The English Year - 43. Finally

I had butterflies. My stomach was riddled with them. Too many to count. Butterflies filled my belly, indicating a level of nervousness I hadn’t faced, ever, in all my twenty years on earth.

I had butterflies, because I knew that tomorrow night was the night that Pete and I would make our relationship official.

Finally.

We’d texted back and forth all week long making plans for Friday night. We had decided that we shouldn’t rush anything after our conversation the previous Saturday morning. The conversation after he’d been too busy to respond to my text message, and the conversation after I didn’t come home.

We decided that we owed each other a proper date, and with that, a DTR- or a Define The Relationship.

Throughout the week, we encouraged each other. Reassured each other about what we both wanted. He sent me cute messages every morning telling me to have a good day. I responded with cute messages mid-day telling him that I was thinking about him.

We were finally in sync. We were finally on the same page.

To Corbin: Don’t make plans for Friday. I want to take you out.

To Pete: Oh? What am I in for?

To Corbin: A proper English courting

I blushed as I read it.

“He wants to bang you, no doubt,” Austin said over lunch on Wednesday after I showed them the message Pete had sent.

“Total bang,” Roberto added on.

“Ya’ll think so?” I asked. “Ya’ll think this is finally it?”

“And about damn time, too,” Roberto responded. We dissected more of his messages, Roberto, Austin, and I. Brian was upstairs studying for a mid-term, and Hutch was noticeably absent from lunch that day, as he had been for most of the week. I knew he was avoiding me, as even when we had crossed paths, he hadn’t said more than two words to me.

“So what you all are saying is I should be ready for the big one on Friday? The big bang?” I asked, sipping my Coke and looking over the table at the other two pledge brothers.

“I don’t know what getting ready entails, and I’d love to skip on the details, but yes. Yes… be ready for the big bang,” Austin replied. I smirked at them and responded to Pete’s last message.

To Pete: Happy Hump Day, Killer. Can’t wait to see you on Friday.

Luckily for my sanity, I had several things going on that week that preoccupied me from obsessing over what would be my first date, and probably my first fuck, with the man of my dreams.

The first thing that preoccupied me was internal politics at Chi Beta. It was steady as she goes with pledges, but my last couple interactions with Dom and Hutch showed me plainly that I needed to regain the reins of how our house was being run. And I needed to do so quickly. Pledges would be initiated in four short weeks, at the beginning of March, followed quickly by elections and policy meetings. If I wanted my hand anywhere near those events, I couldn’t waste any time, even if that waste of time was a Brit I’d been pining over since last fall.

On Thursday of that week, after a full day of classes, meetings, lunch with Alexandria, I went to visit one of my pledge brothers that I haven’t spent much time introducing to you yet.

That’s because Ben spent most of his time getting baked and bringing a different girl home after every party. Up to this point, he’s been inconsequential. And up to this point, I hadn’t thought to make him consequential. That was about to change.

Ben was tall and thin, and hadn’t let the sedentary lifestyle of a stoned gamer get the best of him. The abs he’d come into college with were still clearly defined. I remember my big brother, Jackson, talking about him when we were still rushing. The crush was palpable for Jackson, and it was obvious why.

Ben was charming when he wanted to be. When he lifted himself off whatever he was doing, he could speak on most any subject with a kind of bewildering confidence and authority. He was smart, and when he came across something he didn’t know, he simply flashed a smile, and that garnered his audience’s trust. He had the kind of charm that could make playing the guitar in a white tank top and boxers look charming, and not creepy. He could disarm anyone, if he wanted to. The key was when and if he wanted to .

Ben’s flaw was that he was lazy, lacked ambition, and was clearly content letting the rest of the house do its thing so long as it didn’t hinder him from doing his- smoking pot, fucking whomever he wanted, and playing games to pass the time when he wasn’t studying.

I was about to change all of that.

On Thursday evening, just before dinner, I knocked on Ben’s door.

“Yeah?”

I opened it and walked in, greeted by the smell of shoes and marajuana. I could tell a girl, or several, had been in recently by the musk and the sheer number of panties that were strewn about, mixed in with the general debris of Ben’s stuff. The room wasn’t dirty, but it was cluttered, and the miscellaneousness of all the debris was bewildering.

“Hey Ben,” I entered slowly and scanned for a place to sit. He was seated on his bed, his bong between his legs, reading a book on coding I assumed was for a Computer Science class, although I had no clue what Ben’s actual major was. Knowing him, he could have been reading up on C++ for nothing but shits and giggles.

“Do you have some time to chat?”

“Sure, Corbs. What’s up buddy?” He had a west coast cadence to his voice. He called everyone buddy or bud. I’d even heard him throw in a ‘pal’ once or twice.

I sat down at his desk chair, slowly scooting a pair of women’s drawers out of my way, and swiveling to face him. I put my hands together and my elbows on my knees, and began my pitch. I moved my eyes from the Jimmy Hedrix poster behind Ben’s head, and made intentional eye contact with him, noticing how bloodshot his eyes were. Even still, he was piercing. His hair was perfectly coifed. His face perfectly chiseled. I nodded towards him and cleared my throat.I needed his focus, and so I didn’t relent through the bloodshot in his eyes.

“Hey, have you ever thought about frat leadership?” I asked.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean taking on some responsibility. Adding to your resume. Dictating some changes around here.”

“I like it here. What would I change?”

“Anything you want. They’re always ribbing you about smoking in the house, right? Charging you a cleaning fee?”

“Yeah, but that’s just the seniors being sticklers. They don’t even live here.”

“Right, but their legacy will carry on if people like the seniors end up in leadership,” I took a deep breath. “Think about it this way. Hutch has been groomed by Dom and the seniors. Maybe you don’t feel the pinch because what’s Hutch going to do to you? Right? But maybe there’s a rushee that doesn’t feel comfortable hanging out here because of some of those policies. Maybe we lose out on some good guys that are more like you because of it. That’s why we change things.”

“Makes sense, I guess.”

I sat back and smiled. I wasn’t there to convince him to run. I wasn’t there to solidify his acceptance by any means. I was only there to plant a seed. A seed that I could grow over the next few weeks in the hopes that I could realign my position and alliances.

“Something to think about, Ben. And maybe something I could help you with.”

I ended the conversation there. I didn’t want to be too heavy handed and show my cards. Elections were a couple months away. I thought about what Chip had told me in the car on the way to The Homestead- that most of the presidents out there weren’t the best guys, but rather the guys that woke up from their slumber junior year and decided to do something. I wasn’t sure yet if I would use it, but I needed an ace in my back pocket in case things with Hutch continued to become untenable.

I needed to wake someone up, and my alarm was set on a quarter past Ben.

I finished up with some small talk with Ben before walking down the hall and around the corner back to my room. When I got inside, Mister immediately circled my leg and let out a loud meow. I bent down to pick her up and noticed that things on my desk had been moved around.

“What is going on here?” I asked my cat. At first I assumed David had been by for one of our afternoon delights. I walked to my laptop and noticed it was closed, something I rarely did on my old Dell. Sitting on top of the laptop was a handwritten note.

“Corbin, I can’t wait for our date tomorrow. Dress nicely and meet me at Southern Inn at 7. I’ll handle the rest. Love, Pete.”

It was almost too saccharine for me at that point, but to say I didn’t melt away would be a lie. In that moment, I was ready to be all in. I wanted to be. I wanted nothing but Pete.

And I realized, holding another one of his notes, I knew I had to finish the week with two more conversations. Conversations that needed to be had before I gave myself over to an Englishman. Conversations, I realized, had an expiration date of Friday at 7.

And it was then that I realized I still had the same loose ends I had told him about the weekend before. Nothing had changed on my end besides the promise of a perfect evening. I still had back burners raging hot, and I hadn’t put them out yet. I still had distractions, and I needed to tie them up before my date with the love of my life.

I put Mister down and picked up my phone. I scrolled through and dialed David. His phone rang and rang, but he never answered. Our pattern of hooking up was Monday, Wednesdays, and Fridays, and while this being a Thursday, and my having no clue what his class schedule was on those days, it annoyed me that he didn’t pick up.

Thursdays were usually a tamer party night at Chi Beta, so I thought maybe he was setting something up with his pledge brothers. I decided that since I was on a 24 hour time crunch, I’d escalate things and call his Pledge Class President.

“Hey Lee,” I said when the freshman picked up the phone. “I need a pledge to help me with some laundry.”

“Okay, yeah. Did you have a particular one in mind?”

“My little, who I can’t seem to get a hold of.”

“I’ll track him down right away, Brother Crowley,” Lee replied. There was a fatigue in Lee’s voice that I made note of. “What time did you want to start laundry?”

“As soon as possible,” I replied. “Tell him to bring a load of his as well.”

“Will do.”

“And Lee,” I said quickly before he had a chance to hang up. “How are you holding up?”

“I’m good, Brother Crowley, thank you for asking.”

“If you need a break this weekend, let me know.”

“I’m good, Brother Crowley, thank you again for asking,” was his response. I heard him sigh on the other end of the line.

“I was just offering some help if you need any.”

“With all due respect, shouldn’t my bigs be offering that?” he asked. There was another twang in his voice. It made me wonder how much Dom and Hutch were guiding him along the process, but ultimately he was right. It wasn’t my place to shield him. I swallowed.

“Send David over please,” I repeated before quickly hanging up my phone.

While I waited for David, I sat in bed and thought about all the possibilities for my date with Pete. I wondered where he’d take me. I wondered how things in an official capacity would be different between us. I wondered how he’d fuck. I wondered exactly how he tasted.

There was a build-up. There was an expectation of perfection. I’d wanted this for months, and now it was here. A day away. And while I knew that building things up too much would ultimately lead to disappointment, I couldn’t help myself.

I must have dozed off at some point in my day dream. It was the click of my door that jolted me awake, to the sight of David standing there with a plate of food and a grin on his face.

“I came by earlier and you were asleep with Mister, so I didn’t want to disturb you,” he said softly. “You missed dinner, so I brought you this.”

It was that night’s offering from Chef Leon. Roasted turkey, mashed potatoes, some sort of questionable beige gravy, and green beans.

“Thank you. You didn’t have to do that,” I replied, sitting up. Mister immediately jumped off my chest and ran under my bed.

“I know. I wanted to be helpful. Lee said you requested my help by name.” David set the plate down on my coffee table and circled over to my bed, where he sat next to my feet. Without hesitation, he leaned down and gave me a kiss. I swallowed the knot in my throat and pulled back.

“Did you bring some laundry?” I asked, swinging my legs around so that we were both sitting side by side on the edge of my bed.

“No, I thought…”

“No, no, I’m sorry, I wasn’t clear. David, when brothers ask you to do laundry or to clean their room, or any errand that takes up a lot of time, it’s because they want you on pause. To put your phone away and to get to know you better. If you’re doing a task for me, you can’t be called to do anything for someone else. That’s why I wanted you to bring laundry.”

There was a long pause. I could tell David was parsing through my every word, trying to understand. I could tell he felt my trepidation in having him there, having him close. He knew I was changing our dynamic, but he couldn’t understand how or why. I could read all of these things in his eyes. I knew David. I’d gotten to know David. He was reading the situation, and I could tell he didn’t love the words on the page.

“I’ll go get some clothes to wash then,” he said, standing. I followed him.

“No, you’re here now, so there’s no need.”

“Should we put yours in the washer then?” he asked, turning to me. We made eye contact for the first time since I pulled away from him, and in that instant I knew he got it.

“Let’s just talk,” I said. “Have a seat.”

“Is it going to be a long conversation?” he asked quickly with just a little more attitude than I liked. I decided to let it slide considering I was about to be his first real adult break up.

“I don’t think so,” I replied.

“Then I think I’ll stand.”

“Sit down, David.”

“Corbin.’

“Have a seat. I’m not asking you.” He sat back down next to me on my bed. I put my hand on his thigh, and looked him straight in the eye. I took a deep breath, wondering how I would go about breaking this young man’s heart.

“David, remember the first time we hooked up. I told you I was waiting for someone.” I paused, thinking he’d acknowledge what I said. He didn’t, so I continued. “I’m not waiting anymore. He’s here.”

He opened his mouth like he was going to say something, and instead ran his tongue around his lips in disbelief. It was the loudest exhale I’d ever heard. His eyes shifted away from me, and for a second I thought I saw a tear form in one of them.

“David,” I started.

“Did you use me to get yourself a little?”

“God no,” I replied quickly. “We didn’t even hook up until after you preffed. No, David.”

“I feel like I should quit,” he said. I could tell at that point his voice, breathing, feelings, were all measured.

“David, no.”

“Promise me, then. Promise me you didn’t seduce me so you’d have a little. That wasn’t what all this was about.”

I could understand his feelings as a freshman, as irrational as they were. I decided to keep the kid gloves on.

“David, you won’t quit. And I didn’t use you. Everything about everything was genuine between us.”

“Except for the fact you were waiting for this guy to come along the entire time.”

“Which you knew from the beginning,” I answered. “You sat on my couch and you read me. You said I could always be honest with you. This is honesty. This... David, look at me. This is brotherhood.”

I watched David lift his head so that he was looking at the ceiling. He licked his lips again, and bit his bottom one in frustration.

“Can I go?” he asked finally. This time the tear was realized, and falling down his cheek.

“David,” I had no idea what to say.

“I want to go, please.”

“Yeah, of course.” I replied quickly. “Do you want to leave your phone here the rest of the night? I’ll cover for you.”

“I don’t need your help,” David’s voice trailed off as he stormed across my room, picked up his backpack, and left.

The knot in my stomach doubled in size. I laid back and took a deep breath. It was one loose end down, and it was one I didn’t think would hurt that badly to tie up. I had been dumped by the senior who took my virginity during my freshman year. I knew what he was going through, and I knew he’d get over it. I also knew it was something I needed to do if I was going to be successful with Pete.

And in so knowing, I knew there was one other loose end to tie up into a tidy little bow.

Late that night I made a call and asked the person on the other line if he was home.

“Sure,” he replied. “Want to come over?”

“I’ll call a Traveller,” I said.

“I can always send a pledge,” Chip responded. “Besides, Traveller won’t be running when we’re done.”

I didn’t tell him then, over the phone, that it wasn’t going to be that kind of visit. Instead I agreed to the pledge, and five minutes later, I got a message saying a car was waiting for me downstairs.

I drove in the backseat of a pledge’s car all the way to Downwind. The chat with David had left me feeling empty, a pit in my stomach. Guilt. Surprise that he was so affected. Embarrassed that I hadn’t planned better. That I hadn’t foreseen his reaction. I knew he’d be fine. He was a hot, young, freshman with a lot going for him. I knew he’d forgive me, considering our previous conversations. I knew David and I would be okay.

But Chip I couldn’t read. The pit in my stomach intensified around every corner, up and down every hill, as we inched closer to Chip’s house.

Chip was an equal, I’d made sure of that, but he also seemed like someone who didn’t like letting go of his toys once they were his. I was clearly in that box, considering what he’d said when I messaged him. He thought that this was his booty call, the one he’d been waiting on since I told him I call the shots a week before.

But it wasn’t. I was there to yank away his toy, and I was admittedly pretty nervous.

“Come in, Corbin,” Chip said. He’d opened the door in nothing but a pair of loose fitting boxers, the kind with a button that held the fly together, in a very traditional red and blue checkered pattern. He held a white hand towel around his neck, like he’d either just finished grooming, or was mid workout and couldn’t have put his sweat rag down for even a minute.

I stepped in, slid past him, and waited for him to close the front door and lead me to his bedroom.

“To what do I owe this pleasure?” Chip asked when we made it to his room with the door closed. He leaned in close to me, too close, and gave me a quick kiss.

“I’m here on business,” I answered curtly.

“I wasn’t aware we had any business to discuss. We’re on our way to making this summit a reality. This must be something urgent, or after hours.”

Chip took his own summation as an invitation and again, leaned in close to me. This time I leaned back and refused to engage. He felt my stutter, and pulled back, tugging on the towel around his neck, and giving me a puzzled look.

“Chip, I really did just want to talk,” I said.

“About something that couldn’t wait until tomorrow?” He turned his head inquisitively, and took another step towards me. He reached down to my crotch and gave it a soft caress. “Come on, Crowley. We talked on campus. Tell me what you really want.”

I took a deep breath. It was time to rip the band aid off, and simply tell Chip that our relationship needed to change.

“I’m going into a relationship,” I said with more air and volume than I intended. “And I just want to make clear what you and I are doing. Because I won’t be able to do this…” I pulled his wrist away from my stiffening cock. “Anymore.”

Chip lifted his face and looked me eye to eye. His eyes, hazel and piercing, penetrated me. I really should have been better prepared for this conversation, because looking into the frat stars eyes, even I had reservations about my resolve.

I swallowed and thought about Friday. The day. Finally. Friday.

Pete and I would make our relationship official. Guys like Chip would be memories or fantasies, depending. But they were not priorities. They were nothing. They were static. I finally had the full picture in view.

I took another aggressive step backwards, letting Chip know this wasn’t that kind of visit. I took a deep breath. Chip sighed.

“You’re ending this part of our arrangement?”

“I’m reinforcing the working part of our arrangement,” I countered.

“You’re breaking up with me,” Chip said with an irony, and a hint of humor that I appreciated. He slumped onto the side of his bed and put his hands in his lap.

“I ultimately think we’ll be more productive on the summit if there isn’t this distraction.”

“I like distractions.”

“And I like having a boyfriend,” I replied. “I’d like to keep him, so unfortunately, you and I have to recalibrate.”

Chip took a big pause. He looked up at me, fiddled with his towel, and then stood up slowly.

“I get that, Corbin. I fully understand,” he took a deep breath, and again stepped towards me. His voice deepened and slowed. “What I don’t understand is why you couldn’t have told me this over the phone. Or next time we met up at the library. You came here to tell me you’re ending it in person… why?”

“I thought I owed you the face time,” I responded with a knot in my throat. “I just wanted to make sure it was clear.”

“It’s perfectly clear.” With a smooth motion, Chip took his towel and pulled it over his head and around my neck. It was suave. It was daring and romantic. It was sexy. “It’s perfectly clear that you want to end things, but you aren’t ready to. You want me to tell you something, give you something, to keep you from trapping yourself with this boyfriend. You want one last fuck with someone before you become a one man’s man.”

Chip spun me around like a doll. I followed his lead, and while breathing in deep, I involuntarily found myself arching my back, and leaning backwards into him.

Chip was right, after all. I was staring at commitment and monogamy right in the face. I wanted Pete more than anything, and wanting Pete meant giving up my freedom. Chip was a symbol of that, and he’d read me like a book.

I felt him press against me.

“Are you finally going to let me fuck? Before you go off and get fucked by one guy forever? Are you going to let me in?”

“Chip, I can’t.” I tried my best to be convincing. I tried my best to convince myself. I pulled away from him finally, feeling an emptiness I wasn’t expecting to feel for the guy I’d known barely a month. Chip wasn’t wrong, I had gone there hoping for a proper goodbye, but by the time I felt him press in on me, I realized I didn’t need one. I needed to go back home and wait.

Wait for Friday.

Finally.

“I should go,” I searched the room for my jacket and was ready to make for the door. I felt like Cinderella, fleeing the ball before it was too late. If I stayed in that room with Chip exuding all of that sexiness for one more minute, I would have stayed and acted on an impulse I would surely regret.

“I really need to go,” I repeated, again searching his room for my coat. At that point, I would have run right into the February cold to get out of there as quickly as possible. I knew my resolve, and I knew it had a time limit.

“Wait, before you leave,” Chip started.

“I’m not going to fuck you, Chip!” I spat, turning to see him standing there holding my jacket out to me. I was flush, and frazzled. I’d come to break things off, and he’d pushed every correct button to make me question that decision.

“There’s going to be an opening on the University Executive Council,” Chip said quickly when he realized I was serious about leaving. He held his stance, but lowered my jacket. He knew he had my attention. “I was going to tell you after I unloaded inside you.”

“Pillow talk?”

“Pillow talk,” he replied with a grin. “My brother is on the council, and there are two members being suspended for conduct. The other seven on the council want to replace them with members of frats that aren’t traditionally represented. To lessen the stain. My brother asked me if I knew anyone… anyone I’d been spending some extra time with. Anyone that he could trust to vote accordingly. Anyone with ties to the newspaper that could help spin the impending suspensions so they don’t affect the rest of the council. And the rest of our house.”

I took a deep breath, but didn’t respond.

“I told him I could think of one person,” Chip added.

I knew where this was headed, and I knew what Chip was doing. It was rare for anyone outside of the top fraternities to get on the EC. It just didn’t happen. And the EC had more influence than any organization on campus. They ran the campus, essentially. Getting on wouldn’t be a dream come true, because I hadn’t dreamt that high yet. Chip could see the wheels turning inside my head.

“Corbin,” he took a step towards me. “It’s the EC. And I could get you on. You’d be in charge of every club’s budget on campus. You’d be involved in any policy changes over the entire campus for the next year. You’d preside over any Honor Violation trials, or student and faculty misconduct. You’d instantly become one of the nine most powerful people on campus. In one fell swoop, if I decide to have my brother nominate you. People who used to pass you over would grovel at your feet. You know how much this school loves self-governance, and you’d be one of the governors. You think you have power now, on the IFC. The EC owns the IFC. You know that. And I can get you on. And once you’re on, you’re on until the day you graduate. This is your legacy. Chi Beta, the IFC, all of that was leading you to this.”

By this point, Chip was an inch away from me again. He put his hand on my waist and pulled me in. I felt his hard cock right away, pressed up against my crotch. He pushed in harder and kissed me forcefully. This time I didn’t pull back. I let him. I let him have his moment. Talking about my ascent to power was a turn on for him, and so I allowed him to turn things on.

With my right hand, I lowered my palm onto the front of his pants and squeezed. He let out a moan and relaxed even harder into me. I wasn’t giving back much, but he appreciated my tongue, my body writhing in motion with his, my hand massaging his stiffening cock.

And after a minute or so, I decided it was time. Time to make my stand.

Finally.

I pressed down hard on Chip’s cock. He bit the bottom of my lip in pain as I gave his dick a vice grip of a squeeze. Now I pulled back my body but maintained my grip on his manhood. I felt it stiffen even harder in my grip. He thought this was a game but I was determined to play by none other than my own rules.

“How often?” I asked. I cocked my head back and stared him in the eye.

“What?” I could tell he was choking in pain, realizing that I wasn’t there to play anymore.

“For you to get me the nomination. How often do I need to sleep with you? Tonight? One more time? Once a week?”

“Corbin…”

I pulled even harder on his cock and balls, pulsing my hand tightly, not willing to let go.

“Answer me. You brought me here to blackmail me, so let’s carve out the details, because I’m never having this conversation with you again. How often?”

“Once a week,” he sighed.

“For how long? Until you graduate?”

“Corbin,” he sighed. I didn’t relent. “Fine! Until graduation. And alumni events after.”

“How long are sessions? An hour? Two?”

“Two hours.”

“Oral? Anal?”

“Always oral. Sometimes anal.”

“Oral once a week. Anal every other. Never spending the night, and never here more than two hours.”

“Fine…” he was pleading for me to let up but I held my ground. And my grip.

“No kissing.”

“Fine,” he let out a cough. I could tell the blood stuck between my grip was starting to get to him. “You're ruining this for me.”

“No sir, you ruined this for us when you decided to blackmail me with something you know I clearly want when I had the audacity to change our relationship. I came here to break it off easy, and you decided to make it hard.”

I finally let go of him and he gasped for air. I took a step back, looked at Chip, and decided to go in for the jugular.

“You’re pathetic, and that’s why I wouldn’t choose you over him. You’re ready to be nothing more than a cardboard cutout side piece who I will discard as soon as you walk down that graduation aisle. You are fifteen feet from the most powerful seat on campus and you’re ready to trade that in for a lay because you’re too disgusting and cowardly to go out and get what you really want for yourself. You hide inside this closet and let more powerful men do whatever they want around you. In bed and in offices, and for that you’ll never have the life you’ve dreamed of, and will always live vicariously through men who get what they want, like me. Pathetic.”

“Shut up, Corbin.”

I took a threatening step forward, and balled my hands into a fist.

“What are you afraid of? That the groundskeeper’s kid doesn’t deserve a seat at the table? You’d rather swallow my scraps the way I swallow your cum? Like propping me up while you fuck me makes us what? Equal? You think you can fuck the courage from me, and straight into your cock?”

“You’re a bastard!”

“I will do what it takes to get what I want, meanwhile you have nothing more than an argyle sweater and a mediocre cock to get what’s yours. It’s embarrassing.”

“I will fuck you up if you say one more…”

“One more what?” I felt the hiss in my voice, and realized I was taking a big risk calling Chip out like this. But I needed him to understand who was in charge. He may have had the nomination in his hands, but I wasn’t his puppet. And I wasn’t going to fuck things up with Pete before they started just to give into Chip’s blackmail. And so I pressed on, doubled down, and made Chip feel too small to cross me.

“Listen to me, you are nothing. You were nothing when I approached you to help, and you’re nothing now, standing there trying to blackmail me. Let me remind you who I am. I’m Corbin Mother Fucking Crowley. If you think I wouldn’t spend the next four months ruining you, you are sorely mistaken. If you don’t think I’ll walk down to the paper right now and tell them know my sources confirm that two members of the EC are being replaced on the downlow, you are sorely mistaken. And If you don’t think I’ll spread that my source tried to blackmail me for gay sex from here all the way to your little father’s office in West Virginia, again, you are very mistaken. I will stop at nothing.”

“Corbin, it doesn’t have to be like that.”

“I know it doesn’t, because I will tell you exactly how it will be. You’ll tell your brother I’d be the perfect candidate, and you won’t use sex in order to seal that deal. I will go to my boyfriend, and you will continue to live your pathetic life until you graduate, and when you do, you’ll pass off your IFC committee chairmanship to me. And in return I won’t out you to every single person who reads The Signature. I won’t detail how you whisked me away to The Homestead and begged me to sleep with you. And I won’t tell your brothers you barter committee appointments for head, and maybe they’ll still let your gay ass stay in their little inner circle.”

I took a deep breath and stepped back.

“And if I choose to ever touch you again, it will be on my terms. It will be at my house, in my bed, and just like I’m doing now, it will be my cock that fucks you in the ass. Do I make myself clear on every single one of those things, Chip?”

I took a deep breath, proud of what I'd just said and done. Proud of the decision I had just made, and on a high because of it that I couldn’t deny. I was on a cloud, hanging well over a completely diminished Chip.

“I expect a confirmation that you’ve talked to your brothers,” I said as I grabbed my jacket, and flung it over my shoulders. I pulled my arms through, and buttoned each button as if I was fastening armor. “I expect it by Monday.”

I took a final step back, and opened his door.

“Why are you cruel?” he asked as I opened the door and took a step out. “To everyone? Why do you find their weakness and use it to be cruel? Why are you like that?”

I turned back to face him.

“Excuse me?”

“You didn’t have to say that. You didn’t have to say anything about me or my sexuality or my family or my friends. You could have just said fuck it and left. I would have nominated you anyway, I… I…”

“I what? Use your words, Chip.”

“I was excited when you approached me at the IFC. You seemed more genuine than the other guys in those circles, but you’re even worse than they are. You think you have to use the worst tactic, the most cruel. You’re even more evil, and that’s because you don’t have to be. You have charm and charisma that will get you far, but instead you say things like you just did because to you there is nothing more arousing than knowing you can put someone in their place. Whatever that place is to you. Why? Why are you so cruel like that, Corbin?”

I took a shallow breath as his words pierced me in the heart. He was right, I didn’t need to go for the jugular with him. I could have told him it was over, and I’d use his secret as leverage if I needed to. But my speech was cutting. It wasn’t a negotiation. It was a hostage situation. I’d gotten what I wanted by any means necessary. And for that brief moment, I had to face that guilt he had just instilled. I felt it slide down my throat like a knot the size of a boulder.

And then the guilt passed. I had done what I‘d done and said what I'd said because I wanted power, and I wanted Pete too. And I was no longer in a position to compromise either of those things. Not with Chip Wallace. Not with anyone.

“Would it have made a difference to you if I’d fucked you first? And then told you it was the last time?”

“It would have made a difference if I had at least pretended you were attracted to me, and not been so obviously using me this entire time,” he replied. “You didn’t have to be cruel.”

I actually felt sorry for Chip, and how pathetic he sounded.

“I’m not cruel. And I’m sorry you didn't get everything you wanted out of this, Chip. But that’s life. We don’t always get what we want,” I leaned in for this final message to him. “Lick your wounds. Pull yourself together. We have a university to run.”

I left Chip’s room in a flash, pulled out my phone, and called Lee to send me a pledge. I waited outside in the cold, watching my breath circulate in the wind as I thought about my conversation with Chip, as well as where I was headed next.

The pledge Lee sent was one of the senior’s cronies, and so as he sped through the hills of Clifton back towards campus, we sat in mostly silence. I took a quick minute to quiz him on my pledge brother’s names, but aside from that, I simply sat and contemplated.

When we neared the red brick houses of Clifton Hill, I made a decision based on all of my contemplation up until that point.

Finally.

“Instead of taking me back to the house, please take me to the international dorms. Where brother West lives,” I commanded.

“Are you sure? They’re setting up a party at the frat house now. I think a lot of the girls from Pi Phi are coming,” he replied.

“Do as I ask please.” I responded firmly. A minute later, we were pulling into the dormitory down the street from my house where Pete lived.

I was still on a high from taking down Chip Wallace, and so without even taking a breath, I exited the pledge’s car, and bounded up the stairs. I could feel every ounce of breath in that moment, coursing through my body. Adrenaline filled my every vein. I was on a high, and I wanted to share that with the only person in the world that mattered. The only person in the world for whom I had just done what I had done.

“Corbin,” Pete opened the door. He didn’t motion me in, but stood there in a pair of slacks and a white undershirt muscle tank. He looked intoxicating, if not surprised at seeing me standing there.

“I don’t want to wait,” I said, out of breath, not from exertion, but from sheer excitement. And still, I didn’t miss a single beat. I felt like I hadn’t come down from cloud nine since I’d left Chip, and there I was. Taking what I wanted, yet again. Demanding what I needed. Sharing this moment with Pete. Refusing to compromise.

Finally.

“What are you talking about?”

“Our date tomorrow. I don’t want to wait. I want to make love with you right now. I need to feel you right now.”

Pete took a step back and opened the door.

“What’s gotten into you?” He looked me up and down. Instead of responding, I pulled his face close to mine in a kiss that only lasted a second, but told the story of a lifetime. A story that was six months in the making.

“We’ve waited so long. I’ve tied up my loose ends. I want to do this. Finally.”

“I have a whole thing planned,” He said, pulling away from me. He stepped all the way inside his apartment, and I followed with two short steps. Pete hesitated before closing the door behind us. “I’m really proud of it.”

“I don’t give a shit.” I took another step closer to him. I kissed him again, this time even more aggressively. This time I wrestled his tongue, and pressed my body against his. This time I pushed both against the wall, forcing him to feel me. This time, Pete responded by pushing closer to me, wrapping his arms around my waist, and pulling me in.

I pushed him back further into the common area of his dorm that he shared with Adam. I wondered if my frat brother was there, but pushed that thought quickly out of my mind as I used every ounce of passion to pull Pete on top of me, as we both fell to the couch.

His resistance was completely gone. So much for the perfect night he had planned. It would have to wait. As for me.. As for us… we couldn’t. I didn’t want to, and therefore, we didn’t need to.

“Corbin,” Pete sat up, straddling between my legs, out of breath. He looked down at me, so perfect, lust in his eyes. He breathed heavily, and for a moment, I couldn’t understand why he’d stopped.

But it wasn’t just lust I saw. I took a deep breath and laid back, and waited for it. There were questions in his eyes, and I wondered to myself exactly what those questions were.

“I want this to be special,” he said. “Our first time together.”

I didn't say anything at first. I wanted it to be special as well. But more importantly, I just wanted it to be.

Tearing down Chip reminded me that I could have what I wanted. I’d made the final decision not to fuck him for my personal gain. I’d chosen Pete. In a culmination of six months of wavering, I had put my foot down. I’d done what I should have ages ago, and felt as if I deserved a reward. I deserved Pete’s cock, balls deep in me, his tongue exploring my body. I deserved the chance to explore his. To taste him and swallow him, and feel him make love to me.

“Tell me what you have planned,” I replied softly, sitting up and getting my legs out from under him. I rested my hand on his chest and leaned in to listen. I figured if I was going to take what I wanted that night, I could give him this moment. I could give him the satisfaction of explaining his perfect night, his perfect date, and his perfect moment.

“Well first I was going to pick you up from your house,” his reply was barely higher than a whisper in my ear. I could feel his heart beating against my palm.I could feel his voice vibrate against my ear.

“I told you to dress up,” he continued.

“You did,” I cooed. I moved my hand down ever so slightly to his stomach and rubbed him gently. I felt his heart skip just one single beat.

Finally.

“I was going to have us walk to The Bistro on Main,” he continued softly. I leaned in and kissed the base of his neck.

“I was going to order us oysters and champagne,” he cooed, as I continued to kiss. His hand found its way to my shoulder, then down my arm, as he continued. “I was going to have you order anything on the menu. And at the end, I was going to lie and say it was your birthday so you’d get a desert with a candle on top. I was going to ask you to make a wish, even though I know what you’d wish for.”

I took a deep breath, and in that moment, pulled my palm all the way down to his thigh. He sighed deeply.

“Then I was going to walk you hand in hand down Gentleman's Green, taking in the night with you. Kissing you. Holding you tight. Stealing kisses whenever you’d let me.”

I gently rubbed his upper thigh, getting closer and closer to the prize every time.

“We’ve waited this long, I wasn’t going to rush. I was going to buy you a flower maybe.”

“Maybe?”

“Definitely. A rose.”

I pulled back.

“Do I look like a rose kind of a guy?” I smiled. He leaned in for a quick kiss before he continued.

“Then I was going to bring you back here. I was going to clean everything, I promise. New sheets and all.”

“Ah, so chivalrous.”

“I was going to undress you slowly, kissing you from head to toe, making you feel every bit of my love. Corbin, I want us to take our time. I’m not going anywhere, and I don’t want to rush this. I want our first time to be worth all the time it took to get here.”

All of a sudden I felt bad for rushing it. I felt bad for bombarding him simply because I was on a power trip, and that power trip filled me with the insatiable need for passion. This was about us, not me. And hearing him describe his beautiful night made me realize I was entering a relationship, not a dick-tatorship. There were two of us on that couch, and his vision of love was worthy of my respect.

“Then let’s wait,” I said softly, resting my head on his shoulder. “I want to experience this your way.”

He sat back on the couch after a deep breath. I moved my hand away from his crotch and put it back on his chest.

“But Pete, if I’m honest, we could do this any way, anywhere, and any time, and I know it would be special. I don’t need the pomp and circumstance. I just want to be with you. Finally.”

He turned his head to look at me, his green eyes penetrating me deeper than they ever had before. He leaned in for a kiss that up until that point was different than any other. My tongue was instantly pulled deep into his mouth. His strong hand pulled my head so close to his, I thought we would be welded together. With his other hand around my waist, he pulled me in close, and instinctively, I wrapped my leg around his waist and straddled him on the couch. We made out that way for what seemed like eternity, two old lovers who had agreed to wait, but couldn’t keep their hands off each other.

Finally, Pete pulled back, caressed the back of my neck, looked me deep in the eye, and said the words I’d been waiting to hear since last August.

“Fuck it, Corbin,” he said. “I want you. Forget everything. Forget it all. Forget everything I just said. I want you. Let’s fucking go.”

Pete lifted me like a feather off the couch, set me down, grabbed my hand, and led me to his bedroom. He shut the door, pinned me to the wall with a kiss, and whispered in my ear.

“Corbin Crowley, let me make fucking love to you.”

And that, dear reader, is the first night that he did.

Finally.