The Orchestra - Sinfónia Lifsins - 51. Guilt

Thanks Lisa for the editing!
Sorry the chapter is a bit late, but I'm working to have another chapter this month to compensate!
Gunni and Dmitri finally have their relationship talk. Gunni doesn't want to hurt Dmitri, but is that even possible?

Dmitri leaned back in his chair and wiped his eyes with his hands. He looked at me tenderly and managed a weak smile. “When you’re ready, I’m listening.”

I took a deep breath, and prepared to hurt the person who cared for me the most.

I opened my mouth to speak, but I had to look away as soon as the words started to take shape in my mind. Dmitri didn’t deserve to be hurt that way; it was so unfair. He hadn’t done anything wrong. “You’re the best boyfriend. Before I say anything else, I want you to know that I think you’re a great person. I don’t understand what’s been happening to me this last week, and I really don’t want to hurt you, but…” I bit my lip, hoping Dmitri would interrupt and give me an excuse to delay the inevitable. He didn’t. “I’m scared of you,” I said in a hushed breath. He didn’t answer. “Every time I think about touching you or hugging you I think about your birthday party. I imagine the things you did last night, and it makes me scared. I don’t know why. But now your body is like… like it’s something wild and dangerous. It doesn’t matter how much I know you’re safe. I feel horrible because I know you’re the last person who wants to hurt me, and this whole week I’ve been trying to get over this feeling, but…”

I couldn’t speak anymore. I felt the tears coming, and my throat tightened so much I could barely breathe. The silence lasted for too long, and I missed the comfort of Dmitri’s hug even while thinking that the last thing I wanted was for him to touch me. I was so used to being soothed by physical contact that I felt extremely lonely sitting on my own while those bad feelings grew inside me.

I wondered what Dmitri was doing, but I couldn’t bring myself to look at him. Was he sad? Disappointed? Worried? Did he think I was being a ridiculous teenager with childish emotions? Or was I just projecting my own feelings onto him?

When the silence was finally broken, it wasn’t Dmitri voice that echoed in the kitchen, but Tjúlli’s. The cat meowed at me from the floor until I picked him up and put him on my lap. Tjúlli’s fluffiness on my thigs couldn’t replace comforting human embraces, but it calmed me down enough to stop crying. The cat nuzzled my chest and poked my arm until I stroked his head and back. I smiled at his cute plea for attention, and I heard Dmitri snickering. I turned to him on reflex.

“It looks like Tjúlli wants to cheer you up.” Dmitri’s smile was weak, not enough to disguise his real feelings. He opened his mouth again, but closed it without saying anything.

“If there’s anything you want to tell me…” I tried to get him to talk. Anything was better than hearing my own voice again.

“Thank you for being honest with me, Gunni. I can see how much it’s hurting you.” Dmitri tried to smile again, but it didn’t last. “I knew you were uncomfortable, but I didn’t think you would be scared of me.”

“I’m not! I mean… not scared of you, just… of… you? It doesn’t even make sense!” I wanted to pull my hair in frustration, but Tjúlli made sure both my hands kept busy with his fur instead.

“It’s ok. Emotions don’t have to make sense, that’s why they’re emotions and not rational thoughts.” Dmitri looked so sad I wished he had a Tjúlli to comfort him too. “I’ve always said I don’t want you to do things you’re not comfortable with to make me happy, and I’m not about to change my mind. I guess I did do things that could be scary for someone who’s not into sex and has never done it before. I think ten years ago, before I started having sex, I would’ve been scared too.”

“What were you doing?” What kind of thing could’ve scared Dmitri?

“Do you really want to know?” He raised his eyebrows.

“No, actually. I don’t.” It was bad enough with me imagining Dmitri’s birthday as a porn scene. If he told me any details, he would either confirm that my imagination was right (which was what had been scaring me the most), or tell me something even worse than what I thought (which would probably make me throw up at the breakfast table).

“I thought so. But if it helps, I can reassure you that everything I did was consensual and enjoyed by everyone involved. It wasn’t an uncontrolled act of savage lust. All the things I tell you about consent and respect are even more important at this kind of party, and I try to be with people who understand it too.”

“I know. I believe what you say, it’s just… I don’t even know why I feel this way. I didn’t feel like that when we started dating. It’s a new thing, and I don’t know how to deal with it.”

“When did it start?”

“I think… during rehearsals, when everyone started to talk about your party.” I scratched behind Tjúlli’s ears and felt the soothing vibrations of his purring. Dmitri nodded and looked thoughtful for a moment, but I spoke before he did. “I think maybe I was a little scared of your party before, but I didn’t see it as a thing that was really going to happen until everyone started to talk about it. And then I guess I panicked, because deep down, I didn’t expect you to really go through with it. Which doesn’t make sense because I didn’t think you were lying when you told me what the plans for your birthday were, so it shouldn’t have been such a big surprise for me. This whole thing is so confusing!”

“It’s ok. I’ve had my fair share of conflicting feelings too. It is a painful mess. Though I’m glad you’re at least talking to me about it and no longer facing them on your own.”

Dmitri’s words took me by surprise. My body moved forward on the chair, and Tjúlli hissed and sank his claws on me to avoid falling on the floor. I needed a few seconds to recover from the pain and to calm the cat down again before I could react properly. “You’ve been in this situation before? When?”

Dmitri had been smiling while he watched my disastrous dealings with Tjúlli, but as soon as I turned my attention to him, his face darkened. “You know that part of my past that I’m still not ready to talk about? That’s one of the reasons why.”

“I’m sorry.”

“That’s fine. I’m always making a conscious effort not to think about that whole mess, so obviously you couldn’t have known.” Dmitri sighed. “I can tell you something, though: back then I didn’t have anyone to talk to about what I was going through. I was on my own trying to understand my feelings and trying to make a decision that I knew would hurt me whichever option I chose.”

“What did you do? I mean… I shouldn’t ask…”

“It’s ok.” He lifted a corner of his lips for a brief second. “In the end, I followed my rational mind. My situation got to a point that it was physically dangerous for me to continue to listen to my feelings. I had to stab my own heart over and over until I couldn’t feel anything anymore. I survived, and I don’t regret that decision now, but back then it was the most painful thing I ever did.”

I didn’t know what to say. Dmitri was on the verge of tears, but he tried to give me a reassuring smile with shaky lips. I wanted to hug him and make him feel better despite my ridiculous repulse for his body. If I followed my rational mind like he did, I would have to bury my fears and force our relationship back to what it was. It would be painful, like Dmitri said his decision had been, but I had to do it.

I must have been showing my thoughts on my face, though, because Dmitri intervened before I could move towards him. “I didn’t tell you about my past so that you could go and do something you’re definitely not ready for.”

“How do you know I’m not ready?” Why would he say all those things if not to tell me what I should do?

“Because I’ve been watching you. Forcing your feelings right now isn’t a good idea. I told you of my experience because I wanted you to be able to relate to something and see how lucky you are to not be alone in this. But my situation was completely different to yours. Maybe later on you’ll choose the same answer that I did, but for now…” Dmitri bit his lip and averted his eyes, but quickly changed his mind and looked at me again. “If you think that right now the best thing you can do is stay away from me, then I understand.”

“You mean… We should break up?”

“Only if you want to.”

No, I didn’t want to do that. I didn’t want to give up this great thing we had, even if I couldn’t enjoy it right now. “I don’t. Breaking up sounds like we won’t see each other again.”

“That’s not –”

“I know it’s not what it means. I know that even if we break up we can still be friends and see each other every day at work. But I guess it’s another one of those things that doesn’t make sense.” I smiled despite the situation. My next words warmed up my chest just by thinking about them. “You’ve become someone I really care about. It may not be the kind of romantic love that partners usually have for each other, but I do feel like ending our relationship isn’t the right thing to do either.”

Dmitri showed his most sincere smile since taking his seat in front of me. I still felt that his body had a foreboding sexual aura, but I was glad to see that the most difficult part of our conversation seemed to be over. My boyfriend put his elbows on the table and rested his head on his hands. “I don’t want to sound like I’m questioning your feelings, but… The way you speak about our relationship sounds like you feel more than friendship towards me.”

I couldn’t figure out Dmitri’s expression. He was still smiling, but he furrowed his brows and had a strange gleam in his eyes. Still, I smiled back to him and tried not to sound like I feared something was wrong. “I’ve thought about this before. I don’t like you the same way I like Siggi.” My smile faltered. “Though, to be fair, I don’t even know why I still like Siggi. I mean… You’re special in your own way. I think you’re more important to me than all my other friends, but I don’t love you in a romantic way.”

“I see.” His smiled faltered too. “Well, thanks for making things clear.”

“Are you ok?”

Dmitri’s face lost its colour. The gleam in his eyes became water and he turned away as soon as I asked my question. By the time he looked at me again, his face was taken over by a smile that was anything but truthful. “I’m fine. I’m just relieved. You know, with my promise of never falling in love again… it wouldn’t do to have a boyfriend who actually loves me, don’t you think?”

I nodded. He had a point.

But if that was the case… then why did it feel like I had just stabbed him in the heart?

Thanks for reading!
I've wanted to write the next chapter for ages. It's a half-conclusion to that story arch, so there's lots to look forward to!
On other news, I'm making a Patreon. For those who don't know, it's a thing where people can give me small amounts of money every month to help me write my stuff. The stories will reamin free to read, the money goes to feed me and keep a roof over my head.
In Patreon, everyone who gives a certain amount of money can get special rewards set by the author. I'm not going to ask you for money here, but maybe you can give me some suggestions for rewards. What would you, as reader of The Orchestra (and Be Myself!), like to get as extras from the stories? A look behind the scenes? Q&A with me/characters? Something else?