The Orchestra - Sinfónia Lifsins - 45. Something that We Both Want

The meeting about Kresten made me feel sick for the rest of the day. Even with my best efforts to concentrate on the music, I couldn’t look at Siggi without thinking about all the horrible things he went through. My imagination kept sending me flashes of scenes that were like horror movies depicting the things that Siggi told us during the meeting. Santa noticed I was distracted, but hopefully he was the only one. My lack of concentration and my mistakes were not as obvious as the ones Gummi was making. Our boss was so worn out from the meeting that he started the rehearsal with a preventive apology, asking us to be patient with him because he had not been having a good day. Gummi didn’t give any details, but the orchestra didn’t ask for them either.

Even though Gummi and I were having so much trouble concentrating on the rehearsal, Siggi played like nothing unusual had happened. He ignored Gummi’s blunders and glared at me every time I made a mistake, but he didn’t show any sign that the meeting had affected him. Dmitri wasn’t making more mistakes than usual either. Maybe this was a sign that Siggi was really over everything, and that I should stop worrying about him. Siggi was ok. He would be ok from now on. I had no reason to worry. I hoped that if I repeated it enough times in my mind, I would be able to return to my usual self for the next rehearsal.

But something changed on Tuesday, and suddenly Siggi seemed not that ok anymore. When he arrived, Dmitri, Karen, and Gísli walked by his side like bodyguards. They stayed in their little group until Gummi called us to start the rehearsal, and even then Dmitri took his time to make sure Siggi had settled ok in his seat before rushing to his place. I managed to catch his eyes for a second then, but he only smiled apologetically and turned away. For the rest of the day, our communication didn’t go beyond those quick glances and apologetic smiles. Dmitri only had eyes for Siggi, and after a while the same became true for me too.

It didn’t take me long to figure out what had happened. Dmitri’s glances and smiles were pretty clear, even if we didn’t actually speak to each other. Something had happened to Siggi on Monday night, and now Dmitri and his other friends were making sure he was ok. Siggi always tried sending away those who worried about him too much (Dmitri was usually the one at the receiving end of his aggressive name-calling and stubbornness, though I’d had my fair share of those too), but this time he didn’t push anyone away. He seemed just as apprehensive to let Dmitri go to his seat as Dmitri had been to leave him behind. Looking at them in this kind of situation and knowing that I couldn’t do anything to help made my chest hurt so much I almost forgot we were in a rehearsal. It was the sound of Dmitri’s tuning note that snapped me out of it.

It was obvious that Siggi needed as much support as he could get. He deserved it. I understood that Dmitri felt it was more important to be there for Siggi than to spend time with me, and I couldn’t blame him for it. If I could, I would’ve done the same. As sick as I felt about this whole situation, I knew Siggi would be feeling a thousand times worse, so I didn’t try to approach Dmitri for the rest of the week. I figured he would come to me when Siggi was feeling better. As much as I wanted his hugs and reassurances, I knew Siggi needed them more.

And so the rest of the week of rehearsals passed with Dmitri and I spending little time together. We did speak to each other after Tuesday, but never for too long. I asked him how Siggi was doing, and he tried to reassure me he was getting better every day. By the time the week’s concert came on Thursday, we were back to hugging and kissing, but we both kept an eye on Siggi even as we cuddled. Dmitri thought our situation was funny, but I couldn’t laugh like he did. It felt more sad than funny to me.

There was one sort-of-fortunate consequence of being away from Dmitri, though. If my boyfriend couldn’t be around me, it meant I had to postpone for another week my plans to come out to him. I still dreaded doing it, but the more time passed without me bringing up the subject, the guiltier I felt about it, like I was purposely hiding it from him to keep our relationship going. He had the right to know. As my boyfriend, it kind of concerned him too.

So on Friday I decided it was finally time to do something about it. If I was going to talk to Dmitri soon, I had to be prepared. The forums at AVEN could only help me up to a point, but if I wanted to be really prepared, I had to do what Mum taught me to do when something was bothering me: I talked to someone. In this case, Vác.

I waited until after Dmitri and his housemates left at the end of the rehearsal to approach the woodwind section. I felt awkward asking to talk to Vác while Dmitri was still around. I didn’t want it to seem like I was ignoring my boyfriend, or give him reasons to think that something suspicious was going on. While my sexuality remained a secret I shared only with Vác, it felt like talking to him was some sort of secret mission, and so it had to be done with the same kind of elusiveness. Vác seemed a little surprised to see me, but he smiled anyway.

“Hi, Gunni. Is there something I can help you with?” he asked. Vác probably figured that there was only one reason I would want to speak to him.

“Are you free to talk for a bit now? It won’t take long, we could go to the cafeteria and get something to drink…” I suggested, hoping to turn this into something more than just me using a person I barely knew to solve my personal problems. If Vác was the only one I could talk to about my sexuality troubles, then the least I could do was make an effort to get to know him better while doing it.

“Sure, I’m free right now.” Vác nodded and we made our way to the Harpa’s café. There were some tourists hanging around taking pictures of the building (the magnificent honeycomb-shaped glass walls of the place were a tourist attraction in itself), but it was otherwise empty. Nowadays, Jó was picking me up from rehearsals, so I texted him to let him know that I would be a little late and for him not to worry (I had a feeling he would tear the whole building apart looking for me if I didn’t show up when he expected me to, and I couldn’t decide if I thought it was a good or a bad thing).

Once we were sitting with our drinks, I tried to get straight to the point. “I want to come out to Dmitri, but I don’t really know how,” I blurted out, though a second later my resolve to deal with the topic evaporated. Was it even ok to rely so much on Vác to help me with my personal life? But if not him, then who else could I go to? “And I’m sorry to bother you like this, but I don’t feel comfortable taking about this stuff with anybody else, not even my family. I don’t know if they would understand. It was so hard even for me to accept it that I think it’ll be even harder for them.”

“It’s ok, Gunni, you don’t need to apologise.” Vác smiled again and took a sip of his coffee. “I’ve been in the exact same position that you’re now. I know what it’s like when you feel you can’t really open up to anyone because nobody will understand your situation. Even my parents still don’t think my sexual orientation is real, no matter how much I explain it to them.”

“Oh. I’m sorry to hear that.”

“It’s ok. My parents think I’m using asexuality to hide the fact that I’m really gay. They think I’ve always been in love with an old childhood friend and that I’m only dating my girlfriend because she’s all the way in Japan, which gives me an excuse to not have sex with her.” Vác sighed and took another sip. I was still too nervous to touch my hot chocolate.

“That sounds horrible.”

“Well, it shows why I can’t be completely open with them.” Vác shrugged. He didn’t seem that bothered by his own words, at least not as bothered as I was. “I’ve given up for the time being. I think the only way they’ll believe I’m not gay is if my girlfriend and I have a child together, but on the other hand that would kill any chance of them ever believing asexuality is a real thing.”

“I’m sorry.” Vác’s trouble with his parents reminded me a little of Eiri’s problems with Aunt Margrét. Even though Vác didn’t face the threat of being disowned or forced to break off all ties if his parents suddenly accepted his asexuality, he was still living a lie around them and forced into boxes that he didn’t belong in.

Vác laughed a little, but tried to cover it up with another sip of coffee. His cheeks turned red all of a sudden and he avoided looking at me. “I’m not saying this to make you feel bad, but that is the third time you say ‘sorry’ since we sat here.” He smiled apologetically, still not facing me.

Despite his words, I still felt my cheeks burn in embarrassment, and I turned away from him too. “I didn’t mean to… I mean… I didn’t know what else to say…”

It had not been the first time that someone told me I apologised too much. Last time it had been Siggi, and he had made it clear that this was one of the reasons he hated me. So even if Vác didn’t mean for it to sound like a bad thing, I still felt it he was criticising me for it.

“It’s ok. Don’t worry about it. Or forget I said it even. I didn’t want to make you feel bad. I’m the one who’s sorry now.” Vác’s voice rose in pitch at every new sentence. By the time he was done speaking, we were both turned away from each other with red cheeks and embarrassed expressions. We were silent for a bit, until we realised what kind of situation we were in. We realised that we probably looked really weird in the eyes of clueless passersby, and that thought made us smile again. Even though I didn’t know Vác that well, what I already knew of him was turning out to be very similar to my own self. Those surprising similarities helped me feel more comfortable bringing up the main reason for this conversation again.

“It’s ok. It’s just that I don’t know if my family would understand and be able to help me with this. They’re all wonderful people; I love them very much, and they never had any problems with me being gay. But this is something completely different. I want to come out to them too at some point, but first I think I need to tell Dmitri. He’s my boyfriend, so this affects him more than anyone else.”

“And you want my help in telling him?” Vác asked. His tone was soothing and gentle.

“Kind of. I don’t even know how to bring it up or when would be the right time to do it.”

Vác looked at me for a while before he spoke. He seemed to be considering his words carefully. “I know for a fact that you at least won’t have to explain to Dmitri what asexuality is. If you tell him you’re like me, he’ll understand. We’ve already had this conversation.”

“Really? When?” I asked, feeling excited and scared at the same time. I had a vague memory of Vác mentioning that he and Dmitri had talked before, but I didn’t know the details.

“It was not long after I joined the ISO. He wanted to make me feel welcome here by flirting with me and asking if I was, well, ‘interested in his company’.” Vác blushed a little, and I felt my face heat up too. It wasn’t hard to imagine Dmitri flirting with Vác (because Dmitri flirted with every man he met), and so it was also easy to see how embarrassing it must have been for Vác to be in this position. “So I told him I don’t feel that kind of attraction towards him or anybody else.”

“And what did he say?”

“He said he had never though such a thing could be possible, but that since he was a ‘sex addict’, it made sense that there would be people out there who were the exact opposite of him. And then he never flirted with me again.”

“Dmitri said he was a sex addict?” I felt a sense of dread building up inside me. This was not something I wanted to hear about my boyfriend. It was one thing to know that Dmitri liked sex and didn’t miss an opportunity to do it with someone, but the words ‘sex addict’ left a bad taste in my mouth. They rang all kinds of alarm bells that would’ve made me run away screaming if they referred to anyone else.

“That’s what he said back then, but that was quite a while ago.” Vác seemed concerned. I probably looked as wary as I felt. “Did I just make you feel even worse? I’m really sorry.”

“No, no… it’s ok. It’s just… I don’t know if it’s really a good idea to be in a relationship with someone who’s so obviously sexual. Even if he knows what asexuality is and respects your lack of interest in him, how can I be sure he will have the same kind of patience with me for as long as I need? What if he decides that I’m just wasting his time?” The floodgates of fear opened again, and my insecurities shot out of them like they had been launched by cannons aimed at my chest. I turned to Vác hoping he would be able to stop the onslaught of my fears, but even he couldn’t help me much.

“I can’t answer those questions, Gunni. I’m sorry. The only way for you to know is to talk to Dmitri, tell him all your concerns and see what he says. Communication is key in any relationship, but if it involves people as different as the two of you, then it’s probably even more so. If you don’t tell each other about your fears and worries, both of you could end up getting hurt.”

“But how do I talk to him?” My voice got a little louder, but I didn’t mean to shout. “How do I even bring it up?” The cannonballs of dread were nearly destroying the weak wall that prevented them from taking over my heart. I needed answers. I needed to make this attack stop before I just curled up into a ball and never spoke to Dmitri again. There had to be a way. I needed some kind of hope that things would still turn out ok in the end.

“My suggestion is that you get straight to the point. Tell him that there is something important about you that he should know, and then ask if this changes anything about your relationship. Do it in a place that you feel comfortable in and where you two can be alone. That way, you don’t have to worry about other people interrupting, and the familiar surroundings should help you relax.” Vác smiled again. “And anyway, it’s Dmitri you’re talking to. He’s someone you know well and who likes you a lot. Even if he doesn’t want to carry on with your relationship, he won’t do anything bad to you.” That was my hope. Vác also thought that Dmitri wouldn’t take it too badly. What was the worst that could happen? Dmitri did like me as a friend, after all.

“I know.” I tried to smile back, but my lips trembled and I ended up biting my lower lip instead. “I guess I’m finding it extra hard because it’s the first time I’m coming out to someone.” The cannons stopped at least for a while. Vác had given me enough of a reassurance that I could think a little bit more clearly about the situation and figure out what was making me so insecure. I hadn’t realised it before, but the thought suddenly came to me and it made a lot of sense. “I was very lucky that when I realised I liked guys, everyone around me acted like it wasn’t a big deal, or even something they expected. I didn’t have to come out as gay to anyone, so now I guess I find it even scarier now.”

My mum and Fríða had both known I was gay before I knew it. My friends from school took it as naturally as if I had announced I had a new girlfriend. And at work nobody batted an eye at Dmitri and me cuddling and kissing in plain view. Not even the newspapers that slanted Dmitri for being a sex worker and for dating someone seven years younger than him thought that the fact that we were two guys was worthy of condemnation. I´d had it so easy that I couldn´t even imagine what Dmitri’s life was like in Russia when he had to hide who he really was for his own safety.

But my time had come, so to speak. I had to come out now, and as something most people didn’t even know existed. It was hard to not think that things would’ve been a lot easier if I could just stick to being simply gay, but I didn’t really have a choice.

“It’ll be all right. Whenever you decide to tell Dmitri, please let me know how it goes.”

“I will.” I tried to smile at Vác again. It was a little easier than before, but I still didn’t manage it fully. “Thanks so much for your help. I’ll do what you said and get straight to the point. I guess I’ll ask Dmitri to come over to my house and try not to get too nervous.”

“Sounds like a good plan. You might want to think of what you’re going to say beforehand and prepare some kind of speech, in case you end up feeling too nervous when you’re on the spot.” Vác took another sip of his coffee, and I realised I had completely forgotten there was a full mug of hot chocolate in front of me.

“Ok. I’ll think about that. Thanks again, I can’t even tell you how much you’ve helped me. I guess I’ll see you Monday, and then I’ll tell you everything.” I drank my hot chocolate in one go (I felt kind of guilty for forgetting about it), and left Vác at the café. Hopefully this wasn’t a rude exit, but I didn’t want to leave Jó waiting any longer than he needed to.

“See you, and good luck!”

(...)

After my talk with Vác, I spent my Saturday alternating between playing violin and thinking about how to come out to Dmitri. I used the music to relax me every time I started to feel too panicky about my prospects. I came up with lots of ways Dmitri could react to our talk, and then tried to prepare for them. If Dmitri didn’t see any problem in having an asexual boyfriend, I pictured us spending the night together, cuddling in my bed. In case my coming out resulted in a friendly break-up, I imagined us having one last goodbye cuddle before he called it off for real. And if the worst happened and Dmitri didn’t even want to be my friend anymore (as unlikely as it was, I felt I should be prepared for everything), all I could come up with to cheer me up was going on a mission with Jó to find a giant chocolate cake and eat it whole before the next rehearsal.

It was already past midnight and I still couldn’t sleep. All of the day’s planning and preparation kept my mind too busy to let me drift off to the world of dreams. I was planning to call Dmitri early tomorrow to ask if he could come over to talk, but my anxiety and sleeplessness kept telling me to call my boyfriend right there and then. I had to call Dmitri to get this whole thing off of my mind. I didn’t even know if he would be awake. It was too late to be social over the phone. I would be bothering him. I could end up making him worried. There were too many reasons to make me wait until morning.

But fifteen minutes later, I still couldn’t sleep. I tossed and turned in bed, and my urge to speak to Dmitri got so bad that I started to hear our conversation in my mind so loud I couldn’t concentrate on anything else. I had to call him. The more I waited, the more socially-unacceptable my call would become. So I fished my phone from the bedside table and hoped for the best. Dmitri picked it up quickly, hopefully because he was still awake and the phone was in his pocket. “Hi, Dmitri, sorry I’m calling so late.”

“No, it’s ok. I wasn’t sleeping yet,” Dmitri answered cheerfully. It sounded like he wasn’t lying. As I expected, just hearing his voice made me feel better. Despite my nervousness, I missed talking to him after a whole week of being more or less on my own.

“Listen, I… I think we need to talk. I’ve been thinking about lots of things in the last few days and… and…” I tried to say the things that had been on my mind, but the words didn’t come. Dmitri was waiting for me to finish speaking, though, so I tried again after a deep breath. “Can you come over tomorrow? I know I could’ve waited a while to call you, but I was feeling a bit anxious and I couldn’t sleep. I’m sorry.”

“No problem, don’t worry about it.” Dmitri still sounded cheerful. I could hear him sort of laughing as he spoke, and it helped me feel better about my lack of manners. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Thank you. The thing I want to talk about is really important, but I’m kind of scared of it,” I confessed, though I didn’t want to worry him.

“Aw, it’s ok. I’ll do my best to make you feel ok tomorrow. I’m here for you.”

“Thank you, I know that. You can come any time you want; I don’t think I can be any more ready to do this,” I told him. I felt like if it depended on me to set a time for our meeting, I would keep postponing it until forever. It was better to let Dmitri decide when he could come.

“Then that’s what I shall do! Whatever it is that’s bothering you, try not to worry too much. We’ll sort it out, ok?” Dmitri tried to reassure me again. His words sent warm feelings to my body, and in the end, I was glad I had decided to call him.

“Ok, I’ll try. Good night.”

“Good night to you too! Sleep well and have some distance cuddles!”

“You too!”

Because of Dmitri’s wish, I ended up dreaming that I had won a competition at work and the prize was a whole day of cuddles on a giant couch with Dmitri and Siggi. I laid between them, and the three of us exchanged tender touches, hugs, and even kisses. It was the best dream I had ever had.

(...)

Dmitri texted me at eleven in the morning to let me know he was on his way over. I had been up since eight because of my building anxiety, so I had plenty of time to prepare. At breakfast I made a mess trying to pour milk into my cereal bowl, then knocked over the paper towel holder when I tried to clean the milk up. Eiri laughed at the scene, but because I had been so anxious and stressed over the last few days, I found nothing funny about my lack of motor coordination. I started to cry instead, and Jó quickly jumped to my rescue. Eiri stopped laughing too when he realised what was happening.

“Gunni, what’s wrong? Are you hurt?” Jó asked. He finished cleaning up the milk and cradled me against his chest.

“No, no, it’s nothing,” I answered, even though I knew Jó wouldn’t believe me for a second.

“It doesn’t look like it’s nothing.” Jó caressed my hair. I heard the sound of a chair scraping the floor and soon Eiri was next to me making soothing motions on my back. “Did something bad happen at work?”

“No, it’s… it’s nothing like that.” I relaxed against Jó’s body, but I couldn’t stop crying. “Dmitri is coming later this morning. I need to talk to him about something and it’s making me… I think I’m scared.”

“Scared of what? Are you breaking up with him?” Jó asked again. He didn’t stop touching my hair.

“No. I mean, I don’t want to, but… I hope not.”

“You know you can tell us anything, right?” Eiri said. He sounded worried and I felt guilty for not talking to my cousins about my problems before.

“I know. But I need to speak to Dmitri first before I can tell anyone else.” Eiri and Jó hugged me, and I ended up crying even more.

“That’s ok. We’ll be here when you need us,” Jó said. We forgot about breakfast for a while, but thanks to my cousins I felt much stronger and ready to talk to Dmitri when the time finally came.

 (...)   

“Hi, Gunni, it’s good to see you. How are you?” Dmitri opened his arms asking for permission to hug as soon as I opened the front door for him. I let his arms encircle my body and focused on the warmth of his touch. My cousins had agreed to stay in Jó’s office to give us maximum privacy, and I was really grateful for that.

“How’s Siggi?” I asked, mostly because I didn’t want to answer what he had asked me. It would’ve been hard to tell him how I was feeling without starting my coming out speech.

“He’s getting better. He all but threw me out of the door today, saying that he couldn’t stand to see my face any longer and that I should get a life that didn’t revolve around babysitting him.” Dmitri laughed. “So I’m now officially forbidden to come back home until it’s dark outside.” He tried to make a serious face, but he couldn’t stop grinning. “You said you wanted to talk. What’s this about?”

“Let’s go to my room.” I rested my head against Dmitri’s chest, avoiding eye contact. I stayed in his arms as much as I could before taking him upstairs. The words I had prepared the previous day came back to me just as we both sat on the bed facing each other. Tjúlli appeared out of nowhere to sit between us, like a watchful chaperone keeping us from doing something inappropriate. I would’ve laughed if I wasn’t feeling my heartbeats resonating in my throat.

“Are you ok?” Dmitri asked, reaching forward to touch a loose strand of my hair. “What is it that you wanted to tell me? Did I do something you didn’t like? Do you want to break up?”

“No, no, it’s nothing like that.” I hurried to reassure Dmitri. His face seemed so sad when he asked about breaking up that it was kind of reassuring. “It’s… well…” I took a deep breath and focused my attention on Tjúlli’s cute face because I couldn’t bring myself to look at Dmitri for this. “During the sleepover at Vác’s house the two of us ended up talking while you were having fun with everyone else, and–”

“I think I know where this is going.” Dmitri interrupted me with a funny sing-song voice.

“You do?” I asked, surprised and confused. Could he really have figured it out so easily? Did it mean I wouldn’t have to say any of the things I prepared? I turned to him on reflex and saw that he was grinning.

“I think you’re going to tell me that you and Vác are now an item and you want my blessing on having a second boyfriend. Am I right?”

Dmitri was smiling so much I couldn’t help but smile too. His suggestion that I was in love with Vác sounded so silly that I couldn’t feel bad for having my hopes of not having to come out crushed. Dmitri sounded like he knew his guess was wrong from the start, but he said it anyway to break the tension and make me feel better.

“No,” I answered, still half-smiling. “Vác and I were talking about something else. He said if I explained it to you this way you would understand.” I took another deep breath. This was the moment I had been preparing for all this time, but now that it was so close I felt almost calm. “I think I’m like him in the way I feel about sex.”

“Oh.” Dmitri cocked his head to the side and stared at me for a few seconds with an unreadable expression on his face. I thought he was confused, but he spoke before I could try to clarify things. “So you’re trying to tell me you don’t want to have sex? Is that right?”

“Yeah,” I answered in a whisper. I had to take my eyes away from him again. Tjúlli moved towards me and put his head under my hand to make me pet him. “At first I thought I was just too young and I wasn’t ready for it, but after I talked to Vác I realised it’s probably more than that. I feel scared and kind of repulsed by anything that involves genitals and butts, and other kinds of sex don’t really sound appealing to me either. I’ve been thinking about it a lot in the last few weeks, and I’m now pretty sure I fit somewhere in the asexual spectrum.” This was the little speech I had prepared following Vác’s advice. I had chosen my words carefully, and I practised saying it out loud until the words were so fixed in my brain that I would still be able to say them even if anxiety was preventing me from thinking. I let out a relieved sigh when everything came out right.

“Aw, I see.” Dmitri’s tone didn’t sound disappointed. I felt his hand on my face again, and looked up to see him smiling tenderly. “Does that mean you won’t have sex with me at all?”

I felt my cheeks heat up long before I convinced my lips to move. “Probably not. I understand if you want to break up because of this.”

“Wow, who said anything about breaking up?” Dmitri’s face became more concerned. He got as close to me as Tjúlli would allow, just enough to make our foreheads touch. “Do you want to break up with me?”

“Not really, but…”

“I don’t want to break up either. Were you nervous all this time because you thought I would?” Dmitri sounded worried. His hand found the back of my head and touched my hair.

“Kinda. I thought that if sex was so important to you, you wouldn’t want someone who would never do it. I don’t want to waste your time or anything like that.”

“Aw, that’s kinda cute of you, but no.” Dmitri let go of me and returned to a more upright position. “I know it’s hard to believe, but I’m not all about sex.” He grinned, but it didn’t last long. He bit his lip and stared at me for what seemed like an eternity before he spoke again. “I want to tell you something too, but I want us to cuddle while I do it. Is there any way we can move the cat without losing our hands in the process?”

“I’m not sure. I think Tjúlli doesn’t like to be handled by people unless he wants us to touch him.”

Dmitri turned his attention to the cat, who was busy licking his privates (maybe our talk bored him?). My boyfriend probably found the ass-licking entertaining, because he leaned closer to get a better look. Tjúlli finally noticed the attention and turned to him too. The cat seemed annoyed for having his grooming interrupted, but didn’t give any signs that he wanted to peel Dmitri’s face off.

Yet.

“Hey, Tjúlli, how about you let Gunni and I be proper boyfriends and get out of our way? I bet the couch in the living room hasn’t got enough cat hair on it yet!”

Tjúlli stared at Dmitri with the same bored eyes. Dmitri blinked. He looked like he really expected the cat to answer or to at least understand him. But soon Tjúlli lost interest in the staring contest and turned back to grooming.

“Fine, then. I’ll take one for the team.”

I didn’t have time to stop him. Dmitri dove towards Tjúlli and grabbed the cat with both hands. The furry psychopath hissed, growled, and slashed at every angle he could reach while Dmitri walked from the bed to the door to throw him out on the corridor. When Dmitri closed the door and returned to the bed, his face was marked with a smug grin and three deep scratches that ran down his right cheek. There were many more scratches on his hands and forearms, but he didn’t seem bothered at all by them. I, on the other hand, felt the pain just by looking at him.

“You didn’t have to do that!” I scolded him, grabbing a tissue from my bedside table and hurrying to stop the bleeding on his cheek. “You got really hurt!”

“It’s ok, I’ll live.” Dmitri laughed. He let me carry on with my attempt at first aid until the bleeding was under control and my tissue box was eleven triple-sheets lighter. “You did something very brave telling me about your asexuality even though you were scared I was going to break up with you. The thing I want to tell you about… there are parts of it that I’m still not brave enough to share, so I thought I should do some other brave thing to balance it out.”

“Grabbing Tjúlli wasn’t brave, it was reckless!” I scolded him again. I really meant my words, but Dmitri just laughed them off. “I’m serious! Don’t do it again!”

“Ok, I’m sorry. I guess I just need to laugh a bit before we turn to the serious stuff.” Dmitri was still smiling, but much less so. I instinctively hugged him, and he kissed the top of my head. “Let’s do some cuddling. I’ll need all you have to offer.”

“Sure. Let’s.”

We laid side by side on the bed, and Dmitri hugged me. He ended up becoming the big spoon, keeping an arm tightly around my waist and another over our heads, playing with my hair. He was silent at first, so I concentrated on the feeling of his body against mine and on the relief that my first coming out had gone so well.

“I really like the relationship we have right now, you know,” he started. It was hard to tell if his tone was cheerful or nervous. “The cuddles, the close body contact, this whole ‘being there for each other’ thing. I really like doing those things, and you’re the only person I allow myself to do it with. You’re someone I consider safe, and so all the things we do… they’re really special for me. And knowing that you don’t want to have sex actually makes me relieved. To tell you the truth, I don’t think I would want to have sex with you either.”

“Why not?” I wasn’t expecting that. This confession was even more mind-blowing than my discovery of asexuality. I had spent so much time worrying that Dmitri would think I was taking too long to be ready for sex, only to find out he didn’t want it after all. If he wasn’t so tense, I would’ve laughed at the irony.

“See, that’s the part that I’m not brave enough to tell you, or at least to tell you the details.” Dmitri’s hand pressed even harder against my waist. He was holding on to me with everything he had. “A couple of years ago I had a boyfriend. I was really in love with him. I did everything for him, anything to make him happy. I thought he was going to be the person I was going to spend the rest of my life with. But I was wrong. I was really wrong.” Dmitri didn’t say anything for a while. His grip on me got so intense and desperate it hurt, but I couldn’t tell him to stop. His chest moved slowly, but rhythmically against my back, like he was carefully counting his breathing. “Things ended so badly that I realised the best thing for me was to never get into this kind of romantic relationship again.”

“Never? Isn’t that a bit extreme?”

“I don’t think so. This relationship made me realise that when I’m in love with someone and I really care about them, I forget my own needs and I do anything to make sure the other person is happy, even if it hurts me. My emotions are really intense. When I feel something I really feel it, so it’s hard for me to step back and realise what kind of shit I got myself into. In other words, I’m safer if I don’t fall in love ever again.”

“I…” I didn’t know how to react to that. I felt sorry for Dmitri, and sad, and afraid that something really horrible happened to him in that relationship. If he couldn’t bring himself to tell me more, and if what happened was so messed up that it made him decide to never love anyone again… It could only have been some kind of nightmare. Dmitri was such a nice person, he didn’t deserve something like that.

“So… even though I already liked sex way before that relationship happened, once it was over I decided sex was all I really needed. If I only met other guys for a quick fuck, there was no way I would ever get attached to any of them. There wouldn’t be any risk of falling in love and messing up my life again. So I started making my presence well-known in the Reykjavík gay scene, and I think I managed to fuck most of the city’s gay population by now.” Dmitri’s grip relaxed. I felt a little embarrassed for hearing about his sex life, but I had too many other things on my mind to let it get in the way. “But we never cuddle afterwards, we never hang out after sex, and we don’t see each other again until it’s time for the next fuck. The only exceptions to this are the guys from work and Siggi and Gísli. I’m friends with them, but the ISO is so much like my family that it naturally prevents me from falling in love with any of them.”

“I didn’t know you felt that way about the ISO.” I knew that Siggi considered the orchestra to be his family, but I didn’t think the same would be truth for Dmitri too.

“The ISO is a special place in more ways than one.” Dmitri kissed the back of my head. “All that is to say that you’re even more of an exception. When we got together and you told me you weren’t ready for sex, our cuddles made me realise that I really missed having that kind of close contact and intimacy that sex with acquaintances couldn’t give me. But at the same time, it’s the very fact that we don’t have sex that allowed me to get this close to you in the first place.”

“What do you mean?” I couldn’t follow Dmitri’s logic very well. Was he saying that he could have either cuddles or sex, but never the two together?

“A relationship with a person I’m in love with includes both cuddles and sex. If I was to have that kind of relationship with someone, I would probably end up being reminded of that man, and I wouldn’t feel safe. But cuddles feel much more intimate than just sex for me, so I can’t just cuddle with anyone. It puts me in a position of vulnerability, I guess, so I have to be absolutely sure that the person I’m sharing these moments with is someone I trust.”

“You trust me that much?”

Dmitri’s words made me feel like crying. I never imagined that our relationship could’ve been so important to him, or that my presence in his life meant so much. I didn’t think cuddles could mean that much to someone.

“Yeah. You’re very much like I used to be before that relationship. I see you doing the same things I did when I thought it was my duty to please my partner. If anything, you’re the one who stands to get hurt if you don’t learn to step back and realise what you’re doing.”

“You’ve been trying to teach me to do that, haven’t you?” I could remember a few times that Dmitri made me give up attempts to make him feel good while doing something that I didn’t like. He always seemed very determined to not let me go down that path, and now I understood why.

“Yeah. I don’t want you to get hurt; you don’t deserve it.”

“You don’t deserve it either. I think you’re a really nice person, and a wonderful boyfriend.”

Dmitri kissed the back of my head once again, and hugged me tightly for a second. Once he let go, I turned around to face him, and was surprised to see that he was crying.

“Thanks. Someday I’ll have the guts to tell you the whole story, but for now I’m just glad that you’re here.”

It was my turn to hug him. I shifted my position on the bed so that I could place his head on my chest and caress his hair. Dmitri cried silently in my arms for a while. “I’m glad you’re here too.” I kissed the top of his head, and he looked up with a shy smile on his tear-stained face.

We didn’t speak for a while after that. Now that I understood just how much our cuddles meant for Dmitri, I felt like we didn’t need words to appreciate each other’s company, just the warmth of our bodies close together. Dmitri trusted me enough to let me see a part of him that he hid from everybody else, even though we had only known each other for a few months. He was probably right about me being just like him, but if that was the case, then I wondered if I had to be careful around my emotions too. Would I really give everything up for the sake of someone I loved? Was I capable of sacrificing my own happiness to see my loved one happy?

I didn’t need to think any further than my latest interactions with Siggi to realise that yes, I would. I would do anything to make Siggi feel better, and I didn’t care if I could end up hurt in the process. Siggi would be worth it.

But then I looked at Dmitri crying in my arms, and I realised the danger of walking down that path.