled in our hard beds for our last night sleeping rough. I listened to the cattle shuffle and low, while Mersey and the other horses settled down. The wind in the pines was a wonderful sound, and the animals of the night were out and about. Jae and I had pines outside our bedroom window and we’d listen to the wind and the trees sing at night after making love.

I turned over, hugged myself and the tears I seemed to cry every night fell until I drifted off to sleep.

The dawn was warm and the sky streaked with shades of red and gold too numerous to count. I sat up and pulled my sleeping bag around me, just watching the sunrise for a little while.

Finally, I rose and walked quietly into the forest to relieve myself and then moved on to pick up some wood to build up the fire a little. I put the coffee on and got out our mugs while waiting for the others to get up.

The cattle and horses were getting restless; there had been a little grazing for them, but they were likely ready to move on. I gave the other two a bit of a push—we needed to get going—I wanted to go home.

At last, after coffee, we were back on the road.

A few hours later we pulled onto the driveway of Barry’s place. Oh, I cannot tell you how good it felt to be back. My mind drifted to Jae once more, and I felt a tug on my heartstrings realizing again he wasn’t waiting for me here or at home. I missed him greatly.

As we pulled into the farmyard proper, Cathy, who had been working in the vegetable garden, saw us. I smiled at her and lifted my hand—she dropped the hoe and gave a small squeal, and starting to run toward us. She called Barry’s name as she ran.

I dismounted and Jim and Gareth jumped off the wagon as Barry came out of the other barn, “Cath? What is ….” He stopped short when he saw us. “Oh my god, Dave!”

They both reached me at the same time. Barry got there first with a huge hug; Cathy followed. She held me close and kissed my cheek. I held on to her too—suddenly feeling very emotional and overwhelmed. Barry was greeting Gareth and Jim, and he called for his boys. “Terry; Joe!”

The two came out of the barn, looked at each other with shit-eating grins and started to run. Joe slammed into me in an almighty bear-hug and spun me around and Terry, the quieter of the two hugged me tight. He whispered, “I’m so glad you’re back! I missed you.”

After a few more minutes of hellos and introductions, Joe and Terry took the horses and cattle away, and the rest of us went into the house. Cathy made coffee and served some cookies, telling us lunch wouldn’t be far off. Barry said that we would all be staying here this night and that I could go home tomorrow.

After we had settled down and had some coffee, Barry eyed me. “Where is Jae, Dave?”

I swallowed hard and shook my head. Jim coughed lightly and placed his mug down on the coffee table. “It’s difficult but easier for me than Dave. I’m sorry for this bad news, and not easy, but Jae was killed.”

Cathy was beside me in seconds, arms around me and I couldn’t hold back the sobs. Jim and Gareth went outside while Barry joined me on the sofa. The both of them held me as I let go of my pent-up grief. As I quieted, Cathy brought me a handkerchief. The boys came in and she told them quietly, both came to me and said they were very sorry. They said they thought of Jae as their friend and that he’d be missed. Cathy asked them to fetch some extra beans and things from the garden, so they went out to do that.

I mopped my eyes. “I’m okay. Thank you both. It’s been hard; I thought I’d done my crying at Jim’s … but telling people, well it’s just hard.”

Cathy smiled and glanced at Barry before saying, “I’m going to start lunch. It’s just soup and sandwiches … you’ll eat, won’t you, Dave?”

“Yes, thanks, Cathy. I will.” I was hungry in spite of everything. We hadn’t eaten since the previous night.

After that she went into the kitchen, and left me with Barry. He was a good man and a good friend and I know he was concerned. “You really okay, Dave?”

I nodded. “Yeah, getting there. I miss him like mad.”

“Yeah, you will buddy, you will. I missed Tina for so long.” He scrubbed his face with work-roughened hands. “Don’t rush it, but don’t wallow either.”

“I’m trying not to.”

“Good. You know you can stay here with us. You’re welcome to.”

“Thanks, Barry, but I’ve been missing home, ya know? My place.” I started to say more but stopped.

“You want to go home. I understand that, Dave. Terry has been over there a few times. He’s cleaned up and gotten the barn and chicken coop back into shape. We knew you’d want to go back home. But please stay tonight.”

“I will Barry, thanks.”

Barry stood. “Terry will go over with you tomorrow. He’ll help you if you need it.”

I stood up and shook Barry’s hand. “Thank you for everything.”

“By the way, Dave. Mersey—he’s yours, you know that, right?”

“Thanks. He’s an amazing animal.” I didn’t want to give up that horse. He was like my best friend.

Cathy stood in the dining room after calling in Gareth and Jim. “Come on everyone, let’s get some lunch.”

The soup was thick and homey and the sandwiches the same. I wondered if people in the past would have eaten this kind of thing. After two months on the road, it was good to be back with people I care about, sharing a meal that we worked hard to grow and make ourselves.

After lunch I went out to help in the barn, and I checked on Mersey as well. He seemed fine and was resting happily in his stall. We spent a few hours storing this year’s hay in readiness for the coming winter. Afterward, I took Mersey out of his stall, put him in the cross ties and gave him a much deserved grooming. Afterward his coat and hooves were gleaming.

“Nice to be clean, right buddy?” I rubbed his broad head. I heard a soft voice next to me.

“Nice, but I think you may want to thin his mane and give it and his tail a trim.” Terry stood beside me smiling. He reached out and scratched Mersey’s back.

“I … um would if I had the slightest idea how.” I’d never even thought about it.

“I can show you. It’s not hard. Maybe after a bath in the river, back at your place.” He gave Mersey’s rump a solid farewell thump and walked away.

“Thanks, Terry!” I called after him.

I released Mersey from the cross ties and led him back to the stall. He walked in happily and started munching on the carrot I offered him. I stood watching this wonderful animal, then gave him a final pat of my own and started toward the house. One more night and I’d be back home.

As I walked across the yard, Barry caught up to me. “Dave, the boys took some chickens and Jessy back to your place—along with some feed and hay. Jessy may be pregnant again. We kind of shoved all the animals up in a safe pasture and, well, the bull was a very happy camper.”

“Okay, well she is or isn’t; can’t be helped.” I stopped for a minute. “I’m glad it’s all over. Glad that you and Cathy, and the boys are all okay.”

Barry put a fatherly arm around my shoulders. “I’m so sorry about Jae. He was a good man and I know you loved him.”

I could only nod as Barry hugged me tighter. We walked into the ranch house together.

Dinner was delicious, and afterward we took a wagon ride over to see a few people who had decided to stay nearby. Sam Davis and Steve and few others had decided to return to their older homestead. The ones who had stayed here were living in pre-existing homes, just as I had moved into my little place. Barry was supplying everyone with a cow, which they could bring to his place to have serviced by the bull if they wanted.

People seemed to be settling in, but they had winter to get through—we all did. However, the feeling was one of sharing and community, and from what people said, none of us wanted to mess it up.

We had a little impromptu meeting at the nearly completed community hall. Cathy brought up the idea of all of us putting in what we could spare and then making like a food bank sort of thing. Some of these people had food with them, but still there was no way they would be able to grow enough to get through winter. We needed to preserve some food and Barry offered several cattle to slaughter, so we could smoke and share the meat.

One man said that on the way here they’d passed a place that may have had pigs. It was decided that Joe and a couple of other men would go to try and bring some back. Pigs would be welcome for a number of reasons.

Cathy asked if anyone had any ideas for their co-op. She seemed to have the taking of this onboard—her own project!

Gareth stood. “What if we each plant different crops and then share the bounty? If we work together to grow the right things, it could work. Just take a little planning.”

“Good idea,” Cathy said. “You willing to help with that, Gareth?”

“Oh yes, Ma’am. I can certainly do that.”

I left them, talking and setting up our co-op, and went to stand outside. The sun was setting and I watched it go for a few minutes.

“Hey, Dave. You okay?”

It was Terry. “Yes, I’m fine, thanks. Just times like this when I miss him most. When it’s beautiful like this, we used to sit out after supper and watch it together.”

Terry nodded. “I understand.”

I turned to face him. “You been working on this building?”

He gazed at it. “Yeah, some. Everyone is helping. We need to get the roof on before the snow.”

“I guess I can help.”

“Dave, everyone knows what you’ve been through. You need to go home and take some time to finish mourning Jae. It’s not going to be easy going back there. If you want, I’ll ride with you. I can stay and care for the animals. I’ll stay in the barn so you can have your privacy.”

I didn’t know what to say. It was such a kind offer. “I think maybe I should …” I thought better of my response, not knowing if I felt ready to take on the running of the farm immediately. I wasn’t ready, if I was honest. “Does your Dad know?”

“Yup. It was his idea, but I agreed.” Terry grinned at me. “So?”

Nodding, I answered, “But you aren’t staying in the barn. I have a perfectly good spare room you can sleep in.”

“Fair enough.” Terry slapped me on the shoulder. “Oh, by the way, if you agree, I’d like to bring a mare for Mersey to breed. He’s got so many good points. You okay with that too?”

“Um, yeah sure. I’m sure he’d enjoy it.” The pair of us grinned like idiots.

“Great. He’s not from our stock, so some new blood would be a good thing.”

The meeting was breaking up because the light was going. I was glad; I was still stressed and tired, and bed was sounding way good to me right at that moment.

We climbed back into the wagon and returned to the ranch. And then after another of Cathy’s delicious cookies and a final cup of coffee, I said goodnight.

Thankfully they didn’t put me in the room that Jae had stayed in last. I’d carried a bucket of water upstairs and gave myself a gentleman’s bath. Now clean, I dried myself with the rough towel and crawled gratefully in between the cool sheets. I’m sure I was asleep in minutes.

The morning poured into the room slowly. The cool night air was replaced with sun-warmed breezes that wafted through the window-screen. They gently tickled exposed skin and hair. As I woke in reply, I turned, my hands reaching for the warm body that was not there—my heart breaking once more as I remembered. How many times can a broken heart recover?

Fully awake now, I sat up and pulled on my jeans. I smelled food; eggs and something baking and I was hungry. And I was going home today.

I poked my head into the kitchen to ask if I could be of any use. Cathy and Barry both greeted me and said no, but sent me instead to sit at the groaning table. It was laden with toast, scrambled eggs, raspberry oat muffins, milk and coffee.

Greeting Gareth and Jim, I poured myself a cup of coffee and sat down. Barry came in and sat too. “Some good pork sausage would make this perfect. I hope Joe can find those pigs.”

Barry said, “I was thinking that maybe we should keep them in a more central location. It’d be easier to put our scraps together and feed them. Pigs like company and I think keeping them together, then slaughtering one or two will keep us in meat.”

“We have preservation issues though,” I said. “We’ll need to build a smokehouse. I know you have one, Barry, but if we’re sharing we’ll need more room.”

“You’re right. We will, but I think we can leave that until spring.”

Jim and I nodded. Cathy had joined us, as had Terry. We all tucked into the food. These people were good company and I thought of them as my family.

After a final cup of coffee with chicory, I said thank you and my farewells. We knew we’d see each other soon. Terry and I went to saddle our horses. We rode out, with Terry leading a mare Mersey was very interested in.

But he mainly behaved himself until we got home.

We put the horses in their stalls with the mare as far from Mersey as we could. He wasn’t pleased about it.

“I’ll take them out together tomorrow and let them do what comes naturally,” Terry said to me as we groomed and fed the horses.

I really didn’t want to be present for that, but I asked Terry if he needed help.

“No Dave. I’ll take her out first, exercise her, and I’ll do the same with Mersey. She’s ready and it doesn’t take long. They know what to do.”

We worked until lunch. We ate the food that Cathy had packed and then continued on until the weather started to turn. The sky got black and lightening streaked, and the air crackled. After shutting up the chickens, putting Jessy in her stall and making sure the horses were okay, we closed up the barn and headed inside.

It had begun to pour and we were both drenched as we made it into the mudroom. I stripped off my soaking shirt and hung it up. I turned around to find Terry staring at me.

“What?”

He moved closer and ran a finger down my chest. He spoke so softly I could barely hear him, “Such nice abs.” His finger stopped at the waistband of my denims. He gazed into my eyes, slipped his arms around me and kissed me softly. He pulled me close, his skin smelled of wood smoke, rain and honey.

I found myself returning the kiss but it was he who broke away first. “Dave, I know it’s too soon, but I like you. Always have. I’ll be here when you’re ready.”