The Light at the End of the Tunnel - 1. Chapter 1

Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep

Caleb snaked his hand out from under the sheet and groped blindly for the source of the noise. Grasping his phone, he instinctively pressed the side button, ceasing the aggravating sound. His eyelids remained glued shut against the incoming annoyance of sunlight breaking through the seams in the blinds.

Damn, all he wanted to do was stay in bed. When he slept, his mind was still. If he dreamed, he never remembered the details. Once he was awake, all bets were off. His thoughts immediately became a whirling maelstrom in his head.

How many times in the past year had someone told him he needed to talk to someone? First, it was Sebastian MacTire who took over his old pack after Caleb betrayed them. Once he arrived in Texas, his college roommate, Chase, and Chase’s Alpha had also suggested he see a therapist, going as far as making it a condition of his stay with their pack north of Laredo.

He told them he wasn’t ready, but Chase’s Alpha informed him it wasn’t negotiable, eliminating any possibility of finding refuge there. Caleb didn’t have many options. Thankfully, his childhood best friend, Luke Hemming, spoke with his Alpha, Giles Harris.

Giles was more understanding of Caleb’s situation. While he didn’t insist on therapy as a condition of Caleb seeking sanctuary, he stressed it was a good idea–an essential tool for recovery. Still, Giles allowed him to stay, letting him have a small cabin near the main house on his ranch in north Texas, near the Oklahoma border.

He wasn’t ready to face his demons. His only wish was to be left alone, which had worked until a few months ago. His ex-packmate, Zev, and his mate, Ben, had shown up unannounced with Elijah, who, with his friend, Tyler, had discovered a pair of hybrid pups nearby.

The trio took time out of their schedule to stage an intervention. They went to Giles and expressed concern over his self-imposed solitary life. Giles told Caleb that Zev confessed he had never seen him so depressed, and the young shifter was scared. As a result, Luke and Giles ensured he wasn’t alone for days at a time, like before.

Reluctantly, Caleb threw the covers back. His wolf whined, wanting to run. Maybe later. Right now, his presence was required at the main house for Sunday brunch, a new requisite from Alpha Giles. It was better than therapy. Barely. With no other options for sanctuary, he didn’t have any other choice. It was a small sacrifice of a few hours in exchange for relative solitude for the rest of the week.

Despite being invited to join the Texas pack, Caleb declined. He was content with being allowed to stay in the cabin on the far side of the most outlying pasture, less than two miles from the main house. It was barely a five-minute drive down the dusty dirt road, which followed the fence line in a straight shot to the big ranch house.

Giles’ home was two stories with a massive, open porch, not entirely wrapping all around but covering three sides of the structure. Comfortable, hand-hewn outdoor furniture spaced along the wide plank flooring allowed pack members to gather and shoot the shit when the weather was nice.

He looked out the window, noting the increasing clouds gathering in the mid-morning sky. Damn, he was hoping to steal away this afternoon and take Eclipse out for a long run. Winter had loosened its grip, and while the fields were still barren and the air still cold, it wouldn’t be much longer before the spring rains heralded a riot of colors blooming across the landscape.

With a sigh, Caleb padded to the bathroom, internally telling his wolf he could run later. Letting the hot water sluice over him, he washed away the last vestiges of sleep, scrubbing his skin until it was red. No matter how hard he tried, he could never wash away the shame that clung to his every waking hour. It felt like a permanent stain on his soul.

Dried off and dressed, Caleb avoided the mirror adorning the top of the dresser in his bedroom. He grabbed his keys and headed outside. Eclipse was at the water trough in the paddock adjacent to the four-stall barn, which sat slightly downhill from his cottage. He grabbed a fresh bale of hay and hefted it up and over the fence rail.

Hanky Panky, Hank for short, came over to investigate. Hank was the donkey who kept Eclipse company. For a creature with a reputation for being stubborn, the little Eeyore clone was relatively mild-mannered. Caleb thought he might recognize the predator within the humans in his life. A wolf could make even the most stubborn donkey toe the line.

Going back into the barn, he doled out a measure of grain in two clean buckets and delivered them to the waiting noble steeds. Well, at least one was a noble steed. Eclipse was a buckskin Palomino stallion, his beige coat tapering to strong black legs, which matched his long mane and tail. He had a small, round black patch between his eyes surrounded by a white ring, hence the name– Eclipse.

Caleb bought Eclipse his first week on the ranch. Giles invited him to a cattle auction, and as soon as he’d seen the beautiful creature, he knew he had to bid on him. With some luck, he outbid three others who were also interested in the horse. It had been decades since he’d been around so much livestock, the last time being roughly sixty years ago when one of the ranchers in his pack passed away with no offspring to take over.

At the time, not long after his dad relinquished control to him, the pack only numbered one hundred and twenty. It was easy to take over the ranch as a base of operations. He’d expanded the property, buying out a few neighbors as the land became available. Gradually, word got out, and the success of the cattle business drew other shifters to petition for acceptance until they numbered over two hundred.

A little over thirty years ago, after a territory dispute that claimed the lives of eight pack-mates, he gained control over the land that became his main base. He appointed one of his younger, trusted Betas to run the operation at the ranch and moved to the newly claimed territory. Three-quarters of the pack relocated with him, and over time, they took over the little town of Silverton, which boasted a mere one hundred human occupants at the time. The defeated pack’s occupants all cleared out. Eventually, the numbers swelled to just over six hundred, spread out across a vast majority of north-western Montana.

Caleb shook his head and pulled his thoughts out of the past and into the present. He grabbed the keys to his truck and resigned himself to the next few hours of forced socialization. It certainly wasn’t his preferred Sunday entertainment.

“Caleb!” Luke’s voice greeted him as soon as he opened the truck door. Looking around, he spotted his friend coming across the yard, multiple grocery bags dangling from each hand.

“Hey Luke, need a hand with those?” he asked, nodding toward the bags.

“Nah! I’ve got them. They’re not heavy, mostly empty cans. Juka needs them for a school project.”

Juka was Luke’s ten-year-old nephew. His real name was Gustavo, and until his little sister, Gail, came along when he was two, he was Gus. A year and a half later, the moniker was born, courtesy of Gail’s insistence on calling him Juka, for whatever rationale a one-and-a-half-year-old could devise. The nickname stuck. Go figure.

A few other pack members hailed them as they made their way inside. Luke deposited the bags of empty cans in the front entry before leading the way to the large open kitchen and dining area.

Jorge, Giles’ first Beta, was setting out cream and sugar next to the large percolator occupying a table. He nodded as Caleb and Luke came over to pour themselves some of the brew.

“How’s it going?” Jorge asked, sticking out his massive hand to shake each of theirs. He was a big man, not as tall as Sebastian MacTire, who stretched the measuring tape to a ridiculous six and a half feet, but he came close.

“Good, can’t complain,” Luke answered his pack mate with a grin.

Caleb groaned under his breath. There was plenty for him to complain about in his life, although it wouldn’t do any good.

He left Luke and Jorge to their small talk, retreating to the common area where he tucked himself into a chair in the corner, trying to be inconspicuous. Pack members filtered in and out of the room, too focused on their conversations to give him much notice.

The call from the kitchen, letting everyone know the food was ready, finally had someone looking his way. Of course, it had to be Giles.

“Caleb, there you are! I saw Luke a bit ago, and he said you were here somewhere. How are you doing?”

“Fine, thanks. Been keeping busy,” he replied, keeping his eyes averted.

The Alpha saw right through him. “Don’t bullshit me. You only show up here on Sundays because you have to. It looks like you’ve lost another ten pounds, and the dark shadows under your eyes speak for themselves. ‘Fine’ is everything you’re not. I still think you should talk to somebody.”

As a former Alpha, he understood the need to make sure everyone in the pack was mentally and physically healthy. He got it. He really did. Giles wouldn’t be a good Alpha if he weren’t concerned for Caleb’s welfare. The man had shown him kindness in the year since he’d been living on Giles’ land. Few wolves would allow a fallen Alpha to step foot in their territory. Caleb would have respected him for that alone if there were nothing else. As it was, Giles was one of those rare individuals who was indeed a good person.

“I know. Thank you for being so concerned, but I’m still not ready to face my demons head-on.”

Giles sighed. “Caleb, I’m sure everyone will agree. I’ve been patient so far. However, we’re all worried about you. Sebastian checks in with me weekly and is damn-near ready to come down here himself.”

Caleb frowned. The last thing he wanted was the Alpha who’d dethroned him anywhere near. His wolf was cowed enough by his betrayal. The animal would not do well with Sebastian nearby. Despite his debilitating depression, he wasn’t willing to risk the beast going rogue because of a perceived threat, real or not.

“That’s not necessary. I’m sorry. I don’t know why you’ve put up with my bullshit, but I appreciate it. I promise I’ll start seeing someone, but can it wait until after the roundup?”

Giles looked at him intently, then nodded. The spring roundup was a month away. All hands on deck were needed to head out onto the government-owned land the pack leased and bring in the cattle who’d been grazing and living off the wide open space since the fall.

It gave Giles and his crew a chance to get a good head count, especially the new calves, to determine how much the herd had grown. It usually took several days, camping out under the stars and putting long hours in the saddle and on ATVs to account for all the cattle. Fluctuations in the numbers were expected. All ranches lost cows to predators and had a baby boom every spring. It was a fact of life. It was also a fact that government reimbursement programs depended on accurate counts.
“I’m going to hold you to it. Speaking of the roundup, I reviewed the trim schedule and noticed Eclipse is due. Asa will be back in three weeks. You’ll need to bring your horse around for his trim. Otherwise, you’ll be on an ATV for the roundup.”

Asa was the local farrier. Caleb saw him once or twice from a distance while trimming and re-shoeing the horses’ hooves. He had no desire to meet new people. Caleb always dropped Eclipse off at the main barn for trims and new shoes. With the threat of being relegated to an ATV for the duration of the roundup, he promised Giles he’d bring Eclipse in on the appointed day.

The rest of the brunch was relatively lively. Caleb made an effort to participate in conversations, and by the time he hit the three-hour mark, his self-imposed limit for social interactions had peaked. He was more than ready to head out to enjoy his usual solitude. Giles, nor anyone else, was surprised when he said goodbye.

Luke walked him out to his truck. “Hey, you still have a standing invitation to come by for poker night. I’m gettin’ tired of taking these guys to the cleaners. None of them can bluff worth a shit.” He chuckled.

Caleb shook his head. Wolves could smell lies, at least most of the time. It was a rare beast that could pull the wool over another wolf’s eyes, but he and Luke perfected the talent way back when they were young. The skill had served him well in his duplicity when it came to betraying his pack, and he wasn’t proud of it. Not wanting to be reminded of his fall from grace was a big part of why Caleb wouldn’t partake in poker night. Besides, he wasn’t good at socializing these days anyway.

“I’ll think about it,” he promised vaguely, knowing damn well he’d already given it as much thought as he was going to.

Luke merely gave him a look saturated in pity.

The ride back was as uneventful as the ride to the main house. After getting out of the truck, Eclipse greeted him with a welcoming whinny, and Hank followed suit with a hearty, braying hee haw. Clomping up the two wooden steps, he went into his cabin to change into a well-worn pair of jeans and a battered, old flannel shirt. He swapped his good boots for the broken-in pair he favored for riding and donned his fleece-lined jacket, gloves, and wide-brimmed Stetson.

Undoubtedly, he’d fallen comfortably into the role of a cowboy. Not only did he look the part, but he enjoyed being out all day on horseback. If Giles would let him, he’d spend every day riding in the pastures, tending to the herds of cattle. As it was, he was part of the rotating roster of cow hands. He was limited to no more than three days out on the range.

Caleb was looking forward to the roundup. It meant five to seven long days in the saddle, which was rough on the backside, but also meant being tired enough at the end of the day to fall asleep as soon as one’s head hit whatever they were using as a pillow.

Giles provided RVs for the duration, setting them up in a modern-day wagon circle closest to whichever site they were nearest to at the end of the day. Generators provided electricity for cooking and hot showers–modern-day creature comforts everyone appreciated.

Outside, he entered the small barn, grabbed Eclipse’s tack, and gave a sharp whistle as he approached the paddock. He slung the blanket and saddle over the fence rail, unlatched the gate, and stepped in, only to be accosted by Hank, looking for treats. He swore the donkey was part dog, the way he begged.

Pulling a carrot out of his coat pocket, he gave the treat to the little rascal and turned to find Eclipse waiting patiently for his. The horse munched happily while Caleb scratched behind his ears. Once the carrot disappeared, he slipped the bridle over the horse’s head and buckled it, ensuring the bit was positioned comfortably.

The horse followed him to the rail and stood still while Caleb tossed the blanket over his back, smoothing any wrinkles that might rub the wrong way before securing the saddle, then led Eclipse out of the paddock. After securing the latch on the gate so Hank couldn’t escape, Caleb gave another tug on the girth, hiked his left foot into the stirrup, and gracefully swung himself onto Eclipse’s sturdy back.

As soon as his ass hit the leather and his feet were set, Eclipse came to life, tossing his head and stomping so that his black mane shook itself out. Caleb clicked his tongue and prodded the horse’s sides with his heels. The beast took off at a brisk canter, hooves kicking up dirt, leaving a dusty trail in their wake.

Caleb gave the horse his head once they passed the corral's end. Hank ran along the fence until he ran out of room. They’d be back later. The little guy wouldn’t be alone for too long. Eclipse followed the dirt road for a half mile before veering off across the field to the west. The horse kept up a steady pace, covering ground quickly but not strenuously enough to tire him out. Caleb enjoyed the rush of cold air that buffeted his exposed face.

The flat prairie yielded to scattered trees and vegetation as they approached the hillier area not far from Rita Blanca National Grasslands. He slowed Eclipse to a walk, needing to let the horse rest and keep him from stumbling over the uneven terrain.

The clouds that marred the sky held themselves to the north, allowing the sun to shine, lending its early spring warmth to the air. Caleb took off his jacket and stowed it in the saddlebag, taking out a bottle of water and quickly chugging half of it down.

He led Eclipse to a swiftly moving stream, letting the horse quench his thirst. While the horse drank, Caleb’s thoughts turned inward, as they often did these days. He wondered how Vann was doing. He was sure Sebastian and Reilly were showering the boy with love and support. Caleb wished it was him doing it, but he lost that privilege the second he disregarded the pack’s well-being in favor of his own.

Vann didn’t deserve the shit-show that was Caleb’s current status. He made the right decision, asking the trustworthy Alpha and his mate to take care of the boy. As much as Caleb wanted to be a father to him, Vann was in a much better situation. He wasn’t worthy of having him as a son. He never was, nor would he ever be. Even if he came clean and told Vann the truth, he doubted the boy would ever be able to forgive him.

He remembered vividly being scared the day Vann’s mother showed up, desperate to make sure her child was safe, so desperate she would let a virtual stranger care for him. Looking back, he was so shell-shocked at the arrival of this cute little four-year-old kid that he couldn’t think clearly.

Running the pack took up so much of his time he didn’t think he could give Vann the attention a small child needed. After they got news of Vann’s entire pack being massacred, Caleb knew the best thing for the boy was to find a family who could give him the love and support an orphan needed. He had been entirely clueless when it came to those types of situations.

In retrospect, with hindsight being twenty-twenty and all that, Caleb knew they would have figured it out if he had kept Vann and brought him up as his son as he should have. It might not have been smooth sailing, but his pack would have helped however they could. It was now all water under the bridge. He couldn’t change the past, and his future looked pretty bleak.

He couldn’t help the dark thoughts that crept in. It was as if a foggy mist covered his mind, swirling around, thickening in some parts, thinning in others. No matter how hard he tried, the fog never burned off. It was as if it were immune to any source of light which tried to dissipate it.

So all-encompassing were the dark thoughts it was hard to remember any good times in his life. It was getting harder and harder every day just to function. It’s like his brain was a honeycomb, only instead of being filled with sweetness, black sludge filled each chamber, slowly encroaching on all of his emotions, turning them sinister.

He didn’t dare tell anyone. He was sure they would lock him away. His wolf already balked at the forced solitude and threatened to turn on him. It was only a matter of time. As it was, the beast pushed forcefully at his internal restraints, wanting to run free.

Caleb sighed. He dismounted and led Eclipse to a small patch of young trees, loosening the girth and slipping off the bridle, replacing it with a halter and lead. He secured the rope to a low-hanging branch before stripping off his clothes and allowing his wolf to surface. Bones cracked and popped, the process taking longer than it used to. Once his wolf fully emerged, it gave a low growl to voice its displeasure with Caleb before pushing him into the background of their consciousness. Caleb didn’t mind. It was quiet, his thoughts buried as the wolf took control.

The sleek gray creature took off at a run, letting the air ruffle through his fur, paws pounding over the ground as the terrain flew beneath them. Muscles flexed and bunched as he ran, eating the miles up quickly, taking a long, circuitous route around the spot where Eclipse was tethered.

He stopped once, panting, as his nose picked up the distant scent of people. They were south of his location, so when he took up his run again, his wolf headed east, toward the grasslands and the National Park.

Once he deemed himself far enough away, his wolf let out a mournful howl, calling to packmates too far away to answer. Despite being invited, Caleb had declined all of Giles’ invitations to participate in pack runs. He didn’t feel he deserved their acceptance, further alienating himself. His wolf was rightfully pissed.

In the distance, a tiny speck kicked up dust along one of the multitudes of dirt roads meandering through the area. The wolf watched the dot as it traveled across the horizon, getting slightly closer but not enough to cause concern. He couldn’t expect complete solitude. Even though the area was sparsely populated, it wasn’t isolated. Plenty of ranchers and ranchhands used the old cattle roads to travel from one place to another without going miles out of their way via the main roads.

Satisfied he was alone, the big gray wolf trotted along, sniffing the air and marking his territory. Occasionally, he caught the scent of nearby prey. Movement to his right caught his attention. A rabbit—ears perked up on alert and whiskers twitching—stood on its hind legs, scouting for danger. Crouching low, the beast silently crept forward, keeping the unsuspecting bunny downwind.

He closed in, rushing forward and closing his jaws around the unsuspecting creature’s neck, snapping it mercilessly. The law of nature was absolute. Kill or be killed. Hunter or prey. Most often, there was no choice.

Wagging his tail in triumph, the wolf loped along the brush to the tree line, not far from where a large horse was tied, its scent familiar, not prey. Lying down in the shade, he devoured his kill, bones crunching as he feasted. When he finished, he licked his chops, cleaned his muzzle as far as his long tongue would reach, then swiped it over his paws, sweeping away the last remnants of blood.

Yawning, Caleb’s wolf stood up, shaking his fur out, deciding to take one more run before allowing the human to take control. He wasn’t quite ready to relinquish the freedom he now relished. If the human kept him cooped up too long, he would push back and force his way through. He would not stand being ignored anymore.

Stretching his back legs out and then dropping the front part of his body down, he loosened his muscles before letting himself run again. Air whipped through his thick fur, his ears flattened back, his tail acting as a rudder, helping him balance as he jumped and leaped over small ravines, arroyos, and various other obstacles.

Caleb pushed his mind outward, letting his wolf know it was time to head back. He had responsibilities, whether he wanted them or not. Reluctantly, his wolf turned and headed toward the horse that was not prey, following a dry riverbed.

So wrapped up in his enjoyment of the small slice of freedom he received, he missed the movement to his south, not scenting the acrid smell of gunpowder and metal until a split second before searing pain ripped across his neck and shoulder. The wolf stumbled, rolling over and over as momentum carried him across the dry, dusty grass. He felt the blood pulsing out of him.

Caleb tried to shift, but the pain was too great, and his wolf refused. As he came to a halt, he could only manage to lie there, rapidly panting as pain coursed through him. A swiftly spreading pool of red liquid fanned out onto the dirt. The bullet must have hit an artery. Wolves healed fast, but he doubted any wolf could quickly repair such damage.

Every second that passed, he could feel himself getting weaker, slipping away. Surprisingly, he found he had mixed feelings about dying. On one hand, all of his pain and suffering would finally be over. On the other hand, there were still so many things he had to resolve and so many people for who he needed to correct the wrongs he had committed. Now, it looked like he wasn’t going to get the chance.

He heard a distant shout as icy coldness crept under his skin. He was going into shock. His vision blurred and started to go dark. Just as the blackness around the edges of his sight closed in, a blinding white light overtook him.

Was this how it ended?