The Orchestra - Sinfónia Lifsins - 52. Love

“And that was when I realised I’m in love with Gunni.”

Dmitri buried his face in his hands. He knew better than to watch our friends’ overly-dramatic reactions. Karen’s jaw dropped. Gísli bit his lip and looked away. I wanted to beat Dmitri senseless until he realised the absurdity of what he just said, but I patted his shoulder instead. The one thing I understood about Dmitri (other than his state of permanent arousal), was that he would rather be dead than in love.

“Of all the things to happen… why me? Why Gunni? I didn’t ask for this. I don’t want to love Gunni. It’s so wrong on so many levels.”

The silence that followed lasted too long, so I ended it. “What are you going to do?”

“I have no idea.” Dmitri’s body sunk even more. “I was planning to drink myself into oblivion, but you won’t let me, so…” (lol)

Karen made a scene of moving Dmitri’s half-empty vodka bottle as far from him as possible. “Are you going to tell Gunni about this?” she asked.

“I’ll have to. At some point. Eventually. Whenever I stop having flashbacks about Þorsteinn.”

That man’s name was the magic word to shut everyone up. He was the reason Dmitri and I shared feelings nobody else understood: the stabbing pain in the chest, the sudden inability to breathe, and the nightmarish memories triggered by names spoken out loud.

“I knew the kid was going to ruin your life.”

Dmitri looked at me, but Karen was the one who exploded. “What the fuck, Siggi?” Her tone froze my body on the spot. She did not notice. “Is that how you help a friend? I already told you Dmitri needs our support now. The last thing you should be doing is badmouthing the person he loves!” Karen’s angry face stared at me for a two-second eternity until she realised what she had done. Too late.

Dmitri’s soft voice was the only thing that cut through the mental prison of my past memories coming to life. “It’s ok, Siggi. Karen won’t hurt you.” The memories faded. Dmitri’s naked body came into focus standing in front of me. “Let’s go to our bedroom; you’ll be safe there.” His hand took mine. So cold it hurt. I let him drag me away, though my mind was still half-lost in a different time and place.

We sat on the bed. His cold hand brushed my face as he put a strand of hair behind my ear. Dmitri smiled and waited. I took too long to be able to speak again. “Thanks.”

“You’re most welcome!” Dmitri’s smile stretched, showing all his teeth and spreading his alcoholic stench. “Are you feeling better now?”

“I think so.”

“Good.” Dmitri nodded and patted my back. We sat so close our thighs touched. “I’m sorry Karen blew up over Gunni. She was just trying to help me, but she knows she crossed a line. She’s not angry at you anymore, and she’ll apologise to you when we go back.”

“I don’t want to go back.” It was not safe yet.

“That’s fine. You don’t have to.” Dmitri’s arm dropped to my waist, hanging loosely without touching any private parts. “Is there anything else you want to say about Gunni and me, now that Karen isn’t here? I promise I won’t be angry.”

I raised an eyebrow. “Do you really want to hear everything I think about you and the kid?”

“Maybe not everything.” Dmitri looked away. His arm fell on the bed. “I have a pretty good guess of what you’re going to say anyway. It’s just that… everything is so fucked up. Even if I wasn’t scared shit of being in love, Gunni is still a teenager. I’m twenty-four now, what am I doing falling for someone so young?”

“Your age difference wasn’t a problem until now?” I almost asked what took him so long to realise this, but some miracle made my mouth close just in time to avoid another fuck up.

“No. Neither of us had real feelings for each other. We were just friends by another name who cuddled and spent a lot of time together. But now, with the way I feel about Gunni… I don’t know what’s going to happen. Everything in my life proves that those relationships are dangerous. The men I had sex with in Russia were always old enough to be my father or grandfather. I try not to think about what attracted them to me. Even my teacher, for all the good he did to me, was still looking for a young sex worker who was less than half his age when he found out how I paid for his lessons. I don’t want to be like those men. I don’t want to feel attracted to someone who’s still a teenager.”

“I’m nineteen.”

Dmitri laughed. This was not the kind of reaction I expected, but at least it did not last long enough to be annoying. “I’m sorry, Siggi. I just tend to forget how young you are.”

“The first time we fucked I was sixteen, and you were twenty.”

“That’s true, but those were special circumstances. You were looking for someone to have sex with you who wouldn’t be intimidated by your issues, and I got Arnar’s permission to be that person. You were older and more aware of your sexuality than I was when I started sharing a bed with strangers. You were even above the age of consent!” Dmitri smiled again.

“But still. I’m a teenager, and you’re not like those creepy old men with me. A seven-year age gap can be creepy because it’s implying the older partner has a lot more power and is manipulating the younger one, but you won't even choke me with your cock unless I do it myself. Your party friends aren't that considerate.” I realised I screwed up again when Dmitri’s smile disappeared, and his hand touched my cheek like I was made of glass.

“I’m sorry about Pétur, Siggi. I didn’t think he was going to break the rules and ignore your consent. I shouldn’t have brought him to the party. He hurt you and–”

“Let’s not go there, ok? Forget I mentioned your party. We’re talking about more important things than a non-consensual mouth-fuck.” I did not let Dmitri interrupt me. “My point is that you’re the most respectful partner I’ve had, even though you’re four years older than me. Gísli is fine too, and he’s six years older. You’re not like those creepy geezers who fucked you ten years ago.”

“Are you actually defending my relationship with Gunni? I thought you wanted me to never go near him again!”

“No!” As if I would ever defend that brat. “I don’t want you near the kid, but not because of you. My problem is with him. He’s the one who’s immature and naïve and in no way ready to deal with the shit that we went through. I don’t want you getting hurt because your partner won’t know what to do when things get ugly.”

Dmitri stared at me like I grew an extra head. “That’s… I didn’t think…” He smiled again, but I only had a second to notice it before he lunged forward in a choking hug. I did not have either the reflexes or the strength to resist the impact, so we fell back and Dmitri’s naked body pinned me against the mattress. “I’m glad to hear you talking so openly about your concern for me. You make me really happy when you show that you care so much. Thanks.”

“Do you need to break my ribs to show that gratitude?”

Dmitri jumped away. “Did I hurt you?”

“No, but I like to know when I’m about to be crushed by my friend’s enthusiasm.”

“Sure thing.” Dmitri smiled again. He lay next to me, touching as much of my skin as he could without sitting up. “Thanks for reassuring me about being a good sex partner to you. I’m going to need a lot of reassurances while I’m sorting out this mess.”

“How about this for reassurance: it won’t be you who’s going to screw up.”

Dmitri snorted. “If only I could be as sure as you…” He sighed. “There are so many things wrong with this whole situation. The age gap, the power dynamics… You know, Þorsteinn was seven years older than me too. I was in Gunni’s place before, but I was twenty, and I still got completely blinded by my feelings. I haven’t felt this lost and scared since I ran away. What if I stop living my life to make sure Gunni’s is perfect? What if I forget who I am and focus my whole existence on Gunni’s needs? I don’t want to be like that again, but I’m not sure all the willpower in the world can stop me.”

“I’ll get Gísli to tie you to the bed if we need to keep you away from the kid.”

“I wish I could say I won’t need it.” Dmitri turned his face away. “I already feel like I would do anything to make Gunni happy. I’ll stomp on my heart if it makes him smile. I’ll shut away my dark thoughts to help him get rid of his own. I’ll be the perfect boyfriend, even if it destroys me.”

Dmitri deserved a smack on the face. “Do you know how ridiculous and melodramatic you sounded just now?”

“Yes. It doesn’t make those feelings any less real, though.”

“You don’t deserve this. The kid doesn’t deserve someone like you. And if you think the age gap makes your relationship with him the same as your last one, but with you in that arsehole’s place… What you just said makes me think this is as likely to happen as me joining the kid’s fan club. You’re still the one who stands to get hurt from someone who doesn’t deserve you.”

“In other words… I’m fucked, and there’s nothing I can do about it.”

“You can stop seeing the kid. It’ll be my pleasure to help you with that.”

Dmitri turned to me again. I expected to see an angry face, but I saw tears instead. “Siggi, a few minutes ago I put my deepest personal turmoil on hold because my best friend got triggered by Karen’s anger. I didn’t have to think about it; I didn’t hesitate. I just did what came naturally to me. If that’s how far I’m going for you, do you really think it’s going to be as easy as to simply not see Gunni anymore?”

“I never said it was going to be easy.”

Dmitri stared at me for too long. Tears fell on the bedsheet, and his face became redder by the second, but he made no sound other than the disturbing noises coming from his blocked nose. I had nothing else to say to him. Instead, my mind got busy sinking in the guilt of adding my issues to Dmitri’s mess.

“I’m going back downstairs. Gísli knows what it’s like to love someone who doesn’t return the feeling. Maybe he can help.”

Dmitri left, still naked and cold, without looking at me.