November Falls - 2. Chapter 2 - Brady

I thought to myself as I hopped out of the taxi. I straightened out my suit, and then looked at the front of the auditorium at my old high school. It was decorated with balloons around the front and a big banner that said “WELCOME BACK CLASS OF 96!” Can’t believe I’m back here again. Others from my class were swanning in the front doors with their partners. Some nodded to me in recognition, some glowered shooting daggers, others not at all. I must have been a giant douche back then.

I was that guy back in high school, I had a group of friends, and we were all pretty tight. We would play some type of sport together on weekends, or would all go camping, sometimes just hang around and make a general nuisance of ourselves. My world revolved around them. I was never big on chit-chat, but they looked up to me – fuck knows why. I was a simple guy, a jock, and I had a big secret. I was gay, so far locked in my closet, daylight struggled to get in. Being gay in the neighborhood where I grew up, that was not a good thing, not unless you wanted the crap beaten out of you, by your “schoolmates,” and the parents weren’t much better. I can just imagine the sneers, whispered comments, and the, ‘you’ve got two heads’ looks. Nu-Uh, I had my closet, and that’s where I stayed at ANY cost.

I was infatuated with a boy in my year – God, please don’t let him be here tonight. The memory alone of his face, this broad shoulders, even his smell, oh god, I can feel the heat running up my neck and lighting up my face, I felt like a teenager again. His name – November, he was everything I wanted and wanted to be. The way I dealt with my crush, torture the poor guy, who was openly gay. He stared them all down, even the adults; it was the one thing I hated about him. I was jealous, he got to be himself, he didn’t give two shits what anyone else thought. He was brave, I was scared, he was beautiful, smart, and just plain hot. If only I followed his lead, my life wouldn’t be the mess it is now. It has taken 25 years to be honest with myself, tonight is going to hurt. I’m hoping for the quick sting, like when you pull off a Band-Aid. My closet is calling me, but no, I can’t go back into it, not now, not ever.

I walked up the stairs to the hall, and in the foyer, there was a welcome table set-up with all name badges spread neatly across it. Behind the table sat Brenda Small. Fuck! Back in high school, I had a steady girlfriend, her name – Brenda Small, and here she was right in front of me, of course. She was the most popular girl in school, everyone wanted us, or they wanted to be us. I know it sounds conceited, but what can I say, it was high school. We were together all through school, I had managed to keep her to the least amount of affection I could.

On the night of our Graduation, my best mate at the time Paul decided he would have a party. November and his best mate Aaron turned up to the party, but Paul being the homophobic prick he is would not let them in. Why couldn’t I see Paul for what he was? We were all pretty much eighteen, so the grog was flowing. I don’t really remember much, I was pretty much a lightweight, but I do remember waking up the next day to find out that I’d broken up with Brenda in a spectacularly public fashion. I’d also slept with some girl, who had come from the city to party with her friend – nameless face. To this day, I still don’t remember who that friend was. Not the best way to lose your virginity; but I can think of worse. If November had have been at the party, I’m sure that with all the booze flowing, I would not have been able to keep my hands off him. He was so damn hot. What a guy to have as a first crush. Ugh! There might have been a chance that I would not have made a mess of the last twenty-years. The doors would have been blown off the closet, but for Paul. Ah! Who am I kidding the door was sealed pretty tightly back then.

“Brady!” Brenda purred, she stood from her seat and came around the table to hug me, “I heard you were coming, I’m so glad you did,” I expected her to be nasty or bitter, but she was all smiles. “Wow! Brady, you look fantastic. The gang’s already inside. They will be happy to see you, God, it’s been so long,” she rolled her eyes, even though she was grinning. “Twenty-years, obviously,” Brenda picked up my name badge that had a magnet on the back and fixed it to my jacket, then running her hands down my chest, “there you go, I’ll be in soon.” Oh, fantastic, the night keeps getting better and better. I smiled and nodded then moved away from the table as she greeted some more of our classmates.

After finishing high school here, it was off to University, the party girl and Brenda forgotten. Until six months later the girl – Linda – cornered me in the library telling me she was pregnant, it was mine, and she needed my help. I didn’t even know she was at the same university as me, so to say I was surprised or shocked is an understatement. Over the next three months, while we dealt with the pregnancy, we’d managed to become friends. We’d told our families about the impending birth, then my daughter was born. The pressure then started from our parents, there was nothing left to do but get married, we were happy-ish. Two years later, we had a son. I never thought I would come back to live in this town, but here I am with my son in tow, my daughter staying back in the city. She is studying at university and still has a year until she graduates – Pre-Law. My baby girl is crazy genius smart; that entirely comes from her Mum. My son is not really academically minded, he’s no fool either. He’s exceptionally talented in the arts; drawing, sketching, painting… you get the picture. My kids are like chalk and cheese, because they are polar opposites they get along like a house on fire.

My parents have money and tend to look down on people sometimes. They are rich, I am poor. I was given an education, food, and a place to live. Don’t get me wrong I love my folks, they aren’t terrible parents or people, but they believed my brother Cameron and I need to forge our own path. We were taught the meaning of a dollar. They had worked hard and earned their money and status. But with all that, we were to make our own way with no handouts. However, when they realised that I was in way over my head, both financially, emotionally even my mental health had taken a few hits. They insisted I come home for a fresh start, they would help me out – no strings, they even organised movers. They are not the kind to play games or manipulate. They’re merely a little snobbish and set in their ways. When my marriage ended, though not too happy about it, they offered to help. In the end, they wanted Linda the kids and I to be happy. A loveless marriage is just going to hurt everyone, none of us deserve that.

Ok, deep breath, that familiar smell came rushing back walking into the hall, there are round tables set up with a walkway in the middle leading to the dance floor in front of the stage. Decorations everywhere in our school colors, it was as you would expect for a reunion, cheap and overdone. The place had that same floor wax, musty smell about it from 20 years ago, it was like a lightning bolt to my senses. Off to the side is a makeshift bar, ‘I think we’re going to be good friends tonight,’ with a few stand up tables like you would see in any bar, club, or tavern. To my right there is a seating chart, I checked for my name, I am sitting with all my friends from back in high school and their partners. There was ten to a table, Ricky and I were the only single ones sitting with four other couples. Oh, Joy!

I took a deep breath, then blew it out, trying to mentally prepare myself. I was somewhere between wanting to run and wishing to disappear, but my legs didn’t get the memo. I could see Ricky standing with a couple of people at one of the high top tables in the bar area. I slowly made my way over, stopping to say hello to classmates here and there, still heading across the room. I didn’t want to talk too long and tried to avoid questions of what I’d been up to. ‘Oh you know, I’m out of the closet now, my wife left me, and I’ve lost everything including my job, moved back to town and now living with my parents,’ I should have written ‘Loser’ on my forehead in permanent marker. Why is it that stepping back into my old high school reduced my age from thirty-eight to eighteen, and that’s before any of the old insecurities mesh with the ones I have now. All I need now to complete my night of horrors is for November to walk past, “oh come on legs,” let me run.

I’m confident this night is going to kill me somehow. It’s all my Mum’s doing, she’d received the reunion invitation. I hadn’t really kept in contact with anyone from back then, not even my best friend, Paul. Mum told me as soon as we sat down to dinner last night, “I RSVP’d for you, I ticked yes for you and no for plus one,” She said as if it were a given that I would want to go. It was also flippantly followed by, “Eat your dinner, Carmen works hard so you can enjoy your food.” Carmen is their cook, she’s worked for my parents for fifteen years. Man, I could throttle my Mum sometimes. When I protested about the reunion she blew me off, “You’ll have fun,” she said, “Won’t it be great to catch up with your friends,” she said, “Maybe Brenda will be there, won’t that be nice. Maybe she’s still single,” she said. “Oh, come on, Nan,” my son said, “you remember that dads gay right, and that’s why we are living with you and Granddad,” while he gave her an eye roll. My Mum kept talking as if it weren’t real.

Linda was understandably mortified that she’d been married to me for so long and it was all a lie. I told her I loved her, that was never a lie. But she was right, it’s not that she doubted I loved her, it’s that I did not love her the way she deserved. My kids took the news well, and my son asked to live with me. Linda didn’t argue or seem upset, the two of them decided on a visitation plan between themselves which includes daily contact through text, phone calls, and the occasional video chat if they had time. I agreed to all of it, it’s their relationship, and I have no business interfering with that. They love each other, and Linda was very gracious and mindful, insisting we shared the crucial dates, like his birthday, my birthday, her birthday and Christmas. Regardless of the situation, we will be thrown together in life forever through our love for our kids, we have to get along and be patient with each other.

I suspect my son want’s to live with me because he’s also gay. But I’ll wait and let him figure it out and come to me. If I see him struggling, however, I’ll stick my nose in. I don’t want him having to go through what I did, thinking that the world was against me. That’s not fair to do to him; if I can save him that pain, I will. I'm not letting it happen to him. I was almost to the point of suicide and deeply depressed. Keeping a secret that long, and basically lying to everyone including me, was my undoing. It’s amazing how much difference it can make to one’s psyche when one is true to oneself, even though I haven't met anyone since, just the knowledge that I'm honest with myself, it just makes the sun seem to shine brighter. When the divorce finally came through, I gave Linda whatever she wanted. Call it guilt if you want, but I’d wasted nearly twenty years of her life, something I will always regret.

I approached the bar and ordered a rum and coke, if I’m going to survive tonight, it’s going to be with some liquid courage. After paying for my drink, I made my way to where Ricky was standing. He flinched when I stealthily sidled up next to him. He turned and looked, his face scrunched as if he was trying to recognize me. I could almost see the light bulb go on.

“Holy Shit! Brady?” he jibed curiously, his eyes bulging. I certainly didn’t miss the way his eyes quickly did the up down on my body, maybe I wasn’t the only one keeping secrets back all those years ago.

I chuckled, “In the flesh, so to speak,” I took a sip of my drink and then set it on the table, my hand still cupped around it.

“Man, you’ve changed. You’re tall and lean now, you were so big and all muscle back in the day?” Ricky chortled as he spoke.

I shrugged my shoulder, “Life I guess, I really only swim or run now. I don’t have time for much else. You look good though, life’s done alright by you?”

“Eh, can’t complain,” Ricky gave the couple he was standing with a quick wave then ushered me and my liquid courage across the room to our table. I didn’t even know who those people were that he was talking to. Wow, I really was a douche.

“You still live in town?” I asked as we walked.

“Yeah, I moved back after Uni. My Mum got sick, so I came home, she needed me. I got lucky with a job at the quarry using my degree, I’m a project manager,” Ricky explained sitting down on the seat next to mine, it also had our name cards. Whoever did this has apparently planned a wedding, event or two.

“Ya Mum okay?” My brow frowning in concern.

Ricky’s smile faltered, and he looked away for a moment, “Nah, she passed last year. She’s out of pain now. I miss her though, ya know.” His eyes watering a bit.

“I’ll bet, you two were really close. I always envied that, my Mum’s nice and all, but your Mum, she was like everyone’s Mum. We all loved her. I wish I’d known, I’m really sorry you’ve lost her Ricky.” I said sincerely, ‘just how much have I missed out on in these years, my friends Mum dies, and I didn’t even know she was sick.’ Okay, that was the old Brady, I’ve got to move on.

He wiped his eyes quickly, “Enough of that,” he laughed without any humour, “tell me what’s going on with you?”

“Ugh! I’m the stereotypical loser, you might say. Not worth repeating,” maybe that loser sign wasn’t as bright on my forehead, but give it time I’m sure, I looked around the room. “Not around here anyway. Maybe we can catch up later in the week?”

Ricky smiled, “I’d like that,”

“Hey Loser’s,” came the loud and boisterous voice of Paul, who was my best friend in high school.

“Hey, Dickhead!” Ricky and I said in unison, then laughed pointing at each other.

Paul took his chair and turned it around, so the back was leaning against the table and straddled it. I took pause for a moment, why was Paul always having to prove his masculinity like it was in jeopardy.

“Shit, look at you Brady, you turned into one of those nerds we used to mess with in high school,” Paul laughed loudly at his own hilarity. Ricky and I just stared at him without responding, ‘yeah you’re really funny dickhead,’ I thought to myself. “Geez, guys lighten up would ya, it was just a joke.”

Rick and I stayed silent, while we observed Paul took a gulp of his beer, and then heavily sit it on the table, “Speaking of nerds,” his eyes went sideways. I looked at where his eyes pointed, and yep, there he was, my November. Shit! He looks good, life had been kind to him. He was big and tall, broad shoulders, narrowing down to his smaller hips, his face shaped square and masculine. Not to mention the muscles, geez, could he torture me anymore? As it turns out – yes, yes, he can. I could feel my neck heat up and a knot forming in the pit of my stomach, something I haven’t felt for, okay, 20 years. November walked by our table, his ass was spectacularly displayed in a pair of bootleg jeans, polished boots and a button down shirt in cobalt blue, that color set his features off, it was just plain wrong to look so hot at a high school reunion.

I felt a pinch on my leg, I looked at Ricky, and he gave me a head tilt toward Paul. Fuck! I looked over his way, and he was glaring at me.

“Fucking hell! Don’t tell me you’re a fag, like him,” Paul all but yelled thumbing in the direction of November. Paul leaned forward, and the chair pushed into the table, rocking our drinks hard enough they spilled over the edge of the glass.

“What did you say asshole!”

November had doubled back when he heard Paul. His face flushed and his eyes on fire.

“Mind your own business, I wasn’t talking to you,” Paul stood up to get in November’s face, bet he didn’t count on November being bigger than him now. Where November was big, and all muscle; Paul was big with a beer gut and flab. I could see in Paul’s eye he’d wished he hadn’t fronted November. That little voice in my ear was saying, Brady! Get off you’re ass and do something, time to man up or surrender forever. It was like I was on autopilot. I stood up getting between Paul and November, I put my hand squarely on Paul’s chest. At some point, my mouth started to move, and words spilled out.

“Sit your ass down Paul before you make a bigger dick of yourself than you already have; if that’s possible.” You could have heard a pin drop, I was shaking inside from either anger or fear – something. Paul’s eyes were wide like a barn owl, his face was frozen. I’d never really stood up to him before, he certainly wouldn’t have been expecting me to defend November. Finally, my legs got the memo. Ricky stood up next to me and pointed with his chin. Brenda was marching in the direction of our table. Ricky leaned in and whispered, “This is better than one of them midday soapies.”

“This is bullshit, I’m going for another drink,” I said. Ricky followed alongside me. As we made our way to the bar, we could hear Brenda berating Paul all the way across the room. We watched from the bar as November’s best friend pulled him away. Damn, I can’t take my eyes off of him, and he glanced at me, I held his stare for only a second, but I could live on that for the rest of my life. I always wondered if I had come out in high school, maybe he would have considered being with me. It was a fantasy, my fantasy, but then again if that had have happened, I would not have my kids which I wouldn’t swap for the world, they are my world, but that look – yeah – that look.

“Was Paul always this much of a dick when we were in high school?” I turned to Rick frowning.

He laughed, “Um… yeah, he was. I could never understand why you two were such good friends.”

The Bartender tilted his chin as if to ask, “What do you want?”

“I’ll have a rum and coke and…” I pointed to Rick.

“I’ll have a CC and 7, thanks,”

We took our drinks to an empty standing table and watched Brenda tear Paul a new one. But also kept an eye on – Aaron, that’s his name; Aaron as he calmed November down.

“Ya gonna have to stop ogling him like that or just buy him a drink and walk over there,” Rick murmured, NO!, I’d finally regained control of my mouth, legs, and senses.

“Shit! You wanna get out of here and get a drink or something? I feel like this night is going to end in disaster if I stay.”

“Yes, please. I only came because…” Ricky stopped mid-sentence and looked around. “I’ll explain later when we aren’t around this mob.”

He threw his drink back, and I did the same, and we walked out the front door. I felt eyes on us from the bar to the exit.

“The air in there was bloody toxic,” Rick said steering me toward his car.