The Orchestra - Sinfónia Lifsins - 44. Between Nightmares and Real Monsters

“And remember, it’s ok to not want to talk about something; you can tell Gummi you don’t want to answer a question, and you’re allowed to say ‘no’ if Gummi asks you to do something you’re not comfortable with.”

“You don’t need to remind me of those things, Arnar.” Especially not for the third time on the way to the Harpa. “But thanks anyway.”

“How are you feeling?”

It was too late to feel anything that would keep this meeting from happening. “I’m ok, I think. I’ve felt worse.”

“Good. But if your feelings change, you know you can–”

“Yes, I know.” As annoying as it was that Arnar seemed to believe I had suddenly developed the memory of a goldfish, his concern was something I had learned to appreciate rather than push away. It was Arnar’s constant reassurances that had finally convinced me he really meant it when he said he wanted to help me get better. The constant checking and the annoying reassurances made me trust him like I had never trusted anyone else.

I did not particularly ask for it, but the corners of my lips went up anyway.

Arnar and I had the decency to be early for our all-important meeting about Kresten, but Dmitri and the replacement missed that memo. They arrived together and late. Gummi only let us in once everyone had arrived. At least Arnar knew doing small talk with me while we waited was pointless.

“Please take a seat, everyone. Thank you for coming today. I know I called you here to discuss a very serious matter, but please try to relax and get comfortable.”

For some reason Gummi thought it was reasonable to have our meeting of five people in one of the largest rooms inside the Harpa. Despite all that space, we ended up hurdling together at one table corner. Close and personal, like Gummi wanted it. As the boss, he sat in the middle, and asked me to be on his left side. Arnar sat on my other side without me needing to say anything. Dmitri took the place in front of me, and thus the replacement was forced to take the seat furthest away from me, beside his dear, darling boyfriend whom he clung to like they were conjoined twins.

“I’m not going to waste time reminding us why we’re here. I’m going straight to the point. I want to ask you what exactly happened at that dress rehearsal with Kresten. Please tell me everything.” Gummi’s eyes never met mine. His gaze fell beyond me, focused on Arnar instead. A few seconds of uncomfortable silence followed Gummi’s introduction, enough for Arnar to give our boss his ‘this-is-not-what-we-agreed-on’ stare and force Gummi to amend his words. “I mean, please tell me as much as you’re comfortable telling.”

This was my cue. Some things needed to be said before Dmitri or the replacement felt the need to share their over-dramatic opinions. “I went to Kresten willingly. I told him I wanted to enjoy his company, and I meant it. The one reason things turned out the way they did was because I was under medical orders not to get fucked in the ass. I said I could still give him a blowjob, but he only wanted to fuck. And, to tell the truth, I wanted to be fucked too. If it wasn’t for that medical order, we wouldn’t be having this meeting.”

“You’re making it sound like it was your fault that things went wrong.” But of course Dmitri had to butt in anyway. “You’re making it sound like it wasn’t a big deal either.” His hand touched my knee under the table, but he spoke to the boss next. “Kresten had his eyes on Gunni too. I was watching over him to make sure Kresten was not going to try anything inappropriate. When we saw that Siggi and Kresten were off to the dressing rooms together, I had a bad feeling about it and we decided to go after them. Kresten had locked the door. By the time I got there, it was obvious that Siggi wasn’t consenting to what was going on.” Dmitri finished his little speech looking at me again. “It doesn’t matter if you went there willingly. Kresten tried to do something you didn’t want him to do. It doesn’t make any difference if it was because the doctor told you not to or because you weren’t in the mood.”

“If it’s not too much to ask, what exactly did Kresten do?”

Dmitri’s hand squeezed my knee, and Arnar’s hand found its way to my shoulder. They expected me to have problems telling the details of what went on in the dressing room. Yet, the words left my mouth easily. Maybe too easily.

“When I offered Kresten the blowjob, he said he wanted my ass. He pinned me against the wall and opened my trousers. He turned me around and touched my ass. Then Dmitri came in and convinced Kresten to fuck him instead while I got away. He didn’t actually rape me.”

Even my limited emotional capacity could tell that Gummi was horrified. The replacement’s face turned paler than usual and he seemed about to deposit his undigested lunch on the table. On the other hand, Dmitri had the most annoying look of pity on his face, and Arnar’s hand squeezed my shoulders in what he hoped was reassurance. Those two were most likely just waiting for the moment I broke down in tears and started crying, triggered by the memories.

But I felt nothing.

Nothing at all.

It was not just my inability to connect to my feelings. There simply were no feelings to connect to. Kresten’s rough handling of my body in disregard of medical orders was just another thing that happened in the past. It was over. Nothing came from it. Nothing ever would.

“Attempted rape is still a crime, isn’t it?” Dmitri spoke to Gummi again. “Kresten was really angry when he fucked me. I acted like I enjoyed the whole thing because I didn’t want Siggi or Gunni to feel even worse, or for Kresten to feel like he hadn’t had enough sex, but it hurt a lot more than I would’ve liked.”

This was the first time Dmitri openly admitted to not having enjoyed sex with someone (apart from when I was on top). Was I supposed to feel sorry for him?

Gummi put on his look of pity, so I probably should too. “Sexual harassment is a crime, yes. If I’m not mistaken, the punishment is up to two years in prison.”

“That’s very little.” Arnar’s hand squeezed my shoulder again.

“Maybe, but at least we seem to have a clear case against him. I’ll ask our lawyers what we have to do to put Kresten on trial. We won’t let him get away with this.”

“I don’t think it’s that easy.” All four pairs of eyes were on me. “All we have are three unreliable witnesses accusing a celebrity of a crime that is way too easy to deny. Kresten will have good lawyers that will know how to kill the case before it gets anywhere. Not to mention, he’s Danish and lives in Denmark. We’re never going to get him to come over here for a trial.”

“Why are we unreliable witnesses?” The replacement spoke for the first time. He somehow managed not to puke all over his dear boyfriend’s clothes.

“I tried to kill myself, Dmitri was a sex worker, and you’re an immature brat.”

“Siggi, there is no need to insult Gunni. We are all here to help you.”

“Yes, boss.” Even in a meeting about my fucked-up life, people were still trying to shelter the kid from the harsh realities of the world. Of course they would.

Arnar’s hand moved to my back in soothing circular motions. I got the message all right.

“That said,” Gummi tried to look at all four of us as he spoke, but all he managed was to look like he had a serious case of twitchy neck, “I don’t think your past will make your story less credible. We have good lawyers too, and we’ll do whatever is needed to make sure Kresten goes on trial. Someone like him is a danger to others; he needs to go to prison.”

“I still don’t know if I want to press charges.” Kresten being on trial would mean testifying in front of a jury again. A crowd of strangers scrutinising everything about me, from my appearance, to the way I told my story. It would mean facing lawyers bent on destroying me with confusing questions. And even more nightmares. “Actually, I’m sure I don’t.”

“Why not?” Gummi leaned towards me. His hands banged against the table’s surface. Loudly.

Arnar’s arm pulled me closer to him. His chest against the back of my head, his arm hugging me like a barrier against the new threat. There were no flashbacks this time, just the feeling that something bad would happen as soon as he let go. My ears heard the rest of the meeting, but my mind was no longer there.

“I think Siggi doesn’t feel ready to go through another trial.” Arnar spoke the words I could no longer say on my own.

“But if we don’t do anything, Kresten could end up hurting more people.”

“I know, and I understand your concern, Gummi. However, Siggi is not well enough to take care of himself right now. I don’t think it’s fair that we put all this pressure on him and ask him to care for other people too.”

“Maybe we can get Kresten without needing to involve Siggi too much.” Dmitri’s voice broke the ensuing argument. My body remained as close to Arnar as it could without breaking my neck. How ridiculous it was to be in a meeting about my almost-rapist and be triggered by my father instead. Thinking about Kresten and what he tried to do to me produced no emotion at all. But Jón Ásgeirsson? The shit he put me through would never leave me.

“What are you thinking, Dmitri?”

“I think that if we start asking around our friends from other orchestras Kresten has played with, we might be able to find out if he did this kind of thing to other people too, or if Siggi’s case was just an isolated incident. If we’re lucky, other situations will turn up, and then we can prosecute Kresten without having to involve Siggi too much.”

“I think it’s an idea worth considering.” Arnar’s ribcage vibrated when he spoke. “It might actually be our only chance with the way things stand.” The feeling of imminent danger was going away. Gummi was not going to jump down my throat. Arnar had spent a lot of time reassuring me Gummi was not going to do anything I did not want to, and it seemed he was right. As per usual.

“I’ll see what I can do, then. I’ll discreetly raise the matter with some of my contacts and see what they say. It probably won’t be easy to get them to talk, even if something did happen, but I’ll try.”

There was not much else to do after that. Arnar stayed to watch the rehearsal, and the music put an end to the last of my irrational fears that Gummi was going to turn into my father and punish me for refusing to follow his expectations.

Later, Arnar and Dmitri told me they were surprised by my lack of reaction to Kresten’s assault. They were glad I seemed to be over the whole thing already. We thought this was the end of this mess, at least for the time being.

It took only twelve hours to prove us wrong.

(...)

The hotel room was familiar and unfamiliar at the same time, like a mash-up of all hotel rooms I had ever stayed in. Everything was quiet. I was alone. Or so I thought.

Hands on my back. Thrown face-down on the bed. My hands pinned over my head. Breathing on my neck. A heavy body on top of mine.

“I always get what I want, Siggi. You thought you could trick me, but I came back to claim what is mine.”

Kresten bit my neck. Pain. Sharp teeth. His hand touched my ass. Trousers and underwear disappeared.

“You’re mine, Siggi.”

The pain was too much. Worse than anything I ever felt. Things tore and burned with every one of his thrusts. My body could not move. His grip on my wrists cut through my skin like a sharp blade. Never-ending thrusts. Never-ending pain.

He got what he wanted. Pulled out. His stuff burned inside me like lava. I could not breathe. Kresten left me there. To die.

(...)

“Siggi! Siggi! Wake up! Please!”

Dmitri’s face came into focus. This room was familiar. The bed was familiar. The nightmare was over.

“He’s awake!” Other cheers joined Dmitri’s. Karen and Gísli were there too. They came closer.

“We’re so relieved you’re awake!” She touched my hand. She was warm. I was cold and sick.

“We couldn’t wake you up no matter what. You were tossing and turning and screaming so much! It was scary!” A kiss on my forehead. From Dmitri of all people. How strange it was to get a non-sexual kiss from him. Must have been a first. “We were afraid you weren’t going to wake up.”

“I felt that way too.” My throat burned like my body had burned under Kresten’s grip.

“What was your nightmare about?” Gísli’s deep voice was soothing, if only because it was the exact opposite of the tenor’s.

“Kresten… he did what he wanted to do to me at the Christmas Concert.” Collective gasps. Dmitri’s hand on my hair. “It felt way too real.”

“You’re safe now. It’s over.” Another soft kiss on my forehead. Tender hands in my hair. Dmitri’s touch was soothing. Caring.

“It doesn’t feel like it.” The pain from the nightmare had not gone away. My body felt like Kresten had really had his way with it. That pain was very real, even if the wounds were not. “I feel dirty.” There was something warm and disgusting inside me. I could picture the mixture of blood and semen staining the bed sheets. It was leaking out of my ass, making the burning feeling even more intense. The real world and the world of dreams had become one and the same.

“Do you want to take a shower?”

“I don’t want to be alone.” Kresten had appeared out of nowhere. He could be hiding here too, just waiting for an opportunity to make my nightmare real.

“I’ll go with you.” Dmitri and Gísli got me out of the bed. Bed sheets were clean. I could not walk. It hurt. Kresten had hurt me. Dmitri and Gísli sat me on the bathtub and turned on the showerhead. Water glued hair to my forehead and eyes.

“I’ll make you some tea and toast.” Gísli left. Dmitri stayed.

“Should we call Arnar? How are you feeling?”

“Don’t go away.”

“I won’t. I’ll stay here with you.”

The water finally cleaned the nightmare away. There was no bloody mess, but the pain was washed away by the warn droplets on my skin. The real world came back to focus. The bathroom. Dmitri. Lots of wet hair that would never dry in time to go back to sleep.

“Are you feeling better now?”

“Yeah.”

“I’m glad.” A smile. Dmitri turned the water off. “Come, Gísli is going to bring us some food. Hopefully that will make you feel better.”

The pain was gone, but it left its mark. My body felt heavy. Exhausted. Dmitri called Karen to help him guide me to the bed.

In the bedroom, Gísli brought the food. Dmitri sat beside me on the bed. My body was so limp he had to help me eat. Karen and Gísli sat at the foot of the bed. They stayed with me too. They were not going to leave.

(...)

The nightmare had been my mind’s way of saying that I was not as over Kresten as I thought I was. It was not that the tenor’s assault had not messed with me at all, but more like there was other shit ahead in the queue of things to ruin my life that required more immediate attention. The four days with Arnar had gotten rid of much of that shit, so Kresten’s unfinished business was finally free to shine its misery. And it still took my mind one whole day to realise that being nearly raped at my workplace was not something to be taken lightly. Evidently, there was no subtler way of announcing my newest trauma than my most realistic nightmare to date.

But nightmares were nothing new. As painful as this one had been, it was still only one bad dream among thousands of others. Life carried on as usual. In less than a week Kresten was away from the forefront of my thoughts, though admittedly it was not entirely of my own doing. A certain Russian oboist gave me something else to think about on an otherwise boring Saturday night.

“Hi, Gunni, what’s up?” Dmitri got a phone call just as we were getting ready to sleep. The kid did not know even the most basic lessons of phone etiquette. “No, no, it’s ok. I wasn’t sleeping yet… No problem, don’t worry about it. I’ll see you tomorrow… Aw, it’s ok. I’ll do my best to make you feel ok tomorrow. I’m here for you… Then that’s what I shall do! Whatever it is that’s bothering you, try not to worry too much. We’ll sort it out, ok?... Good night to you too! Sleep well and have some distance cuddles!” The love birds finally hung up. Dmitri turned to me, assuming that for some reason I would be interested in his dealings with the replacement. “Gunni said he wants to talk to me about something important tomorrow at his house. He was really nervous. I hope he’s ok, and that he’s not trying to break up with me or something like that.”

“What do you see on the kid anyway? If you’re not even fucking–”

“Actually, I think that’s exactly why I like being with Gunni.”

“What is that supposed to mean?”

“I mean I like being Gunni’s boyfriend because there’s no fucking. It makes our relationship different from all other relationships I have, and it makes me focus on aspects of being with someone that I thought I had forgotten.”

“What? You’ve been fucking people for so long that you forgot how to keep your cock in your pants, or–?”

“No, that’s not what I mean.” Dmitri’s insufferably confident grin took over his face just as hands found my body. With us already lying naked in bed all he had to do was touch my cock and this pointless conversation would be over. But no. His arms did not venture that far down. They did not even reach my abdomen. Dmitri gave me a hug instead of a handjob.

“Then I still don’t know what the hell you mean.”

The hug tightened. I would rather have his hands close around my cock. “Gunni is making me remember that I used to like much more than sex when I was in a relationship. I had forgotten how much I liked being close to my partner, feel his body next to mine when I woke up in the morning, kiss and cuddle just for the sake of it, and just… just be together.”

“I thought you had sworn off that kind of intimacy for your own good.”

“I did.” Dmitri’s head fell on my shoulder. “And I still would never consider going down that road again with anyone else. But Gunni feels safe. I know he’s not going to hurt me, so I’ve been able to just let myself have a great time with him.” The way Dmitri spoke about the replacement was worryingly similar to the way I felt about Arnar. Our stories were not that different after all. But it had to be some kind of cosmic joke that the one destined to help my best friend out of his hellhole had to be the one person I did not want anywhere near me. “I hadn’t realised how much I missed that caring and that intimacy until I started doing it with Gunni. And I’m able to do all that because I know Gunni and I won’t fuck anytime soon. As long as sex is out of the picture, I’ll be safe to get as close to him as I want.”

“So you two are never going to fuck?” Not that I wanted to imagine Dmitri and the kid going at it. I had a horribly varied catalogue of nightmares as it was.

“Well, I suppose if Gunni eventually decides he wants to have sex with me, I’ll give it a go.”

“But you were just going on about how your relationship is special because you keep your hands away from his underwear and go cuddle instead. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but you sound like you really don’t want to have sex with him. At all.”

“I think I’m not sure how I feel about it.” Dmitri’s body tensed next to me. “I know I feel safe getting close to Gunni precisely because we don’t fuck. But if the person I cuddle with becomes a person I fuck as well, then… Then that’ll be just like I was with Þorsteinn…”

“Except the kid is nothing like him.” There were very few people who could make the kid look good in comparison to them. Unfortunately, Dmitri and I were all too familiar with those types. “And you’re always the first to say that I shouldn’t have sex if I’m not positively sure I want it. Yet, you just admitted to not being sure you want it, and you’re still willing to fuck if the kid says he wants to. For fuck’s sake, Dmitri, even I can tell this is not going to be good for you.”

“Are you calling me out?” Dmitri sat back up and looked at me like I had grown an extra head.

“I’m calling your bullshit, yeah. You’re doing exactly the kind of thing you warn others not to do.”

“And since when do you understand so much about my feelings?”

“I’ve been there too. Replace your arsehole boyfriend with my father and I know exactly what it is like to be afraid that you might end up walking back into the hell you fought so hard to leave.” Another hug. Dmitri’s arms were so tight around me he could have broken a few bones. “You of all people should know better than to suffer to make someone else happy.”

“I suck at it, don’t I?” Dmitri laughed. “I spent the last couple of months trying to reassure Gunni that he doesn’t have to force himself to do things he thinks I want… And then I have you point out that this is exactly what I’m doing! What is this world coming to?” He shook his head. “It only goes to show that I was right about staying away from romantic relationships. I can’t fight my instincts, even when I know how wrong they are. I’ll be lost forever if I ever fall in love again.”

“If that happens I’ll drag you back.”

“Thanks.” Dmitri smiled. It was not his usual irritating grin, but something that gave weird warm feelings in my gut. “I count on you to help me keep to my oath of never finding love.”

“I’ll use my powers of snark to drive away anyone who becomes a potential threat to that oath.” Saying this kind of thing with a straight face turned out to be a lot more difficult than it should.

“You know, Siggi, at times like this I’m really glad to have you as my best friend.”

There was no sarcasm. No joke. Dmitri smiled with shining eyes. He made it clear he meant it. My face mirrored his.

“Me too.”