The Orchestra - Sinfónia Lifsins - 69. 67 - Broken Heart

Gummi held the last chord of Brahms’s second symphony much longer than usual. I was almost running out of bow when he finally closed his left hand and the orchestra stopped as one.

“Thank you everyone for another great rehearsal!” he said. “Now go home and rest before tomorrow’s concert!”

I rushed to Dmitri’s side as soon as could, dashing through the tiny space between the second violins and violas in much the same way he had become (in)famous for doing. I tried to apologise to my colleagues, but they only laughed and opened the way for me. At least I didn’t step on anyone’s toes.

“Hi, Gunni!” Dmitri blew me kisses, but only because his music stand prevented him from being close enough for real ones. “What brings you to my humble seat? I thought I was the one who couldn’t wait to be by your side?”

“I guess I wanted to change things around a little?”

The other woodwind players made a point of showing they weren’t paying attention to us. Karen chatted to Vác and Emil with her back turned, and the other players struck conversations with their neighbours while they finished cleaning and putting away their instruments.

“Is it because you and Siggi played so well together today that you can’t wait to celebrate the new beginning of your relationship?”

“Not quite.”

Dmitri realised something was wrong the moment I turned away from him. My eyes filled with water when he mentioned Siggi, but I didn’t want to cry in front of the other players, even if they weren’t looking directly at me.

“Let’s go home, then, and you can tell me more about what it actually is.” He tapped Karen’s shoulder to get her attention and gave her a toothy grin when she turned. “Gunni and I really can’t keep the cuddles off each other any longer, so we’ll just go ahead and call a taxi home.”

“Sure. I’ll take Siggi to Arnar’s, so we wouldn’t have had space for you anyway.”

“Good. Enjoy your weekend of peace and quiet and, presumably, drunken slumber parties with Ugla and your other friends. Just don’t drink anything I wouldn’t, don’t touch my vodka, and I shall be glad to see you Monday!”

“I’ll see you tomorrow for the concert. Now go before Gunni loses patience with you!” Karen turned to me. “Have a good evening, Gunni. We’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Thanks. See you.”

I could only hope Karen didn’t feel bad for my short goodbye, but I didn’t trust myself with a longer sentence. Dmitri hurried to put his oboe away and we left the concert hall holding hands.

Dmitri took me straight to my bedroom when we got home. We saw Eiri and Jó in the living room, but they were busy cuddling and watching TV, so we didn’t bother them beyond the first greeting and brief reassurance the rehearsal had gone well. Dmitri closed the door behind us and made me sit on the bed next to him.

“Do you want to tell me what is wrong? Or should we just cuddle until you feel better?”

“Can we do both?”

“Of course! Come here.” Dmitri helped me lie on his lap, caressing my hair in the way he knew I found most comforting. “I’m going to go out on a limb and guess whatever it is has to do with Siggi. Did he do something to you after our apology?”

“Sort of, but not really.” The first tears fell. “He wasn’t trying to hurt me this time.”

“But he still did.”

“It’s not his fault!” I didn’t want Dmitri thinking Siggi had screwed up after he worked so hard to do better. “I was the one who thought his apology meant more than what it did. He wasn’t even rude, but it kind of made it hurt more than if he was.”

“Do you want to tell me what happened?”

As nice as Dmitri’s hand on my hair was, it wasn’t enough body contact to deal with the surge of pain and sadness that washed over me. I tackled Dmitri onto the bed for a full-body cuddle. He understood my need for his body warmth and let me bury my face on his chest.

“I had given up on Siggi. After all he did yesterday, there was no way I could keep hurting myself with false hopes that he would get better. I cried myself to sleep and I was scared of seeing him again at rehearsal, but I had made up my mind. But then he apologised, and he spent the whole rehearsal treating me better than he ever did, and everything I thought about him last night wasn’t true anymore. Siggi was being so nice… maybe I shouldn’t lose hope just yet…”

“You talked to him about it?”

“Siggi spelled it out to me that I would never be his friend, let alone anything more. Why did I ever believe he would? I should’ve known better, I should’ve expected this! But I was hopeful when Siggi listened to me during the rehearsal and didn’t insult me, and all it did was hurt me even more! It was easier when he was rude. I could tell myself that I would have a chance once he got better. I could blame his rejection on him being bent on hating me no matter what. But now… Now he doesn’t hate me anymore, and yet nothing really changed.”

“So now what hurts is that it wasn’t Siggi’s blind hatred for you that prevented the two of your becoming friends.”

“Am I overthinking this whole thing? Is it my fault that I hoped Siggi not hating me meant he liked me?”

Dmitri took a deep breath and hugged me even tighter, but he took some time to speak. “You’re asking the wrong person for advice, Gunni. I’m even worse than you. If I was in your situation, I would cling to the hope that his feelings would change and he would love me one day. All I can say is that, as much as it hurts now, you’re saving yourself a much worse heartache in the future.”

“Is this how you feel about me?”

Dmitri took another deep breath. “If I’m thinking only with my feelings, there’s nothing I want more than you loving me the same way I love you. But I’ve learned from my past mistakes. I’m never going to put that kind of pressure or expectation on you. I’ve been preparing for the day you’ll want a real relationship with someone you truly love, but while this day doesn’t come, I’m enjoying every moment we spend together and treasuring every memory I have of you.”

“I’m sorry I make you feel that way.”

“It’s nothing for you to feel sorry about. I’m here because I want to. It’s my choice. And, in a way, knowing that the good times are going to end one day helps me enjoy them more. I don’t want to take you for granted. I can’t allow myself to take you for granted, so I just take every moment as it comes, enjoy the present, and pretend the future doesn’t exist.”

“So I guess you don’t feel good when I talk about my feelings for Siggi.”

“Only because it usually means you’re upset.”

“Really? You don’t think about how I could be loving you instead of crying over Siggi?”

Dmitri made me face him. He was crying as much as I was. “I do. I dream about you loving me, of us growing old together, having a family, all the things I used to imagine doing with the other person I’ve felt this way for. But I also know that love isn’t necessarily a zero sum game. It’s not your love for Siggi that’s keeping you from loving me. You could love us both and I wouldn’t have a problem with that. But you don’t. You won’t love me that way. It hurts, but I made peace with it. I’ll just do my best to look after you, to make you happy. Being able to bring a smile to your face or to comfort you when you’re hurting is what makes me happy right now. So please, keep coming to me when you need that comfort, for whatever reason, and I’ll do my best to make you smile again.”

And so I cried even more, this time for my boyfriend and how unfair his life was. I felt his love with every hug, every tender kiss, and every smile he gave me. It had been suffocating at times, but it left me with no doubt about the intensity of his feelings. He loved me more than I loved Siggi, but no matter how much I tried, I couldn’t love him back that way.

“You know you deserve someone who loves you just as much, right?”

“Of course I do.” Dmitri wiped away my tears. “And maybe someday I’ll find that person. But I live in the present, not in the future, and all I want now is to be here for you when you need me.”

I let Dmitri hug me again. I shouldn’t feel guilty about taking all the comfort he had to offer. He said I was giving back just as much. I shouldn’t worry about it. All I had to do was relax into his body, fell the safety of his arms over my chest and his legs interlocked with mine. This was what he wanted. I was already making him as happy as I could.

We didn’t speak much after that. The cuddles were, in a way, all the communication we needed, and that helped me relax after a while. Dmitri’s breath became slow and steady over my head, but his firm grip on my chest told me he wasn’t asleep. His body was just slightly heavy, pushing me against the mattress so that his body became half on top of mine.

This position wasn’t new to me. Dmitri was taller and heavier, so he would often end up unintentionally squashing me into the mattress, and I usually didn’t notice unless I suddenly couldn’t breathe or my bladder felt prematurely pressured into acting. This time, though, something else happened.

I imagined Dmitri kissing my neck, biting it with the savage desire that used to intimidate me so much. He climbed on top of me and pulled my trousers down.

Instead of freezing and wanting to die of embarrassment at this idea, I felt the kind of pressure around my lower abdomen that meant my body liked it. My body liked it so much, in fact, that it kept sending me images of what Dmitri would do once my trousers had fallen by my ankles and he could touch me wherever he pleased.

‘Is something wrong, Gunni?’ Dmitri’s voice cut through my dangerous imagination.

I shook my head, fearing that the sounds made by my imaginary self would find their way out if I opened my mouth.

‘Then is there a particular reason you’re grinding so much against my crotch? It’s not that I don’t like it, but I would rather not risk things escalating in a way we don’t want them to.”

I had no idea I had been doing more than just imagining things. How much did Dmitri notice? His hands were nowhere near my lower body, so there was no way he could’ve known what was really happening to me.

“I’m… I’m fine. Just… just thinking about Siggi.”

“I see.” Dmitri didn’t sound too convinced. I shouldn’t have lied to him, but I couldn’t tell him the truth either.

What if he thought I wanted to do more than just cuddles? What if this sudden re-imagining of our intimacy was my body’s way of telling me it was ready for this new step? It wasn’t the first time that being around Dmitri caused my body to react in ways that pushed the boundaries of my asexual self-awareness.

“Speaking of Siggi…” Dmitri brushed a strand of hair away from my face. His body was no longer leaning on mine, so I was not pressed against the mattress anymore. The intrusive sexual images stopped, though I wasn’t as relieved by it as should’ve been. “I thought of a way of making sure I won’t ignore Siggi because of you again.”

“What is it?” The distraction would be good. I needed to forget those thoughts. I didn’t want things escalating, no matter how much my body seemed to believe I did.

“I’m reframing my relationship to Siggi as more than just friendship. He’s my best friend, the person who I trust the most and who I know understands the things I’ve gone through. What I feel for him isn’t romantic love like the feeling I have for you, but I think it’s a form of love too. Siggi, Karen and Gísli have become my new family since I left my blood relatives in Russia, so it’s about time I give them the love they deserve. Does it make as much sense to you as it does to me?”

“Maybe?”

“I guess not, then.” Dmitri chuckled. “Siggi was confused when I told him too. But it makes sense to me: I love you, I love Siggi, and so I have no reason to favour one of you over the other.”

I almost said it was interesting how we both sort of loved Siggi, but then I remembered I wasn’t supposed to love him anymore. “At least this way Siggi still gets some love…”

“I meant it when I said I’ll do everything I can to stop being an obsessive monster. I can’t revolve my life around you, no matter how much my instincts seem convinced that there’s no better way to show how much you matter to me. But I’m not lying to myself. I love Siggi. The fact that it isn’t romantic love is just a tiny detail.”

“I hope this works out.”

“I’ll make sure it will.”

Dmitri’s distraction worked so well I suspected he knew exactly what I had been thinking about and had set out to help. I forgot about my strange urge to make out with my boyfriend when my mind shifted to picturing this strange new relationship in which Dmitri was the link between me and Siggi. He loved both of us, but I shouldn’t dare to think that I loved them both, or that Siggi did too.

“Is that what being in a poly relationship is like, then?”

“Maybe. It would be more so if my feelings for Siggi were properly romantic, but the practicalities are the same. If only more people realised it’s possible to love more than one person at a time, life would be much easier for everyone. And we wouldn’t have all those ridiculous dramas with people struggling to choose their one true love. Polyamory: the killer of all romantic movie plots!”

I laughed, and that sent away the last of my unwelcomed body reactions. I twisted my body to peck Dmitri on the lips, and he squeezed my body in a mix of love and playfulness. I thought he was going to attack me with tickles, but he settled for spreading butterfly kisses all over my face instead.

At some point the innocent kisses led to Dmitri lying on top of me, sandwiching me against the mattress as his lips touched every millimetre of my face in the most sonorous kisses he could muster. I laughed still. My body wiggled from the vague ticklishness. I was having fun.

And then my imagination went to strange places again.

We were naked this time. Dmitri was on top of me once more, his body weight making sure I couldn’t get away. Our genitals rubbed against each other, but the feeling was nothing compared to the excitement of his teeth biting my lips, my neck, pulling on my earlobe. His hands explored my chest, their warmth giving me goosebumps. I held on to his back. Dug my nails on his skin. My mouth made surreal sounds I would be embarrassed to let anyone hear. I begged him for more just as his teeth dug into my neck.

“Do you want me to stop?”

‘No’, I wanted to say, but caught myself just in time. “Sorry.”

“You don’t have to apologise. We got ourselves in a pretty compromising position, after all.” Dmitri smiled, but instead of reassuring me it made part of the blood accumulated in my lower body rush to my face. “Do you want me to go away so you can take care of it?”

I wanted him to stay and help me take care of it. But how could I tell him that? I couldn’t let him know this wasn’t just an involuntary reaction to our bodies being really close together. He would freak out if I told him the details of my imagination, even more than I was freaking out.

“I’m going to the bathroom, ok? You do whatever you need to do, and I’ll take care of my own stuff.”

“Can you…” I grabbed Dmitri’s hand just as he started to get up from the bed. I hadn’t planned what to say once I had his attention, though. “Can you maybe… show me?”

“You want to see me naked with a hard on?” Dmitri raised an eyebrow. “Are you sure?”

My face became so hot I wondered how my body managed to keep things going down there. “Yes. I feel like I can… test my boundaries? I don’t want to be intimidated or afraid of you anymore. And this sounds like the right time for it.”

“If that’s what you want, we can try. But I don’t want you to do anything other than look. I mean, I don’t know if you want to, but that’s not something I’m ready for.”

“Ok. I understand. I’ll just look.”

Dmitri tried to smile, but his lips shook. How was it possible that he was more nervous about this than me? He unzipped his fly and took his trousers and underwear down to his mid-thigh in one swift, well-practiced motion.

It was bigger than I expected. My face went up in flames, and yet the tightness around my crotch only got worse. How could I want something that intimidated me so much? Dmitri’s cheek had a reddish hue too.

“Should I take it as a good sign if you haven’t run away screaming yet?” Dmitri tried to sound like he was making a joke, but his voice squeaked.

“I can’t believe I’m doing this.” I couldn’t take my eyes away. “But I’m not scared.”

“Good. That’s good.”

“Thank you for letting me see it. I think I… I needed it.”

“Glad to help.”

“It’s kind of intimidating, but I feel much safer than I thought I would.”

“Really?” Dmitri’s voice sounded an octave and a half higher. “That’s… that’s really good.”

“Are you ok?”

“I’m going to that bathroom now. You do what you need to do. And when I get back, we need to talk.”

Dmitri didn’t give a chance to answer before running out of the door.

 ~*~

When Dmitri came back, he sat on my desk chair instead of on the bed next to me. I waited for him to explain what he wanted to talk about, but he wouldn’t even look at me.

“You said we needed to talk?” I asked. He jumped in the chair, as if scared by the sudden noise, even though I had spoken just above a whisper.

“Yeah. Yeah. We do.”

I waited again, but he didn’t say anything else. “What do you want to talk about?”

Dmitri finally looked at me, as if he had just realised I was in the room. “We need to have a proper conversation about our boundaries. Sexual boundaries, I mean.” He waited for my answer, but I just nodded for him to continue. “I already told you before that I’m not ready to have sex with someone I love, and you know how relieved I was when you said you were ace and so sex was going to be pretty much out of the equation anyway, but… but I think we need to check our ideas of what ‘having sex’ means before one of us does something we’ll regret.”

“Did I do something you didn’t like?”

“Almost. Maybe. I’m not sure.” Dmitri turned away from me again. “It’s not your fault, though. Until now I thought my definition of ‘sex’ involved people touching and playing with my dick, and me playing and touching other people’s genitals. But when you were looking at me… It didn’t feel nice. Even though you were just looking, even though I knew there would be no touching of any kind. I don’t know why. It never happened before.”

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s ok, it wasn’t your fault. I didn’t think I would feel that way either. Took me by surprise.”

“No, I think it might have been my fault.”

Dmitri narrowed his eyes, but I didn’t let him interrupt me.

“I don’t know if it’s a thing that can happen, but maybe you picked up on my thoughts and that’s what made you uncomfortable?” I made an effort to keep looking at him, though Dmitri dropped his gaze and played with a hole on the cuff of his jumper. “I didn’t tell you before because I didn’t want to worry you, and because I wasn’t sure what to make of it. I still don’t know what to make of it. But when we were cuddling and kissing, I got those thoughts about the two of us…” I told him all the details of my imagination. I owed him as much, if I wanted to honour his trust in me. By the time I was done, his eyes were wide open, his eyebrows had disappeared under his fringe and his cheeks had a faint blush.

“So you’ve had all those vivid fantasies, and you’re still not sure what it means?”

“I don’t want to have sex with you. I think I still don’t, most of the time. But at that one time, when you stopped everything and said you were going away, I really wanted you to stay and do something with me. I never felt that way before. And now that I’m back to normal I’m kind of put off by the idea again.”

“There are some words fighting their way out of me, but I don’t want to say them. I know I shouldn’t say them, but it’s so hard…”

“We’re not doing it. I won’t let you. You already said that’s not something you’re comfortable with.”

Dmitri gave a weak smile. “You know what I want to say.”

“You were about to tell me you’ll do anything I want. But no. It can’t be that way. You’ve always been so careful to respect my boundaries and never hurt me, how can you expect me to not do the same? I’m not telling you about those things as a way to get you to do them. I’m telling you so that you can be sure I won’t overstep whatever boundaries you set.”

“Every time I think I can’t love you more you prove me wrong. That’s so messed up… But thanks for looking out for me. I’m sure otherwise I would be about to do a really bad thing.”

“We’re not going to have sex for the foreseeable future, no matter how much I think about it. And that includes looking at each other naked and, well…”

“Aroused.” Dmitri grinned. That made him look more like his normal self. “It’s kind of cute how we’re having this big, important conversation, and you still can’t say a lot of the sex-related stuff.”

I smiled too.

“But I agree with what you’re saying,” Dmitri continued. “I don’t mind looking at each other naked when we’re just cuddling and sleeping and no erections are involved. That said, even if I eventually get to a point when I’m ready to get more intimate with you, I’m still very aware that you’re seventeen and I’m twenty-four. Whatever our relationship dynamics is, it doesn’t feel right for me to fuck someone so much younger than me. So how about we say we won’t do any sexual stuff whatsoever until you’re at least twenty? Hopefully by then I’ll be over my issues with sex and love, and if by some miracle we’re still together by then…”

“Sounds good to me.”

Dmitri grinned and put his hand forward for a handshake. “Deal?”

I took his hand, but instead of shaking it, I pulled him towards me and gave him a peck on the lips.

“Deal.”

Thanks for reading!
It's still Saturday (for the next 50 min), so the chapter is not late, but it is later than usual because Siggi has been possessing me since yesterday with his timely sicknesses. It would be a great mindset to write the next chapter, but unluckily for me, Chapter 68 will be a guess chapter.
Who will be writing the next chapter? What will it be about? 
My patrons will find out next Saturday. The rest of you will have to wait until November...
Hopefully by then my body will be free from Siggi's influence... 
(Though he could possess me next time I'm playing cello )