The Orchestra - Sinfónia Lifsins - 47. All I Need is Love

Dmitri and I cuddled in bed until Jó knocked on my door to say that lunch was ready. My boyfriend hadn’t been crying for a while, but he was still very reluctant to let go of me. “Do you want to go down now?” I asked. My chin rested on top of his head, and he hugged me just under my ribs.

“We can,” Dmitri answered, though he still did not let go of me. “I’m sorry I’m being such a mess. We should be celebrating your coming out, but here I am getting all kinds of horrible flashbacks. I really wish I could just forget all this crap. It’s been over three years, but when the memories come back like this, it feels like I’ve just escaped him.”

“You don’t have to say sorry. I’m the one who’s sorry that I can’t do anything to help you.” All I had been doing so far was holding him while he cried, caressing his hair and back, and kissing the top of his head. I didn’t know what I could say to cheer him up, or how to take him out of that bad place. As much as I was glad he thought I was safe enough for him to show such vulnerability, I still felt kind of useless.

“You’re doing a lot already, you don’t have to say sorry either.” Dmitri reassured me, tightening his hug. “We’re really bad, aren’t we? We’re both the kind of people who say sorry for everything and automatically assume it’s our fault when things go wrong.” Dmitri’s head emerged from under its protective cuddle-cave. He was grinning again, though his eyes still had a bit of sadness in them. “If we’re not careful, our relationship will become this endless loop of ‘I’m sorrys’ and ‘sorry for being sorry’. Though I suppose overdoing the ‘sorrys’ is better than hurting each other.”

“Yeah.”

“Let’s get going; your cousins are waiting.” Dmitri started to get up and reached for his glasses on the bedside table. His cheeks were still a bit red and puffy. If we went for lunch now, Jó would definitely see that something was going on.

“Are you sure? I don’t think Jó will mind if we eat later…”

“No, it’s ok.” Dmitri dismissed my worries and kissed my forehead. “I like your cousins, and I could do with a bit of social cheering up. Besides, Eiri is quite the eye-candy. I like to look at him whenever I get the chance.” He grinned, and I felt my face heat up. I remembered the first time I saw Eiri. I thought that exact same thing, and because of that, my cousin’s first impression of me after not seeing each other for ten years became that of a blushing teenager with an incestuous crush. At least Eiri had found it cute and laughed it off at the time. I probably still wouldn’t have been able to look him in the eye if he had taken it in some other way.

Dmitri led the way to the kitchen. He smiled pleasantly at Jó and Eiri and acted like he had not just spent the last hour or so reliving horrible parts of his past. My cousins didn’t seem to notice anything out of the ordinary either, and so lunch was a happy time full of jokes, laughter, and ridiculous flirting between Dmitri and Eiri. Dmitri sometimes winked discreetly at me when Jó and Eiri weren’t looking, like he was including me in a big secret. Was he faking his interaction with my cousins? Or forcing himself to be happy for their sake? It didn’t seem possible that someone could go from being so broken to becoming such a social butterfly in just a few minutes. With those kinds of questions popping up in my mind every time Dmitri cracked a joke or came up with an over-the-top pick-up line for Eiri, I ended up spending most of our meal worrying about my boyfriend.

(...)

After lunch, Dmitri and I went for more cuddles in my room. I thought it would be too intrusive to ask him about his sudden change of mood around my cousins, so I buried my worries in the back of my mind, and looked for something else to talk about. “I promised Eiri and Jó I would tell them what was worrying me after I talked to you.”

“You mean coming out to them?” Dmitri asked. We were sitting on my bed. He had his back against the headboard, and I was sitting between his legs with my back against his chest. He rested his chin on top of my head and hugged me around the shoulders.

“Yeah. I was very nervous before you came today, and they got worried. So I promised I would talk to them.” It felt really nice to be so close to Dmitri. I wouldn’t have a problem staying like this for the rest of the day.

“Do you want me to be there when you do it?”

“Yes, that would be nice. Thanks.”

Dmitri kissed the top of my head. “No problem. Are you nervous now?”

“Kinda.” I snuggled against him more, and he made it so that his body became a kind of protective shell for me. “Not that many people know about asexuality, so I’m worried that they’ll take it the wrong way and say I’m just too young to know better.”

“If they say that, then I’ll tell them that if you’ve been my boyfriend for one-and-a-half months and still managed to resist my sexy charm, then it’s definitely not just about ‘not knowing any better’,” he said jokingly, though he was soon serious again. “I think even if that’s their first reaction, once you explain it a bit more they’ll understand. Your cousins are some of the nicest people I know. They would never hurt you on purpose.”

I knew Dmitri was right, but the anxiety didn’t go away just because of that. I probably wouldn’t calm down until I had spoken to Eiri and Jó and this whole thing was over. So I cuddled with Dmitri for a little longer, preparing to face my fears while in the safety of his arms.

We found Eiri and Jó enjoying some time together on the living room couch. I stood by the doorway watching them a little bit before I came in, because it was such a lovely scene to see. Eiri was lying with his head on Jó’s lap getting his hair caressed. Jó’s free hand was firmly clasped in one of Eiri’s, and they only had eyes for each other. They didn’t notice me coming in, and probably wouldn’t notice if the kitchen exploded, either. Dmitri embraced me from behind, and we listened to my cousin’s conversation until they realised we were there.

“It would be nice if we could have a little girl, maybe even two,” Jó said.

“You would be a great father. I don’t mind if they’re boys or girls, but two is fine by me.” Eiri smiled. “You can have as many as you want, I’ll just be happy we have a family.”

“You know you’ll be a great father too, right? Don’t put yourself down like that.” Jó leaned forward to get as close to Eiri as his spine would allow. I didn't understand why Jó thought Eiri was putting himself down with his answer, but judging by Eiri's face, Jó was right. “Any child of ours will be lucky to call you ‘dad’. I think we can have a really great family, but we’ll do it together.”

“Yeah, I know.” Eiri used his free hand to touch Jó’s face. “I just tend to question my credentials.”

“You’re not your father. He might not have been the best role model, but at least he gave you an idea of what not to be like.”

“I suppose you’re right. As always.” Eiri’s smiled widened, and he lifted his head to kiss Jó on the lips. “I’ll just be nothing like either of my parents and hope for the best. And when things get too complicated I’ll just let you deal with it.”

“Yes, yes, give me all the hard work.” Jó rolled his eyes. “I really hope we’ll get to be parents one day.”

“I know. Me too. It’s just Mum…” Eiri didn’t need to finish his sentence. Even I had an idea of what he meant. They probably wouldn’t be able to have any children while their relationship remained a secret. In order to be a father, Eiri would have to come out to Aunt Margrét, but he was not ready for it yet. It was kind of sad to realise that Eiri would have to risk losing his mother to become a father.

Eiri and Jó didn’t speak for a while after that. They looked into each other’s eyes and didn’t move until Jó suddenly realised we were there. “Oh, Gunni, is everything ok?” he asked, forcing a smile on his lips.

“I kind of wanted to talk to you about something, but I can come back later if this isn’t the best time.” After I saw the way their conversation ended, I didn’t think it was fair to give them more things they might worry about. What if I came out to them now, and they ended up worried that I had some kind of problem or wasn’t growing up like I should? I was probably overthinking things a little, but Jó and Eiri looked sad, and I didn’t want to burden them with anything else.

“No, no, it’s fine. We’re always here for you.” Jó gestured that Dmitri and I should come in, and Eiri sat up properly. I was too nervous to sit down, so I just stood in front of them and leaned against Dmitri’s body as much as I could. My boyfriend answered by giving me a tight hug and resting his head on my shoulder.

“I’ve talked to Dmitri about the thing that was making me anxious earlier, so I thought I should let you know too,” I explained. Jó and Eiri smiled slightly, and I took it as my cue to carry on. I thought my second coming out would be easier than the first, but my words were even more reluctant to leave my mouth this time around. “I used to worry that I didn’t feel like doing sexual things with Dmitri, that I was taking too long to get there. And I worried Dmitri was going to leave me if we didn’t have sex.” Dmitri kissed my cheek when I spoke about him. I smiled and kissed him too. “But then I realised that my feelings weren’t about not being ready. I think I’m just not interested. When Dmitri came in today, I came out to him as asexual. And I guess this is my coming out to you now.”

It ended up being an awkward way of explaining things, but it worked. My cousins smiled, relieved, and Jó got up to hug me (Dmitri got out of the way when he realised what Jó wanted to do). “Thank you for telling us, Gunni. We were worried that you were going to tell us something we couldn’t do anything about, but this isn’t really much of a problem now that you’ve actually told us, right?”

“No, I guess not.” If they didn’t think I was making it up or that I was too young to decide on such a thing, then it shouldn’t be a problem anymore. “Are you ok with it?”

“With what?” Jó asked, sounding surprised. “That you won’t go to a wild sex party and be coerced into doing things you’re not ok with because of peer pressure and then end up getting hurt and come crying to me? I mean, I guess you can go to wild sex parties if you want, but I get the feeling that’s not your style.”

I heard Dmitri snickering behind me, and I couldn’t help but blush. I didn’t want to think about wild sex parties, particularly ones with me in the middle of them. “No. Definitely not.”

Eiri and Dmitri laughed. Jó just smiled, but he sounded like he wanted to laugh too. “I thought so. Of course I’m ok with you being asexual, Gunni. Actually, it’s not even something I should have to be ok with, since it’s your life, but for the record, yeah, it’s fine. When your mum first suggested that Eiri and I house a teenager with us, we were worried that you would be the kind that goes to questionable parties all the time, and we would have tell your mother about all the irresponsible things you did behind our backs. But now you just saved us a lot of future headaches and premature grey hair.”

“I bet you’re glad you didn’t have to babysit me as a teenager,” Dmitri said jokingly. Jó let go of me to look at my boyfriend.

“If you were the way you are now back then, I would probably buy you a whole sex shop worth of toys just to keep you safe at home and away from places you could get hurt,” Jó deadpanned. His answer surprised even Eiri, so the three of us looked at him with wide eyes and dropped jaws. Jó smirked. “What? I’ve had my fair share of parties where there were so much drugs and alcohol being passed around that the next day I couldn’t remember if I had really wanted to have sex with the person next to me, or if we had used proper protection. I learned from my mistakes, and I don’t want the people I love going through the same thing.”

“I second that.” Dmitri smiled approvingly at Jó. “But I can assure you that if Gunni ever goes to one of my sex parties, you won’t have to worry. In my parties, everyone watches out for each other, and we have some clear rules on consent, condoms, and intoxication levels. I could even invite you to the next one, and you’ll see for yourselves.”

Jó and Eiri exchanged glances. I hoped they were not really taking Dmitri’s invitation seriously. It was already kind of embarrassing to imagine my boyfriend in a sex party, so I really did not want to think of a sex party with Dmitri, Jó, and Eiri in it. Thankfully, my cousins just laughed.

“You two are still together, then?” Eiri asked.

“Of course!” Dmitri answered enthusiastically. “Gunni and I have a very cuddly relationship, and we have no wish to end it any time soon.” To prove his point, Dmitri hugged me from behind again. Eiri and Jó nodded approvingly.

My cousins asked a few questions about how I found out about asexuality and came to identify with the label, so I told them about Vác and AVEN, and how reassuring it was to find out that there were other people like me out there. They were glad I had been able to find all this help on my own, though Jó made me promise I would ask him for help a lot sooner if something like this came up again.

“But if you see yourself as asexual now, does that mean you’re no longer gay?” Eiri asked once Jó was properly assured that I would definitely seek his help.

“Not really, I think. Sexual attraction is different from romantic attraction. I still want to have relationships only with guys. I’m not attracted to girls in any way, as far as I know.”

We didn’t talk for much longer after that. Now that the big anxieties about coming out were over, we could go back to our normal lives. My cousins probably still wanted their time alone together, and I wanted to enjoy Dmitri’s company a bit more before he had to go home. I still missed him because of the lack of contact we had during the week. Before we left, though, Dmitri had one last thing to say to my cousins.

“I think you’ll be great parents one day.”

(...)

The talk about children and parenthood must have stayed in Dmitri’s mind, because after a few moments of comfy cuddles in bed, he brought the subject up again. “Do you ever think about having children?”

“No, not really. Do you?”

His question kind of implied he did. I hoped my answer didn’t disappoint him. Not that we should be planning on having a family together or anything. Or at least I hoped he wasn’t. It would’ve been creepy if he did.

“Not usually. I’ve always been the wild type, so having a kid with the way I live right now would be a horrible idea. Even though I have a stable job and income, I don’t see myself as a responsible adult just yet, or at least not responsible enough to make a decent job of taking care of another human who was totally dependent on me.” Dmitri smiled softly. We were lying side by side on the bed in a lazy half-hug. “But I kind of wonder about it once in a blue moon. And I blame my stable job and income for my fantasies of conventional lifestyles.” He laughed, and I followed his lead. “At the same time, it’s weird, terrifying, and kinda cool to imagine a tiny toddler calling me papa. Maybe that’s something I’ll consider when I’m older and my doctor tells me to stop drinking before I lose my liver. I could use the kid to help me sober up.”

“I don’t know if that’s the right reason to want a child…”

“Oh, it wouldn’t be the only reason. It would be just a nice bonus.” Dmitri grinned. I felt weirdly relieved that he wasn’t being serious. “I would make it my life mission to be a much nicer papa to the kid than mine was to me. I would love the kid to bits and make sure I’m always there when there’s trouble and stuff. And for cuddles too!”

“That would be nice.” I smiled trying to imagine Dmitri taking care of a toddler. My imagination made it into a very heartwarming scene. “I think I’m too young to think about this kind of thing. I’m not even technically an adult myself, so…”

“Yeah, that makes sense. Like, girls are always made to think they want babies even before they know how to make them, but we guys only get to think about it when we’re actually about to start a family. And you’re not at the age to think about fatherhood yet.” Dmitri kissed my forehead. “Sometimes I almost forget you’re so much younger than me. I guess me being so immature and you being one of the most sensible people I know help to fill the age gap.”

“You’re not immature!” I protested, though I felt a kind of shiny pride from his compliment.

“Gunni, dear, I hate to disappoint you, but…” Dmitri started grabbing the tips of his fingers and shaking them slightly at every new thing he pointed out about himself. “One: I can drink as much alcohol in a day as normal people do in a week. Two: I’ll shag every male that moves as long as he’s willing. Three: Have you seen the mess in my bedroom? Four: I can’t cook to save my life. Five–“

“Ok, I get it.” I tried to make Dmitri stop before his list got too long. I didn’t like when people talked themselves down like that. “Maybe you’re not totally responsible about everything, but you’re great for the ones that matter most. Like with all the sex stuff. You said you learned your lesson, and now you don’t do it without condoms, and you make sure everyone involved wants to do it. And you’re really nice to me and to Siggi. I don’t think you’re as immature as you say you are.”

“I’m glad you think that way. At least it means I found the right partner!” Dmitri smiled and kissed me again. We were silent for a little while after that, enjoying each other’s company the way we usually did. My thoughts turned to what would happen if I eventually did have children. It was the first time I thought about it in any level of detail, and it made me realise something that I’d felt for a while, but didn’t quite know how to express.

“Fatherhood is actually a strange thing for me. The idea that people have fathers and do things with them is not something I’m used to. Even having someone call me ‘father’ sounds weird. It was never a word I used much.”

“Why?”

I thought I had mentioned this to Dmitri before. Maybe he just forgot. “My father died before I was born, so I never knew him. When I was in kindergarten and we did stuff for Father’s Day, I gave it to my grandpa. Then, after he died, I just gave everything to Mum. She was like both parents in one anyway, so I guess it was only fair, even if I didn’t really have another option.”

“I’m sorry that–“

“It’s ok. It’s not actually a bad thing.” I always felt a little uncomfortable when people tried to say they were sorry for my loss. Everything had happened such a long time ago, and it was not like I could feel the loss of someone I didn’t even know. “I just don’t have any idea of what it’s like to have both parents and call someone ‘dad’. It’s not something I did, so it kind of feels weird to imagine someone calling me that. A father is this kind of mysterious figure that looms in my imagination, not someone made of flesh and bones that I can relate to, or someone that I can become, in a sense. Does that even make sense?”

“Maybe.” Dmitri chuckled. “If it’s any help, I had both my parents, and they were equally shit at their job. Your mum did a really good job with you, though, and I think you’ll do a great job too when and if the time comes.”

“Thanks.”

“Most likely, if I ever have a kid, I’ll be on my own. If I stick to my promise of never finding love, I won’t have a partner to share the kid with. So I’ll really have to be sure that’s what I want if I ever go for it. Though a partner and a kid sound like a really nice family…”

“Maybe we’ll still be together by then,” I said as a way to try cheering Dmitri up. He looked really sad when he talked about having a nice family, and it hurt to watch.

“No way! You’ll have found someone a lot better by then! I really like our relationship and everything, but do you see us keeping it up for the next ten years? Is that what you want?”

“I… I haven’t thought about it.” I hadn’t even thought about anything past maybe a month from now, let alone years. I felt my face heat up. Was it something I should’ve thought about?

“It’s ok, you don’t need to feel embarrassed.” Dmitri kissed my forehead for reassurance. “It’s perfectly fine to live in the moment and enjoy our wonderful life together. I don’t think much about the future either, it just seems obvious to me that you’ll be with someone you actually love one day. You deserve that kind of relationship.”

“I guess…”

Dmitri probably could tell that I wasn’t convinced yet, so he decided to change the topic of the conversation completely. “And speaking of enjoying the present… I’ve started to make some plans for my birthday, and you’re included in them.”

“What do you have in mind?”

“For the two of us, I want a day to go watch a movie, have dinner in a nice restaurant, cuddle in bed, all the proper dating stuff that partners get to enjoy. We can even make it romantic for the sake of it.”

“That sounds nice. I like your plans.” I had never been on those kinds of romantic dates, so it would at least be an interesting experience.

“Great! It’ll be really cool to be with you that way.” Dmitri grinned a little, but he was soon serious again. “I have something else planned for the day before that, though, that I want to discuss with you. I don’t expect you to want to take part in it, but you’re welcome to if it’s something you really want to do.”

The way Dmitri introduced that other plan, combined with his serious face, gave me a bad feeling about it. But if he was willing to discuss things with me, they couldn’t be that bad. Hopefully. “What is it?”

“I’m going to have a sex party at home. There will be lots of guys, a ton of condoms and lube, and more fucking than I usually have in a month. I really want to celebrate my birthday in style, but if you’re not comfortable with me coming from a night-long orgy straight to our romantic day, I don’t want to force you to do it.”

“It’s your birthday, you should do what you want to do.”

“But I know how you feel about sex. We won’t have a good time if you feel disgusted or scared of the things I was doing before meeting you.”

Dmitri was right about my feelings, but I didn’t want to tell him that. Dmitri was a very sexual person and I had accepted that when I decided to stay in the relationship. I could work with being ok with the orgy thing. I could try to train myself not to get porn movie-style scenes popping up in my head every time I looked at him after said sex party. It would be my responsibility to accommodate his plans, not the other way around. “I’ll be ok. I want you to have fun and enjoy your birthday in the way that you like most.”

“Are you sure? I don’t want you to hurt yourself to please me. We’ve had this conversation before, and you know how dangerous that kind of thing is.”

“I know, and I’m not going to do that.” I wasn’t really hurting myself. I was just trying to do something that could improve our relationship in the long run. Even if I felt uncomfortable at first, it would be worth it in the end.

Right?

“Ok. I trust that you know what you’re doing.” Dmitri still looked very serious. Maybe he didn’t really believe me. “I’m going to go ahead with the party and tell my friends about it. But if you change your mind, please talk to me. I really don’t want to make you uncomfortable.” He put a lot of emphasis on the ‘please’. He really didn’t believe me.

“Ok. I’ll tell you if anything changes, but you should enjoy your party.” I smiled at him, hoping this would help to ease his worries. He smiled too, and we hugged, kissed, and didn’t say anything else about his birthday.

For the rest of the day, we hung out with Eiri and Jó (though we didn’t talk about children anymore), and I tried to teach Dmitri some basics about playing the violin. The lesson didn’t last long, though, because Tjúlli jumped on him while he was playing, and he ended up with more nasty scratches, this time on his back. Thankfully my violin survived the incident unharmed, but we decided not to try our luck again. Dmitri’s playing did sound more like a desperate cat screeching than music, so Tjúlli’s attack was kind of understandable. Dmitri promised to try teaching me the oboe next time I visited him, and I sensed the horrible public humiliation it would be, but I accepted the free lesson anyway. It would be a fair payback.

My violin may have survived Tjúlli’s attack, but I felt nervous for a long time afterwards. The violin was not only the way I earned my pay, but it was a memory from my grandpa that meant a lot to me. I didn’t want to imagine what I would do if it had been damaged. It would’ve been the stuff of nightmares. Dmitri, Eiri, and Jó tried to calm me down, but even then it took some time for me to feel like I could let go of my violin or allow Tjúlli to enter the bedroom again.

At nightfall, Dmitri decided that I was still not completely ok, and asked if he could spend the night to make sure I would be in good condition to go to rehearsal the next day. He called Siggi to check on him and to ask if he would be ok on his own for the night, and seemed very amused when he relayed to me their conversation (though I thought Siggi had been kind of rude).

Dmitri didn’t let go of me even when we went to bed. Not that I was complaining. I liked being so close to him, and I was really glad that he could stay the night. Now Dmitri knew that I was asexual, and he still didn’t want to break up with me. He would’ve even changed his own party plans to accommodate me if I asked him too.

Not for the first time, I realised how lucky I was to have Dmitri as my boyfriend. And then I dreamed we were really a family, and our son looked a lot like Siggi, but was much nicer and loved us a lot. It was such a realistic dream that I was confused and disappointed when I woke up and realised none of it had been real.