Noah and Jordan - 8. Chapter Eight

*** NOAH ***

Weird.

The word shouldn’t bother me. I’ve been called weird before. I know I'm a bit different. But I never thought I was different in a negative way. Just different in my own way. It's never really bothered me what others think of me. But it bothers me now knowing it comes from Jordan. I went out of my way for him. Helping him at the hospital, taking him food, just being there for him. And yet he calls me weird, clingy, and says I’m just his English partner. I guess we’re not friends after all. Who would want to be friends with a weird, clingy guy?

I sit listening to Jenn and Jordan talk about God knows what. I don’t know why I agreed to stay. I should have left. I’m not really even paying attention. Jordan has tried to talk to me a few times but I honestly don’t care to respond. I can’t listen to them anymore. I excuse myself, telling them I need to get a drink. In fact, I'm going to leave. I know Jenn will be pissed, but I also know she will forgive me when I tell her why.

I’m about to leave when Sebastian calls my name.

“Where are you going?” he asks.

“Home.”

“Can we talk?”

“Not now. I’ll call you later if that’s okay.” I honestly just want to go home.

“This will just take a minute.”

I just want this night to end. “Fine.”

“Let’s go somewhere more private.”

We walk into a room. Sebastian closes the door behind him.

“I’m sorry for what I said earlier. Come, sit.”

I reluctantly join him on the bed. “It’s fine. I’m glad you told me.”

“But I can tell what I said hurt you.”

“I’m okay, honestly, Sebastian. I’m just tired.”

“You really do like him, don’t you?”

“Excuse me?”

“Jordan … I know you care about him.”

“He’s a friend, or well, I thought he was a friend,” I say.

“You don’t have to hide it from me,” Sebastian says. “I know.”

What is he on about? “I don’t understand. I’m not hiding anything.”

“I’ve seen the way you look at Jordan.”

Shit. He knows. But how? “I’m not sure what you mean.” I know exactly what he means. He's known all along.

“Noah, I might come off as a dumb jock - believe me, I’ve gotten that before - but I have a brain and a set of eyes too. I’m okay if you choose to be with a guy or girl. You just have to be true to yourself.”

“I am true to myself,” I say. I’m not ready for this. My mouth is dry.

“I’m sorry, I don’t mean to put you in an uncomfortable situation. You don’t have to say anything. I understand this is difficult. I’ll just say this. I can relate. I’ve been in your position before. I was once afraid to embrace what I really felt inside. I came out to you because I thought it might help you. I’ve seen the way you are with Jordan. The way you look at him. The way your eyes light up when he makes you laugh. It was obvious to me almost the first time I saw you two interact. But I could be wrong. And if I am, I’m sorry. I just … I want to be there for you. I went through this alone. You don’t have to.”

All my life I’ve felt like I’ve been running. I’m tired of running. It's been awfully lonely. But this is big. This changes everything. My secret won’t be my secret anymore. I look into his eyes. There is a softness in them that tells me I can trust him. I don’t know what to do. I can say nothing. I can continue to lie. Or I can accept his help ...

I don’t want to run anymore.

“You can’t tell anyone,” I say. The moment the words leave my mouth I regret them. But it’s too late.

“I won’t, I promise.”

This is very difficult. I swallow hard. “I’ve known for years but … but I tried to ignore it.”

“How do you feel?” he asks.

“Scared shitless,” I say.

“It gets better. Coming out can be extremely therapeutic.”

“It doesn’t feel that way right now.” I feel sick.

“It takes time. And I’m here to help. Have you ever acted on …” he starts to ask.

“No,” I quickly respond. “I know you think I’m probably a loser.”

“Noah, of course I don’t think you’re a loser. This is not a race. Everyone is different. This is the first step in accepting who you are.”

Accepting who I am. I feel that is still a long way off. “Was I really that obvious? You know, when hanging out with Jordan?”

“Maybe not to everyone. But I’ve been in your shoes before. I was in love with my best friend once. It was brutal. I couldn’t stop thinking about him. All I wanted was for him to feel the same way. But I knew that wasn’t going to happen. He was straight. He had a girlfriend. It killed me.”

“Did you ever tell him?” I ask. I’d rather talk about him right now.

“No. I realized I couldn’t be around him. It wasn’t healthy. I would drive myself crazy. Walking away from him was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done in my life. But it was the right decision. I thought I would get to a point where I could be okay. But I knew that wasn’t possible. I would always want more. When I look back, I think it was the right call. He ended up marrying his girlfriend. He’s happy. And I’m happy for him.”

“I’m sorry, Sebastian.”

“Don’t be. It made me a stronger person, and helped me realize what I want. I felt really alone at that time in my life. I know how you feel. And I wanted you to know the truth about Jordan, and how he truly feels about you. I thought you should know before you fell for him even more.”

“Thank you,” I say. I'm glad he told me the truth about Jordan.

“Noah, I don’t want you to feel alone. I know how hard it is to come to terms with your sexuality. I’m here for you.”

“I’m used to being alone,” I say. “It’s just part of my life.”

“But you have me,” Sebastian says moving closer.

“You’re a good friend.”

“But maybe I can be more than a friend …”

What? I look up at him. I honestly didn’t see that coming. “I’m not sure I understand.” Oh, I think I do. But he can’t mean that.

“I know this is all really fast but ... maybe we can be more than friends.”

“You don’t want to be with me,” I say turning away.

“Why would you say that?”

“Look at you. Look at me. We’re not …”

“We’re not what?” he asks.

“There’s nothing special about me. I’m not fit. I’m just ordinary. And you …”

“Are you attracted to me?” he asks.

“Sebastian, I think you know …”

“I don’t,” he says.

I look away from him. “Yes.”

“Well, I’m also attracted to you. You are special, Noah. Sure, you’re not an athletic guy, but so what? I think you’re fucking hot! You’re smart. You make me laugh. You make me think. You’re anything but ordinary.”

Damn he knows how to make a guy blush. “I’ve never done this before.”

My head is spinning. I just came out like two seconds ago and now a gorgeous guy is asking me out. This is a lot to handle all at once.

“I understand. And you don’t have to say anything tonight. Think about it. I know this is a lot.”

“Thank you.”

“But there is one thing I know that will help you figure out what you want.”

“What’s that?” I ask confused.

Sebastian leans forward bringing his lips close to mine. Holy crap. He’s going to kiss me. My first kiss with a guy.

Our lips are just about to touch when the door suddenly nudges open. I don't have much time to react. I quickly pull back. Jordan is standing there just looking at us. Sebastian and I sit on the bed in silence.

“Oh, sorry to interrupt,” he says closing the door.

Shit.

*** JORDAN ***

That can’t be right. I’m pretty sure that is not what was going on. They weren’t kissing. No. Their lips weren’t touching. I’m pretty sure they weren’t touching. They were just close. Really, really close. Maybe they were … I don’t know. Whatever they were doing, it’s none of my business.

I find Jenn’s jacket in the third room and make my way back to the living room. Noah and Sebastian are both there. Sebastian looks like he normally does. Noah looks flush.

“Your jacket,” I say to Jenn.

“Thank you! Turns out Noah is still here, so I’ll walk home with him. I had a great night. Happy birthday again!”

I look at Noah and remember the dream. I look at Jenn. “I really enjoyed spending time with you tonight. If you don’t mind … could I call you sometime and maybe we could hang out?”

Jenn looks over at Noah. He doesn’t say anything. He is staring off into the distance. He does that a lot!

“Sure,” she says. I hand her my phone and she adds her number.

“Excellent. Bye, Noah. Thanks for coming,” I say.

“Bye, Jordan. Happy birthday,” he says looking at the floor.

And with that they leave. Most of the guests are now gone. John and Caleb are cleaning up. I help them pick up some stuff. Sebastian sticks around a bit longer as well.

“It seems like you and Noah are becoming friends,” I say to him. I want to know what the hell was happening in that room!

“Yeah. He’s a cool guy. It was just loud and stuffy outside, so we were just talking in the room.”

“Makes sense,” I say. I want to know more, but I don’t know what to ask. I can’t just ask if they were about to kiss. Besides, Sebastian is straight. So is Noah. There is no reason why they would kiss.

“What were you talking about?” That is the best I can come up with.

“Nothing in particular. He was telling me about school, I talked about volleyball,” he says. “Anyway, I’m going to go throw this stuff out and then head home. It was good seeing you. Let me know what the doctor says about your foot. It’ll be good to have you back playing with us soon.”

“I hope so, man. Thanks for tonight. Have a good one.”

Well, I guess I'm not going to get much more out of Sebastian. For now, whatever that was, remains a mystery.

“Alright, time to open gifts!” Caleb yells holding a few bags.

“I got gifts?” I’m surprised. I didn’t expect anything.

He places a few bags on the couch. I start to go through them. Jenn got me a graphic tee. The volleyball crew got me a school hoodie. John and Caleb got me condoms.

“Really, guys?” I say holding the box.

“Yes! And use them. You need to get laid, brother. But there is more,” Caleb says.

The two also got me a gift card. How original. There are a bunch of little things. The last bag I pick up is from Noah. There are two items. Whatever they are, they are really nicely wrapped. I tear open the first to find a chocolate cupcake in a box and a note. It reads: “I know it's not the same as having chocolate cake with your mom at home, but I hope this helps. Plus, you can use some calories!” I don't even remember telling him about my cake tradition. I open the second item to find a ‘Winnie the Pooh’ book.

“He remembered,” I say to myself.

“He got you a children’s book?” John asks. “Lame.”

It's not lame at all. It is by far the most thoughtful gift.

*** NOAH ***

Scared. Excited. Aroused. Mortified. Sad.

Those are just some of the things I'm feeling right now. Talk about a roller coaster of emotions. I'm scared because for the first time in my life I admitted a truth about myself to someone else. That also excites me too. I’m aroused thinking of Sebastian. I’m mortified because Jordan may have seen us in a compromising position. And I am sad because he asked Jenn out. I know he is straight. I know he wasn’t going to ever be with me. I know he thinks I’m weird. But one always has hope. That hope is now gone.

“So … I wanted to know what you thought about Jordan asking me out,” Jenn says as we walk home.

“You should say no,” I respond. I’m motivated mostly by anger, but also concern for Jenn.

“Why?”

“Look, as your friend I'm asking you not to go out with him.”

“Give me a concrete reason why and I won’t,” she insists.

“Jenn, for our friendship, please just say no.”

“You're being unreasonable, Noah. At least give me a reason. Is it because it might ruin your friendship with Jordan?”

“There’s nothing to ruin … we’re not friends.”

“What? Did something happen? Is that why you were so quiet tonight?”

“Long story short, I found out he is just hanging out with me because of the English project. He thinks I'm clingy, but didn’t want to offend me because we have to work together. He also thinks I'm weird. So no, I guess we aren't friends.”

“Fuck, Noah. I’m going to break Jordan’s other foot.”

“No, you’re not.”

“You’re not weird,” she says wrapping her arm around my shoulder. “Well, you know, you are, but in the best way possible.”

“I know.”

“How did you find out he feels this way? Did Jordan say this to you?”

“No. Someone told me.”

“Who?” she asks.

“Someone I know.”

“Are they reliable?”

I don’t know. I have no reason not to trust Sebastian. “I think so.”

“You think so. Is it possible they misinterpreted or misheard what Jordan said? Because it doesn’t make sense. It seems like Jordan likes hanging out with you. He invited you to his volleyball game, not once but twice. He came out with us that night we went to the club. He has been actively inviting you into his life. Why would he then think you’re clingy? I’ve worked with people on projects before. Sure, I’m nice to them, but I don’t hang out with them. Jordan clearly wants to hang out with you. It just doesn’t make sense.”

She has a good point. “I don’t know, Jenn.”

“This is what I would suggest, don’t jump to any conclusions. Find out for yourself. Ask him.”

“I can’t ask him.”

“I could —”

I cut her off. “You will say nothing to Jordan. I don’t want him having pity on me.”

“Fine. I won’t say anything. But I think you should give Jordan the benefit of the doubt. Find out for yourself how he feels.”

“Are you going to go out with him if he calls?” I ask.

“No. If he’s not your friend, then I don’t want to go out with him.”

“What are you going to say to him?”

“I don’t know. Just find out what’s going on between the two of you first and then we’ll go from there. Okay?”

“Okay.”

——— 

I thought about him a lot last night. What it would have felt like to have his lips on mine. How I would feel wrapped up in his arms. For the first time in my life I have the opportunity to explore another part of me, to understand how I truly feel about being gay. And it's with a guy who seems to be caring, compassionate and patient. I owe this to myself to at least try, to at least see how I feel.

There is though one doubt in my head. Would Sebastian lie to me about Jordan? I can’t find any reason why he would. Sebastian hasn’t given me a reason not to trust him. And even if he is wrong, maybe it was an honest mistake. I don’t know what the truth is, but for now, I feel like I should also give Sebastian the benefit of the doubt.

I call Sebastian.

“Morning,” he says his voice still a bit drowsy.

Fuck his voice is sexy. “I didn’t wake you, did I?”

“No, I was up. Feeling a bit lazy so still in bed,” he says with a yawn. “How are you this morning?”

“Surprisingly good. I thought I would be freaking out, but I’m not. It feels like a weight on my chest has finally been lifted.”

“I know what you mean. I’m glad you’re okay. It’s too bad we were interrupted. I could have made you feel so much better.”

“Yeah, that was bad timing. Did Jordan say anything to you?” I've been freaking out about that part.

“No. I don’t think he saw much. I think we’re okay.”

“Good. I’m glad. So, yeah about last night …” Calm down, Noah. You can do this. “I’d like to spend more time with you.” I have no idea how to phrase what I want to say. I should have thought about that before I called. Idiot.

“I would like that too.”

“I’m not sure how this is supposed to work, or what I’m supposed to say or do …”

“There is no formula. Do whatever makes you comfortable.”

“If we could start off slow …”

“Absolutely. There’s no rush. We can get to know each other and go from there. How does that sound?”

“That sounds good,” I say.

We talk a while longer. Sebastian is a really good guy. He is so understanding. I got lucky. This is right. This feels right. Sebastian is real. Jordan is not; he will never feel the way I feel for him. I agree to meet Sebastian on Friday night. Just two guys hanging out. He also has a volleyball game on Thursday night. I have an essay due Friday, so I tell him I might be able to make it. This is going to be an interesting week.

*** JORDAN ***

Freedom! Oh, how good it feels. Finally, my foot is free! After four long weeks in that stupid brace I can finally walk on my own two feet. I was at the doctor's office yesterday and he said my ankle had healed. I was so happy I could have hugged him. I didn’t. That would have been weird.

To be able to walk again with both my feet is pure bliss. It’s only when you lose a certain ability do you realize just how much you take it for granted.

At the moment I’m walking to my Wednesday English class. I’m actually kind of looking forward to class and seeing Noah. I kind of miss him. We haven’t had a proper conversation in days! I know that’s my fault. I was the one avoiding him at first. But when I opened his gifts, I knew I was being unfair to him. Noah has been an amazing friend. His gifts were so thoughtful. He knows me so well. He deserves better. I need to be better. Yes, those dreams freaked me out. But that’s my problem. I’ll find a way to deal with them.

I tried calling Noah on Sunday to say thanks for the presents, but he didn't answer. Instead I texted him. He responded back a day later with a simple 'you’re welcome'. I’m afraid he might have realized I was trying to avoid him. Today, I’ll be better.

When I walk into class I look to the back where we normally sit. He's not there. I'm about to make my way to the back when I notice him. He's sitting in the middle. He never sits there. When I look over I notice him put his head down. I'm not sure if he noticed me or not. Whatever. I'll go sit in the middle with him.

“Hey, Noah.”

“Hey, Jordan,” he says looking up. “Your foot?”

“Yeah, got it off yesterday! My ankle has healed.”

“That’s good to hear."

“May I?" I say pointing to the seat currently occupied by his bag.

He looks down at his bag, then back at me. Why is this taking him so long to decide?

“Of course,” he says moving it.

“How have you been? How was the rest of your weekend?” I ask sitting down.

“It was okay.” His responses are very short.

“Thanks for coming on Saturday. I really appreciate it. Oh! And the book and the cupcake! Noah, honestly, thank you so much. It was such a nice gift.”

“I’m glad you liked it,” he says. Another short answer.

“Liked it? I loved it! I can’t believe you remembered the book! And as for the cake, I don't remember mentioning that at all!”

I told Noah in passing that my first birthday after my parents split, my mom got me a ‘Winnie the Pooh’ book. She would read it to me almost every night at bedtime. It was a wonderful memory from my childhood.

“You mentioned always having chocolate cake with your mom on your birthday once. As for the book, the gift receipt was in the bag if you want to return it.”

“Return it? Of course not! I've read it like a billion times already. I’ve actually been feeling really homesick lately. The book reminds me of home and my mom. It's absolutely perfect.”

“I’m glad. Alright, we should focus on class.”

I guess he doesn’t want to talk. “Yeah. I’m sure the professor is eager to torture us with —”

“Jordan!” Noah cuts me off. His eyes go wide and he motions for me to shut up. Of course, the prof is standing right beside me. Shit.

“I just wanted to remind you two that you have your presentation next week. I'm sure you are preparing quite diligently. You wouldn't want to torture your classmates.”

He puts a lot of emphasis on the word ‘torture’ which means he heard what I said. When he leaves I turn back to Noah. “Yeah, he totally hates me.”

“Yeah ... if he didn't hate you before, he sure does now,” he says with a smile. The ice is starting to melt.

“I shouldn't have taken English as an elective. All my friends took easy courses, like introduction to geography,” I say.

“Do you really care to know the capital of Zimbabwe?”

“I already know, it's Harare. See, I would have aced that class. But you know what, at least through this class I met you and made an amazing new friend, so it worked out in the end.”

There goes that smile. “Yeah, I guess so.”

He goes quiet all of a sudden. He is a strange guy. It's almost like I said something very unexpected. Throughout the lecture Noah doesn’t look my way. I want to say something, but I don’t.

“Alright class,” the prof says, “today we have a presentation on …” Turns out the know-it-all is presenting today. This should be interesting.

Noah pretends to listen intently. But I can tell he is bored. The prof actually falls asleep during the presentation, it's that boring! The group presenting clearly didn’t prepare. I start whispering comments in Noah's ear. I start with a full commentary on the brat’s tight pants. I can tell Noah is trying not to laugh. But he does and he’s kind of loud. It wakes up the prof. The pretentious brat just stares as us, hatred clear in his eyes.


*** NOAH ***

I was supposed to be strong. I was going to avoid Jordan. I even picked a different seat. But then he joined me. I figured I would make small talk and then focus on class. But he kept talking. I tried to disengage. But he kept talking. And he smiled. And my defences failed. Why am I so weak!?

“I was thinking,” Jordan says as class wraps up, “should we meet on Tuesday to finalize our presentation and go through everything one more time?”

“Yeah that's a good idea.” I only agree because this is for school.

“Okay. I'll call you on Tuesday.”

“Sure. I’ll see you later,” I say getting up.

He remains seated, his mouth partially open as if he is about to say something.

“So, um, tomorrow we have another volleyball game. I should be back on the court. Probably not for too long though. Coach wants to make sure I’m doing okay. But, yeah, I thought I would let you know in case you wanted to come.”

Now who is being clingy?

“I would … but I have an essay due on Friday —” I start to say.

“That’s too bad. I get it, you’re busy. It would have been nice to see you there.”

“If I finish early I’ll try.” I don’t know why I say that. I hate seeing him upset. Dammit!

“Thanks. Alright, I should run. Talk soon.”

“Bye, Jordan.”

I know I should be angry with Jordan for his comments. Part of me is angry. But the other part is just confused. Jordan was super friendly today. His comment about us being friends, inviting me to his game … I know he wasn’t lying or pretending. I could tell he was being honest and sincere. Maybe Jenn is right. Maybe Sebastian misheard. I just don’t know. And you know what? It doesn’t matter. I’m just going to enjoy the time we spend together, and work on our presentation. If after that he distances himself, I admit I’ll be sad, but I’ll get over it eventually. I’m not going to spend the next few days worrying about something I can’t control.

I must say though that I’m relieved Jordan didn't mention anything about Saturday, about Sebastian and me in the room together. If he did, I would have denied anything happened. I was going to say Sebastian was just shifting positions and was about to fall over. I know it isn't much, but it is all I can think of!

As I walk home my phone starts to ring. It is the loudest person I’ve ever known: Jenn.

“How was English class?” she asks. “I heard your laughter woke up the prof.”

“How do you know that?”

“I just spoke to Jordan. He called to tell me about his volleyball game tomorrow, and ask if I was free Friday night.”

“What did you say?”

“I said I would let him know. I wanted to talk to you first.”

I thought a lot about this over the weekend. I know at first I was dead set against Jenn dating Jordan. One reason was because it might screw up my friendship with Jordan. Well, that’s not much of an issue now! But the real reason was because I wanted him to be with me, even though I knew that wasn’t going to happen. And it doesn’t even matter now. I’m with Sebastian. So, does it matter if he dates Jenn? In some ways if he’s taken that’s better. Another reminder that we won’t be together. But does he have to be with Jenn? Say if the two become serious, and say if it’s true that Jordan doesn’t like me, then that would be awkward given Jenn is my best friend. Though, I trust Jenn with my life. I know she would never betray me. But then seeing the two together … I don’t know. I don’t know what the right answer is, or what to say to her. So, I’ll leave it up to her.

“It’s up to you, Jenn.”

“It’s not. I don’t want to do something that would upset you. Did you at least talk to him at all about those alleged comments? From what Jordan said it sounded like you two were okay today.”

“We were. He actually said he was glad he signed up for our English class because he met me and made a new friend.”

“See! I knew it! He likes hanging out with you. He even told me he invited you to his volleyball game. I think the information you got from that mysterious person was wrong.”

“It could be.”

She tries her best to convince me that Jordan is indeed my friend. As she does, I realize something. She really likes him. Jenn doesn’t normally speak so fondly about others guys (expect me, of course). I don't want to be an obstacle to her happiness.

“So, what should I tell him?” she asks again.

“Honestly, it’s up to you,” I repeat.

She doesn’t respond right away. “Okay, then I’ll tell him no. I can’t say yes knowing you’re not okay with this.”

Dammit. She’s a good friend. “You really like him, don’t you?”

“Yeah. He’s a good guy.”

Oh, fuck it. I know I’ll regret this, but I’ll figure out a way to be okay. “Then say yes.”

“Really? Are you sure?”

“I’m sure. Just be careful, okay?”

“I’m always careful,” she says. “But are you sure, Noah? Honestly, I’m okay to say no.”

Am I? I don’t know. But I’ll manage. “Absolutely. I’m okay.”

*** JORDAN ***

This is turning into a pretty good week. My brace is gone, I have a date with Jenn, Noah and I seem to be doing okay again, and I haven't had a weird dream in two nights. As for those dreams, I thought since I'm not having sex, watching porn would help. I tried a random video, but I soon realized something. I was paying more attention to the guy than the girl. The way his dick ... Anyway, that freaked me out. So instead I've been focusing on lesbian videos. It seems to be working!

The other reason I’m happy – I'm back playing volleyball. It feels like I’ve been away from the court for months. I’m really looking forward to being active again. I’m also glad Jenn will be here to cheer me on. Of course, I’m hoping Noah shows up too.

The game is just about to begin when I notice Jenn enter the gym. She’s alone. So, he didn’t come. I give her a wave as she takes a seat right near the front.

Alright, Jordan. You can do this. The other team serves and the ball comes over. A teammate hits it in my direction. I volley the ball high into the air towards Sebastian. He jumps up, brings his hand down, and sends the ball flying over the net. It hits the ground with a thud. That was good.

I’m only on the court for the first few minutes. The coach wants to make sure I’m okay. I have to convince him to let me back on. We were in the lead before I left. We’re now behind. We manage to close the gap. But the set is almost over and they have 24 points, and we have 23. Match point. I'm in the centre back position, which means the ball is most likely coming in my direction. I crouch down a bit, spread my legs, and get ready. The guy on the other team lifts his hand and tosses the ball in the air. Alright, this is it Jordan. As the ball flies into the air, I notice someone enter the gym. Just for a second, I turn my head to the side. Is that Noah?

WHAM!

A sharp pain runs down my face. Shit that hurt. The ball hits me right in the face and drops to the floor. The ref blows his whistle. We lose the first set.

“Dude, what was that! Concentrate man,” Sebastian says to me. He’s angry.

“Sorry guys.”

I look back into the crowd. It was just some random guy. I feel like an idiot. Not surprisingly, the coach tells me he is benching me for the rest of the game. I don’t argue. There is no point. Instead I walk over to Jenn.

“I'm glad you made it.”

“Of course. I’m really enjoying the game. You're doing really well,” she says.

“Did you not see that last point?”

“Yeah … I meant doing well before that. What happened? You seemed ready to hit the ball and then you didn’t.”

“I just lost my concentration.”

“Oh, well it happens to everyone I guess.”

Maybe not everyone but I know at least one other person. As for the game, despite my screw up, we manage to win. The guys go out to celebrate and drink. All of my teammates tell me to join them, but I’m not in the mood. My face still kind of hurts. Plus, I don’t deserve to celebrate with them. I almost cost them the game! I tell them I’ll join them next week.

——— 

Friday is the best day of the week. And it’s not just any Friday. It’s long weekend! Three days off! I don’t have any real plans. Monday is Thanksgiving. I thought about going home, but in the end I realized it was best to save money. Plus, tonight I have my date with Jenn and I want to take her somewhere nice. So, I have to be smart in how I spend the limited funds that I have.

I just have one more class before the weekend begins: English. I notice Noah is sitting in our usual spot at the back again. I’m about to make my way up the small flight of stairs when I’m stopped by the professor.

“If you wouldn't mind, I saved you a seat right at the front.”

Honestly are we in elementary school again? Seating assignments! Lame. I guess he truly does hate me. I glance back at Noah who just shrugs. Well, if the prof thinks this is going to stop me, then guess again. I message Noah, “WTF????”

He responds back: “Someone likes you :)”

“Seating ASSignments? What are we two?”

“No. But I think the prof thinks you are.”

I send him back a series of angry faces. Every time the prof turns around I send a message to Noah. I want to defy the prof in any way I can. I can tell Noah is hesitant to respond back.

“Alright class, that's it for today. I hope all of you have a nice long weekend,” the prof says. He then comes over to me. “See, that wasn't too hard was it?”

“Have a good weekend, sir.” Jerk.

I grab my stuff and walk out of the classroom. I wait for Noah at the side.

“What was that about with the prof?” Noah asks walking up to me.

“I honestly don't know. As I said, he clearly doesn’t like me.”

“He made a spot right at the front especially for you. You should be honoured.”

“I'm flattered. Anyway, how come you didn't join Jenn last night and come to the game?”

“Sorry, I just had a lot of work to do. She told me though that you were really good.”

“Did she tell you how I lost the first game?”

“No.”

“Well, I pulled a Noah.”

“Excuse me?”

“The ball was coming right to me and I had my eyes on it. I was about to hit it when I don't know where my mind went. I looked away for just a second and wham! It hit me right in the face. So, I pulled a Noah.”

“Welcome to the club,” he says laughing. “It's not a great club.”

“It’s not. Alright, I have to run. Have a good long weekend. We should hang out this weekend. I’ll give you a call. If not, I’ll see you Tuesday!”

“Sounds good. Have fun.”

And with that I'm off.

——— 

I can’t remember the last time I was on a first date. It was probably back at the beginning of my second year when I met Kate. I used to be nervous on first dates, but not as much anymore. Besides, I know Jenn. Our conversation is effortless. Jenn is hilarious. The more we talk the more I realize something. She is the female version of Noah.

“Can I ask you something?” I’m curious.

“Sure.”

“You and Noah seem perfect for one another, yet you never …”

She starts to laugh. “We get that question a lot. No, we’ve never dated. I love Noah, I really, really do. But I’ve never felt that way about him. And I think he feels the same way. We have a pact though. If we are both 50 and alone, we will get married.”

“That’s a good pact. He’s lucky to have such a great friend.”

“Honestly, I think I'm the lucky one. Noah is a great guy.”

“I know! He’s really helped me a lot this year. I’ve really enjoyed getting to know him,” I say. “But I don’t know … between us, sometimes it feels like he is a bit distant.”

“Perhaps you should ask him about that.”

I was not expecting that response. “Do you know something?” It feels like she does.

“I promised him I wouldn’t say anything.”

“So that means something is going on. I knew it! You have to tell me.”

“All I will say is that there appears to be some misunderstanding between the two of you about your friendship.”

“What does that mean? Does Noah not think of me as a friend?” He must know we’re friends.

“I can’t say anymore,” Jenn insists.

“You have to tell me. What misunderstanding?”

After a little more persuading she agrees. “Fine. But I didn’t say anything. He seems to be under the impression that you don't like him, that you’re only hanging out with him because of your English project.”

I’ve never heard anything more ridiculous in my life. “What!? Where in the world did he get that from? That’s not true at all!”

“I don’t know.”

“Honestly, Jenn that isn’t true. Of course I like Noah. He's a great guy! And I’m not just hanging out with him because of our project. If that was the case why would I invite him to my games, or to hang out this weekend? I like hanging out with him! I have to talk to him. I need to set the record straight.”

“You can’t,” Jenn says, “otherwise he’ll know I blabbed and he will be pissed.”

“But he needs to know the truth.”

“Well, whatever you say you have to be discrete and my name better not come up.”

“Of course, I won't mention this conversation,” I say.

I’m surprised Noah would feel that way. Why in the world would he think I don’t like him? It makes no sense. My mind is consumed the rest of the night. I think Jenn can tell. We call it a night just after 10 o’clock. I had planned on going to this great dessert place after but instead I walk her home.

“I had a good time tonight,” she says.

“So did I. Sorry I was a bit distracted,” I say.

“It's okay. I can tell what I said upset you,” she says.

“It did. I’ll make this up to you, I promise. Our second date will be much better … if you want to go out again that is.” I’ll completely understand if she says no.

“I would like that.”

“So would I.”

“Goodnight, Jordan.”

“Night, Jenn.”

*** NOAH ***

My first date with a guy. I never thought I would utter that sentence. Damn, I’m nervous. I’ve already showered twice, yet I feel like I need to take a third. I’m sweating that much. Technically though, this isn’t a date, date. It is more of a casual thing. But it is sort of a date.

I should cancel. I’m not ready for this. I need more time to prepare. No, you’ve had plenty of time to prepare. You’re ready for this. It is just a casual meal. Nothing more. Relax. You can do this. Breathe, Noah. Just breathe.

I have this conversation with myself every five minutes. I think I’m going to go insane. Of course, that assumes I haven’t already gone insane. I’ve definitely changed an insane amount of times. Why did I ever buy this plaid shirt? And these jeans! What was I thinking? Everything just sucks. Everything makes me look like a skeleton, or too fat, or too stupid. I hate this!

It takes me an hour but I finally pick an outfit. I don’t love it. I don’t hate it. It just is.

Because I took forever getting ready, I’m late. Not horribly late, around twenty minutes. Sebastian is there waiting when I arrive. I apologize profusely for the first few minutes.

“You look good tonight,” Sebastian says after I apologize a third time.

He likes what I’m wearing! “Thanks. You look good, too.” Of course he does. He's wearing dark faded jeans with a semi-dressy shirt. The shirt fits snugly against his body, with his muscles firmly defined. He has the top few buttons open, and I can see the top of his smooth chest.

“All for you,” he says with a smile.

“I thought this was supposed to be casual?” I tease him.

“This is how I dress on casual dinners,” he says. “How are you feeling since our talk? Feeling better?”

“A bit. Some days are good. Some days I regret telling you, and look up ways to cause you amnesia. Other days I don't think of poisoning you,” I say with a smile.

“I hope you have more of those days. How is today?”

“One of those non-poisoning days. But I’d keep your drink away from me. I may decide I like the amnesia plan better,” I say.

“Noted.”

I really have to think when I talk to Sebastian. The conversation is not as natural as when I’m with Jenn, or even Jordan. We don’t have a lot of similar interests (he talks about cars for a while and completely loses me), but he is a nice guy. He makes me laugh, so that counts.

“Can I ask you something?” I ask.

“Sure,” he says.

I lean in closer. “How did you know you were gay? What was it that made it real for you?”

“Well, I remember the first time I sucked a guy’s dick. I loved every second. That made it real,” he says with a smile.

“Oh.” That was not the answer I was expecting. “How was your first date with a guy?”

“It wasn’t as good as this one. After I admitted to myself that I'm gay I didn't really do much. I was really afraid at first that someone would find out. Eventually I went online and started chatting with some guys. I clicked with one and after about a week or so we decided to meet up. The guy clearly had shown me older pictures of himself. He was at least a decade older by that time and had put on weight. The date didn't go well. He was mostly interested in sex. I was kind of pissed at being lied to. So, not the best first date. But this one makes up for all the bad ones.”

“And your first time with a guy?”

“It was interesting. I was nervous. He was nervous. It was his first time too. But once we started it felt right. Being in bed with him, I knew I wanted to be with guys. I could be much more graphic, but perhaps when we are not in public,” he says smiling.

“That makes sense.” I’m glad he wasn’t graphic. I'm trying hard not to get a boner in public.

“And speaking of not being in public, shall we head off?”

“Sure. I’m kind of tired,” I say.

“We’re not calling it a night already, are we?” he asks disappointed. “I thought we could get a drink … go to my place …”

This is what I was worried about. I would love to. But that is way too fast. I think he can tell I am starting to get nervous. “I’d love to … but maybe next time?”

“Absolutely. Can I at least walk you home?”

“I’d like that,” I say.

We talk about random nonsense while on the way home. It doesn’t take long. I only live about five minutes away.

“So, did you enjoy yourself?” he asks when we get to my door.

“I really did. Thank you so much. It was the perfect end to a hectic week.”

“It's not the end just yet,” he says.

He moves closer putting his left arm around my waist. He places his right hand on my neck and moves his lips closer to mine. In one swift motion he drops in, placing his lips against mine. The moment his lips touch mine it’s as if electricity shoots through my body. I throw my arms around his waist and melt into his body. He presses into me and I can feel his muscles flex against my body. I feel secure within his grasp. After what seems like an eternity, yet not long enough, he lets go.

Holy shit that was amazing. My first gay kiss.

“Sebastian. That was …” My eyes see a light in the corner. I see two blue eyes staring at me. My eyes shift and I see movement. “Jordan?”

Fuck.