The Orchestra - Sinfónia Lifsins - 49. An Unexpected Turn of Events

Coming out to Dmitri, Eiri, and Jó lifted a huge weight off my shoulders. I didn’t realise how much the anxiety and fear were holding me back until they were no longer there. I felt silly for having worried so much, and I decided to make up for it by coming out to more people. It became an easier thing to do now that I knew my cousins and my boyfriend would support me no matter what. I wasn’t going to shout about asexuality in the streets, but I thought my mum and close friends deserved to know. I called Mum on Skype the next day and told her everything while Dmitri was still with me. She was glad that I was exploring my identity and finding new things about myself, and that I had such a great boyfriend who did not think different sex drives were deal-breakers. We didn’t say anything about Dmitri not wanting to have sex with me anyway because of his past, but the way he talked to Mum about it made me feel that he would’ve accepted my sexuality even if that past relationship of his hadn’t happened.

I spoke to Fríða later that day, and her reaction surprised me. “So all this time we thought you didn’t want to make out with me because I’m a girl, but you would’ve rejected my desperate advances even if I was boy! Ah, well, I sure feel less guilty about nagging you so much to get things going!”

“What? You felt guilty about that?” I nearly shouted. Did Fríða really feel bad because she was always finding excuses to be alone with me to try to make out? But this was something teenage couples were expected to do, wasn’t it? She didn’t have to feel guilty about something like that. “You just wanted your boyfriend to be like other boyfriends. You liked me so much, and then when I agreed to date you I never felt like giving you even a kiss on the lips. That must have been frustrating. I’m sorry about that.”

“It’s fine, Gunni, I was just joking!” Fríða laughed.

“Ok. You sure?” She hadn’t sounded like it was a joke, but maybe I was reading too much into it.

“Yeah, of course I am!” She laughed more. “It’s just nice to know that me being a girl wasn’t the only thing that got in the way of our relationship not working out.”

“Well, I’m still only romantically attracted to guys, so either way it would—”

“Speaking of only being attracted to guys, I have a new crush now!” Fríða interrupted me before I could say that my sexuality wouldn’t have made much of a difference for our relationship. She sounded really excited, though, so I didn’t try to finish what I was saying. “You’ll never guess who it is!”

She was right. I would never have seen it coming. It turned out my oldest childhood friend was now dating Ingibjörg, a cellist from our group of school friends. That meant that, like me, Fríða was exploring her sexuality in ways she never considered possible. Her new crush on a girl made her realise she wasn’t really straight. Fríða began to identify as ‘bisexual and proud’ and told me that she and her girlfriend would be coming to the next Reykjavík Pride march, and that Dmitri and I should go with them. Fríða and Ingibjörg were happy together, and it was kind of relieving to know that my ex-girlfriend had definitely moved on from me. Even though our disastrous attempt at being a couple hadn’t ended our friendship, I used to feel guilty that I didn’t like her the same way she liked me, like it was my fault that things didn’t work out. I knew that there was no reason for me to feel that way, but I couldn’t help it. I had a sense of duty to love those who loved me, to correspond to their feelings with the same intensity because I owed it to them for considering me worthy of their love.

And while we were talking about her and Ingibjörg, she pointed out that it was an interesting coincidence that we were both violinists with crushes on cellists. It made me wish that one day my relationship with Siggi would be as successful as Fríða and Ingibjörg’s.

(...)

The rest of February passed in a blur. In between rehearsals, concerts, and cuddles with Dmitri, I didn’t feel the time passing at all. But as the month came to an end, Dmitri’s birthday drew nearer, and so did his party. As his boyfriend, I was asked to make sure everybody in the orchestra signed his birthday card, which Gummi would then give to him at rehearsal that day. I managed to collect everyone’s birthday messages during the week leading to the 1^st of March (even Arnar’s, because he came to watch almost all of our rehearsals since his conducting debut), but it was hard to do things without Dmitri noticing. Our colleagues insisted that I be given the biggest spot in the middle of the card, but I decided to take only half of that space, and give Siggi the other half. When I asked Siggi to sign the card, he seemed to smile for a second, but he quickly changed it to a scowl when he realised I was looking at him. He wrote a message to his best friend full of sexual innuendo that made me blush just from glancing at it.

Before I gave the card to Gummi, I tried to read some other messages to see what our colleagues had to say about Dmitri. Many of them mentioned the waves of personal attacks against him in the newspapers, complimenting him on his resilience and determination, and saying that Dmitri could count on them for anything. It felt good to read those words repeated so many times; I couldn’t get bored of seeing how much everyone was there for him. I had heard many times that the ISO was like a family for its members, and moments like this were strong reminders of that.

But then, there were other kinds of messages that didn’t make me feel as good. For all the heartwarming comments, there were at least twice as many sex jokes, penis drawings, and weird innuendos spread all over the card. I felt embarrassed reading them, like I was spying on something too private. And I couldn’t simply avoid them, because they were woven seamlessly together with the comments that I did want to read. Even after I handed over the card, the sexual messages reminded me of the kind of birthday party that Dmitri was planning to have before our day together. I didn’t want it to, but the thought that my boyfriend would be having sex with so many people right before meeting me for a ‘romantic’ day spoiled the good feelings that lingered from my coming out.

It wasn’t that I wanted to forbid Dmitri to have his party. That wouldn’t be right. He should be able to do what he wanted on his special day. But the more I thought about what he was going to do at that party (I didn’t want to think about it at all, but the images kept coming at me every time someone spoke about it at work), the more I felt anxious and scared. I didn’t know what I was scared of (I wasn’t even going to be there; there was no way anything could happen to me), but by our concert on 28^th of February I felt my heart beat faster every time I looked at Dmitri or at any of the people who I knew would be at the party. At least during the concert I had the music to distract my thoughts, but when it was time to say goodbye, I didn’t feel like getting too close to my boyfriend.

“I’ll see you tomorrow,” I said, standing a few paces away from him with my hands clasped behind my back. Dmitri raised an eyebrow, but didn’t try to get closer. If he thought anything about me keeping my distance, he didn’t share those thoughts with me.

“Yeah, I’ll see you tomorrow. Have a good night, and the next time we see each other I’ll be twenty-four, and we’ll be back to the seven-year age gap that the newspapers loved to remind us of!” He smiled and blew me kisses. He didn’t seem upset by my unspoken decision to stay away, and he left with his housemates without touching me. I missed the comfort of his hug, but at the same time, I feared that his embrace would become more suffocating than soothing.

It took me ages to fall asleep that night, trying to figure out why I was so scared of Dmitri’s birthday party. But all I managed was to realise it wasn’t just fear that I felt, but also repulse and disgust. This made even less sense to me, and the whole situation made me so desperate that I ended up crying myself to sleep.

(...)

I woke up the next morning feeling not exactly rested, but a little more capable of dealing with my conflicting feelings. The crying seemed to help me calm down, at least. Dmitri’s birthday had finally arrived, and he would expect me to want to be around him at rehearsal. I wanted to be around him too, despite everything. I missed his cuddles more than I dreaded them, and I thought this could only be a good sign. I went to rehearsal prepared to spend all my free time around Dmitri, shooing away the intruding negative feelings as much as possible.

My plan went well at first. I hugged Dmitri when I saw him and leaned in to kiss him. But he only gave me a soft peck on the lips. Maybe he remembered my awkward distancing from the previous night and didn’t want to make me feel bad? Did it mean he knew I wasn’t so comfortable around him anymore? What did he think about it? What would he do about it?

After our kiss, other people wanted to greet Dmitri too. Davíð, the Principal Trumpet, was among the first to come to him. Dmitri was still standing next to my seat when Davíð reached him. They hugged warmly, and Dmitri glanced at me before giving Davíð a much more passionate kiss than the one we shared. I looked away, feeling my cheeks burn, but I felt that Dmitri’s eyes were still on me. I heard when he let go of Davíð and crouched next to me.

“Do you mind if I kiss some of our colleagues? If it makes you uncomfortable, I—”

I turned to face him when I realised he was speaking to me. He looked worried. “No, go ahead. It’s your birthday; you should do whatever you want. I’m just a bit… embarrassed, I guess… with watching everything.”

“I see! Well, if that’s the case, then I’ll just make sure I’m not around you when I greet people…” Dmitri smiled, but he didn’t seem completely at ease. Maybe I was reading too much into his expression because of my own feelings, but I let Dmitri kiss my forehead before he went to greet other people. I tried not to look at what he was doing, but it was hard not to notice that all the guys in the ISO who were younger than forty were more or less queueing up to wish him a happy birthday and get a passionate French kiss in return. Even straight guys like Emil went along. And if that wasn’t bad enough, Gummi called the start of the rehearsal by joking about Dmitri opening a kissing booth at work. Everyone was amused, and I laughed with them, but I felt all my anxieties returning.

I let Dmitri hug me when we were saying goodbye after the rehearsal. I was planning on kissing him, going home, and spending the rest of the day trying to make sense of my feelings before our special celebration, but Dmitri had other ideas. “If you really would rather I don’t have the party, I will call it off now,” he whispered in my ear. “Or if you want to do something different tomorrow…”

“No.” This would be my chance to sort everything out once and for all, to get rid of my anxiety and my fear. Dmitri had noticed my discomfort, and he was putting my feelings above his need to celebrate. It was just like he had warned me when he talked about his last relationship: we were both trying to make the other feel good by sacrificing our own happiness. But even if I knew that this was what I was doing, I still felt that it would be unfair to ask Dmitri to cancel his plans. This was his special day; I couldn’t take it away from him. It was me who had to work on my feelings and stop being so scared of something that wasn’t threatening me in any way.

I couldn’t do that to him.

“Are you sure? This is your last chance.”

It kind of hurt how much Dmitri understood my feelings, even if he didn’t say so. I knew he was worried about me; I felt it in the way he hugged me, just barely touching my body and resting his chin on my shoulder. It hurt that I was feeling so anxious, scared, and disgusted by someone who did everything to make me happy and safe. Why couldn’t I just be glad that I had the best boyfriend in the world and enjoy our relationship?

“Yes, I’m sure. Have a good time today, and I’ll see you tomorrow.”

It hurt to say those words, and it hurt to see him turning his back to me and leaving with Siggi, Gísli, and Karen. But I had made my decision, and I would have to find a way to cope with it.

(...)

I had a nightmare that night. I went to bed trying not to imagine what Dmitri would be doing at that exact moment, but the porn-style scenes made up by my mind wouldn’t leave me alone. I tossed and turned, feeling suffocated under the covers, and when I finally fell asleep I turned up in Dmitri’s room. I found my boyfriend standing in front of me wearing nothing but a dog collar. He grinned and touched himself in front of me. I tried not to look between his legs, but it was impossible not to. It was like there was some invisible leash pulling my eyes to him, forcing me to watch the thing in his hand double in size with his strokes. His eyes became feral, lustful, and his gaze was so intense that it burned my clothes one by one, until I was naked too.

I tried to cover myself with my hands, but Dmitri would have none of that. He grabbed my wrists and pulled me forward with so much force that I crashed against his chest. He hugged me tightly, making his arms into a prison rather than a place of comfort. I felt his thing pressing into my belly. It was too big not to be dangerous.

Dmitri was still holding me when other naked men entered the room. Even though the lights were on, I couldn’t see their faces. They were just big, muscular bodies covered in hair and lubricant. The only thing clearly distinguishable about them was their genitals; they were all as big as Dmitri’s.

“Our special guest is here,” Dmitri announced, forcing me to turn to the men. I felt something poking my ass from behind and wanted to scream, but no sound came out. “Let’s make good use of him.”

The faceless men formed a semi-circle around Dmitri and me. There were dozens of them, and they all had their eyes on me. I could feel their lust, their wild and uncontrollable desire, even if they had no facial features. I felt like prey about to be eaten. It was obvious that they would have no restraint in what they were about to do to me. I felt Dmitri’s body leaning against my back, and his head coming to rest on my shoulder. When he spoke, his voice came out like a sharp blade cutting me into a thousand pieces.

“Let’s get started.”

I woke up.

(...)

My duvet had fallen on the floor, but I was covered in sweat. It took me a while to calm down and make sure that I was back in my room, alone, and definitely not naked in front of strangers. I took even longer to get rid of the sense of hurt and betrayal, to remember that the real Dmitri would never do something like that. My boyfriend was the nicest person I knew. He never forced me to do anything I didn’t want to. He didn’t want to have sex with me. There was no way this nightmare would ever become real.

But even as I told myself those things, the real Dmitri was probably naked in his bedroom, surrounded by naked men, being wild and noisy and doing scary things.

I didn’t dare to fall asleep again. I was sure I would never be able to look at Dmitri again if this nightmare continued its natural course. It would be ridiculous of me to do so, and unfair to him, but I had never felt this terrified before. Dmitri’s sexuality scared me, even though rationally there was no reason for that. He never did anything sexual to me. He confided in me that he would never be able to do anything sexual with me while we were together. So his sexuality would never be a threat. And sexualities in general shouldn’t be threatening. This wasn’t a healthy way of looking at things. Just being asexual shouldn’t make me this scared of sex. Why did I have to feel that way?

The hours passed slowly. It was four in the morning when I woke up, and eight when I heard Eiri and Jó getting ready for breakfast. I spent all this time feeling like I was the worst boyfriend ever, that Dmitri didn’t deserve someone like me. I was angry at myself for being so ridiculous. I cried in frustration because nothing I did could change those feelings. And I dreaded the moment Dmitri would come through my door, expecting cuddles and comfort, but finding me unable to give any of it. How could things have changed so suddenly? What triggered all this? I had known about Dmitri’s plans for his party for a month, and even though I was slightly uncomfortable with it, it was only in the last few days that this discomfort became repulsion. Maybe it was the increased reminders from work, or the realisation that this party was happening for real, that it was not just Dmitri’s fantasy.

I still had no answers when I joined my cousins for breakfast. They were already eating, and they greeted me enthusiastically. “Good morning, Gunni! Is everything ready for your special day?” Jó asked. He didn’t wait for my answer before talking about his own plans. “We’re going to leave as soon as we’re finished with breakfast. I planned a special day for us too, so that you and Dmitri can have the house to yourselves and not have two old people intruding in your romantic life.”

“Oh… thanks.” I knew Jó had the best intentions with his plan. He had no way of knowing that I was mortified by the idea of being alone with Dmitri, not only because of his sexual energy, but because I knew he was going to be hurt when he realised I was scared of him. If Jó and Eiri weren’t there when it happened, there would be nobody to turn to for help and advice.

“I hope you have a great time. Do you know what his plans for the day are?” Jó asked. He was distracted with watching Eiri eating his food, so he hadn’t noticed my discomfort yet.

“No, not really.” I sat in front of Jó. “He mentioned a reservation at a posh restaurant in the evening and maybe a movie, but I think he wants to keep it as a surprise.”

Jó finally turned to look at me properly. Maybe something in my tone of voice tipped him off, but he suddenly became very concerned. “Is something wrong? Are you feeling ok?”

“I…” I bit my lip. I should take this chance to talk to Jó, to have one last shot at sorting my problems before Dmitri came over. It would be the most sensible thing to do. As ridiculous as those feelings were, I really didn’t want to spoil Dmitri’s day. For his sake, I had to do something. “How can I stop being scared of something that is never going to happen?”

“What do you mean?” Jó asked. Eiri put his food aside to look at me too.

I told them everything. I kept picturing Dmitri in my mind, thinking of how much I didn’t want to mess up his birthday, and so every word I spoke was like a stab to my heart. It hurt to confess having such horrible feelings, and I was crying again by the time I was finished. At some point, Jó gave up his seat to sit next to me and hold me against his chest. When I was done talking, he let me cry on him until I calmed down enough to listen to what he had to say.

“There is no easy way around this, I think.” He kissed the top of my head. “If those feelings are so strong, then you’ll have to talk to Dmitri about them. I don’t know if anything I say can help you feel better. I’m sorry.”

“I don’t want to hurt him!” I felt like crying again.

“I know. But healthy relationships are built on trust and communication. You have to tell him how you feel, and the two of you together will have to find a way to deal with it. This is not something I can do for you.” Jó hugged me tightly. I missed the comfort of Dmitri’s hugs.

“But what could we do? How can I stop those feelings?”

“I know as much as you, Gunni. My best idea is that by talking to Dmitri and being with him again after his party, you can see for yourself that there is no danger, and hopefully the message will reach whatever it is that is controlling your feelings.”

“Ok.” I wasn’t sure if this would work, but one plan was better than none. And Jó was right about me having to communicate my feelings to Dmitri. This was what he would want me to do, even if they hurt him and showed how much of a bad boyfriend I was being.

(...)

When Dmitri arrived, we were still at the breakfast table. Jó didn’t want me to have important relationship conversations on an empty stomach, but I didn’t feel like eating because of my anxiety. I kept wondering how I would react to seeing Dmitri again after his party, and so I ended up taking more than half an hour to eat a slice of toast and a handful of strawberries.

Dmitri noticed something was wrong as soon as he entered the kitchen. “How are you doing, Gunni? Is everything ok?”

I didn’t know exactly how to answer him, so Jó stepped up. “Gunni wants to talk to you about some things. Eiri and I are going to head out soon, so you have more privacy.” Jó hugged me and left the table with Eiri. Dmitri kept his eyes on me the whole time and didn’t try to flirt with my cousin as he passed by him in the doorway. My boyfriend only approached me when we heard my cousins going up the stairs. He sat in front of me at the table, and didn’t try to touch me. He looked at his own hands when he spoke.

“You wanted me to call off the party, didn’t you?” Dmitri sounded sad, and maybe disappointed. “It’s ok. I wish I had called it off too.”

“What do you mean?”

Dmitri finally looked at me. He seemed about to cry, and that made me feel like crying too. “We can talk about that later. I’m assuming you want to talk because you’re uncomfortable with what I did last night. Is that right?” I nodded, and had to use all my willpower to keep looking at him. Dmitri gave me a shy smile of encouragement. “Then, before you say anything, I just want to let you know that I noticed you’ve been acting strange since Thursday, and that’s what tipped me off. You told me to go ahead with it when I asked you, and I decided to trust that you knew your own comfort level better than I would ever know it, and I respected your decision. But it is ok if now you think that you made the wrong decision. We all make mistakes, and if you regret it now, you shouldn’t blame yourself for it.”

“Thank you.” I wanted to reach out and comfort him. Dmitri seemed so sad, and yet I still felt wary of approaching him. The knowledge that he had spent the night before at a wild party with all his sexual friends made his body feel dangerous, like it was still tainted by the things it did just a few hours ago. Those conflicting feelings were tearing me apart even before I said anything to him.

Dmitri leaned back in his chair and wiped his eyes with his hands. He looked at me tenderly and managed a weak smile. “When you’re ready, I’m listening.”

I took a deep breath, and prepared to hurt the person who cared for me the most.