Noah and Jordan - 11. Chapter Eleven

*** NOAH ***

“Sebastian … I’m not ready,” I say.

“We’ll go slow. I won’t hurt you.”

“I know, but, I’m just not there yet.”

“It will feel really good …” His hands are on my belt again. I can’t move. His weight is on me, pinning me down. “Relax, trust me, Noah ... this won't hurt. It will feel really good.”

“Sebastian, not tonight …”

His eyes are on me. I can see his determination.

My belt clicks.

It loosens.

“You're really going to enjoy this. I’ve been waiting for you for so long …”

——— 

“No!”

My eyes shoot open as I struggle to breathe. I look around. I’m in my room. There is no one here. I’m alone. I sit up, trying to regain my composure. My body is covered in sweat. I try to shake the awful thought out of my head, but I can’t. His face close to mine. The determination in his eyes. That feeling of despair in my soul. My heart is still racing.

I look at the clock on my nightstand. It’s seven in the morning. I have class in an hour, but like yesterday, I don't feel like going. I just want to stay here in my room forever.

Ever since Wednesday night, when I had my second date with Sebastian, I’ve been at home. Mainly I’ve been in bed. I feel like such an idiot. How could I have been so gullible, so naïve? I thought I was smarter than that. But I wasn’t. I became so wrapped up in a delusion, in a fantasy, that I ignored reality. I should have known better. I shouldn’t have let my guard down. It seemed too good to be true. That's because it was. It was all fake. None of those feelings were real. It was all built on a lie. All of it was just to get something else.

The worst part is I trusted Sebastian. I really trusted him. I thought he understood me. I thought I understood him. But I didn't.

I think back to that night when everything went to hell …

——— The Previous Wednesday ———

“Come on in, make yourself at home,” Sebastian says as I walk into his apartment. “How’s your day going?”

“Good. Yours?”

“Good, good. Just throw your coat wherever you want and I’ll grab some drinks. Dinner is ready, but I thought we can eat in a bit.” The place is small with the living room on one side, the kitchen on the other.

“What are we having?” I ask walking up to him.

“Chinese food,” he says as he pours wine into two glasses.

I can see the take-out containers on the counter. “I thought you were going to make a home cooked meal? I was looking forward to that.”

He laughs. “Trust me, you don't want me to cook for you; I'm really bad. If I had, you would be calling 911 pretty soon.”

“It can’t be that bad,” I say.

“Oh, it is.”

“So, was this just an excuse to get me to come over here tonight?” I ask him in a coy manner. I’m nervous. Alone usually means …

He can barely hide his devilish grin. “Of course not. The restaurant is always super busy. I thought this way we could have a little more privacy, you know.”

“Yeah, I know. This is nice. Thank you. You have great taste in wine,” I say as we sit down. Sebastian sits right next to me, our legs touching.

“As I do in men,” he says with a smile.

We talk about nothing in particular for the next couple of minutes. There is something I want to ask him about, but I don’t know how to bring it up, or if this really is the right time. As we talk, he keeps brushing his foot against my leg, rubbing it up and down against my jeans. He rests his hands on my leg. It gives me goose bumps. I know what all of this means; Sebastian wants to have sex tonight. I know that’s why he invited me over to his place. At first, I thought I was ready. I’m attracted to him. He seems to be attracted to me. I love it when he kisses me, holds me in his arms. He is patient. And most important, I felt like I could trust him. Now, I'm not so sure. Jordan was adamant he never said anything negative about me. So, if Jordan is telling the truth, does that mean Sebastian was lying? I don’t know.

The only time he’s not touching me is when he gets up to refill our glasses. We’ve already had two glasses of wine. He insists on having a third. I’m starting to feel a bit tipsy and hot. I remove my sweater.

“What happened to your arms?” he asks.

Both are still extremely red. “Oh, after our presentation, Jordan was teaching me how to play volleyball. My arms really hurt!”

“Your presentation is done, and yet you're still hanging out with him?” Sebastian is clearly not thrilled.

“Yeah. We talked and sorted everything out.”

“You're a good person, Noah. If I were you, I’m not sure I would have forgiven him for the way he ran off the other day.”

“I was angry about that, but he apologized. I just figure there is no point in holding a grudge.” Here is my chance to ask Sebastian about those comments. But I don’t know how. I don’t know how to bring it up without suggesting Sebastian is a liar.

“You’re a better man than me,” he says. “Anyway, that’s enough about him. I’d rather focus on how sexy you look tonight.”

Before I can say anything, Sebastian brings his lips to mine. He places his hand behind my neck, pushing me forward, as he slowly starts to kiss me. Damn, he feels good. But I can’t. I don’t want to lead him on. I can tell he wants to go even further, but I push back. Something really feels off.

“Can I ask you something?” I say as soon as his lips leave mine.

“Go for it, babe.”

“Do you not like Jordan?”

He smiles. “Why are we still talking about him? I’d rather focus on you.”

“It’s just ... I thought you two were friends.”

“Why does it matter? Do you still want to be friends with him? I told you how he really feels about you.”

There it is. “I know, but he went out of his way to apologize today and to prove we are friends. I’m just a bit confused why he would say those things to you, but then act so differently around me.”

“Look, Jordan is no one’s friend. He is a two-faced liar. He’ll say anything to get ahead. He doesn’t have a sincere bone in his body. Plus, he’s extremely arrogant. He’s a good volleyball player, I’ll give him that, but he acts as if he is perfect. He walks around like he should be team captain. So, no, I don’t really like him. And I don’t think he likes you. I really don’t think you should hang out with him. Now can we focus on us?”

“I’m sorry. I’m done. How about we have some dinner. The food is getting cold.”

Yeah, I’m not ready to sleep with Sebastian tonight. This just doesn’t feel right. Yes, Jordan has his moments, but he isn’t as bad as Sebastian is making him out to be. It feels like Sebastian is going out of his way to demonize Jordan. I’m getting this strong sense that Sebastian is hiding something, that he isn’t telling me the full truth. And if that is true, then all of this, our relationship, could just be based on a lie.

“How about we skip dinner and get more comfortable.”

Sebastian doesn’t let me answer. His lips are on mine before I can speak. He places his hands on my shoulders and pushes me down onto the couch. He crawls over me, his knees on both sides, pinning me down. His hands are all over me, feeling me, caressing me, massaging me. His hands move over to my waist. He tries to unbuckle my belt. I manage to place my hands on his shoulders and push him back a bit.

“Sebastian … I’m not ready,” I say.

“We’ll go slow. I won’t hurt you.”

“I know, but, I’m just not there yet.”

“It will feel really good …” His hands are on my belt again. I can’t move. His weight is on me, pinning me down. “Relax, trust me, Noah ... this won't hurt. It will feel really good.”

“Sebastian, not tonight …”

His eyes are on me. I can see his determination.

My belt clicks.

It loosens.

“You're really going to enjoy this. I’ve been waiting for you for so long …”

——— Present Day ———

BANG, BANG, BANG!

I’m brought back to reality, to my room, by that awful sound. What the hell is that? There it is again. Someone is knocking on the door, or more like pounding it with a hammer.

“Noah? Are you there?” I can hear Jenn yell from the hallway. “Noah … hello … it's me, Jenn!”

I stay silent. I don’t have the courage to face her, at least not yet. All I want is to be alone.

“I guess you’re not home. I'll try again later. Call me!”

I know I should talk to her, confide in her. She is my friend after all. It only makes sense. But I can't. I just feel so dumb for the way I acted. I don't have the strength to explain everything to her. I will eventually. Just not now. Right now, all I want to do is sleep.

*** JORDAN ***

The door slams behind me as I walk into the gym. It really is windy outside. I quickly make my way to the locker room. I need to grab my wallet and get out of here as fast as I can.

Where the hell are you Noah!? We've looked everywhere for you? I keep convincing myself that he's okay, but that is getting harder and harder to do. In my mind I am sure he is fine, but my emotions keep saying something else. I’m worried because I care for him. He is a friend, after all. But I know deep down my concern is being driven more than just by friendship. He means something to me. What if I blew it? What if I lost the one chance that I had to figure out what I’m feeling? Say if I never get that chance again, then what do I do?

I can’t think that way. I will see him. And the first thing I’ll do is punch him. I'm going to break his bones. I am going to beat the crap out of him for putting us through this torment. Then I won't want to let him go ever again. I will hold on to him.

But say if he doesn’t want to be held? He has a boyfriend. Shit. Sebastian! Maybe Sebastian knows something. If he hurt him, fuck, I’m going to break all of his bones too. I take out my phone to call Sebastian. It goes straight to voicemail. He went out with the team to celebrate our win. If I can’t reach him soon then I’ll call one of my other friends.

I walk out into the gym and across the court. I’m almost at the end when I notice something in the corner of my eye. I turn around and look towards the bleachers. Someone is sitting there, head down. Instinct tells me to turn around and walk towards them.

Is that? It's can't be.

*** NOAH ***

Life sure is cruel. Sometimes you think you have everything. Then in an instant it’s all taken away from you. I thought I had Sebastian, but I don't. I think I’m friends with Jordan, but who really knows. He and Jenn will probably become close and forget all about me. I’ll be left with nothing.

Just for once everything seemed like it was starting to go right. Fine, everything wasn't perfect but it was better than before. I finally started to embrace my sexuality and it felt great. It felt good to be open and honest, and yet it got me nowhere. Perhaps this was a stupid idea. I should have just said no to Sebastian right from the beginning. I should have just found another girlfriend and worked it through.

If only Wednesday night had gone differently ...

——— The Previous Wednesday ———

“I’ve been waiting for you for so long …”

“Sebastian, please, I'm not ready.”

“You're going to really enjoy this. Trust me.”

In one quick motion he takes off his shirt, exposing his bare chest. In any other case I would be seriously aroused, but right now the only thing I feel is fear. He starts to unbutton my jeans.

“I can’t wait to be inside of you,” he says with what looks like determined lust in his eyes. I can also see the outline of his growing dick in his pants. He lifts his body up slightly so that he can pull down my pants. But instead, now that I have a bit more space, I quickly jump off of the couch.

“Noah, what are you doing?”

“I should go,” I say fixing my jeans.

“Why? Noah, stay. You know you want to.”

“I told you Sebastian, I'm not ready to have sex with you yet.”

He grabs my waist with both hands. “I know you’re scared. It’s okay. I was scared too the first time. But I’ll be gentle. I promise.”

“Another time, okay?”

“Let me show you the pleasures of having another man inside of you.”

Again, before I can even respond, Sebastian places his hands on the collar of my shirt, and literally rips it down the middle, exposing my chest. I am in utter shock. I freeze. He grabs hold of me again, this time tighter, as he tries to kiss me. It takes me a second to move my face away.

“Sebastian, please stop.”

He steps back, but doesn’t let go of my waist. “You need to try new things, let your guard down.”

“I know what I need to try. I’m not saying I don’t want to be with you. I do. Just not tonight. I need some more time.” None of that is true. The way he’s acting I don’t know if I ever want to be with him. He’s making me feel very uncomfortable.

“Do you not trust me?” he asks trying to sound offended.

“Of course, I do, Sebastian,” I lie.

“Then trust me now. You want this. I know you do.”

“Another time,” I say.

“Why don’t we go into the bedroom, turn the lights down, and just see where things go, okay?”

“Sebastian, please, not tonight.”

“Noah, relax. I’m doing this for you,” he says.

“You’re not doing this for me. You’re doing this for yourself. I said no,” I say angrily.

He lets go of my waist. I quickly grab my sweater off of the couch.

“This is about Jordan, isn’t it?” he asks.

“This is about me. I’m just not there yet,” I say moving towards the door.

“He will only always be a dream. You know that, right? I’m real. I’m standing right before you. I can make you feel good now. But I may not be here forever.”

“Are you saying it’s now or never?” I ask him.

“I’m saying stop chasing a fantasy. He’s not into you. Get over him.”

“I’m not into him. And this isn’t about him. It’s about me not being ready.”

“Right, and that’s why your arms are fifty shades of red. You will always be a freak to him, Noah. He hates you. He doesn’t want to be around you. It’s why he ran away.”

I’ve been such a fool. The truth has been before me the entire time, yet I ignored it. “Jordan never called me weird or clingy, did he? That was you.”

“I didn’t say anything that isn’t probably true,” he says.

“So, you lied,” I interject.

“I didn’t lie. You saw the way he ran when he saw us kiss. He was disgusted! What I said was for your own good!”

“You lied so that I would get closer to you.”

“You're making it sound malicious. I did it for you.”

“You didn't do it for me! You did it for yourself. Why? So that you could sleep with me?”

“Instead of yelling, you should be thanking me for how much I helped you. You’re here now because of me. You owe me.”

“I don't owe you anything.”

I turn to get my coat, but before I can, Sebastian grabs my arm. He forcefully yanks me towards him. His eyes are full of anger. I’ve never felt more scared.

“Look, I didn't waste the last few weeks running after you for nothing. Guys don’t say no to me. I get what I want.”

“Well, I’m sorry you had to wait. But you’re free to go find another guy to fuck.” I’m trying to be brave, but inside I'm also terrified.

“Wait, did you think you’re the only one?” he starts to laugh. “Oh, you’re so gullible.”

“Then go sleep with one of them. Leave me alone.”

He tightens his grip around my arm to the point where it really hurts.

“Do you actually think I wanted to be with you or date you? Look at you. Look at me. You're not worthy of being with me. You belong on your fucking knees, begging to suck the cock of a real man. You’re only here to be used for the pleasure of others and then discarded like the trash that you are. One day someone will show you, and your cocky arrogant friend Jordan, what it means to be a dominant man.”

“Go fuck yourself.” I spit back at him. Yes, I’m terrified, but I’m also extremely angry. If he wants a fight, I will give him a fight.

“Whatever. You're not worthy of me, or the trouble,” he says letting go of my arm. “Go run to Jordan. You’ll regret this decision one day.”

I quickly grab my coat and my shoes and run out the door.

——— Present Day ———

I try my best to distract myself with everyday household activities, washing dishes, laundry, watching television … but nothing works. I need to get out of this apartment! I need some air. I grab my coat and head out the door. I don't know where I’m going. I just walk.

The cold air feels nice against my skin. It gives feeling to the numbness I feel inside. I randomly select streets and keep walking. I don't even know where I’m going, just wherever the road takes me. I walk around for what seems like hours. The sun sets and soon people start to disappear. It is starting to get cold at night. I'm glad the streets are empty. It reminds me of how I feel inside, empty and alone.

I'm not sure how I end up here, but somehow, the next thing I know I’m standing at the door of the school gym. I stand there for a second, looking at the sign. Why is it that I ended up here? The place where it all began to change. The area looks deserted. The game has to be over by now. Sebastian won't be here anymore; he's probably busy moving on to his next conquest. I pull the handle and walk inside. The gym is empty; there is not a soul in site.

I walk over and sit down on the bleachers. I think back to the number of times I’ve been here this semester. If I hadn’t come to Jordan’s first game, I never would have gone out with the team. I wouldn’t have spoken with Sebastian that night. Everything might have been different. Jordan probably would just have been my English partner. I would still be in the closet. And all would be well. But it’s not.

I hear a noise.

What the hell was that?

I look around. No one is here.

I don't feel safe anymore.

I should go.

Yet, I stay seated.

“Noah?”

I look up.

Jordan?

*** JORDAN ***

Is that him?

“Noah?”

They look up.

Thank God.

Fuck. It's him.

I can finally breathe.

I run over to the bleachers.

“Hi …” he says standing up.

“Hey …”

I look into his hazel eyes. I put my right arm around his slender waist, lean in, and without thinking give in to my inner desire. I place my lips on his. The moment they touch it feels as if a current runs through my core. I feel energized, excited, warm and complete. I pull him in close, placing my left hand on his back, pressing our bodies together. I kiss him deeply and passionately. I’ve never felt this aroused. But Noah just stands there like a rock. His body unsure of what to do. He is hesitating. That’s when I remember, he has a boyfriend. Shit! I break off the kiss, free him from my arms, and take a step back. I keep my head low. I’m too afraid to look at him.

The silence kills me. All I can hear is Noah’s staggered breath. I slowly lift up my gaze. Noah is just standing there staring at me, eyes wide open, like a deer caught in headlights. His mouth is open too, as if he is about to say something. But no words come out.

I want to jump back on him, hold him, kiss him, feel him. But I refrain. Instead, I take a deep breath, take a step closer, and punch him in the arm. Damn, that feels good!

His eyes grow even wider. He grabs his arm with his left hand. He looks so confused.

“Where the hell have you been?” I ask him.

When I saw Noah I felt a rush of two emotions. Relief and anger. Relief that he was alive and well. But also anger for what he put us through tonight. It was either kissing him or punching him first. Now that I think about it, I probably should have punched him first; he would have forgotten that part by now.

“I'm sorry, you just ...” Noah looks puzzled, bewildered, disoriented all at the same time. I don’t blame him.

“I know. We'll get to that in a second. First, where have you been? Jenn and I have been going crazy looking for you!”

He just stares at me. “I'm sorry … wait ... I don't ... that was … you just,” he pauses and places a hand on his chest to steady himself. “Jordan you just kissed me!”

“I know.”

“I don’t understand ... was that … um … like some sort of a mean joke?”

I look directly at him. “I wouldn't joke about that. Besides, it doesn't matter. All that matters is that you're safe! Where the hell have you been?"

“I can’t … I don’t … I'm clearly missing something here. Jordan … you just kissed me.”

“Yes, I did!” I scream. I feel so stupid for putting myself out there. That was a stupid, stupid idea. But I have no regrets.

“Why?”

I let out a small laugh, more like an awkward chuckle. “Oh, Noah. Isn't it obvious? It's because …” calm down Jordan, "... because I .... because I can’t stop thinking about you. I like you.”

I look back up. I didn’t think it was possible but his eyes go even wider. It looks like they will pop out of his head. “But you’re …”

“I'm not gay … I've never liked guys. I ... I don't know what this is. But whatever it is I can’t help it. There is something here. There is something pulling me close to you. I’ve been trying to fight it for a while, but it hasn't worked. I like you … actually to be really honest, I like you a lot. And I don't know what to do about it. I can’t stop thinking about you. I want to be with you. All I want to do is hold you again and kiss you. But it was wrong of me to kiss you. You have a boyfriend —”

“I don't have a boyfriend,” he says cutting me off. “But you have a girlfriend.”

Fuck! Jenn. I completely forgot about her. As if on cue, my phone starts to ring. Sure enough it’s her.

“Hey, Jenn ...”

“Where are you? You’ve been gone for a while.”

“Sorry, I know. But I found Noah.”

“What? Where?”

“On campus. I ran into him on my way to the gym. He's fine.”

She sighs. “Oh, fuck. I'm going to kill that nerd. Where is he?”

“Right beside me.”

“Can I talk to him?” she asks.

“Here,” I say to Noah. “She wants to talk to you.”

He hesitantly takes the phone.

“Hello? I'm ... Jenn ... but .... I didn’t ... no … of course … but … sorry ... I didn’t … sorry … I’m sorry …”

The poor guy barely gets a word in. All I can hear is Jenn screaming on the other end of the phone. I’m glad I’m not the one being yelled at right now. Jenn is scary when she’s angry.

“Here, she wants to talk to you again,” he says.

“Hey, Jenn,” I say taking the phone.

“I can't believe that guy! I'm so angry right now. Kick him for me will you,” she says.

“I will.”

“I'm so sorry about tonight Jordan.”

“It’s okay, it really is.”

“If you don't mind I'm going to head home. I'm exhausted from walking the planet.”

“I completely understand. We'll talk later, okay? Bye.”

I look over at Noah. He’s sitting on a bench. His forearms resting on his legs, head dropped to the floor. I sit beside him, our bodies just a hairs width apart. Neither of us looks at the other.

“Jenn sends her best wishes,” I say.

Even though I'm not looking at his face I can tell that made him smile.

“Yeah, I can tell.”

“She asked me to kick you. I'm really thinking about it. You deserve it after what you pulled. We looked all over for you. I even called the local hospitals to see if you were there. You just dropped off the planet. Jenn says she hadn’t heard from you since Wednesday night. We played volleyball together that afternoon. What happened after that? Where did you go?”

“Nothing happened.”

And then I remember what he said earlier. “Wait, why did you say you don’t have a boyfriend?”

“Because I don’t.”

“What happened to Sebastian?” Now I’m confused. “I thought you two were …”

“We're nothing,” he says finally look at me.

“Did something happen?” If stupid Sebastian did something. “Is he the reason you disappeared for the past two days?”

“He showed me his true colours, the real Sebastian.”

“What does that mean? Did he hurt you? If he did, I'll kick the living —”

He cuts me off. “No, he didn't hurt me.”

“Are you okay?”

“I will be.”

“I'm so sorry, Noah.”

“Don't be. It wasn't meant to be and I'm glad I found out before I got too involved with him.”

“This is all my fault,” I say. “If it wasn’t for me you wouldn’t have met Sebastian.”

“It’s not your fault, Jordan. It was meant to happen. If not through you, I would have met Sebastian some other way.”

“So then where have you been these past two days?”

“Mainly in my room. I've had my phone and computer off. I just wasn't ready to talk to anyone. I felt kind of dumb for thinking something would happen between Sebastian and myself.”

I turn to him and ask: “Why didn't you call me?”

He laughs an awkward laugh. He turns and looks at me. “For so many reasons.”

“But I thought we were friends?” I ask.

He bites his lower lip. “I honestly don't know what we are anymore.”

“Look, all I know is that I like you. I want to be with you. And I think that maybe … you like me too?” Never in my life have I wanted someone to utter the word yes more than I do now.

He gives me a weak smile. “You really are clueless. Isn't it obvious?”

“Nothing is obvious. These last few weeks nothing has made any sense. But if I were to guess I’d say yes, you do.”

“I guess you’re not that clueless after all.”

“So, where do we go from here?” I ask.

He drops his head back again and looks at the floor. “Nowhere.”

“What? What do you mean?” His answer completely catches me off guard. What is he talking about? I just put myself out there. And he said he likes me too. What the hell is going on?

“There is nowhere to go, Jordan. You’re with Jenn.”

“I know, but I’ll break up —”

He cuts me off. “Can you really live this lifestyle?”

“I don't —”

“The first thing you said to me was you're not gay.”

“Noah, I don't know what label I am. Our relationship is like in the book, like Septimus and Evans. It's not labeled by terms or anything like that. I like you. You. Noah. You happen to be a guy. And that’s fine. I know I want to be with you. That’s all that matters. The rest we can figure out together.”

“Jordan, that's a book, not real life. We're in the real world and you can't live in a bubble. Being with me means a life that you may not understand.”

“I know, but …”

“Tell me, are you going to go and tell John and Caleb that you're gay or that you have a boyfriend?”

“I —”

“Or your mom?”

I pause for a moment. “I'm not sure.”

“And above all, I love Jenn. I really do. She's my best friend. She has always been beside me whenever I needed her. And she likes you. I can't take that away from her. I can't. What kind of a friend would I be?”

“But what about us? What about what we feel for each other? You can’t deny your feelings.”

“I have to. Right now Jordan you’re not thinking straight, no pun intended. Your emotions are blinding your judgment. You kissed me because you're on an emotional high. You're not thinking rationally. You'll understand what I'm saying when you think about it. Besides, I’m not sure I’m ready to be in a relationship. Or if I can trust you … or anyone. Anyway, it's getting late. I should go,” he says getting up.

Maybe he's right. Being with Noah means facing a world that I'm not sure I can face. What would my mom say, my friends? What do I say to Jenn? These are the same thoughts that kept me from doing anything in the past. I can't keep holding on to them. I don't want to lose him again. I've been given another chance, if I don't take it now, it might not ever happen again.

I get up. “Wait, Noah. I don’t know what the right answer is, or what to do. All I know is that I’m not Sebastian. Never in a million years will I hurt you. When I kissed you I felt something. I felt something real, something undeniable. Can you honestly say you didn’t feel something too?”

“I …” he doesn’t know how to respond.

“You’re telling me you don’t want to kiss me again?” I ask.

He just stares at me. He doesn’t say no. And so, I take his face in my hands and before he can answer, I place my lips on his. For a second time tonight, I kiss Noah. That same desire, feeling of arousal fills my soul once again. My heart picks up speed as emotions build up inside of me. I grab a hold of him again, this time stronger than before. I open my mouth. He doesn't resist. Instead, he returns the same passion I just gave him a moment ago. He wraps his arms around me. He’s kissing me back! He's fucking kissing me back! Our bodies are so tightly pressed against one another that I can feel his heart thump against my skin. We connect. We are one.

“Are you going to say that didn’t mean anything to you?” I ask, still holding onto him. “Because I know it did. I can feel it in your body. Even now, just holding you. I know you want this, Noah. Don’t fight it.”

“Jordan,” he says stepping back, “some stories are just not meant to be.”

He turns around and walks out the door.

I sit back down on the bench, defeated.