The Orchestra - Sinfónia Lifsins - 67. 65 - New Beginnings

I arrived at rehearsal much earlier than usual. I couldn’t stand being at home, where all I did was worry about what would happen when Siggi and I met. The longer I stayed, the more I put off the inevitable, and it made me feel like I was running away from my problems. I shouldn’t do that. What kind of leader would I be if I ran away the moment things got difficult?

The other ISO musicians shouldn’t have been the kind who showed up an hour early to work. Most of them were busy with other areas of their careers like teaching at university or playing in other ensembles, so even if they liked this job more than anything in the world they still couldn’t spare that much time to just hang around before work. But Vác proved me wrong: he was already sitting on his chair reading a book when I came in, with his clarinets resting on their stands next to him. Once he saw me, though, he put the book down.

“Hi, Gunni. How are you? I’ve never seen you so early.”

“Are you always the first one here?” I put my violin case on my chair. The concert hall was so quiet we had no trouble hearing each other, even from opposite ends of the stage.

“I’m usually here at least twenty minutes before anyone else. When I used to arrive closer to the start of the rehearsal, History Walkers fans would wait for me outside for photos and autographs. And now that our ten-year anniversary is just a few weeks away, it’s getting even worse. It’s not that I don’t appreciate people wanting to talk to me, but… I never know how to deal with them. I started arriving earlier and earlier until I got here before they did.”

“I see.” I placed my score on the stand, though I didn’t feel like sitting just yet. My legs wanted to move, to take me up and down the audience seats to distract me from the thought that Siggi would be here any minute now. “So I guess you always see everyone arriving?”

“Yes. Most of our colleagues have a fairly regular routine.” Vác gave me an encouraging smile. “Do you want to know when Dmitri is likely to be here?”

“Not Dmitri this time.” My face heat up like a furnace. “Though Siggi and Dmitri arrive together, so…”

“Did something happen? I know you, Siggi and Dmitri left together yesterday.” Vác looked concerned now. How much could I tell him without breaking Dmitri and Siggi’s trust? How much did I want to tell him? Vác’s help with figuring out my asexuality made him one of the people I was closest to in the orchestra, but still…

“It’s complicated. It’s not technically something bad; I’m just a bit wary of facing Siggi again.”

“Siggi has been… different… since you joined.” Vác made his way towards the front of the stage, navigating the sea of empty seats more gracefully than Dmitri ever did. “That’s probably not the best word to use, but my vocabulary is limited.” He smiled. “The winds sometimes talk about it when Dmitri and Karen aren’t around. We expected that losing Arnar would’ve thrown him out of his game for a while, but it’s been half a year now. We’re worried that there’s something else going on. He’s fine while he’s playing, but once the music is over he’s much colder, distant. And I’ve heard him insulting you a few times. That’s not good.”

“I didn’t know the orchestra has been talking about us like that!”

“Sorry, that came out wrong!” Vác had reached me by then. His face turned as red as mine, and he put his arms up. “We didn’t mean to gossip behind your backs. We were trying to find a way to let Dmitri and maybe Siggi know about our feelings, but for us to do that, we needed to talk among ourselves first.” He smiled again. “The ISO has known Siggi for much longer than the time he’s been sitting in that chair across from you. Before he was our Principal Cello, he was Arnar’s son who had a troubled past and needed to work on his social and emotional skills. And because we consider each other family here, as soon as he became Arnar’s family, he became part of our family too. We witnessed him getting better thanks to Arnar’s help, and we would like to think that we helped him too. I think we’re… sort of proud of Siggi, for the way this family has been growing together. So we can tell that something is pulling him back, and we’re worried about it.”

“I’m the one who’s pulling him back.” I was about to tell Vác how much Siggi hated me, but I bit my tongue. It didn’t feel right to say bad things about Siggi when he wasn’t around, even if those things were true and he would proudly confirm them to anyone who asked. “It’s my fault because I can’t be like Arnar. But Siggi promised he was working on it. He said he was going to try and do better from now on.”

“And is that why you’re nervous about meeting him today? Because you don’t know how he’s going to treat you?”

“Sort of.” I didn’t want to mention how afraid I was that as soon as I laid eyes on Siggi again, the pieces of my heart I had barely managed to put together would shatter again. I didn’t want to think about any of that. I shouldn’t think about it when I had a full day of work ahead of me the day before a concert.

Thankfully, more people started arriving then, and I could focus on greetings and small talk instead of complicated feelings. Dmitri, Siggi, and their housemates were the last to arrive. My boyfriend walked in with his arms around Siggi’s waist and followed him to his seat. Dmitri stood next to Siggi while he put his cello down and snatched a piece of paper from his pocket. They looked around the room (though Siggi’s eyes never met mine) and Dmitri gave Siggi a pat on the back.

I wasn’t the only person watching them as they made their way to the conductor’s podium. Dmitri whispered something to Gummi and he stepped back, allowing them to take his place. Dmitri tapped the conductor’s baton on the music stand to alert the few who hadn’t noticed what was going on. Now certain he had the full orchestra’s attention, Dmitri strengthened his posture and took a deep breathe, while Siggi shrunk next to him.

“Hey, everyone! Siggi and I have some important things we need to say to you all, so I hope you don’t mind if we hijack the rehearsal for a few minutes!” He sounded cheerful enough, but Siggi had backed away until the metal bars behind the podium wouldn’t let him go any further, and his hands were shaking even after he closed them into fists. “We want to apologise for things we’ve done over the past few months. You guys are our family and you deserve to know why things seem to have taken such horrible downturn lately. And then we can hopefully leave all this shit behind and look towards a better future.”

Dmitri waited for our reactions. He glanced at me with a quick smile, but he made an effort to focus somewhere else. Siggi kept his head down the whole time Dmitri was talking.

“I’m going to go first to give Siggi a chance to see how it’s done.” Dmitri winked at us, patting Siggi on the back and grinning. “I haven’t been myself lately, as I’m sure some of you have noticed.” He looked pointedly at the second violins, who mostly smiled at him in encouragement. “I’ve let certain feelings take over me in such a way that I didn’t realise how it affected my relationship to other people. I want to apologise to all second violins and violas for forcing you into hasty retreats every time I ran past you on my way to Gunni’s desk. I want to apologise to the first violins who saw a lot more of me than they probably wanted over the past months. And last but not least, I want to apologise to all the guys who had to endure my lack of flirting.”

About half of the orchestra laughed. I joined them, even though my entire head felt like it was up in flames.

“It’s too early for me to promise that I’ll be back to my old self you all know and love, but I can promise I’ll make the biggest possible effort.” Dmitri became serious again. “This person I became in the last few months isn’t me. It’s an obsessive monster who scares me. I don’t want to be like that. I’ll do everything I can to not go down that path again. And this means…” Dmitri turned his body to face me. “It means I owe you my biggest apology, Gunni. I want the rest of the orchestra to witness my commitment to become the boyfriend you deserve, and I’m giving them the right to call me out if they see that something is not right.”

I nodded, not trusting words to come out of my mouth. The rest of the orchestra had their eyes on us (other than Siggi), watching my face get hotter and hotter until Dmitri called their attention again.

“Gunni and I have more stuff to talk about, but that’s a conversation we’ll have on our own. Not that we don’t love the rest of you or anything, but, you know?” He grinned, wiggled his eyebrows, and some more people laughed. I chuckled too. My body began to relax again, until I realised that Dmitri finishing his speech meant Siggi was going to speak next. “I think that was all I had to say for now. I’m happy to give you all individually tailored apologies in your own time, and the usual suspects can even get the special kind of apology that’s been long overdue.” He winked, and the brass section whistled at him. Dmitri bowed to them. “I’ll let Siggi take over.”

Dmitri put his arm around Siggi’s waist, encouraging him to move forward. Siggi took a few seconds to move, and almost fell forward as he did so. His legs seemed to be shaking too. He didn’t try to step forward again.

“I…” Siggi looked at the paper he held in front of him. The orchestra had gone completely silent, though most of the cello section and many other musicians smiled encouragingly at him. “I had to ask Dmitri to help me write this because I suck at this stuff. But you know that already. You know me. You’ve seen this before.”

Dmitri rubbed Siggi’s back. Siggi’s eyes were glued to the paper. His lips mouthed words, but no sound came for a while.

“I’m sorry. I don’t think I messed up something this badly before. And considering how my life is made of failure after failure, that’s saying something.”

Dmitri frowned. Maybe this part wasn’t on the paper?

“I’m aware my behaviour since Arnar’s forced retirement has hurt many of you. I didn’t want to do that. I was angry because the world is fucking unfair and tore Arnar away from us and I couldn’t deal with it. Maybe I still can’t. I’m still angry too. Because I’m used to my life being fucked up and I expect it to be fucked up any time. But Arnar didn’t need this. His life wasn’t meant to be even more fucked than mine. He was supposed to keep me together, but then he couldn’t keep himself together anymore and I lost it so bad I tried to kill myself.”

A few people in the orchestra exchanged alarmed glances. Siggi’s suicide attempt had been revealed in a newspaper article not that long ago, but how likely was it that other people knew the details of what he did then?

Siggi lifted his eyes from the paper. He looked straight ahead, like he was making a point of not seeing me or Dmitri. “And I couldn’t even have the decency to try to end my life on my own. I dragged my best friend in my mess, hurt him as much as I hurt myself, and that somehow didn’t scare him off. I don’t think I deserve a friend like that.”

Dmitri almost jumped on Siggi, probably to get him into a comfort hug, but changed his mind at the last second. He looked down and wiped his nose on his sleeve instead.

“I… I don’t even know where I’m going with this anymore. I think… I think even though I’ve known you for almost five years I still don’t think I deserve to be here. You’re too good, too nice to this fucked up mess that I am. But if it wasn’t for you, or for Arnar, I’m sure I would’ve tried to end my life much sooner and much more effectively. Before I went to live with Arnar, I used to fantasise about eating a peanut in some secluded place where people wouldn’t find me until it was too late. I could’ve done it so many times, but I hang on… hang on to my cello, to that one thing that made my life a little less dark. And then I met you, and I realised that there were many other people who could make my life less dark, who gave me a reason to want to survive rather than just go through the motions of existence. Every minute I spend here, making music with all of you, is a minute I forget what a monster I am and how shit my life has been. I’m actually happy to be here.”

The paper in Siggi’s hand dropped to the floor. He turned around to look at me, almost challenging me to turn away from him. His eyes were watery, but he wasn’t crying yet.

“Which is why, Gunnar, I had so much trouble accepting you. It wasn’t just because you were a little kid, younger than me and with even less experience than I had when I joined the orchestra. It wasn’t because I was jealous of your talent or whatever other bullshit people thought at the time. It was because you had come into that one space where I was free to be something other than a fucked up kid, because you were taking over the place of the person who had brought me here. I couldn’t see the ISO without Arnar. They’re grouped together in that part of me that’s learning to accept that good things can happen. So without Arnar, there could be no ISO.”

I had to make a lot of effort to stay in my chair, listening until Siggi was done talking. He seemed about to collapse, his legs shaking and his eyes so wet he couldn’t possibly still be able to see me. But his voice was still steady, cold, the one part of him that didn’t seem about to fall apart.

“I know a proper apology to you is long overdue. I know I have to grow up and understand you’re not here to threaten my safe space. I know I crossed the line with you more times than it should be justifiable for me to keep my job. And I know everyone here knows this. I’m sure any other employer would’ve kicked me out by now, but the ISO is special that way. Dmitri says it’s because they know I can be a better person, that I’ve been a better person in the past. They’re probably right. So I’m going to apologise to you in particular, and I want everyone here to be witness to it and hold me accountable for not keeping to my word.”

I wanted to cry. Siggi was still to let his first tear fall, but mine ran freely the moment I realised he was waiting for me to do something. Why was he playing with my feelings like this? Why did he have to try to be nice the moment I decided I had to let him go? I ended up nodding to him, because anything else would’ve been too hard.

Siggi took a deep breathe. “I’m sorry, Gunnar. I’ve been angry with you for no reason and treating you unfairly. I have to learn to see you as not Arnar’s replacement, but as your own person. You’re not Arnar, you’re never going to be Arnar, and I have to accept he’s not going to sit in this chair ever again. Getting angry about it won’t bring Arnar back. Bullying you just because I can won’t heal his hand. Trying to get to you quit will only bring someone else for me to be angry at. It’s not going to help anybody and will only make us feel even shittier.”

“It was about time you realised this,” Santa said, smiling at us as if we were his squabbling grandchildren who just decided to share a nice toy instead of fight over it. “You said so yourself, Siggi. We know you have it in you.”

“You put a lot of trust in me.”

“You proved yourself worth of it before.” Dmitri finally found the right moment to hug Siggi from behind. “And you should know that everyone here wants to see you back at that place, for you to feel truly happy and at home with your family.”

The musicians who were close enough to hear Dmitri’s words nodded or voiced their agreement. This collective show of support was finally too much for Siggi, and the tears he had been so fiercely holding back broke through. Whatever else he meant to say to us got lost in this new wave of emotion. Dmitri, Santa, Kjartan, and other string players rushed to help him back to his seat, reassuring him that they understood what he was trying to say and that they were looking forward to seeing him back to his old form.

Once Siggi was safely among the other cellists and all other players apart from Dmitri had returned to their seats, I made my way to the cello section. My tears were already drying, pulling on my skin just enough to remind me how much I had cried and how twisted and knotty and tangled my feelings had become. I stood in front of Siggi, but it didn’t feel right to look down on him to speak, so I crouched until our eyes were reasonably level.

“Thank you for being honest with me in front of the rest of the orchestra and for apologising. I hope our professional relationship will get better from now on.”

Siggi nodded. I wanted to say more. I wanted him to know what a mess he was making inside me, how much I dreamed about this moment since he first insulted me when we met, but the words didn’t come. Instead, I forced a smile and hurried back to my seat.

 (...)

The rehearsal started soon after that, with Siggi reassuring everybody the best way for him to feel better would be to play and forget anything had happened. I felt the same way, and so playing through Brahms’s second symphony became a rather cathartic experience, with the sounds of the orchestra overpowering my feelings for Siggi even when we made eye contact. He followed my lead, discussed playing style and bowings with me, and engaged in the way principal string players were supposed to.

It wasn’t that he hadn’t done that before (it was part of his job, after all, so even when he openly hated me he couldn’t get away from interacting with me during rehearsals), but this time his suggestions for bowings didn’t sound like subtle dismissals of my own, his input on the playing style wasn’t a thin-veiled criticism of what I was doing. Siggi seemed to consider my words not because my position in the orchestra demanded him to, but because he wanted us to work as a team.

The moment Gummi called for a break, the feelings I had been able to push back thanks to the music flooded in all at once. I even forgot to breathe while my mind tried to decide whether I should carry on with my resolution to forget my feelings for Siggi or whether his apology meant I should give him another chance. And while this debate was going on in my mind, my heart and stomach switched places and my legs decided they were made of stone. To make things worse, Siggi seemed to be in a similar state of mind. Strangely enough, though, that was what eventually gave me the strength to get up and approach him.

“Can we talk?”

“Now?”

“We’ll have to sooner or later. I’ll feel better if we get this over and done with.”

The people who noticed us leaving the stage together didn’t say anything about it, though I could feel their gazes until the door closed behind us. Siggi ended up taking me to the side room where he once walked in on Dmitri and me kissing and accused his best friend of harassing me.

“What is it you want to say?”

“Mostly that I’ve been a bit of an emotional mess in those last two days, and that it’s because of you.”

Siggi backed against the wall, arms crossed over his chest. “And you want me to do something about it?”

“I think I just need to… to understand where we stand now. Today was the first time I felt you considered me your equal in the orchestra, or that at least you were making an effort to do so.”

“I said this before. I have to see you that way. It’s part of my job. If I don’t do it properly, I don’t deserve to be here.”

“You think you don’t deserve a lot of things, don’t you?”

“That’s what happens when you spend your childhood hearing how useless and weak and what a waste of space you are. I’m not worthy of the nice things I get. I don’t understand why people cling to such a failure of a person. Why they still bother.”

I couldn’t find the right answer to that. “I have some really conflicting feelings about you right now, and I was hoping you would help me sort them out.”

“You want help from me with feelings? Were you listening all the times I said how useless I am at it?”

“Yes, but this time is different. Just listen to me first, ok?” I waited for Siggi to agree before I continued. “You know I had a crush on you until yesterday. I spent the night struggling with my feelings, convincing myself that waiting for you or giving you eternal second chances would only get me more hurt. I was afraid of coming to rehearsal today and having to face you knowing my hopes were lost forever. But then you apologise, not just to me but to the whole orchestra, for everything that made my life hell in the last half year and you say you want to change. You already proved you can change in the last few hours. And it felt great to be treated that way. I loved to be your equal for once, to know you actually value my opinions when you’re not blinded by your prejudice. So now… now I don’t know if I should give you one last chance, and it’s making me feel almost physically sick.”

“The short answer is that you should never give me second chances.”

“And the long answer?”

Siggi stepped towards me. His arms remained crossed over his chest, but he leaned forward to make our eyes more level. He got close enough I could hear his slightly wheezy breath. “The long answer is that all I promised to do was to try to stop treating you unfairly because of how much I wish Arnar was still our leader. I will have a professional relationship with you, and we will have to have some sort of ongoing relationship outside of the concert hall because of Dmitri. But I never said I wanted to be your friend, or that your crush has any chance of being reciprocated.”

My eyes stung. Siggi’s words hurt as much as when he was throwing insults at me. “Thank you. That helps to clear things up.”

“I’ll try to get past my early judgements of you, but I’m too messed up to be able to promise I’ll be able to. I’m doing this mostly because Dmitri and the ISO need me to, and I want to for once be able to say I’m doing something to justify their trust on me.”

“So none of this is because of you?”

Siggi opened his mouth, but no sound came. Instead, he straightened his posture, looked down at me, then at his arms. I waited to see if he was going to share what he was thinking about, but I was almost giving up by the time he spoke.

“I suppose if you see it as me trying to be a less shitty person, you could say I’m going this for my sake too. Though even then… I only want to be a less shitty person because Arnar and the ISO don’t deserve an arsehole around them.”

“I know I’ll never be able to replace Arnar, but I love the ISO too, and I’ll do everything I can to protect your safe space and your family. But I can’t do it without you.”

“Then we’ll try our best and see where it takes us.” Siggi offered his hand to me. “Shall we try this again, then?”

“Yes.”

We shook hands and we walked side by side back to the stage.

Thanks for reading!
The chapter is only slightly late because yesterday I spent a whole day working on an event for Bi Visibility Day.
Speaking of which, Happy Bi Visibility Day, everyone!  
As for the chapter... 
Siggi is doing his best to get better. He's still hurting Gunni, but at least this time he didn't mean to... 
Next chapter will be all about the impact of that apology on Siggi himself, in one of those heart-to-heart chats with Arnar. My patrons will see that chapter next Sunday (I'l be away for another whole Saturday, but it's the last one!), but everyone else will have to wait until next month. 
Next month! That means next time I update this story I'll be the same age as Jó!  (and that's when everybody turns to chapter 10 to remember how old Jó is)
If anyone out there feels like giving me a $1 birthday gift, my Patreon page is honoured to have you!