The Orchestra - Sinfónia Lifsins - 41. It was Never a Choice

I couldn’t really pay attention to most of Sunday’s half of the History Walkers TV series marathon. As much as I wanted to know what was going to happen to Lupo, Fritz, and the rest of the characters, my mind kept wandering back to my conversation with Vác the night before. It didn’t help that Dmitri cuddled me the whole time, making the possibility that he wouldn’t want anything to do with me anymore if he knew I might be asexual all the more painful.

I couldn’t sleep later that night either. Vác’s reassurances that it was ok to not feel sexual attraction towards others and that Dmitri would accept this part of me crumbled to dust once I was alone in my bed, lying in the dark silence of my room. There was nothing to distract me from my thoughts, nothing to keep them from turning to a more sinister direction. I was quickly overcome by a desperate urge to not be asexual. I didn’t want to be like this. Dmitri didn’t deserve it. He was so nice to me; he deserved a properly sexual boyfriend. I couldn’t keep disappointing him like this. I tossed and turned on the bed, made a mess of my covers while those kinds of thoughts carved deep roots in my mind, so much so that I stopped questioning them altogether. Even though I knew it wouldn’t be such a big deal if Dmitri and I actually broke up. Even though I knew we weren’t in love. Rationally speaking, I didn’t have any reason to fear the end of our relationship. But my fears weren’t rational. I couldn’t just argue them away.

And so I decided that the only way to get rid of my fear was to become a sexual person once and for all. I needed to prove to myself that I could be sexual, that there was nothing wrong with me. I needed to do it for Dmitri’s sake, and for the sake of future boyfriends who wouldn’t want to date a freak that got repulsed by the idea of sex. Sex couldn’t really be that bad if so many people enjoyed it. I had to learn to be like them.

I tried to force some kind of sexual thought, but I didn’t have much of a frame of reference on what I should think about. There were the gay porn movies that Fríða showed me and that ultimately led to me realising I was attracted to guys. If it was thanks to those movies that I finally discovered my sexuality, then it meant that something about the guy-on-guy action had had an effect on me. But all I could remember at first was feeling embarrassed by the ridiculously muscular naked guys, and feeling intimidated and scared by their exposed aroused genitals. It took me a while to remember that every now and then the guys in the movie had tender moments too, exchanging kisses while touching each other. That had been the turning point for me. That was when I realised it wasn’t Fríða whom I wanted to kiss and cuddle with, but with a guy who was preferably tall and had big hands, but who hadn’t built enough muscles to look intimidating.

I focused on those thoughts. I tried to get some sort of sexual response by thinking of those kisses and touches, but at first nothing happened. I imagined my body receiving all the attention, but I didn’t picture anyone in particular doing it to me, at most a kind of generic tall guy with giant hands and soft lips, but for a while this guy didn’t have a face.

Then I remembered how I had become a shiny tomato the first time I saw Siggi. Back then I thought he looked beautiful with his impressively long hair and stunning blue eyes (not to mention the fact that he was actually tall and had huge hands while not being particularly muscular). I remembered how, for the few seconds before he talked to me, I felt butterflies in my stomach and an urge to get to know him, become his friend, and possibly something more. Suddenly it was Siggi who was laying with me on the bed, kissing my mouth, my neck, my chest. His hands (so big, so warm) touched me in places that shot electric currents though the rest of my body. My imagination was way too realistic. I wanted to kiss Siggi too, maybe even touch him like I imagined he was touching me.

I had never really used the box of tissues on the nightstand before. I felt so embarrassed for finally having done so that I couldn’t bear the thought of Jó or Eiri finding the discarded tissues in my bin. I snuck out to the bathroom, threw the tissues in the toilet, and flushed them away.

(...)

For the rest of the week, I tried to slowly condition myself to become properly sexual. That first night had offered good ‘proof’ that I couldn’t really be asexual, after all. I had reason to hope that my relationship with Dmitri wasn’t doomed to failure. I thought that, if I could be attracted to Siggi, there was nothing keeping me from feeling the same for Dmitri someday. I didn’t dare look at porn, but I tried to imagine different kinds of scenarios that should make me want to have sex. I believed that if I kept thinking of sexy things on my own, it could make me at least curious to try the real thing. Unfortunately, I soon realised it wasn’t that simple. I could get my body to answer to thoughts of Siggi and me kissing and touching, but anything beyond that instantly cut any possibility of things going any further. I tried to convince myself that thoughts of Siggi and me having some kind of more intimate sexual contact were supposed to be really hot and make me desperate to do it for real, but all that happened was that I got increasingly more put off by the idea of having my genitals in close contact with someone else’s poop hole (and the ‘role reversal’ was even more so).

I didn’t know what to do then. It was too confusing. I was capable of having fantasies about Siggi and getting some kind of body response from them. That surely meant I couldn’t qualify as asexual. But then, why was I having so much trouble with everything else?

I decided the best thing to do was to talk to Vác once he returned from his recording trip. As embarrassing as it would be to tell him about what I had been doing since our sleepover party conversation, the situation would get really out of hand if I didn’t do it. I didn’t have much of a choice.

I woke up on Monday morning mentally prepared to do just that. It would be Vác’s first day back to work. I didn’t want to wait any longer. But unfortunately my plans ended up being shoved aside when I went down for breakfast and saw a newspaper spread on the breakfast table. Jó and Eiri were reading it, and they looked horrified.

“I can’t believe someone wrote this,” Eiri whispered in shock.

“I can’t believe someone approved it for publication,” Jó added. He was not only shocked, but quite angry as well. “This is really irresponsible! What do they hope to achieve by trying to bring down someone they admit is on suicide watch? Do they actually want to throw him over the edge?”

“What’s going on?” I asked. I was not close enough to the newspaper to read the article they were referring to.

“Some attention-seeking, irresponsible journalists are staining the reputation of the whole profession again,” Jó answered bitterly. “I don’t know if it’s a good idea for you to read it…”

“Why not? Is it about Dmitri?” I began to feel sick with just the thought that Dmitri’s media nightmare might not be over yet. He didn’t deserve this. But if it was the case, I wanted to know. As his boyfriend, I needed to know about those things so that I could be there for him and help him face those horrible people.

“No, it’s about Siggi,” Jó answered, looking at me sympathetically. He already knew what impact his words would have on me.

“Siggi? Why? How?” I asked, feeling the non-existent contents of my stomach coming up to my mouth. Why were the newspapers attacking all the people I cared about? What had they done to deserve it? The article was full of cruel words and unfair accusations that tried to paint Siggi as someone lazy and unstable, not deserving of his place in the ISO. “Why are they doing this to Siggi?”

“He’s going to be your next soloist,” Eiri answered, putting a comforting hand on my shoulder. “Something like this is bound to attract attention to your concert…”

“I don’t think the ISO needs that kind of attention,” Jó argued. He seemed to be getting angrier with every second that passed.

“No, we don’t.” I sighed, letting Eiri guide me to my chair. I ate breakfast mechanically, not really able to taste the food because of my building anxiety. I wanted to rush to rehearsal to see how Siggi was taking these new developments. Until I saw him alive and well in front of me, part of me insisted in believing that the article would really push Siggi over the edge.

(...)

Thankfully, once I had joined my colleagues in the auditorium I saw that Siggi was almost laughing in the face of those who tried to mention the article to him. As much as it hurt me to stay away at a time like this, I watched him from a safe distance, knowing he wouldn’t appreciate my presence or my concerns. I was kind of reassured by Siggi’s attitude, though, and so I managed to gently push this whole subject to the back of my mind. I had other things to worry about, such as the rehearsal being about to start.

“If everyone here agrees, I would like to propose a last minute change to the week’s programme. Instead of me conducting you, I would like to invite Arnar to take over the baton, if he feels up to it,” Gummi announced. Arnar had just appeared on stage, invited by Gummi to help with our rehearsals. Everyone was surprised to see him, but he received a very warm welcome nonetheless.

When Arnar replaced Gummi in the conductor’s podium, I felt an immediate change in the room, like the presence of the ISO’s previous leader had lit a special flame inside every one of his former colleagues. Siggi’s posture straightened, but he somehow appeared more relaxed. His eyes gained a new lively sparkle and he held his cello bow with more confidence. All around me, the other players went through a similar process.

From the very first note, the orchestra sounded more beautiful than I had ever heard them. There was a kind of joy and mutual understanding in the air that I had never felt before. The ISO was perfectly comfortable and at home with the person who had led them from my chair for so long. Even though Arnar had to conduct with one hand and rely on somewhat silly expressions to communicate the subtleties of the music, nobody seemed to have trouble understanding him. Sitting in the middle of this magic transformation, I felt just how much Arnar meant not only to Siggi, but to the entire ISO, and I understood what an honour it was to have been chosen to carry on his work as leader.

When Siggi started to play, he made such a gorgeous sound that I almost got distracted from my part. It was almost impossible not to be drawn to him or not get lost in his beautiful playing. Siggi sat right in front of me, his eyes closed as his left hand moved seemingly effortlessly through the cello’s fingerboard and the bow in his right hand shaped the cheerful melody. When Arnar stopped the rehearsal to fine-tune sections of the music (Dmitri was made to repeat the same couple of bars for five minutes because he was laughing too much), I couldn’t take my eyes off Siggi. One week of attempted sexual conditioning combined with his amazing play meant my crush on him (which I had managed to keep more or less under control because of my relationship with Dmitri) came back in full force. Just like on the first day we met, my cheeks burned for the entire first half of the rehearsal. I hoped Siggi didn’t notice, or at least didn’t care.

(...)

When Arnar called for a break, I took a very deep breath before getting ready to leave my seat, trying to get my body temperature back to normal. Siggi and Arnar left the stage together arm in arm. I had never seen Siggi move so lightly, so freely. The scene made me feel warm and fuzzy inside, and I wished Siggi could be like this more often. He certainly deserved it.

“Stalking Siggi now, are we?” Karen’s voice came from behind my chair. I turned around to see her sitting behind me with a knowing smile on her face. “In your place I would be too. Siggi looks gorgeous when he’s actually happy, don’t you think?”

Karen’s smile grew and she arched her eyebrows meaningfully. She already knew what I was going to answer, so there was no point in trying to avoid the topic, though I still felt my cheeks burning in embarrassment. “Yes… he looks great. I’m really happy for him, and I hope he can stay like this for a long time.”

“We all do, Gunni, we all do.” She sighed dreamingly. “I think Siggi needs someone who loves him in a more romantic sense, not like the kind of fatherly love from Arnar or the sibling love he gets from us. It would be good for him to know that there are people out there who love him for who he is despite the more nasty sides of his personality.”

I thought I knew what Karen was getting at, and it only made me even more embarrassed. I was really glad Siggi was no longer around to see what was most likely the most intense blushing to ever appear in my face. “Yeah, I… I hope he finds someone like that one day…”

“I think he already did, but he hasn’t realised it yet.” Karen winked at me. This was getting out of hand really quickly. I wanted the floor to open up beneath me and swallow me whole, away from this conversation.

“I… I guess… Maybe…”

“Hey, Karen, mind if I borrow Gunni for a bit?” Vác asked, appearing out of nowhere to suddenly stand by my side. He placed a calming hand on my shoulder and smiled innocently. I didn’t think he was the sort of person who would do this kind of discreet rescue, but he winked at me as soon as Karen left us alone, proving this was exactly what he had in mind.

“I’m sorry I interrupted you like that, but it looked like Karen was making you uncomfortable, so… I figured if you were anything like me, you would’ve been too polite to tell her to stop,” Vác explained, sounding more like his usual shy self. “But it’s true that I wanted to talk to you, if you’re up for it.”

“About what?” I asked, though I had a feeling I knew. It was probably the same reason I wanted to talk to him too.

“About the stuff that happened during my sleepover party,” Vác answered, taking Santa’s seat so that our eyes were more level. “After we talked, you seemed a bit distracted on Sunday. I thought I should check up on you, even though it’s been more than a week now…”

“No, it’s ok. I wanted to talk to you too.” I got a little worried that if Vác noticed I was acting weird on Sunday, Dmitri probably noticed something too. Over the last week he hadn’t mentioned anything, but it didn’t stop me from wondering if Dmitri had noticed something and didn’t want to tell me in case it made me upset. I might have to talk to him about it later. “I spent the whole week thinking about the stuff you told me. I don’t know if I really want to be ase…” Before I finished saying the word, I looked around me in case someone was listening. The last thing I wanted was some kind of rumour about my sexuality spreading and reaching Dmitri before I had a chance to talk to him about it. I decided to play safe and not say that word at all. “… like you. I don’t know if I’m really like that. I’ve even… I’ve even tried to, like… to do things to prove that I have some… needs too.” This talk was so embarrassing I was sure I was blushing uncontrollably again. Thankfully Vác only listened and smiled sympathetically. “But I’m confused. Sometimes it seems to work, sometimes it doesn’t… What am I? Is it even normal? I think I’m kind of scared…”

“Aw, Gunni, I’m sorry to hear that.” Vác got a little closer to me. “There’s only so much I can tell you about who you are. In the end, it’s up to you to choose your own labels. If you’re scared of the stuff you’re finding out about yourself, I advise you to do some research about ase… about it.” Vác smiled apologetically. He probably understood I didn’t want to talk openly about asexuality in front of our colleagues, and I was grateful he tried to respect it. “There’s a great website called AVEN that has lots of information that might help you. It has a big section with questions and misconceptions that should make things clearer for you. And they also have a forum where people post their experiences and ask even more questions. It’s the perfect place to find people in similar situations to yours, with similar doubts, who have been helped by other members of the community.”

“I see… I guess I could take a look…”

“I hope I don’t sound like I’m trying to make you be like me,” Vác said, sounding apologetic. “I really don’t. I just know that it can be hard to accept aspects of ourselves that go against everything we’ve learned in our lives. Questioning beliefs about our sexuality is not easy; it’s confusing, and it can be a mess. So I just want to point you somewhere that might make your journey a little easier, regardless of where you end up.”

“No, it’s ok. I didn’t think you were forcing me to anything.” I smiled at Vác. I felt kind of bad for making him worry like that. “You’re being really nice and helpful to me. I’m really confused and scared right now, but I’ll look at the stuff you mentioned and let you know what I find.”

“Ok, thanks. And good luck.” Vác smiled one last time and we decided to enjoy the rest of our break. Dmitri came to me and we chatted about nothing in particular. He asked for hugs, but I felt weird being in his arms. The uneasiness around my sexuality and the strengthening of my feelings for Siggi meant that Dmitri’s embrace went from comfortable to suffocating, and I couldn’t stay around him for very long. I ended up saying I needed to go to the toilet, and stayed away from the auditorium until the rehearsal started again.

(...)

“He what?” We had not gotten very far during the second half of the rehearsal when Gummi’s scream reached us from the audience and Arnar decided to stop everything to check what was going on. Gummi had been talking to Siggi by the looks of it, but something made him really angry. Siggi, on the other hand, had gone completely pale. He looked really scared of Gummi and frozen on the spot.

Arnar approached the two, and the rest of the musicians slowly followed. Siggi seemed to be having a panic attack. Arnar got there just in time to hold on to his foster son and snap him out of it. The scene was horrible. Gummi left when he realised he was the cause of Siggi’s breakdown, but the rest of us watched nervously as Arnar hugged Siggi and told him over and over again that he was safe and nobody was going to hurt him. Siggi eventually calmed down, but even then I was scared to imagine what Siggi had to live through in order to need this kind of reassurance. My chest hurt looking at him in such a vulnerable situation. Siggi was suffering and I couldn’t do anything to help.

“What happened?” I whispered to Dmitri, who stood beside me with a very worried expression on his face. Unfortunately, Siggi heard me too.

“Nothing you need to worry about. I’m fine,” he answered with the coldest tone he could muster. Siggi tried to let go of Arnar, but he almost fell to the ground. His body was shaking badly. “There’s nothing any of you need to worry about! Back to your rehearsal!”

We did like Siggi wanted, but after that it became a lot harder for me to concentrate on the music. As much as I wanted to know what caused Siggi’s breakdown, I knew the answer would probably make me feel even worse.

(...)

Later that night, after Jó and Eiri had gone to bed, I decided to follow Vác advice and visit the website he mentioned. AVEN stood for Asexual Visibility and Education Network. I went straight for their FAQ page. I had so many questions, and I was desperate for answers.

It took me about an hour to read through everything on the website. Every new paragraph was like a bombastic revelation and a gentle reassurance. Not everything there spoke to me personally, but I still learned a lot. To begin with, asexuality was actually a spectrum of people whose sexual desire didn’t fit with our society’s expectations. It could mean people who never wanted sex, like Vác, but it could also mean people who only rarely felt like being sexual, or even people whose sexual desires depended on very specific circumstances, such as some kind of strong connection to other people. I learned that there is a difference between romantic and sexual attraction, and that asexual people can still feel attracted to people of all genders and thus be gay, bi, or straight. Or they could feel no sexual and romantic attraction at all.

At the bottom of the General FAQ page there was a section about fears about being asexual. I expected this was going to be the most likely place to help me, but I wasn’t expecting that they would actually have a question that read ‘I don’t like being asexual. I want to be like everyone else. What can I do?’ If there was a question that summed up my week, it had to be that one. Unfortunately, the answer was not what I was hoping for: ‘the best solution is to be comfortable with who and what you are. You can’t change your sexuality and you didn’t choose it, but you can accept it.’ Essentially, it said that if I really was asexual, I would have to learn to live with it and find a way to be happy. It didn’t sound very promising, particularly not when I thought about my relationship with Dmitri.

The site had a FAQ specific for relationships. I went straight there after learning that I would most likely be stuck this way forever. I didn’t think I could be convinced that Dmitri wouldn’t break up with me, but the message on the page was clear: relationships between asexuals and sexual people could work if there was enough communication. They acknowledged it could be difficult, but they pointed out that being in a relationship didn’t make someone entitled to sex, and that lack of a sex life didn’t mean there was no love in the relationship. I found the answers to most of my anxieties in those FAQ pages, but I still had one major issue with asexuality in general: it was easy to make a website for a group of people and claim their behaviour was ‘normal’, but how could I know that there were really lots of people out there who identified as asexual and were completely ok with it?

It was one in the morning when I found AVEN’s discussion forum. It was five in the morning when I finally managed to take my eyes away from the screen. The forums were a goldmine of interesting stories, people asking for help, and general tips. I easily lost track of time reading through everything. I found stories I could relate to, stories that made me cry, stories that made me laugh. There were hundreds of people in this one forum. I really wasn’t alone in my fears and worries. Even if I was a ‘freak’, at least there were other hundreds of freaks around the world just like me. And somehow this made everything a lot more ok.

So I might be asexual. It might actually be true. Though for the moment I felt more comfortable thinking of myself as a grey-asexual. I was sure I had felt some kind of sexual attraction towards Siggi, even if I was repulsed by the actual sex acts. Maybe then, I was one of those people who only felt sexual very rarely, under certain circumstances. The website said (and the forums confirmed), that asexual people aren’t necessarily celibate. Some asexual people had sex out of curiosity, or as a treat to their partners, or because they kind of liked it, though not in the expected sense. This gave me hope that, even if I put myself under the asexual umbrella, I would still be able to give something back to Dmitri, to have the kind of fun with him that he liked most. It wouldn’t necessarily be because I ‘owed’ it to him, but because he was a great boyfriend and I wanted to give him something special when the time was right. I didn’t have to rush. I would eventually feel ready for something. And meanwhile, I could enjoy his cuddles and his kisses.

(...)

Over the next two days at rehearsal, the musicians were approached individually by other members of staff in order to get a little surprise gift for Siggi. I was with Dmitri when he was asked to sign the back of a photo of Siggi’s very first concert. The woman who had come up to us asked if I wanted to sign it too, but I refused. Not only was I not in this particular concert, but I knew very well that Siggi wouldn’t appreciate my contribution. As soon as the woman was gone, Dmitri hugged me.

“What was that for?” I asked.

“In case you are hurt because you know that the best way to help someone you love is by staying away from them. I bet it sucks.” Dmitri’s hug tightened.

“It does. Thanks for the hug.” I relaxed my body against his and he gently rested his chin on top of my head. “You’re a wonderful boyfriend.”

“You’re wonderful too. I’m really glad we got together, even if it was just to help you get to Siggi.” Dmitri kissed the top of my head. “I regret nothing.”

I didn’t say anything, just snuggled against him and smiled. I wondered if this was the right moment to share with Dmitri the discoveries I was making about my sexuality, but in the end I decided against it. This was Siggi’s week of stardom, and as such I ended up thinking about him more than normal. I wanted to be able to focus on my relationship with Dmitri, and Dmitri alone, when I called him to talk about something so important. Siggi was being too much of a distraction. Our talk would have to wait at least another week.