The Orchestra - Sinfónia Lifsins - 19. White Knight

“So, Gunni, how was the Christmas party?” Jó asked as soon as Eiri and I got home. He had been waiting for us at the front door and hugged me and his partner the moment we crossed the landing.

“Oh, it went very well!” Eiri answered before I could say anything. He kissed Jó on the cheek and smiled widely as he gave the main news of the night. “Gunni even got a boyfriend out of it!”

“Oh, is this true?” Jó asked me, mostly delighted, but a bit insecure. “It’s not that mean cellist, is it?”

“No!” I said, doing my best to reassure him, even though his rejection of Siggi hurt a little. “It’s Dmitri. He asked me out during the party and I said yes.” As much as I didn’t like to keep secrets, I thought it was probably better not tell Jó about the real reason Dmitri and I were together. He wouldn’t like it and I didn’t want to spoil his happiness.

“Oh, I’m glad. Dmitri sounds like a decent guy.” Jó nodded approvingly.

“He’s quite nice,” Eiri agreed, soothing my back with one hand. When he spoke again I was glad for this calming gesture, because his next words made me blush furiously. “Though he was blatantly hitting on me from the moment we spoke. You’ll have to be careful, Jó, he’s quite charming.”

“Yes, because I know you’re just waiting for the most opportune moment to run away with the first sexy kid who comes your way. I feel so threatened…” Jó teased, and he and Eiri hugged and kissed. I thought about telling them what Dmitri had said about keeping our relationship ‘open’, but in the end I decided not to. I wanted to go over everything with mum before I spoke about it openly.

Jó and Eiri asked for more details of the party, particularly the time I spent with Dmitri outside the restaurant. I told them all about how he had been very gentle and hadn’t want to push anything, and how afterwards he had made me feel confident enough to confront Siggi for the first time. I didn’t say anything about my conversation with the cellist, though, because it would mean having to talk about what he had told me about his attempted suicide. It was such a cruel thing to do to his best friend that I was still having trouble processing it all.

Once I was safely in my dark room, lying on the bed with Tjúlli the cat sprawled at my feet, the moments spent with Dmitri outside the restaurant took over my thoughts. It was still weird to think of him as my boyfriend, though the feeling of having a boyfriend itself was even weirder. He had felt so warm back then, when we hugged and sat together on the log, and when we kissed and it seemed like the world had disappeared and we were the only beings still around. I felt really safe around him, like his bear-hugs could protect me from anything and his kisses could keep all my fears at bay.

That night I actually dreamed of the two of us kissing and spending a fun afternoon looking at the sunset and playing music. There was no sign of Siggi anywhere throughout the dream.

(...)

On Sunday I called mum to talk about everything. I told her all the details I hadn’t had the courage to tell Jó and Eiri, and she was really happy for me. She thought I had made the right decision.

“I might be able to be in Reykjavík for your birthday,” she told me after I finished my story. I was so happy with the news that I squealed loud enough to alert Jó downstairs. He ran up to my room with his frying pan and scared Tjúlli, who until then had been resting peacefully on my lap. The poor cat fled in a flash and avoided us for the rest of the day.

“I’m sorry,” I told them, putting the phone on loudspeaker so we could all talk together.

“That’s fine, Gunni. As long as you scream with happiness we won’t be angry!” Jó waved away my worries. Once he understood what had happened he showed his brightest smile. Mum also laughed a bit.

“It’s not one-hundred percent certain yet, but it looks like I should be able to have a break from the 24^th to the 28^th,” mum carried on, sounding just as excited as I felt. It had been more than a month since I last saw her; we had never been apart for so long.

“And you’ll stay with your evil sister during that time? You sure you don’t want to stay with your son?” Jó asked, not at all apologetic for calling Aunt Margrét evil. Mum didn’t seem offended, though.

“I would love to stay with Gunni, you, and Eiri, but I fear Margrét will feel abandoned if I do that. She’s my sister; I don’t want her to be upset during Christmas,” mum answered, though Jó still didn’t seem convinced.

“You and Gunni are too nice for your own good, you know that,” he sighed, shaking his head in amusement. “Do what you think is best, Lilla, you know you’re welcome here anytime.”

“Of course I know, Jó. The same goes for you and Eiri.”

Our conversation didn’t last much longer. Mum told me a little more about her plans for the holidays and hinted that I should catch up with my friends from Akureyri, particularly Fríða. She kind of made me feel bad for not having talked to them for so long, even though she assured me that they understood I had been very busy adapting to my new life. I called Fríða as soon as we hang up.

“Oh my God, Gunni, is that you? Really you?” Fríða asked as a way of greeting. At that moment I realised how much I missed her voice.

“Yes, it’s me. How are you doing?” I said, feeling embarrassed and a little guilty for being such a bad friend.

“Better now that I’m sure you are alive!” she beamed. Knowing how much more awkward I would feel because of her answer, she quickly added, “but no hard feelings, Gunni. We know how busy you must have been with all the concerts and rehearsals and the whatnots. We listened to all your performances, you’re absolutely brilliant!”

“Thank you,” I said in an almost whisper. Fríða knew very well these kind of comments were likely to make me feel more under pressure and anxious than reassured, but for some reason she had been making them for as long as she could talk.

“So, what made you finally remember your hometown? Do you miss us already?” My former girlfriend and oldest friend asked, changing the topic before my face could melt in its own heat. Even though she could not see me I had no doubt she knew exactly what my facial expression was like. Similarly, I could see her carefree smile, her hands that refused to stay still when she talked, her gleaming hazel eyes shining in that very particular way they always did when she was talking about me.

“I got a boyfriend,” I told her. After sharing the news with Eiri, Jó, and mum, it became a lot easier to speak about it openly.

“What? Already?” I heard the sound of something heavy colliding with something very solid. She most likely had banged her fist against the desk. “Wow, Gunni, I didn’t think you would be such a stud! Barely a month away and already dating? This guy must be amazing to convince you so soon!”

“It’s a long story.” I took a deep breath and tried to tell her everything from my first meeting with Siggi to Dmitri’s plan to help me get to him. More than once during my tale she let out dreamy sighs, like she was imagining the whole thing playing out in a soap opera.

“But how to you feel about Dmitri then?” She asked once I was done. I took a while to speak, pondering the answer myself.

“He’s a nice guy. I feel safe when he’s around, he doesn’t push me to do anything.”

“Have you guys had sex yet?” Fríða asked, and I could just picture a grin steadily growing on her face.

“No, I don’t think I’m ready for this kind of thing,” I confessed, trying hard to not think about what it would be like to be in the same bed as Dmitri. It was not that he scared me, but since Fríða had convinced me to search the internet for instructions on gay sex, I had become convinced I would rather die a virgin. Putting your genitals in other people’s butts was not something I found appealing. “I like the kissing, though. It’s really nice.”

“Is that the most you’ve done?” she asked, sounding genuinely curious rather than judging. She was the only person who had witnessed my reaction to gay porn: at first my face had heated up in embarrassment when I realised I was actually watching porn. Then it glowed for a different reason because I noticed there were naked sexy men in the video, and then I felt my face burn in something akin to agony when I noticed exactly what those men were doing. This had been the day she decided she had had enough of my cluelessness about my own sexuality and yanked me out of my oblivious closet with a bang (and some screams).

“Yes, and I like when he touches my face, his hands are always very warm. Sometimes he touches my butt too.”

“Oh, and what does that feels like?” I could see my friend arching her eyebrows for the emphasis. She sounded like she was lying on her belly in bed, propping her body up with her elbows and gingerly tapping her feet against the mattress or waving her legs in the air. I had seen her do it so many times before my brain always assumed it was what she looked like when she was on the phone.

“It’s quite nice too,” I confessed. I remembered the time he did it as a form of encouragement, right before we entered the stage the day he told me why Siggi would not be coming to rehearsals for a week. “Dmitri always asks before he does anything. I like it that way.”

“So you always know what is coming and what to expect?”

“Yeah. And he always says I’m free to say ‘no’ to him anytime, but…”

“But you never felt like it?” Fríða completed my words. It didn’t surprise me that she knew what I was feeling.

“No, not really.”

“Aw, Gunni, I’m so happy for you!” she beamed, sounding like she wanted to hug me. “I really hope your plan works, or at least that you and Dmitri get to have some fun while trying.”

“Thanks.” If I had been speaking to anyone but Fríða I would have felt like I had just been stealthily encouraged to go beyond kissing with my boyfriend, but because it was her, it did not immediately feel that way. She had a habit of saying those kinds of things to me without really meaning it. But what she said next spoiled this feeling.

“You know, sex is not just about penis’ in arses…”

“Please, I don’t want to think about it.” I had a sudden flash of the weird things we had seen people do in the porn videos. I would definitely never do any of it.

“Oh, sorry. You haven’t forgotten the porn, have you?” She asked, half laughing, half trying to be concerned about me.

“No. I don’t think I ever will.”

“Wait until you’re actually having fun sexy times with Dmitri. You’ll forget it really quickly.” She sounded like she was nodding at her own words, like she knew exactly what she was talking about. “Or maybe you could talk to Dmitri about the stuff we saw and he can work towards diminishing your trauma.”

“I can’t talk to him about that!” I almost shouted, exasperated, and heard the faint sound of laughter from the other side of the line. Dmitri acted like he had had plenty of experience with all kinds of sex; there was no way he would not think I was being ridiculous or childish. He would probably not go as far as Siggi and call me a child, but he could definitely think less of me and not be so happy to continue his plan. At least as long as it was up to me to take the initiative, I would never have to mention my embarrassing discovery of internet porn.

“Well, do as you wish, but I think it would be good for you. You know what they say about traumas, right? That it’s easier to recover once you feel capable of talking about it,” Fríða insisted. I was beginning to feel uncomfortable with her probing, but I hoped she would realise it before I had to tell her.

“Maybe, but still…”

“Ok, I’ll leave you alone.” Fríða laughed, most likely noticing my discomfort and finding it amusing. At least this part of the conversation was over. “Now how about some gossip from this side of the country? Quite a lot happened here since you left…”

And so for the rest of our talk Fríða filled me in with all the news concerning my friends and teachers. We hung up about half an hour later with me feeling happy to be in touch with friends again, a little bit sad that they were so far away, and also somewhat anxious about my relationship with Dmitri. Even though he had reassured me he would not pressure me to have sex with him because he would do those things with other partners, I began to feel insecure about what would happen when I did feel ready but didn’t want to do the kind of things I saw in the videos. If I told him I wanted to have sex, would he assume I would be up for everything?

At night I had another dream about Dmitri, but this time around he was a porn actor in one of the movies I had seen with Fríða, and he invited me to join him and the other random men who appeared in the video. For some reason, dream-me accepted, but thankfully I woke up before we could do anything.

(...)

I did not say anything to Dmitri about my insecurities or my dream, and our first few days as a couple turned out to be very similar to the time before we were dating: he would come talk to me before rehearsal began, we would hug and kiss at the backroom during breaks, and he would take me to the bus stop when rehearsal was over. He once offered me a lift in the car he shared with Karen, Gísli, and Siggi, but I decided not to accept it, in case Siggi got too angry with my presence.

On Wednesday, however, Dmitri called me to the side as soon as he spotted me at rehearsal instead of just coming up to my seat. We ended up in a secluded corner with Siggi, who acted like I was not really there, or maybe like he was not there. I decided not to ask what was going on. Dmitri seemed a bit anxious.

“I need to tell you something before it’s too late,” he said, scanning the room like he was looking for someone. Eventually he turned back to me, probably giving up his search. “One of the soloists we have for the Christmas Concert is a little bit creepy. He likes to hit on newbies, particularly if they’re young. Siggi and I usually have fun with him at rehearsals and after the concert.” Despite his worried, rushed tone, Dmitri grinned a little bit as he said this particular line. “Anyway, I think he might want to try come on to you, so I’m warning you now. Because you’re our leader he’ll probably back off if you make it clear from the start you don’t want anything to do with him. In any case, I’ll be watching you, so you don’t have to be afraid of him.”

“Ok…” I said, not really reassured. It was worrying that Dmitri felt the need to watch over me when this guy was around.

“I’ll point him to you when he gets here. It won’t be very difficult to see him because he’s big and fat,” Dmitri continued. “And he only looks at the guys.”

When the soloist, a tenor called Kresten, finally appeared, Dmitri discreetly pointed at him from our corner and came with me over to my seat. He had planned to stay there until we were about to start, making up silly conversation topics to pass the time, but he changed his mind very soon.

“What is going on?” I asked him when he suddenly stood up, furrowing his eyebrows and making a somewhat worried face.

“Siggi is taking Kresten to the backroom. I have a really bad feeling about this,” Dmitri answered, more sombre and serious than I had ever seen him. “I better go and see what’s going on.”

“I want to go too,” I said, worried about Siggi. Whatever was about to happen to him could not be good if Dmitri was so worked up.

“Fine, let’s follow them and do whatever we can to get Siggi out of this shit.” Dmitri took my hand and we rushed to the place we had seen Siggi and Kresten disappear to. It occurred to me we should have called Gummi to deal with this situation, but Dmitri seemed so determined and in control that I ended up not saying anything.

As we approached the locked door I heard some muffled cries of protest. This got Dmitri even more worried and he began to work on the lock with a paper clip. I felt my heart beating so fast it wanted to break my ribs and spring out of my chest to help Siggi. Dmitri’s anxiety was scaring me, and so were the faint sounds I could hear from the room. Part of me wanted to run for help, but most of me wanted to stay and help Siggi myself; I wanted to do whatever I could to make sure he would be ok after all this.

Finally Dmitri managed to pick the lock and bang the door open. From where I was standing I could not see what was happening inside, but I could hear it very well.

“Hey, Kresten, I’m afraid Siggi has been ordered to not stick stuff up his ass for a while; you’ll have to make do with me,” Dmitri announced with a kind of energy and playfulness that didn’t fit at all with how restless he had been until then.

“I want the new boy,” Kresten answered. His greedy tone sent shivers down my spine. I was glad I was not able to see him, or I would probably have frozen on the spot.

“Sorry, Gunni’s off-limits too. He’s too shy for that stuff. But I’m here and I can’t wait to get reacquainted with your dick again. What do you say?” Dmitri proposed, adding a sexy undertone to his voice that made me blush even with all my internal turmoil.

“Come here and I’ll give you enough dick to last for the rest of the year,” Kresten grunted. Soon afterwards I saw Siggi struggling to leave the room, crawling like a toddler with his trousers fallen to his thigh. He managed to kick the door closed, but we remained very aware that Dmitri was screaming not far from us. I couldn’t tell whether those screams were from pain or pleasure, and I had to focus really hard on Siggi in order to not dwell too much on it.

I tried to help Siggi get back on his feet, but he didn’t let me do anything. Like when he had told me what he had done to Dmitri, he told me what had happened between him and Kresten in a way that made my stomach churn and my brain scream in fear. Despite his words I tried to stay calm and focus on helping him, but then I heard Dmitri let out the loudest pained scream I had ever heard and I felt some of my lunch coming back to my mouth.

Dmitri and Kresten left the room soon afterwards, though. They were laughing and smiling like they had just come out of an exciting party. And since Siggi had been telling me how Kresten would definitely go for me next, when the tenor looked at me with a predatory gaze I needed all my self-control just to keep my last meal inside my body.

“Are you ok, Siggi?” Dmitri asked the cellist, despite heading straight towards me and enveloping my body in a warm and safe bear-hug. I probably looked as sick as I felt.

“Yeah. He didn’t do anything to me,” Siggi answered, trying to shrug the whole thing off as if it was no big deal. It was obvious Siggi wasn’t ok, though. His body was shaking slightly and he still couldn’t stand up on his own. But Dmitri ignored those signs.

“Good. I almost thought I was too late. It would be a pain to have to take you back to the hospital so soon. And I would probably feel guilty too,” he said, making alarm bells ring loudly in my head. I remembered that Dmitri had not gotten over Siggi’s suicide attempt yet; that he had probably been terrified of sending his best friend to the hospital back then, and more than that, he probably felt guilty about it. I realised Dmitri somehow thought everything had been his fault.

This realisation was the last push the sickness building inside my throat needed. I was aware Dmitri and Siggi were still talking, but I couldn’t hear the exact words. I somehow managed to call my boyfriend, and he barely had time to take my shaken body to the toilet before my half-digested lunch was forced out of my mouth.

“I’m sorry, Gunni, I shouldn’t have let you come with me,” Dmitri said, holding a few longer strands of hair away from my face. “I didn’t want to scare you.”

“It’s… it’s fine…” I managed to say. Things were slowly settling down now that I was alone with Dmitri and his comforting hands were touching my face again. “I’ll be fine.”

“Siggi says the same thing all the time. I’m far too used to it not being true,” Dmitri answered. It could’ve been my imagination, but he suddenly sounded very sad. “I’m here for you. I won’t let Kresten get near you, and I’ll be here if you need someone to talk to or someone to hug you.”

“Shouldn’t you talk to someone as well?” I asked, regretting it as soon as my words were out. I didn’t want to intrude in Dmitri’s life like this.

“About what?” he asked, surprised. I turned to face him; now that I had touched on the topic I had to carry on until the end, and I didn’t want to have this conversation while facing a smelly toilet seat.

“About what happened between you and Siggi. I know what he did to you, and I know you feel really bad about it still, even though it’s not your fault.”

“What do you mean?” he asked again, his voice a little bit higher and his brows furrowed. My face heated up in embarrassment. I felt like I had just invaded a deeply personal part of his life and that I should turn around and leave, but instead I carried on. I wanted to help him, and this was the only way I knew how.

“Siggi told me about how he used you before. Siggi thinks you’re not affected by it anymore, but after I spent so much time with you I think this is not true. So I just thought that maybe talking to someone about it could help you feel better.”

“Thanks, Gunni, but I don’t think I’m ready for it yet.” Until now Dmitri had been crouching beside me in the toilet stall. After he spoke, he let his body fall against the thin wall behind him and sat on the dirty ground hugging his knees. “I should’ve guessed Siggi would tell you at some point. He wants to make you quit your job.”

“Please don’t change the subject.” I approached Dmitri, touching his face like he usually did to me. I didn’t realise we had sort of switched places until he asked for a hug.

“I’m sorry, Gunni. My shit with Siggi is really complicated,” Dmitri sighed. He was hugging me very tightly, even though I probably reeked of vomit. “I’ve known him since I joined the ISO. He told me so much fucked up stuff about his life that quite frankly I understand why he did what he did. I don’t blame him. I just…”

“That’s not how it works, is it? Just because you don’t blame him, it doesn’t mean it didn’t affect you.”

“I guess not. But hey, life carries on. Siggi is alive, I’m alive, and some day I’ll stop thinking about this shit. So it makes no sense to stress so much about it now.” Dmitri pulled our bodies apart so that I could see he was grinning.

“If that’s what you think…”

“Yeah. I’ll be fine.” Dmitri winked. “But thanks anyway. Are you feeling better now?”

“I think so,” I said, though as soon as Kresten’s face returned to my mind I felt slightly uneasy again. “I think I’m a bit scared, but it will be over after tomorrow, so I’ll be fine.”

“Everyone knows what Kresten is like. They know that Siggi and I like the attention, but I’m sure they’ll step in if they see him doing something you don’t like.” Dmitri stroked my hair and suddenly we were back to normal. Soon after that he helped me wash up and we returned to the rehearsal room. Siggi and Kresten were acting like nothing happened and no one else seemed aware anything had happened, so I decided to not say anything either, and the dress rehearsal carried on as well as it could be expected.