Change of Heart - 17. chapter seventeen

Danny was sure the big man shrank even as he turned away. He couldn't explain it but the big guy reminded him of a scolded puppy. Regretting his harshness, Danny reached out and grabbed his arm, saying, “Where are you going? I thought you brought me a drink. The least you can do is stay and talk a while.” Instead of relief, as he expected, Danny saw confusion on Raymond's face. He pushed on, “Look, Jeff's Uncle, er, uh your Uncle Joe had a talk with me yesterday. He said it was your recommendation that helped him decide to back me for Sheriff. He made it clear that his support was not contingent upon any relationship we might have had or may have in the future.” Danny reached out to take his drink from Raymond and was surprised by the jolt he felt when their fingers touched.

Raymond hoped the surge he felt at Danny's casual touch was not obvious. He regained his composure, “You know, Aunt Mellie is your first official campaign volunteer. Keep in mind that was before Uncle Joe agreed to run for Mayor.”

“Yeah, I spoke to them when I got here. Mr. Adams didn't seem too excited about it, but Mellie was tickled pink that he was finally becoming active in local politics. I admit I’m looking forward to working with him. As you well know, I’ve known him most of my life. He’s a good man.”

“I agree. I have never known a finer man, er, uh, Daniel. Is it alright to call you Daniel? Sheriff Lovan seems like I’m under arrest and Danny seems like the adolescent I used to know.”

“Guess I'll have to get used to being called Sheriff. I’ve been Danny for so long. Daniel was saved for when I got into trouble. But coming from you, it sounds better and better the more I hear it. It does seem to be a little more mature and professional than Danny.”

“I hope I never again come across as being disrespectful to you. I assure you, I have a great deal of respect for you as a law enforcement officer. That respect is not affected by my personal feelings. I believe the best professional relationships are built on mutual respect, not friendship. I am fortunate in that I’m surrounded by people whom I like, love and respect.” Even Raymond could sense the stilted tone in his voice.

Realizing his nerves were getting the best of him, he paused for a small sip of his whisky. “The wealth this family has accumulated was done so by making difficult, dispassionate and sometimes harsh decisions. In my position, I have made more than a few of those decisions. When I was younger, I tried to take action based on asking myself ‘what would Jeff's father or Uncle Joe do?’ At some point, I realized that they trusted me to act in their best interests. They are constantly apprised and involved in all significant decisions and operations. I would like to think I make the best possible decisions based on the best information available at the time. I most always operate from a position of strength and integrity unencumbered by emotion. Our encounter yesterday reflected none of the qualities I like to think I possess. I acted like a complete blithering, fucking, idiot.

Letting his heart speak, Raymond could hear his voice relax. “Instead of simply telling you I was still attracted to you, I acted out of fear of rejection. Rather than ask for the opportunity to get to know you better, I made a complete fool of myself. I can't stand to even replay that conversation in my mind, let alone discuss it face to face with you. There have been few moments in my life I have regretted both professionally and personally. There has never been anything I have ever done in my life I regret more than the way I behaved with you. If I had told you how I felt all those years ago, you could have at least been made aware of my feelings and fears. Especially after the most memorable kiss of my life. If I had approached you more honestly yesterday… I, uh, well, I don't know, but at least you might not think of me as the world's biggest asshole.”

Raymond took a strong gulp of his whiskey and proceeded to choke. Danny turned him sideways and slapped him on the back. Jeff and Paul walked up to say hello, “Danny, is this police brutality or are you getting friendly with my Uncle?”

“Nah, I’m not into public displays of affection. I like to keep that kind of activity behind closed doors. Unlike some cowboy lawyer and vet I know.” Danny realized he was talking faster than normal, but he couldn't help himself. “I figured I was going to have to pour cold water on you two when you got to slow dancing. A couple of folks looked like they were ready to puke in the punch bowl. Most of ‘em were watching to see if you two were gonna get nekkid and go at it. That was probably the most enlightening and entertaining thing they've seen outside of something on HBO. It’ll be the talk of the town tomorrow.”

Paul blushed noticeably. Jeff saw a challenge. “Well, I don't give a damn about those homophobic asshats. Maybe we should really give them something to talk about.”

Paul spoke up. “Cowboy, I don't know what you have in mind but you need to stop and think about it. You're going to be living and dealing with these people every day. So am I and so is Maria. I think we stretched their perceptions tonight by dancing and showing them we're a couple. We were not ‘dirty’ dancing. He’s just pissed cause he can't ask your, uh, our Uncle Raymond to dance. Ain't that right Sheriff, or are you going to start your political career off by lying to your constituency.”

Danny's eyes opened wide and for a moment he looked just like a kid caught with his hand in the cookie jar. He tried to recover quickly but Jeff caught the guilty look. “Well, I’ll be damned! I knew you had the hots for Uncle Raymond when we were teenagers, but I figured you'd outgrown it. I thought it kind of gross, almost like incest. But, then you ain't related.” Glaring appraisingly at his Uncle, he asked, “Uncle Raymond, how long has this been going on? Have you two been carrying on behind my back all this time? I never suspected a thing.”

“NO!!” It wasn't in harmony, but it was in stereo. Raymond and Danny stared into each other's eyes for a moment until Raymond finally nodded. Danny nodded in return then addressed Jeff, “Jeff, when we were all younger, I was very much attracted to your… to Raymond. Things happened and we went our separate ways. Now we have found a renewed mutual attraction, I guess that's what you'd call it, at least on my part.” He looked almost hopefully to Raymond.

“Jeff, I was attracted to Danny when I was in law school and he was still in high school. The age difference made it illegal to have a serious relationship. Plus I thought he would grow out of his teenage crush. I buried my feelings and got on with my life. Being around him now has brought back those same feelings of attraction. Unfortunately, I royally screwed up the first chance I had to get to know him. Tonight I’m desperately hoping to make a change for the better. We were just beginning to talk when you two walked up.”

Paul took Jeff's arm to guide him away, “Well, we’ll give y’all some time to get to know each other again. If we can help in any way, don't hesitate to ask. The way you two look at each other right now you might want to take the discussion somewhere more private. Come on Cowboy, let's go say hello to some of my clients.” Paul walked away towing a still disbelieving Jeff behind.

Watching the couple as they departed, Danny offered, “Raymond, I don't know that I trust myself enough to be alone with you right now. I don't want to wind up in the same situation I did years ago. I would like to get to know you better, maybe spend some time together. But, it will be a while before I can let my guard down and trust you again.”

Raymond asked hesitantly, “Are you saying there is a chance for us to start again?”

“What I’m saying is, we can take some time to get to know each other. We won't be hopping into the sack on our first date. You understand I have to be careful. I can ignore rumors and speculation, I’ve learned how to deal with that part of my life. I can't do any PDA. I won't be holding your hand or dancing with you or kissing you on Main Street. If you insist on dancing we’ll have to go to Dallas. I won't lie, but I won't answer questions about my sex life. If what I do ain't illegal, it's nobody's business.”

Raymond suddenly felt like a kid in a candy store. “I’m so damn happy right now I could kiss you: right here, right now. But, I understand. We can take it slow and never any PDA.”

“You know I’m gonna need a campaign manager. He’d have to be pretty savvy when it comes to politics and he’d have to be right handy both day and night. You happen to know anyone that would fit the bill?”

“I would be proud to help in any way I can. I happen to know, when the time comes, you will have a dedicated professional team of experts. As your official campaign manager, I will be by your side every possible moment, both day and night. Perhaps we should step into Uncle Joe's office and discuss our campaign strategy.”

Once they stood outside Joe's office, Raymond first pressed his thumb against the doorknob. Then, after the slightest hesitation, he turned the knob. Danny was intrigued. “Was that a fingerprint lock?”

Raymond nodded and added, “With a traditional, albeit high security, key and lock back up. Our more at risk spaces use a combination retina scan and simultaneous multiple fingerprint-palm scanners.”

Raymond took a seat on the sofa nearest the fireplace. He was only slightly disappointed when Daniel chose an adjacent armchair. For a few moments, they were content to simply gaze upon one another. Raymond broke the silence. “I suppose if we are to get to know each other better, we're going to have to talk. I guess I’ll start. My mother was born here in town. She went to school with both the senior Adams. She even dated Jeff's dad. According to Uncle Joe, there was even talk of marriage. After graduation, he went off to the Air Force Academy and my mother went to live and work in California. There she met my Dad, who was about to graduate from law school. They married and moved back here when I was four, after my mother inherited her father's ranch. My Dad died in a boating accident when I was ten years old.

“At some point, I got involved with 4H and met Uncle Joe, who was a volunteer. He stepped in to help me when Mom sold the ranch and moved to town, about a year after Dad died. I spent more time with Uncle Joe and Aunt Mellie than I did at home.”

“What about your Mom? Is she still living?”, Danny asked. He felt like Raymond wanted to talk about himself. Danny admitted he wanted to know all about this hunky man he had dreamed about for years. The pained expression that greeted his question made him want to retract his question.

“Just after my sixteenth birthday, I told her I was gay. She was dating a local preacher at the time. One of those ‘hellfire and brimstone’ kind. He talked her into sending me to a “rehab for homos’. I begged and pleaded, but she agreed with him that it was for my own good. He assured her I was sick and could be healed by professionals at the special camp in Idaho.

“I understood nobody wanted to be around a queer teenager ‘doomed to hell’. I had no close surviving relatives and my friends had always made fun of gays. I never felt so alone in my life. So, I decided to run away to Dallas. I had worked for Uncle Joe and managed to save some money. I wasn't sure about how I would survive long term. I just wanted to get away.

“Before I even made it to the highway I became ravenously hungry. I was near a fast food joint and I knew better than to waste my money, but, instead of a cheap burger and fries, I decided to eat at the diner for my last meal in town. My Dad used to take me there on special occasions and sometimes for no reason at all. It was something I remembered us doing that seldom included my mother. Uncle Joe took me there if we were in town and got hungry. He has never cared for fast food. He likes to think his beef winds up in places like the diner instead of Mickey D’s. He and Aunt Mellie were the only ones I felt bad about leaving behind.

“Before I even had time to taste my strawberry pie, Uncle Joe was taking a seat at my booth. Julie set a slice of apple pie and a cup of coffee in front of him. I remember the first thing he said was, ‘When we get back to the ranch, don't go flappin’ your yap about me having pie with you. I already had dinner and dessert. Your Aunt Mellie will have a fit.’

“We didn't really talk much until we got into his big old Tahoe and I could see we were headed out to the ranch. I wanted him to know what I was before we got out of town. While we were stopped at the last traffic light heading out of town, I just blurted out the whole story about how my mother didn't want me because I was gay. The light changed and he pulled into the first available parking lot. I understood he was rejecting me just like my own mother had. I unbuckled my seatbelt and opened the door. Uncle Joe grabbed my arm and when I met his eyes he just looked heartbroken and shook his head. I hated seeing the disappointment in his eyes. That was when I broke down and cried my eyes out. Joe came around to my side and pulled me out of the truck and into a big warm bear hug. For the first time since my Daddy died, I felt safe and loved. I felt like I was home.

“The next day, he, Aunt Mellie, and a lawyer met with my mother and the preacher. They came back to the ranch with most of my stuff and just about everything that was left that had belonged to my father. I took it to mean that she was through with him and me. She and I haven't spoken since. Later that year she married the preacher, I wasn't invited to the wedding.

“Uncle Joe insisted I work on the ranch in my spare time to ‘earn my keep’. In return, I got paid and I got the use of a pickup. All I had to do was wash it and keep the oil changed.

“I knew early on I wanted to be a lawyer, like my father. I had my heart set on Stanford, his Alma Mater. I got accepted but lacked the funds to comfortably attend. Uncle Joe told me I was family and not to worry about expenses. That was the closest we ever came to an all-out argument. We finally agreed that I would accept assistance from him and Aunt Mellie. In return, I would agree to work for their family matching a year for each year I pursued higher education. I spent all my summers working for the Adams Family Trust. It helped a lot in my studies toward a JD/MBA degree. Uncle Joe has treated me better than if I was his own son. It's hard to put into words how I feel about the Adams’. Aunt Mellie nurtured me as much as I would let her but always understood if I was withdrawn. She never pushed me except, to be honest with myself and to always do my best. I know they love me. I almost feel traitorous to my father's memory when I think about how much I love them. But, I like to think he would have been proud of me.”

Raymond breathed a heavy sigh. Realizing his glass was empty, he moved to the wet bar and retrieved a bottle of water from the refrigerator. Displaying the bottle to Daniel he grabbed another when Daniel nodded. Returning to his seat he continued with his history. “I want to be honest with you about my life. There may be some things I’ve done of which you would disapprove. There may be some you might think are reprehensible. For instance, when I got to Stanford I went a little crazy. I couldn't believe the indifference toward gays. No one took it as a personal insult to God if you admitted being gay. It wasn't long before I became involved with a graduate student. I thought it was love and he thought I was hot. It was shortly after returning after the holidays that I found out he was getting fucked by a number of other students and at least one faculty member. I was disenchanted with the idea of love and set about whoring my way through the rest of my freshman year.

“When I came home for the summer, Uncle Joe said he could see I had a different attitude. It took a while, but he helped me to realize that sex and love were separate and unique and most often only slightly intertwined. When you were lucky enough to truly combine the two you could never again be fully satisfied with sex alone. Like I said, it took some time before I fully internalized that concept. When I did, I found I could relax and enjoy sex without keeping a scorecard or getting too wrapped up in a nonexistent emotional connection. Sex became an aspect of my being instead of the driving force. I didn't become celibate, but I like to think I matured a great deal. Masturbation, once again, became my default method of release.

“I had a few casual, monogamous relationships in my college years. Most melded into friendships. A couple ended acrimoniously. In law school, I met a man I thought I could come to love. We shared an apartment for about a year. He insisted we have an open relationship. I learned soon enough that ‘open relationship’ really meant ‘let's fuck until someone better or richer comes along’. Since then, when I get horny enough, I pull up tinder or some other app and meet for anonymous sex. I refuse to apologize for that, it meets a need. I always play safe. I have never barebacked. I get tested regularly. I contribute to gay and AIDS-related charities regularly. I enjoy cooking and eating, running, swimming, golf, and of course horses and I’m a bit of a car nut. I like popular oldies from the sixties and seventies and eighties. I love to play my Dad’s vinyl collection. I don't like hip-hop. I tolerate today's country music only slightly better than classical music. I about got myself killed twice in one hellacious winter in Moscow. I hate cold weather and dislike all things Russian except Ilya, Tink, and vodka.

“Oh, and I hope you believe in monogamous relationships because I don't intend to ever share you.”

As the subsequent silence grew, Raymond was slightly embarrassed that he had not given Daniel a chance to contribute much to the conversation.

“So, what about you?”

Daniel’s thumbnail picked at the label on his bottle of water. “I was born here. I knew early on that I was gay. I kept quiet until Jeff and I started to fool around. We mainly jerked off together. Then Jeff started teaching me stuff that he learned from some other guy. It was all exciting. Jeff came out to his folks and they still loved him. So, I came out to mom and dad. They tried to be ok with it but my dad was old school and he found it hard to equate being a man with being gay. I think I made him proud when I joined the Marines and was awarded a couple of medals. I got out and came back home to go to college. He has convinced me that he is proud of his son, ‘who happens to be gay’. I suspect he did some first-hand research about the gay stuff. He and his buddy Fred spend a lot of time now, fishing and hunting together. I just hope Mom never watches Brokeback Mountain. They both laughed at that notion.

Daniel continued, “Like I said, me and Jeff fooled around, but in the Corps, I was straight-laced. I even fucked a couple of whores when I couldn't avoid it. I pretty much kept to myself. I mean I got friends I made while on active duty that I can still count on and it goes both ways. But, I don't think they have a clue about me. In college, I got to know one of my professors very well. Eventually, we became lovers. We each loved our profession more than each other. The Sheriff's department was the first law enforcement organization interested in my application. The Texas Rangers did want to interview me, but I had already committed and besides, Sheriff's deputy pays better.

“As to sex, I haven't used any apps. Though I have perused them a few times for jerk off material. Once every month or so I drive into Dallas for a bar hookup or an overnight stay if the vibe is right. It meets a need. Relationships? Never really came close. I don't think you understand how strongly I felt about you. Even as a virgin teenager I dreamed of a life with you. You were my world. When you kissed me I thought my heart would explode, it beat so hard and fast. I ran because I didn't want anyone, especially you, to see I had cum in my jeans. I walked on clouds until I realized you didn't feel the same way about me. I can't say I was suicidal, but I was without any real joy in my life for a long time. My folks even considered sending me to therapy. I am not trying to lay a guilt trip on you. I am telling you what I would honestly tell any man who has expressed an interest in developing a closer, more personal relationship. I understand that you didn't come away untouched by that kiss. Jeff is the only close friend I have ever had. If he hadn't already been closer than a brother to me I doubt we would have remained friends. As it stands now, I have professional and casual acquaintances, but no real friends. I just don't let people get that close. I'm not sure how to let anyone, even you, get close.”

Raymond didn't respond for a moment, “I think the way to get close is to relax and try to be receptive to someone’s feelings toward you.” He stood and extended his hand. Daniel accepted the proffered help and stood. Raymond could clearly see the tiny beads of sweat pearling on Daniel’s upper lip. He edged closer, as if approaching a skittish colt. He could feel his own sweat rolling down his spine. His eyes flickered between Daniel's lush, full lips and his fearful eyes. Slowly he closed the distance, as if stepping through a minefield. At the last moment, he nervously licked his own lips.

Finally! His lips made contact and in a flash Raymond was again back in that horse stall, holding someone thrilling and precious. He, again, clearly smelled the hay and the horses. Just like the first time, the kiss pulsed an electric current from his lips to his groin, set his heart to pounding, and made his gut clench while his brain exploded in a wild array of brilliant colors. When he felt Daniel’s tongue stroke his lips he sucked it in as if his life depended on it. His tongue tasted Daniel for the first time in years and all he could think was, MORE!

Hands were pulling, caressing, stroking, and grabbing, trying desperately to increase the contact. Each man tried, at once, to consume and be consumed by the other. As they struggled to be one in both body and spirit, what sensations they gave, they received in return.

Daniel tugged Raymond’s zipper down, but couldn't free the engorged cock. Raymond was all too willing to cooperate by undoing his belt and letting his trousers fall around his feet. Daniel dropped to his knees taking Raymond's boxer briefs with him. At last, he saw what he had, for years, only imagined. There, in all its glory, proudly stood a piece of manhood to be truly envied. Daniel was certain it was over eight inches long with a hefty girth. The foreskin partially exposed a glistening head that was slightly larger than the shaft. When he firmly grasped its base, it spit out a surge of precum. It was so much that for an instant Daniel was afraid Raymond was cumming. He extended his tongue to catch it before it could drip away. The taste was at once sweet and salty, and he wanted more.

He tried to pull all of Raymond into himself through his mouth, starting with his cock. As it hit the back of his throat, he swallowed and forced it in deeper. Gripping, massaging and pulling on Raymond's ass he soon felt trimmed pubic hair tickle his nose. His body convulsed trying desperately to expel the massive intruder. Daniel refused to release his long awaited and longed for prize. He used his teeth, his tongue, and his throat to extract as much pleasure for himself and his lover. Sensing Raymond was close and determined not to cum in his own pants this time, he frantically freed his shaft and began furiously working toward his climax.

Raymond had thought Daniel was almost virginal until his lover swallowed his shaft on the first attempt. There was no hesitation, only dedicated enthusiasm. Raymond caressed Daniel’s close-cropped hair. He tried to look into Daniel's eyes but saw they were closed, not clinched in concentration more relaxed like contemplative meditation. The way the man was stroking his own cock was anything but contemplative. Raymond, between a grunt and a moan, directed, “Daniel, open your eyes.”

That simple act, that shared, soul-searching glance ignited their moment of ecstasy. Raymond couldn't keep himself from driving his cock relentlessly into Daniel's throat. Suddenly there was no more climbing, no building, no peaking, there was only cataclysmic urgency and just like that, Raymond's universe exploded.

For Daniel, it was before the first tangy taste, before the, already too big, manroot enlarged itself, even more, he saw it coming in his Raymond's eyes. He knew, without a doubt, he was about to make his lover come undone, and that was his own undoing. Even as the first spurt of liquid ecstasy surged forcefully down his throat, his own cock began to unload with geyser-like expulsions. It took all his cognitive ability to aim his load away from Raymond's clothes and shoes. Through it all, they maintained unblinking eye contact.

Only as Raymond pulled Daniel to his feet did he reluctantly release Raymond's manhood. Through a massive grin, Raymond extended his tongue to catch some cum dripping down Daniel's chin. Once he was satisfied with his cleanup he pulled Daniel into a tongue wrestling kiss that had both men thinking about a rematch.

Breaking the kiss, Raymond reached down to pull up his pants. Instead, he dropped to his knees and began licking and sucking on Daniel's semi-hard cock. He was impressed that the size was a match for his own, if not bigger. He was pleased to note that Daniel too, was uncut. He was settling into an attempt at returning what had been the greatest blowjob he had ever received. Daniel clasped his head, forcing him off his cock. “Okay, barrister. Have you forgotten where we are? Come on we need to get you dressed and rejoin the celebration.”

Raymond, with more than a little hesitation, stood, forgetting his pants he stared hopefully into Daniel's eyes, “Please, tell me I didn't fuck us up this time too.”

Daniel chuckled, “No. If you look at that puddle of cum you keep trying to step in, you’d know I enjoyed it every bit as much as you. I can't promise you when or if it will ever happen again, but I enjoyed it very much and I have no regrets.”

This time he actually pulled up his pants. When he saw the puddle of cum, he muttered, “Holy Shit! Is that your cum or did someone milk a cow in here.” He chuckled the whole time he was helping Daniel clean it up.

Trying not to look too guilty or too satiated, they, again, joined the festivities. The numbers had diminished, but those that remained were making good use of the still plentiful food, the bar, and the dance floor.

Raymond was a bit surprised when Daniel went to the bar and returned with two whiskys Joe eyed them appraisingly as he approached. He greeted them with, “Well, I can see you two finally caught up with each other. It's about damn time. I hope to hell you two didn't leave my office in a mess. I don't need Rosa talking to Mellie about suspicious stains.”

Daniel was dumbfounded!

Raymond simply laughed, saying, “If you don't tell on us, Uncle Joe, I won't tell about the cum rag you keep in your desk.”

“Son, I’m glad you're not a trial lawyer. For your information, I don't keep a dedicated cum rag anywhere. Why do you think I taught you to keep a clean handkerchief in your hip pocket? The same reason those old Waddies wore a bandanna. You simply clean yourself up and rinse it out and you're good to go until the next time you cum.” He winked at Daniel and headed to the bar to get a drink.

Jeff and Paul walked up to say good night. Jeff was carrying a conked out Maria, who kept mumbling, “I don't want to go home.”

Paul eyed them and smiled knowingly, “I can tell y’all took my advice and found a quiet place to... “talk”. I’m glad.”

Once they exchanged their good nights, Daniel turned to Raymond and solemnly asked, “Are you sure I don't have cum on my face?”

Raymond reassured his lover, “Daniel you know they're just pulling our chains. Never underestimate the enemy, but don't give them any credit they don't deserve.”

All too soon, Daniel knew it was time to take his leave. He regretted saying goodnight to Raymond, but he was excited about the new possibilities for their future together. Before he reached the road leading into town and his lonely little house, his phone beeped with a text. Deciding not to wait, he pulled over and turned on his flashers. The text was from Raymond, “Thank you for giving me another chance. I will do my best to make sure you never regret it.”

Daniel thought for a moment, then responded with, “We’re going to take it slow. If you're in town tomorrow, maybe we could have lunch at the diner.”

He felt ridiculous when his pulse fluttered as the little dots indicated a response was being typed. It read, “if that's an invite I’ll be there. What time?”

“How about noon. Text me or call to let me know you're on your way so I can meet you there. BTW, goodnight. If we don't quit texting, I won't get home tonight.”

“I’ll text you. Goodnight. Drive safe.”

Later, miles apart, both men slept soundly after cumming once more while reliving the hottest sexual encounter either could remember.