The Orchestra - Sinfónia Lifsins - 11. Two Sides

Thanks to Lisa for the editing!
We're back to Gunni and his relationship problems. Jó once more shows why he's so awesome!
 

When I woke up the morning after my first concert I was at first confused because I found myself in a room that was not the one I had in Akureyri. I had been dreaming about playing violin with Little Isaac in my house in Akureyri. Our parents joined us at the piano and we were having a great time. So once my eyes opened, it took me awhile to realise I was in my new room in my cousin’s house. I slowly turned to look at the clock on my bedside table and the sleepy part of my brain was jolted awake by the realisation that it was already past eleven in the morning. I had never overslept that late. Worried that I wouldn’t be on time for rehearsal, I tried to run across the room to get everything I needed for breakfast, though because of my drowsiness I ended up tripping over things and making much more noise than necessary. Hopefully Jó wouldn’t be angry with me.

“Gunni, your mum is on the phone and she wants to talk to you,” my cousin said as soon as I entered the kitchen. I moved as fast as my sleepy body would allow me, glad to finally be able to talk to mum. I wondered if she knew I would need her so much today; if her motherly instincts were that sharp.

“Thanks, Jó,” I told my cousin before moving to the living room. I was so happy to finally talk to mum that I almost tripped over the low table near the door. “Hi, mum! How are you?” I beamed, sitting on the sofa and turning to face the open window, where the first few sunrays were just making an appearance. “I miss you; there are so many things I want to talk to you about…”

“I know, Gunni, I know. I was listening to your concert yesterday. It was absolutely beautiful,” she said. It was so good to hear her voice again. “Everyone at the hospital asked me to send you their congratulations. You’ve got a fan club already.”

“Please, mum, don’t say those things,” I said, feeling my face heat up in embarrassment. “You know it only makes me more nervous.”

“You need to learn to live with your fame, Gunni,” mum told me, probably smiling over the line. “But tell me everything! I want to know every detail of your big day!”

I happily told mum all about the dress rehearsal, the Isaacs, and the post-concert party. As I was talking about those things though, another set of memories came to mind. The memories invaded my thoughts so intensely I had no other choice but to talk about them as soon as possible.

“And there was another thing…” I began, biting my lip while I tried to come up with a way of continuing the story. “I’m not sure how I feel about it… not sure if it’s a good thing or a bad thing…”

“What is it?” she asked, becoming more concerned.

“A guy kissed me yesterday. He’s our principal oboe and he was very nice about it and he asked if I wanted to kiss him and I wasn’t sure but he was nice and we hugged and then I thought I should try…” I blurted it all out, not stopping even for breathing. Thinking about the part of the story that was about to come made me even more nervous. I had to tell her everything as soon as possible, before my mouth changed its mind and didn’t let me speak anymore.

“Oh, this is great, Gunni! It’s sooner than I expected, but I’m glad you are…” mum said, sounding confused, but happy at the same time. She probably wasn’t sure what the problem was with what I was telling her.

“No, that’s not the problem, I think,” I tried to explain, though I was probably just as confused as she was. “I liked it. The kiss was nice and everything, but…” I bit my lip again. I had no idea how I would go on about the next part. “The problem is…” I tried to find the right words, but they all seemed to escape my mind as soon as I had thought of them. It took me a while to finally be able to carry on, while mum waited patiently in silence. “There is this other guy, Siggi, who is never nice to me. He thinks I’m too young to play at the ISO and he doesn’t like me at all.” I took a deep breath. “But I think I have a crush on him. After Dmitri and I kissed, I started thinking about what it would be like for Siggi and I to do the same thing.”

“Oh, Gunni!” my mum half shouted, half sighed. It was difficult to say if what I told her made her happy or sad. “I’m not sure what I can say to you,” she began, still in that enigmatic tone, though she seemed slightly more troubled; or maybe it was my own anxiety that was making me think she sounded that way. “I’ve had my crushes in the past, but I think telling you now that everything will work out in the end, and that those feelings are normal, isn’t going to be of much help, will it?”

“No, not really.” I sighed. Mum knew me really well. I wished she could be with me now. “But thanks, anyway.”

“Why don’t you try to talk to Jó about it?” she suggested, suddenly a lot more cheerful. “He should be able to help you figure out your feelings.”

“You think so?” I asked, surprised by the suggestion. I didn’t know Jó that well yet; I wasn’t sure if I would feel comfortable taking about those things with him, particularly after the way he and Eiri reacted the first time I told them about Siggi.

“Yes, trust me on this one. Jó is the right person to talk to, and it will also be a good opportunity for the two of you to get closer.” Mum was definitely happier now.

“Ok…” I agreed, though I still had my reservations. I wanted to ask how she was so sure Jó would be able to help me, but in the end I decided not to. It was probably the same reason that made her so sure my cousins would be willing to let me live with them, and I trusted that she had a good reason not to tell me about it the first time around. “But…”

“What is it?” Mum probably sensed my hesitation.

“I don’t really know how to ask him about it,” I confessed. “I told him about Siggi already and he didn’t seem very happy.”

“Do you want me to do it, then?” mum suggested. “I can say you want to talk to him about something and explain the situation, so that you don’t need to start the conversation.”

“I guess it could work…”

“Perfect! I will talk to him later, then.” Mum seemed very excited about the prospect of talking about the disastrous beginning of my love life to other people. Even though it really embarrassed me, I didn’t want to tell her not to do it. She would be happier that way, and I wouldn’t have to go through the very awkward task of calling my cousin for a chat. “Now, is there anything else you want to talk about?”

Mum and I talked until the phone batteries died. Jó and I had breakfast and then I rushed to rehearsal. I was a bit anxious about seeing Dmitri and Siggi again, but there was nothing I could do about it.

(...)

“Hey, Gunni, how are you? Did you sleep well last night?” Dmitri asked me as soon as I set foot in the rehearsal room. He stood at a reasonable distance from me and followed me to my seat.

“Yes, I think so.” I replied, thinking of my dream about my family to remind myself I wasn’t exactly lying. “Yesterday was good.”

“Yeah, it was.” He grinned suggestively, getting a little bit closer to me. “Haven’t seen such an enthusiastic audience since Siggi’s first concert. He was kind of like you back then; a seventeen year-old musical prodigy. Ah, how time flies…”

“I… I didn’t know that.” Siggi had joined the ISO almost as young as I was. It didn’t make sense to me. If he had been in my place before, how could he say such things about me now?

“Well, his debut was a lot more low profile. He’s only the principal cello after all…” Dmitri explained, rolling his eyes. “And he doesn’t like journalists either. The few who tried to get to him received a sample of his best jerkass behaviour and didn’t come back.” As he said those things, Dmitri smiled and looked very pleased with himself, like he was reliving some very good memories.

“Oh, I see…” Part of me wanted to say something about Siggi’s unfair attitude, but I didn’t feel comfortable bringing it up to someone I knew was close friends with him. Dmitri had been very nice to me so far; I didn’t want to upset him.

“And yes, we all know he’s being a bitch about you. ‘Hypocrite’ I think is the word, right?” Dmitri asked, winking at me. I felt my cheeks burn when I realised he knew what I had been thinking about. It was kind of embarrassing and maybe disturbing that someone I knew for such a short time could already read me so easily.

“Yes, yes… that’s it…” I had to look away from him; my face was so hot I feared that at any moment vapour would come out of my ears. I heard Dmitri giggle and felt his hand touching my cheek.

“Aww, you are so cute!” he beamed, caressing my face in a way that probably wasn’t very innocent. “If you ever want to talk about things and people, I’m here for you.” Dmitri’s other hand found my cheeks too, and he made me turn back to him. My whole body felt so hot I was surprised he could still hold me without burning his hands.

“Er… thanks…” I managed to say.

“No problem.” Dmitri came forward, putting his face so close to mine I could feel his breath. “What I said yesterday still applies. Stop me if you want, but I kind of want to kiss you again.”

“Ah…” I wanted to look around to see who was there. Dmitri and I were in the middle of the stage now, not hidden in a backroom; everyone would see if we kissed. I wasn’t sure if I wanted it to happen or not.

“Ok, fine. A friendly kiss then.” Dmitri kissed my forehead briefly before retreating back to a ‘safer’ distance. He was still smiling broadly, like he was not upset by my hesitation. “You really are cute, you know that?” His smile broadened even more. “Sorry if I’m scaring you. I promise I don’t bite if you don’t want me to.”

I didn’t know what to say to that. Dmitri probably didn’t scare me as such, but whatever it was that I was feeling when he was around wasn’t something I was used to dealing with. It was probably my luck that the assistant principal oboe came up to us then. He smiled and greeted me warmly, but as soon as he saw Dmitri, his enthusiasm deflated considerably. He did ask Dmitri about the details on their music sheets, but I could tell he wasn’t happy about it. The oboists returned to their seats and the rehearsal started soon afterwards.

For the rest of the day I didn’t have time to talk to Dmitri again. Everyone seemed interested in hearing my impression of our first concert, so I spent the whole break talking to them. When the rehearsal was over Dmitri gave me a goodbye hug, but didn’t try to kiss me again.

(...)

The next morning after breakfast, Jó called me into the living room so we could have our ‘chat’. He made sure I was comfortably sprawled on the sofa with my head on his lap before speaking.

“So, Gunni…” he began, caressing my hair. He was making a funny mock-polite face that made me giggle a little. “Your illustrious mother tells me that you have been having some trouble sorting out your irrational feelings over an undeserving bastard. Is that right?”

“Ah…” I wouldn’t say it that way, though I suppose it was technically true. “Yes… though I’m not sure if Siggi…”

“From what I’ve heard, Siggi has been nothing more than a jerk to you from the moment you met. If he’s the kind of person that acts on his prejudices before being bothered to know the real you, then he doesn’t deserve to really know how truly amazing you are, Gunni. Trust me on this one.”

“But…” I tried to counter, though I wasn’t sure how I would carry on. I had no arguments to defend Siggi with; the one new piece of information I had was actually something that would make Jó’s point a lot stronger.

“Tell me more about this Dmitri guy. What is he like?” Jó asked, changing the subject before I had had time to think about new arguments.

“He seems nice. He said I was cute and kissed me and when I kind of freaked out he stopped and we hugged and he asked if we could kiss properly and I said yes and it was nice…” I said, telling as much as I could before my entire face went red and my vocal chords give up functioning. Jó was smiling, seemingly happy about this part of the story.

“Good. As far as I can see he’s been respectful. If he ever crosses the line…” Jó furrowed his brow, looking like a dangerous mamma bear ready to strike.

“He told me I should say ‘no’ when I don’t want something,” I said, before he became angry with Dmitri too. “Yesterday when he tried to kiss me he didn’t do it because I was blushing and hiding and…” I blushed again with the memories. It was embarrassing enough to remember that he almost kissed me in front of all our colleagues, but it was even more embarrassing to remember it in front of Jó.

“Good. He seems to have a sense of boundaries, then.” Jó nodded approvingly and I felt relieved. “Did you like the kiss?”

“Yes… I… I did…” I half-whispered. I didn’t know Jó well enough to feel completely comfortable talking about deep, personal things, even if he did everything he could to make me more relaxed.

“So you liked it so much you want to do it again, but you want to do it with your undeserving crush?” Jó asked. My face was completely burning by this point, so I just nodded. “And this is troubling you because you don’t want to think about your crush, or because you don’t want to think about the kissing at all?”

“I don’t know,” I answered, letting Jó’s soothing hand on my hair calm me down enough to speak again. “I suppose I don’t mind the kiss that much, but I feel bad for thinking about someone other than Dmitri when I remember it. I feel like I’m cheating on him or something.”

Jó let out a short laugh before he spoke. He seemed amused by my answer. “I see. You really are a very nice person, Gunni.” Jó shook his head, like he was trying to come to terms with my explanation. “You worry about cheating with the first kiss… most people I know wouldn’t worry too much about it, even after marriage!” He laughed again, patting me on the shoulder, though he regained his composure soon afterwards when he realised I was confused by his reaction and a little worried about his last words. “Have you and Dmitri established any kind of formal relationship yet?”

“I don’t think so, he didn’t say anything about it…”

“Then you don’t really have to worry. One kiss won’t make you interlocked forever, you know?” Jó smiled.

“I know that,” I protested, feeling a bit silly because of the way he spoke. “I know it shouldn’t matter but… but I still feel like it’s not fair to him. Dmitri is being so nice to me; always making sure I’m ok with everything, it doesn’t feel right to ignore all that and think about Siggi.”

“Well, to begin with, what he’s doing is the sort of thing you should expect from everyone, not someone being ‘especially nice’,” Jó said. He was still smiling and his posture was still relaxed, but he spoke like some strange mixture of parent and teacher who’s about to give his child the most important lesson of all. “And second, there’s nothing wrong with having these kinds of feeling. You are a person who doesn’t want to upset anyone, so I guess it’s understandable that you would feel this way towards Dmitri. It’s part of who you are.”

“So what should I do?” I asked, feeling oddly comforted by Jó’s new tone. “I don’t like feeling like I’m cheating on Dmitri, but I can’t really rationalise it away.”

“Well, you could always talk to him about it. You know, be clear about what’s going on in your head,” Jó suggested. “He sounds like the type of guy who would be glad to help you sort things out.”

“I don’t think I can do that. Maybe it’ll be better if I just wait and see what happens,” I said, looking away from Jó’s caring smile. Just the idea of approaching Dmitri was enough to awaken the butterflies in my stomach; there was no way I would be able to actually talk about it.

“Are you sure?” Jó asked, sounding concerned.

“No, not really,” I confessed. “But right now I can’t really say anything to him. Either way, I don’t think I’m ready yet.”

“I see. And I think I understand.” Jó smiled again, taking both his hands to my hair for the best relaxing scalp massage I had ever experienced. “When I was your age, I had just come out to my family, and I was recovering from my three-year bout with depression over my mother’s death. I wanted to experience life to the fullest, and because of that I ended up doing many stupid things.” He sighed, but his hands never stopped working. “One of my first boyfriends was a bit like you. We broke up not because I had cheated right in front of him with half the boys in the gay bar, but because he felt guilty that he had forced me to cheat because he kept refusing sex.”

“Wow, that’s…” I didn’t really know how to finish the sentence. Jó didn’t seem like the kind of person who cheats on someone like that. I was finding it hard to believe.

“I know. I was an immature brat back then, but I got better, I swear.” Jó winked, making me feel a little closer to safe and familiar territory. “My point is: you are the kind of person who would not think twice before blaming yourself for something that is not necessarily your fault. Whatever you do with Dmitri or Siggi, just remember that you are not doing anything wrong and there’s no need to beat yourself up over it. Are we clear?”

“Ah… yes…” I nodded, still too impressed with Jó’s story to make proper sense of his other words.

“Good. And you know that if anything happens, you can talk to your mum or me, right?”

“Yes.” Jó continued his massage even after we both fell silent. It was so good I probably dozed off for a bit. After a while, though, when I had had some time to think over his story, I decided to ask him a question, hoping he wouldn’t think I was being too nosy. “Jó, does Eiri know about all this?”

“About my past as a serial cheater?” my cousin asked back, seemingly amused by the change in topic. When I nodded, he carried on with a big smile across his face. “Of course he does. That’s how we met; my then-boyfriend was being a stupid bitch so I was looking for someone to make me forget about him for a night. We accidentally ended up talking for hours after what was supposed to be a one-night stand, and I realised Eiri was the man of my dreams.”

“That’s…” I tried to say, but Jó didn’t let me finish. He seemed really happy and maybe kind of proud.

“Yes, I know. Love is a strange thing, you can’t really control it. As cliché as that sounds.” Jó winked, and for the first time since this conversation started, I smiled too.

“No, you can’t.”

Thanks for reading! The next chapter will be up in two weeks and will bring a noticeable change of tone to the story.
Constructive criticism is appreciated.