The Scarlet F - 24. Chapter 24 - Reasonable Questions

"You know what." Brian said pacing back and forth in the emergency waiting room, "Maybe this will force him to slow down. You know really stick around."

"You're kidding yourself," I smirked.

Then we heard footsteps coming closer. I looked up to see Shawna, Alfreda...and Matt. I stared down at the floor.

"How's he doing?" Shawna asked us.

"The doctor is with him."

We were all silent for about a minute.

"Hey," Alfreda finally said. "Shawna, how about you and I go get everybody some coffee" As soon as the girls left the room a nurse motioned to Brian and Owen then took him to fill out some more stuff.

Matt and I were left alone. He walked around and sat down next to me. "How..." he whispered, "How you doing?"

I closed my eyes and took a breath. "You don't have to be here." I smirked, "Don't you have a date or something?"

He grabbed my hand, "Jamie you know that you're more important than anything to me."

I removed my hand from his grip and look at the ceiling, "Why do you care? I'm not you're my boyfriend anymore. I wouldn't care if I was you."

"You know that you don't mean that."

Fuck, he was right.

I finally looked at him, "Do you know what was happening when he had his heart attack?"

He shook his head, "No. What?"

I shifted up in my seat, "I was telling him I was gay."

"What did he say?"

"He didn't say anything...he just collapsed."

"Oh," he grasped. "...you must feel awful."

"I do. I should be in there making peace or something. But I can't because I'm still so angry at him."

"I know babe," he said grabbing my hand again.

***

I find my deepest pain around you.

I find my brokenness inside your hand.

Yet when I think of you...I crave your attention...I rely on your love.

And I see your face and...I go back to a child just wanting their Daddy.

I sat by my dad's bed trying to write.

"How's he doing?" Brian whispered walking in carrying a shopping bag.

I watched him set down some newspapers, venture machine food, and two bottles of water while he talked about his plans. He acted so...so put together. He seemed so calm. It frustrated me.

"You're just so good at this, aren't you," I smirked.

"I'm just trying to take care of things." He bit back.

I walked over to him, "Well I guess that's easy when you don't have to feel anything."

"Don't tell me how I'm feeling. I'm his son too." He bit.

I heard my dad call out my name, "Jimmy."

"Oh god, dad it's James" I barked again.

"Calm down, dude," Brian said.

"I'm sorry son," he said lying in that hospital bed.

"Did you hear what I said, dad? Before? At the apartment?" I asked.

"Um...you said that you were um..."

"Gay." I choked, "I said that I'm gay...because I am."

He stared me for a while.

"James..." He started. "I made it a point not to judge people... hell who am I to judge anybody. But the thing is that I don't think I ever really known a gay."

I was shocked. I'd had never thought of he would response this calmly.

"How are you feeling about this dad? Please tell me what's going through your head?"

He blinked, "So how long has this been goin on?"

I nodded, that was a reasonable question.

"That depends on what you're asking. If you're asking me how long I've been out about it, it's been about a year. If you're asking me how long I've been gay...then I think that's been going on my whole life."

"Excuse me son, but how do you know?"

Another reasonable question.

"Well, I'll spare you the details," Then I remembered something. "Dad...when I kiss a guy I feel like I'm on a desert weak enough to faint."

His face lit up with a sudden understanding, "So while you were yellin at me you mentioned a guy? You got a boyfriend or something?"

Wow, he had to ask that. I bit my lip and attempted to blink away the tears.

"Yea, I do." I swelled up.

I didn't it say it to lie. I didn't it say it to be in denial. I said because I realized that doesn't matter what happened...I still had a boyfriend.

"Wow," he said. "What's this fellas name?"

"It's Matt. Matthew Edwards."

He busted out laughing, "While lookie there. It doesn't get any better than The Edwards. You caught a good one."

"I know. I know." I looked over Brian who anxiously stood at the foot of the bed waiting to share. "Guess who Brian's dating?"

He came and sat by me.

"It's Owen," Brian explained."My roommate."

"Whoa," Dad chuckled. "ain't that an added twist."

He was glowing with happiness.

But I couldn't enjoy that happiness. Even though it seems like I was having a great time with my dad, his presence still bothered me. My mind just took a step back and watched the situation. My abusive and distant father is lying in a hospital bed after almost dying. My brother (who didn't grow up dealing with our father) is happily chatting about his great relationship with his boyfriend. And my father, who I always thought was the stereotypical close-minded old white man, is super cool with two of his sons being gay (well Brian is bi but that's not the fucking point). My mother freaked out when I told her, yet my father welcomes it so quickly. What the fuck? Now I'm sure I could get a grip on it if I could consult my boyfriend...oh wait I already screwed that up.

Wait, wasn't I mad at my father for fucking me up so bad, causing me to screw up everything in the first place. It was all giving me a headache.

"James, you okay?" Brian nudged my shoulder.

"I can't believe this." I barked, "This. The three of us. In this room. Acting like...this."

"James," Brian said. "We're having a happy moment. Why can't you just be happy with us?"

"Because of me," He replied. "Because of me, right?"

"Dad," I said. "I managed to find this sweet guy who knows what I've been through, know the things I've done yet...despite everything loves me. He somehow sees this good inside me."

Here's where the tears started falling.

"I wish I was the man he sees me as. But I can't be because I'm always paranoid that if I feel secure and happy in life that something is going to come in and crush it...so I crush it myself." I grabbed that railing of the bed. "And I can't stop myself."

My red eyes looked into his. "What was wrong with me? Why was I good enough?"

He put his hands on mine, "I was the one that was never good enough"

Then dad grasped.

"Dad, what's wrong?"

"You betta call someone." He whispered not being able to breathe.

Brian ran out of the room screaming for help. I was grasping trying to adjust.

Dad grabbed my hand. "I think this is it."

"What dad?"

"I was never able to stay and be happy. Neither could my pa. You can break the cycle. You're a good boy and you're smarter than I could ever be."

"Dad you're not going to die."

"Boy death isn't all bad. I won't feel angry anymore. I just might be happy with it."

"Dad...dad no."

"I'm sorry son, I love you."

People in white coats came rushing in. I was slammed on to the wall. I stayed there with my eyes shut while the crowd rushed around calling out orders.

***

We were all sitting in the waiting room. I sat there squeezing Matt's hand. He didn't mind of course. He sat by me patiently. Brian sat across from me doing the same thing with Owen. Owen was cracking little jokes about hospital food. We weren't mad. That was how Owen dealt with things. I actually felt a little relieved that someone was talking. I hated complete quiet.

We sat like that until a doctor walked up to us with his hands folded. We all stood up.

"I'm sorry." He said. I could tell that this was the part of his job that he hated.

I felt like I couldn't breathe. I didn't know what to feel. I wanted to cry because I would never see him again. I wanted to yell at him for leaving me again. Yet I wanted to be spiteful and laugh that he was finally gone.

Matt put his arms around me, "Jamie?"

I grabbed his waist and clutched him tightly.

***

I ended up back at my old childhood apartment. I was alone sitting on the couch where I used to watch soap operas with my mom. As I looked around I began to think about the child I once was. The young me would have never dreamed that I would out like this. Or maybe he did dream of it but didn't want to think about.

"Hey, Jamie." I heard Matt say as he walked in.

I looked over at him.

"How you feeling Jamie?" He asked sitting next to me.

"I think I'm doing okay, better at least."

He looked around. "Wow, I haven't been in here in a long time."

When I couldn't handle something I wanted to run away. Mentally or Physically. I always ran away to Matt. But the truth is that I pictured actually wanted to run away with Matt.

"Hey, Matt...I was thinking about going away for a while. Like a road trip."

"Yea." he nodded, "You should take a little trip."

I took a breath.

"You..." I mumbled. I shifted my body to look into his eyes, "You wanna come with?"

He didn't say no, but he did ask a question. A reasonable question.

He slid his fingers around the picture, "As friends or boyfriends?"

I thought he would ask that, the one question I didn't know how to answer.

"Um...how...how about as best friends?"

He lowered his eyes. I don't think that's the answer he wanted.

I moved closer, "Please Matt? I really need to go with me. You know more than anybody that I do stupid things when I'm not with you."

He bit his lip.

I moved closer. Brushing my nose against his cheek Then I batted my eyes.

"God I can't say no to that face," he chuckled. "Okay. A weekend road trip good sounds to me."

Then we both got quiet. Our lips were an inch apart. His eyes told me exactly what he wanted to do. And oh god I wanted to do the same thing. I felt him leaning in. I wanted to kiss him...but he freaked out getting up from the couch. He walked into the kitchen.

Matt cleared his throat, "So...is there any special place you wanna go...or are we just going to drive in one direction until we hit ocean?"

Another reasonable question.

I chuckled, "Yeah, I think we'll just let the road be our guide."

I lied.

The truth is that I knew the exact place that I needed to go to. And I knew the exact person that I needed to see.