The Orchestra - Sinfónia Lifsins - 35. From Bad to Worse

On Friday morning I was awakened by Jó’s angry voice shouting obscenities at someone. It was so weird to hear him raise his voice in that way that, at first, I thought I was still dreaming. I could still hear him while I climbed out of bed and changed out of my pyjamas. When I got to the kitchen, I found Eiri sitting at the table, massaging his temples with one hand and holding a newspaper with the other. Jó paced up and down the kitchen, still very engaged in his angry outburst.

“What kind of respectable journalist would even think of coming up with such distasteful reporting?” Jó shouted. “Have you even read what these people wrote? Did it register in your mind at all before you allowed this utter piece of shit to go to print?” Jó was silent for a few seconds. I could vaguely hear a voice coming through the phone, but couldn’t make out the words. “No, you’re not going to bullshit me. Don’t even try that speech on me; I was the one who fucking taught you how to do it!” The voice tried to say something, but Jó immediately cut him off. “I don’t want to hear it! I want a public apology in tomorrow’s edition signed by all those shithead editors of yours, and I want you to leave Gunni and Dmitri alone. And you better be grateful I haven’t asked for all those fuckers to be fired, because if I did, heads would roll.” Jó snarled his last words and slammed the phone down hanging up on the other person. It took him a while to realise I was in the room, but once he saw me, he smiled and became more like the Jó I was used to. “Good morning, Gunni!”

“Good morning, I guess…” I tentatively approached the table. Eiri tried to hide the newspaper from me, and Jó sighed very audibly.

“If you want it to stay that way, better not look,” Jó explained, pointing at the newspaper. “These arseholes aren’t worth the paper their bullshit is written on.”

“What did they do? Is it about Dmitri and me?” I asked, even though I knew the answer. Jó’s shouting match had made it pretty obvious what had happened, but I wasn’t sure I wanted to see the newspaper at all.

“They wrote the most horrible piece of shit they could come up with, and that’s me being generous.”

“Is it that bad?” I asked, averting my eyes from the paper.

It was Eiri who answered. “If there was any more space in the page, they would’ve accused Dmitri of being a pervert who wanted to claim you as his next victim.”

“But that’s not true!”

“I know that, and I wouldn’t be surprised if the reporter knew it too,” Jó said. “I know some of those people, and they really are the kind that would write any shit just to sell more copies.”

“Who were you talking to?” I asked Jó, taking the opportunity to find out more about the conversation that woke me up. “You didn’t sound like yourself there.”

“I know. These pricks bring out the worst in me. I called the editor as soon as I saw the crap they sent through our letterbox. See, one good thing about being a newspaper columnist is that I have all the contact details of the people who really matter. I don’t know if they’ll listen to me, but I’m prepared to do that again tomorrow if I have to.”

“You’ve got your ‘mamma bear’ mode on now.” Eiri joked, making Jó smile.

“Nobody hurts my family and gets away with it.” Jó turned to me again. “And since your mother has personally asked me to be your new parent, I’ll have no mercy on those souls.”

“Thank you, Jó. So I guess I shouldn’t really try to read what they wrote…” I turned tentatively towards Eiri’s newspaper, and I saw that it had a picture of Dmitri and me cuddling at the New Year Concert with the headline ‘Young Musical Prodigy Chooses Russian Lover’.

“It’s up to you, if you feel it’s something you have to do.” Eiri offered me the newspaper. I glanced at Jó, wondering if he would forbid me from touching the paper. He probably read my mind.

“Well, they are talking about you. It’s your right to see what it’s about. I’ll be here for hugs and cheering up if you need.” Jó shrugged, but he watched me closely as I took the paper from Eiri and sat at the table to read it.

Most of the horribleness in the article was directed at Dmitri. The reporter sounded convinced my boyfriend had been taking advantage of me and that I was some kind of victim to his foreign charms. They even quoted Dmitri saying we had never had sex, only to follow that with a note of how he was found with an ‘unknown male’ doing suspicious activities. I felt angry when I read that part, because those people were writing about very private matters between my boyfriend and I, and because they never mentioned that our relationship came with an agreement that Dmitri could meet with as many ‘unknown males’ as he saw fit, meaning he had never cheated on me. Though, in a way, I felt a little bit angry and disappointed with myself too, because as much as I tried to honestly believe that Dmitri seeing other guys didn’t bother me, there was a small part of me that felt hurt and inadequate for not being the one with him in that hotel last night. The newspaper got me exactly where it hurt the most.

“I think I want to call Dmitri. If he reads this…” I began to say, but stopped when I heard my phone ringing upstairs. I rushed to get it, but I was too late. The caller left a voice message, though, so I quickly listened to it. The message was from Gummi.

‘Hi, Gunni, this is Gummi. I was just talking to Dmitri about the horrible news report that came out about you two, and I want to say the ISO will do anything we can to help. Dmitri is taking the day off today, and you’re welcome to do so too if you feel like it. Call me when you can, and we’ll discuss the situation properly.’

The first thing that came to mind when I heard Gummi’s message was that it meant Dmitri had already seen the news. This made me so anxious and worried that I almost didn’t notice anything else Gummi had said, and I called my boyfriend as soon as the message was over. It was good to know I had an understanding boss, but Dmitri was more important. If the news made him feel bad, I wanted to be there for him and make him feel better. I was already a disappointing boyfriend in terms of ‘intimate’ comfort, so I had to do my best to make up for it in as many other ways as possible.

“Gunni? Is that you? It’s so good to hear your voice!” Dmitri answered his phone after just half a ring.

“It’s good to hear you too. How are you feeling?”

“Well, between almost losing my best friend and having the whole country think I’m some kind of sex-crazed monster, I think I could be feeling a lot worse,” Dmitri answered, sounding surprisingly upbeat.

Despite his tone, I was still worried, particularly about the ‘almost losing my best friend’ bit. As far as I knew, Dmitri considered Siggi to be his best friend. “What happened? Is Siggi very sick? Or did you and Siggi have a fight?” I asked.

“You know, I find it cute that even when you’re trying to ask about how I feel, you end up worrying about Siggi too.”

“No, that’s not what I meant! I’m sorry, I didn’t…” I tried to apologise, feeling my face heat up in embarrassment. This phone call was supposed to be about Dmitri, about making my boyfriend feel better, but even then I couldn’t say more than two words to him before turning all my attention to Siggi instead.

“That’s fine, Gunni. I know you didn’t mean to highjack the conversation.” Dmitri laughed. I still felt embarrassed, but I didn’t try to apologise again. “Siggi and I had a bit of a fight yesterday, but things are better now. We’re still best friends.”

“I’m glad.” I wondered what their fight could’ve been about, but I got the feeling Dmitri didn’t want to discuss it.

“I take it you saw the newspapers already?” Dmitri asked, and I told him about Jó’s out-of-character morning berating of some unsuspecting soul over the phone. My story seemed to cheer Dmitri up even more; he laughed loudly when I tried to describe Jó’s full list of obscenities, only to feel too embarrassed to get more than three words out. “Aw, I have to thank your cousin. How about I visit you later? Gummi said I don’t have to show up for work today, and I’m seriously considering taking that offer.”

“I would love to see you, but…” I wanted to hug Dmitri and feel safe in his arms again. “But what if the reporters somehow follow you here and end up creating more gossip? I don’t want you exposing yourself that way, even if I really wish I was with you now.”

“You think they would follow me?” Dmitri asked, considerably less cheerful than before.

“I’m not sure, but I really don’t want to risk it. Reporters scare me. Jó said a lot of them would do anything to sell papers.”

“Then we have to make sure we don’t talk to them anymore.” Dmitri took a deep breath. “Maybe it’s better to wait at least until tomorrow, then. Hopefully Gummi will go ballistic on them and they’ll forget all about it, and then you and I will be able to get back to our normal lives.”

“That sounds reasonable… Though I kind of really want to be with you,” I said. Hearing Dmitri’s voice only made me miss him more.

“It’s only for a day. I want to be with you too, and cuddle you to sleep the whole night long.”

“Me too.” Being enveloped in Dmitri’s arms in bed, soothed by the feeling of his skin against mine, was one of my most treasured memories. It was right there with sleeping in my mum’s bed when I had nightmares and crying on her lap when I finally realised I would never see grandpa again. All those memories gave me a sense of safety and comfort, of being protected and loved. In a way, it was surprising that I felt that way with Dmitri, since we had gotten together just so that I could be closer to Siggi. I had come to like Dmitri a lot more as I got to know him better. I cared about him deeply, even if it wasn’t technically romantic love that I felt.

We didn’t speak for very long after that. Dmitri convinced me to accept Gummi’s offer of a day off, in case there were reporters waiting for us at the ISO or some such. I went downstairs to tell Eiri and Jó about my decision and was making my way back to my room to get some practice done when my phone rang again. This time, it was Fríða.

“Gunni, are you ok? Did you see the newspaper today?” Fríða asked, clearly worried.

“Yes, I did,” I answered. She made a strange panicky sound, and her tone became more anxious. By that point I had entered my room again, and sat on the bed beside Tjúlli the cat.

“How are you feeling? Is it true what they said?”

“Which part?” I asked, not even sure where to start this conversation.

“Well, everything, but mostly… that part about Dmitri being a sex-addict cheating on you with other people.”

“He’s not cheating!” I almost shouted, acting on impulse. Tjúlli sent me a dirty look.

“You got very defensive there.” Fríða noted. She seemed surprised by my reaction, and I felt embarrassed for raising my voice that way.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to sound like that. I don’t know what came over me.”

“It’s something that particularly pisses you off,” she said, thankfully sounding more cheerful. “I think the last time I saw you shouting at someone was when those kids almost knocked your violin off the table at the restaurant. It was, like, two years ago, maybe?”

“I guess. I barely remember it.” Fríða and I laughed, dissipating some of the tension around what we had been talking about. “But I’m still really sorry. I just think that these people were so unfair to Dmitri; he’s nothing like what they made it seem.”

“How so?” Fríða asked, curious rather than judging.

“He’s not cheating on me. When we got together, we agreed that he could be with as many guys as he liked. I didn’t want to feel like I was tying him down since we only got together so that I could be closer to Siggi.”

“Ok, fair enough. And the part about him being a sex-crazed monster?”

“He likes to have sex, but I don’t think he’s a monster. He’s always very careful about asking me if I’m sure I really want to do what we’re doing, so I can’t see him forcing himself on others. He just likes sex, I guess. There isn’t anything wrong with that.”

“Oh, so you guys had sex already? But the newspaper said you didn’t. Not that I should believe it, but still…” Fríða asked, sounding suddenly a lot more excited. I blushed.

“We haven’t. That part is true.” I head Fríða sighing in disappointment. She made me even more embarrassed, and she most likely knew it. “But he does that for hugs, kisses, cuddles, and any kind of body contact.”

“That’s… kind of unexpected.”

“I like it that way. It makes me feel very safe around him, even though his life when he’s not with me seems to focus on things I’m still scared of doing.”

“The sex?”

“Yeah, that.” By that point my face had become covered in molten lava, and Fríða could barely hold her giggles. She seemed to enjoy making me embarrassed just for the sake of it.

“Aw, Gunni! It’s kinda cute that you’re already seventeen, with a hella-hot boyfriend, and you still don’t want anything to do with sex.”

“You think there’s something wrong with me?” I asked Fríða before I really thought of what I just said. Until those words were out, I hadn’t realised how scared I was, not of the act of having sex itself, but of the possibility that I would never be ready for it.

“No, no! I don’t think there’s anything wrong!” Fríða hushed to make me feel better. “I mean, we always thought that your reluctance to kiss me when we were dating was because you didn’t like girls at all, but it doesn’t necessarily mean there’s something wrong with you if you don’t feel like doing those things when you’re with guys either.”

“That doesn’t make me feel any better,” I said in a near-whisper, though Fríða heard me well. Tjúlli’s head perked up, probably because of my tone of voice, and the cat climbed onto my lap. “I don’t feel like having sex at all. I didn’t when I was fourteen and starting puberty and dating you, and I still don’t. This is not normal, is it? I’m not supposed to be like this.”

“No, Gunni, that’s not…”

Part of me probably wanted to hear Fríða’s argument, but this conversation had taken an unexpected turn, and now that I had realised exactly what I feared so much about not getting ‘intimate’ with my boyfriend, I felt I needed to get everything out before my thoughts turned into some confusing mush of despair. Tjúlli rubbed his head against my free hand, asking to be petted just as I was about to speak. I ended up using the cat’s fur as a big stress ball. “I’m seventeen and I’m a gay guy. I should’ve tried to jump on Dmitri or Siggi or any other guy before I learned their names. I should be checking out guys on the street, trying to get into bars to have sex in some disgusting toilet. That’s how it’s supposed to happen, right? I was supposed to get this surge of hormones that would make me want to have sex even with a wall if it looked at me the right way. But it’s not happening at all.”

“Gunni…”

“My boyfriend is probably the sexiest person in Reykjavík. I should be glad I have someone like him, and I should’ve used the opportunity to do things with him. But I can’t. And then I feel like I’m not a good enough boyfriend, that I should be doing more…” At this point, my eyes filled with water, and I was barely able to carry on speaking. Fríða gave up trying to interrupt me, and listened quietly until I couldn’t speak anymore. Tjúlli purred sympathetically as I continued to caress his fur. “Sometimes I don’t think I deserve to be with him. He’s always saying it’s fine if I don’t want to have sex yet, but it’s not fine. It’s not fine! I don’t want to disappoint him. I know we don’t love each other, but we’re still together and we’re still good friends and I still care a lot about him. I don’t want to be just this cute kid he cuddles with, but thinking about what else we could do makes me almost sick with anxiety. At this rate, I’ll never be ready, and then Dmitri will be stuck with using other guys to satisfy his needs because his prude boyfriend is too scared to even see him naked! There has to be something wrong with me!”

Fríða waited a couple of seconds to make sure I was done speaking before she replied. A few tears had rolled down my cheeks and my nose was getting blocked.

“Aw, Gunni, I’m so sorry. I didn’t want to make you so upset. I wasn’t expecting our chat to turn into that.”

“I wasn’t either.” I told her, trying to calm down. “I spoke to Dmitri just before you called. I think the stuff in the papers put me on edge. I might be overreacting a little because of everything.”

“Why don’t you talk to Dmitri about it? Or to your mum?” Fríða suggested. “Even if you’re overreacting now, it still means you’ve got stuff worrying you for real. Maybe they can help you sort things out?”

“I don’t know. I’m scared to talk about this stuff with Dmitri and make him hate me.”

“But why would he hate you?”

“Because so far he’s been waiting for when I’m ready to have sex, but if it turns out I’ll never be ready, I don’t know if he will still be willing to stay with me.”

Fríða sighed sympathetically. “From what I’ve heard from you before, he doesn’t seem like that kind of person. Today, as well as the last time we spoke, you spent a lot of time telling me how awesome a guy he is. And you said you didn’t get together because of the sex anyway, so if you never get to fuck, he’ll just keep fucking other people instead.”

“Even if you’re right, I still feel like there’s something wrong with me. Maybe I play so much violin I don’t have energy to think about sex? But then everyone in the ISO would be like me…”

“Or maybe you’re just different. It doesn’t have to be wrong just because it’s not the same as everyone else.” Fríða suggested. Rationally, I knew she had a point, but nothing else in me seemed to agree with her.

“I don’t know. I’m confused, worried, sad… a whole bunch of things I can’t make sense of. The day has just started and it’s been one horrible thing after the other.” Tjúlli shifted on my lap, and started to lick the same spot on my hand over and over again. It was weirdly relaxing, though a bit painful after a while.

“Aw, Gunni. I guess you do have a lot on your plate right now. Maybe you should call your mum, then? She might be able to help you sort your feelings out better than me. She’s good at that stuff.”

“I guess I could try that. By now she’s probably seen the papers too and is worrying about me. I miss her.”

“Then go ahead and call her! I’ll let you go before I bring up more shit for your life. Just let me know if you feel better, ok?” Fríða sounded cheerful, but despite everything I felt sad for letting her go. I missed her too.

“I will. Thanks, I’ll call Mum now.”

“Take care, and find people who can give you hugs since I can’t really send you one from the other side of the country.”

“Thanks. I will. Bye.”

“Bye.”

We hung up, and I felt Tjúlli’s curious eyes on me. He stared intensely, like he was challenging me to do something. “You think you can give me a hug?” I asked him, because hugs seemed like a good idea, but there was no one else around me to ask. Tjúlli blinked and shifted his position on my lap, so that he was lying like a giant ginger ball of fluff. Not quite a hug, but petting his fur did help me calm down a little.

I called Mum after a couple of minutes caressing Tjúlli’s fur in silence. She noticed I was upset as soon as I greeted her, and suggested we speak on Skype so we could see each other instead of just talk. The only computer in the house that had Skype installed was in Jó’s office, so I headed there, hoping he wouldn’t be around to see my puffy face (Tjúlli didn’t like to be suddenly dislodged from his warm human-bed, but he didn’t do much more than run after me trying to attack my legs). Unfortunately, I found Jó sitting at the very same computer I wanted to borrow, and he immediately noticed I was upset.

“What happened, Gunni? Were you crying?” Jó jumped out of his chair and hurried to hug me as soon as I entered his office. “Did another reporter try to call you?”

“No, it’s nothing like that,” I answered, burying my face in his chest while he caressed my hair. “I just came to check if you were using your computer because Mum wanted to Skype with me, but if you’re busy…”

“No, that’s fine. I can finish my stuff later.” Jó kissed the top of my head. “Go ahead and call her. Let me know when you’re finished.”

“Actually…” I pressed my body closer to Jó’s, trying to get as much as I could from his hug. Fríða was right, I really needed that kind of physical contact. “Maybe you can stay here? And Eiri too? I want to ask Mum for advice on some things, but you can help me too. It’ll be easier if I just have to explain it once.”

“Sure thing, Gunni. I’ll call Eiri while you set up the call, then.” Jó let go of me and left the room. I did as he asked, and by the time Mum’s face appeared on the screen, Jó and Eiri were standing behind me.

I quickly told them about my conversation with Fríða and how it made me feel. I said I was worried there was something wrong with me, and asked them what I should do. Jó caressed my hair the entire time, and was the first to speak.

“It doesn’t necessarily mean there’s anything wrong with you. There are many reasons why people might not feel like having sex. I didn’t have any libido at all for nearly three years after my mother’s death.”

“But there was an obvious reason for that. You were depressed. I don’t have that kind of excuse.”

“It might just be that you’re maturing at a different rate compared to other people.” Mum suggested. “Like, you might not feel as sexual as other people your age, but on the other hand, you’re a lot more mature and responsible with your life and work than other seventeen-year-olds. It’s like one is compensating for the other.”

“Yeah. I know plenty of people who, at your age, had been having sex for years, but I only know one seventeen-year-old leading a professional orchestra,” Eiri added, winking confidently at me.

“People are just different. We each have our own learning curves, and life experiences, and all this shapes how we grow up and mature.” Jó concluded.

“But what if it’s not just about maturing? What if it’s forever?” I asked all of them.

“Then it’s fine too. It’s just who you are, and those who love you will keep loving you just the same. Those who don’t are not the kind of people you should be associating with anyway,” Mum answered. Jó and Eiri nodded vigorously, and I felt like crying again. Dmitri didn’t ‘love’ me as such, but he seemed to care about me a lot. I liked the relationship we had, and I would be sad to see it go because of something like this. I was going to tell them that when Eiri’s phone rang.

“Excuse me, it’s Mum. I’ll be back in a bit.” Eiri left the office in a hurry and closed the door behind him. Jó and I looked at each other, and Jó swiftly moved away, standing on the other side of the door to try to catch their conversation. Eiri came back two minutes later, and didn’t seem to mind that Jó had obviously been eavesdropping on him.

“Mum wants me to go round hers now,” Eiri announced, slumping his shoulders and letting his head fall slightly. “She’s angry that the newspapers have publicised Gunni’s sexual orientation to the whole country and wants to rant about it to someone.”

“Oh, no! Good luck, I’ll make your favourite tea and biscuits for when you come back.” Jó hugged his husband and pecked him on the cheek.

“Wait, Eiri,” my mum called. “Let me take care of this. Stay where you are, I’ll call you back.” Mum ended the call, leaving the three of us staring confusingly at each other. We waited in the room for about ten minutes, but she didn’t call again.

“I think I’ll go anyway. I don’t know what’s happening and I don’t like to leave Mum waiting…” Eiri announced. He sighed, hugged Jó and I, and left the room in a sluggish, resigned pace. Jó hugged me as he watched his husband go.

“If you don’t mind, I’ll keep holding on to you until I no longer feel the need to run after him and snatch him away from the jaws of the monster he has to call ‘mother’,” Jó whispered in my ear. He did seem to be using all of his willpower to stay rooted in place. I nodded, and Jó tightened the hug. “Thanks, Gunni. I guess for now we only have each other to turn to for comfort…”

Between me worrying about my problems and I Jó worrying about Eiri’s, it seemed we were in for a tense wait, but, thankfully, Eiri came back after about five minutes. He entered the room smiling and greeted us animatedly. For a moment, I thought I had misunderstood when Eiri said he was going over to Aunt Margrét’s.

“You can now stop looking like you’ve seen a ghost,” Eiri told us, laughing at our perplexed faces. “I’m fine, surprisingly fine. Aunt Hel took care of everything.”

“What do you mean?” Jó asked, approaching his husband and poking him with his finger to make sure he was talking to the real Eiri and not some kind of creepy robotic impostor.

“When I got there, Mum was still on the phone with Aunt Hel. She was screaming about how appalled she was that everyone would know she was related to a disgusting vile homosexual, complaining about the paparazzi that would surely occupy our street, and being generally angry that she had been forced to read about sodomy in a national newspaper.”

“That’s horrible. I don’t understand how you can be so happy about it.” Jó scolded Eiri.

“That’s not what I’m happy about,” Eiri explained. “I’m happy because that meant Aunt Hel made Mum so distracted she ended up telling me to come back later.”

“So all she wanted was someone to scream her complains to?” Jó asked, too surprised to sound properly happy.

“Looks like it. Aunt Hel took the hit for me. I’m really glad she did that.” Eiri hugged and kissed Jó. I smiled at them. “Though it looks like it’ll be a while before she can call us back. Mum will keep her busy for the foreseeable future.”

“That’s fine,” Jó said. “I can stay here working on the computer, so that when she calls, I can get you guys.”

“Thanks.” I told Jó. “I guess I’ll go see if I can get some practice done, so I don’t feel too bad about missing work...” I left Jó’s chair, and my cousins pulled me into a tight group hug.

“We love you no matter what, Gunni,” Jó said. “Never forget that.”

“And never think you’re not worthy of someone because of the way you are. You’re a wonderful person that everyone should be honoured to meet,” Eiri added. I felt my eyes tearing up again, and tried to hug them even more.

“Thanks. I’ll try.”

The group hug lasted maybe a couple of minutes. I relaxed in the arms of both my cousins, concentrating on the good feeling of their presence. By the time it was over, I felt a lot less anxious and insecure, though still a little worried about my relationship with Dmitri. Mum called much later, after dinner, because she had been talking to Aunt Margrét right up to the minute she had to go to work. We didn’t talk for long because she was tired, but she told me more or less the same things that Jó and Eiri had told me during the group hug. Still, she cheered me up enough that I was able to put those worries to the back of my mind, so that I could focus on more pressing matters.

(...)

On Saturday morning, Jó snatched the newspaper and scanned it carefully for any mentions of Dmitri and me. Eiri and I watched him go through the paper article by article, line by line, too caught up in the suspense to actually eat our food.

“Ok, I don’t see anything here. No new horribleness, but no apology either.” Jó announced his verdict after five tense minutes that might as well have lasted forever. “Hopefully this means they’ve forgotten about you already. I’ll check other papers, and look again tomorrow. If I don’t see that apology by then, I’m going to complain to the editor again.”

“That’s kind of a relief, right?” I asked, unsure of what to think because Jó still seemed angry despite the lack of offensive gossip.

“Oh, yeah, yeah. For now, anyway. It’s not perfect, but I’m not really surprised. Let’s wait until tomorrow before we celebrate, though.”

We did as Jó said, and so on Sunday he went through the same ritual with the newspaper at the breakfast table. Once again, Jó declared it ‘clear’, though he left the room soon afterwards to call the editor and complain there was still no apology. We hoped this would be the end of it, and that Dmitri and I wouldn’t appear in the papers again for a long time.

But then, the Monday newspaper came with the headline ‘Russian Star Oboist is a Prostitute’, and we realised our nightmare was just beginning.