The Icebox - 18. Confessing to Ghosts

Officer Henson

 

I scroll through the report with a frown on my face.

 

“You think he’s lying now?” Alex asks while bouncing her foot.

 

She doesn’t look up at me when she says that. She’s too busy setting up the plan for our next mission.

 

“Unfortunately, no,” I say. “However you should’ve waited until I had given the go ahead. I still outrank you and you need to run everything by me. Sending a scout without my knowledge could have led to them leaving their base. Hell, it could’ve led to the death of said scout.”

 

She sighs and nods. “I know. I’m sorry. It was stupid. Still, it would be nice if you’d give me some slack. You’re forcing me to work with that killer.”

 

Sitting up, I sigh internally.

 

“Alex. I thought we were past this now.”

 

She stares me down with a flash of anger in her eyes. “He almost killed me! If I didn’t have my helmet on, he would’ve busted my head open!”

 

I nod. “Alright, I admit it. That was dangerous and I realize he shouldn’t be training with people anym-”

 

“He shouldn’t be doing this at all,” She cuts in. “He’s a criminal! All of them are criminals! They shouldn’t be pampered and given these opportunities!”

 

I sigh and turn off my holoscreen.

 

“You already know what you were getting into,” I say. “I told you my plan, you agreed to it, and now you’re angry because you see him in person again.”

 

She crosses her arms in a pout. “It isn’t only because of him that I’m angry. He killed our people when we brought him in. U.U.P.P. decides that he deserves to live a lavish lifestyle here. It’s unfair and ridiculous!”

 

I nod. “I don’t entirely disagree, Alex. It is weird how they run things here, but at the end of the day I can’t do anything about it. We’re only here to run our new squadron.”

 

She snorts and waves me off. “Oh please. Everything is almost always about that brat now. I already know what you’re doing and I don’t like it.”

 

I give her a confused look.

 

“Don’t act all coy with me. You and I both know that you’re using him to fill in that hole in your life.”

 

“Sammy isn’t dead, Henson. He’s down there,” She motions for the window behind me showing off the earth. “Maybe you should do what he asked? Retiring can’t be that bad, right?”

 

Standing up, I motion for her to leave. “You’re dismissed, Alex. That’ll be all for today.”

 

She stands as well. “May I speak freely?”

 

“As if you haven’t already?”

 

She smiles. “C’mon now. I get it. It’s a heavy subject but surely you shouldn’t be seeking a son out of someone in a place like this?”

 

She isn’t wrong.

 

I know it’s wrong but I’ve failed Sammy. Nothing I do will change his feelings towards me.

 

Zafiro isn’t my way to make things right. I genuinely want to help him!

 

As much as he makes me think of Sammy, I know it would do nothing to help with my own son.

 

Sammy doesn’t understand that what I’m doing is to protect him.

 

The Burn has made a few threats towards different sectors. One of them includes where Sammy is currently living.

 

Sammy wouldn’t even answer my calls. His wife told me that he refused to listen to my pleas for them to move out of there.

 

I’m desperate to make sure nothing happens to him. That includes using criminals to do it.

 

“I haven’t given up on him,” I say. “Retiring isn’t going to fix things. I need to be here. I need to make sure nothing bad happens. He may not see it now, but I think after this case is done, he’ll see that I really do care for him!”

 

She pats my hand. “Come on. I didn’t mean for you to get all sappy with me. Sorry I brought it up. I know it’s stupid to compare this little relationship with that thief.”

 

I sigh and sit back in my chair. “Alex you aren’t wrong. I am getting attached to him. Everytime I look at him, I realize he is just a kid who is sick.”

 

She sits down as well. “Of all people to get attached to, you just had to pick someone we brought in?”

 

I shrug. “I mean it should’ve been obvious to us, right? When I think back, he was treating it like a silly game when we captured him. Hell he was dancing when there were gunshots going on. Remember that?”

 

She nods and crosses her legs. “Yeah I remember. I also remember him laughing while killing my squad mates.”

 

My gaze drops to my desk. “I feel guilty for everything about that night. I should’ve prepared everyone for the worst. I shouldn’t have underestimated that kid.”

 

Alex keeps nodding slowly and starts picking at her nails. “Don’t beat yourself up too much, Henson. He didn’t exactly look threatening. It sure as hell wasn’t like anything we’ve gone against before. Not even Firelight had crazy augments like he’s got.”

 

Now all I can see are the dead faces…or what was left of their faces.

 

That kid really is dangerous.

 

I eye the stitches Zafiro gave Alex.

 

He really almost killed her.

 

Clearing my throat, I place an order for our upcoming missions.

 

“I’m going to bring a small custom cell,” I say. “We’ll say it’s for everything, but if we really can’t trust him with the mission then we’ll keep him in there.”

 

She arches a brow at me. “You think that’ll help? By the time we get him in there the damage would’ve been done.”

 

Unfortunately, she’s right about that.

 

“I don’t know what to do about him honestly,” I say while rubbing my temples. “I know he’s incredibly valuable but it’s like playing with a bomb that’ll go off at any moment!”

 

She chuckles. “You already know what I think you should do.”

 

I send her a small glare and then go back to sulking.

 

“But since you don’t want that answer, you should at least keep him on a tighter leash.”

 

I curse under my breath.

 

“He has to go off on his own for this next mission,” I say slowly, already waiting for her to yell at me.

 

She stares at me in an unblinking stare for what feels like hours.

 

“What,” She gets out.

 

“From what your secret mission says, our targets are taking security seriously this time. They must be expecting us to attack.”

 

She narrows her eyes at me. “This doesn’t tell me why he’s going in by himself.”

 

Scrolling through my files, I pull up a few videos of Zafiro breaking into different homes, stores, and museums.

 

“His specialty seems to be breaking into any and everything,” I say. “If he can sneak in and turn off their alarms, then the rest of the squad can-”

 

Alex abruptly stands up and moves for the door. “Do what you want, Henson. You already know I’ll do whatever you tell me to. Just don’t expect me or anyone from our old squad to be happy with it.”

 

She walks out and then I’m alone again.

 

Dammit.

 

I know this isn’t something people would be happy with. Nobody wants to hear that criminals are out here doing these delicate missions, but at the end of the day, each of the skills from these people are going to make life better for all of us!

 

That includes Alex. Not just Sammy. Everyone.

 

~~~

 

Zafiro

 

I whine slightly as I stretch my arms.

 

“Why are you up there?”

 

I look down and see Anjak peeking at me from the entrance of my cell.

 

There was a bar that was most likely made for curtains?

 

It’s strong as hell and so I’m hanging upside down with my legs.

 

“I wanted to see if bringing blood to my head would clear my mind.”

 

He tilts his head in confusion. “How strange.”

 

I snort. “That’s what you find strange about me?”

 

He grins.

 

That whole thing didn’t work anyway. It only made my head feel tight.

 

Slipping off, I land in front of him and we walk out.

 

He had asked me to join him at the pool today.

 

Apparently, Anjak has been feeling a bit stressed and lonely. He told me he really liked our little moments from before.

 

We haven’t done them too much since our first mission,

 

It was pretty sweet seeing this big guy shyly ask to snuggle in the water.

 

Obviously I said yes.

 

For one thing, he’s my friend. For another, he’s hot as hell!

 

I’m learning I have a type.

 

Well…I learned I have a new addition to my type.

 

If he’s a pretty, beefy, colorful alien then I am more than willing to be with him and I want him now!

 

We make our way to the pool and quickly go to change.

 

It was a quiet walk so I can tell he has a lot on his mind.

 

“Zafiro,” Anjak says after a moment in the changing room. “What did you see that night? I keep thinking about it. During the mission.”

 

Ah.

 

It’s like I’m with the goddamn therapist again.

 

First Zee and now this?

 

I look at him a bit annoyed. “Can’t we just hold each other in peace and silence? Maybe even let me blow you or something? Hell I’ll even let you try and fuck me!”

 

Anjak frowns. “Zafiro, I will not have sex with you.”

 

Now I pout. “Why not?”

 

“You’re too important to me,” He says. “My kind does not like sharing and I know you are more than happy to let anyone distract you. I would not be happy with that.”

 

I bite my lips and look away, a bit hurt by that.

 

“I’m not a slut,” I grumble and cross my arms.

 

He sighs behind me. “You may say that but I have known you for three years now, Zafiro. I have seen how you cope with your problems.”

 

I roll my eyes. “I’ve only started that recently! I’m sure of it! Zee said I was in a relationship for a while with him anyway.”

 

“That was only for a few months before you had reset,” He says.

 

Now I turn to him,

 

“You know it really ticks me off when you all call it a reset,” I say with my hands on my hips. “I’m not a damn computer program!”

 

He bows his head. “We only want to help you. We aren’t trying to make you feel bad! Please understand that we’re not exactly professionals with this. It pains us to see you struggle with the voices and visions.”

 

He reaches for me but I smack his hands away.

 

“Oh fuck off,” I scoff and start changing back into my uniform. “All of you act like it’s the worst thing ever. It’s not like I’m out here killing everyone left and right! So what if I’m hearing voices? If anything, they are starting to sound a lot better than all you assholes. They don’t constantly make me feel like the nut case that they bring along to everyone’s agony!”

 

“Yeah, you tell him!”

 

Anjak tries to speak but I interrupt him.

 

Shoving on my tank top, I then start shouting in anger.

 

“For once it would be nice if everyone wouldn’t keep freaking out! It’s not like you have to walk on eggshells around me! I’m not gonna blast on you and start beating the shit out of you! You’re all my friends! Last I heard, none of you are my fucking doctors!”

 

Slamming my locker shut, I walk out.

 

Anjak calls after me but I ignore him.

 

“They all are turning on you.”

“Everyone is too scared!”

 

I shake my head to myself.

 

My face feels hot and I need something to hit.

 

God I need my punching bag now.

 

“All our friends are getting tired of you.”

“They could only handle so much!”

 

I bite my tongue to stop myself from responding.

 

“Who knew Anjak would be the first to break?”

“Is he the first? Everyone is already distancing themselves.”

 

“Not all of them,” I say quietly and turn for my hallway.

 

“Not all, but those will turn soon.”

“They always do.”

“Shouldn’t we know by now that family never stays forever?”

 

With that voice, my stomach twists and all I see are the bodies of my dead family.

 

I didn’t even get to bury them all.

 

Is Soul still where I last saw him? Is he rusting away after all this time?

 

Did Cody’s gang dump him somewhere to be alone forever?

 

My eyes burn as tears threaten to fall.

 

Turning into my room, I am about to blast my music but I hesitate.

 

“We’ll keep you company.”

“We’re here for you!”

“We wouldn’t turn our backs on you!”

“...Eh.”

 

Deciding not to this time, I get some hand wrappings and ready my punching bag.

 

“We should’ve known this would happen sooner or later.”

“Are you that surprised?”

 

Getting into my fighting stance, I make sure that this time I’ll hold back my punches.

 

I don’t want to break this thing again.

 

“I thought things were finally going to be alright!”

 

I punch and exhale with a soft, “me too.”

 

“With the way things have been going, why would you ever?”

“Who would’ve known that even people stuck up here could get bored of us?”

“It’s because they are stuck here! They come up with the scariest thoughts as easy as breathing air.”

 

My head hurts thinking about what everyone could be thinking about me. I already know what Anjak thinks of me. What about everyone else in my little circle?

 

“Zee seems to still be on board. He’s probably only in it because of your ass though. He made it clear how much he loves it!”

 

I roll my eyes.

 

“I imagine everyone else is simply getting bored or maybe feeling overwhelmed.”

“Why would they be overwhelmed if all we do is dance and follow orders?”

“And get plowed.”

 

I pause for a moment and ask, “Am I really that much of a slut?”

 

All the voices immediately say yes at the same time.

 

Rolling my eyes again, I wave them off and get back to beating sense into this thing.

 

“We get it. You do it to make you not think of Tin Can.”

 

At the mention of him, I freeze.

 

“Let’s…let’s not talk about him,” I whisper.

 

“Why not?”

“It’s not like we can tell anyone your thoughts.”

“We aren’t that creepy therapist.”

 

“I don’t want to think about him,” I say. “You’re in my head. You already know my thoughts about it.”

 

“Not entirely.”

“You make sure to distract yourself all the time. We barely have time to think about his pecs anymore!”

 

Now I'm imagining them bouncing again when he was running on a treadmill shirtless.

 

I sigh and turn to rest my back against the wall.

 

“We’re here for you!”

“Everyone else is going away so you need to let us get closer with you!”

 

“God, you all are talkative today,” I groan and rub my head.

 

“Come on!”

“Yeah, tell us!”

 

I sink to the floor and lean my head back against the wall, staring up at the ceiling.

 

“I’ve never felt…feelings for someone before,” I say slowly. “I had flings I guess? Never bothered looking for anything more. Never felt anything special.”

 

“It looks like you do for Ze-”

 

A bunch of the voices shush that one voice.

 

“I don’t know how it happened. One moment he was just some officer chasing me around, the next he’s a sweet guy who made me wanna throw up from looking at him!”

 

“That…that doesn’t sound good.”

“Such a way with words!”

 

“It scared me. I wanted nothing to do with it and the last time I remember speaking to his face, he told me felt even more!”

 

I shake my head at that whole memory.

 

“And I told him I might feel the same way,” I sigh wistfully.

 

“Did you mean it?”

 

I shrug. “I don’t know. I’m still new to this! I haven’t felt it since then…at least not for anybody else.”

 

“Not even Zee?”

 

My eyes water and blink a lot to keep them from falling.

 

“Maybe an older version of me, but not this time. I feel that old version’s feelings from time to time, but they don’t feel like they belong to me.”

 

“It’s like someone placed someone else’s memories into me but then pulled them back out. It was done in a shitty way since I still feel small things and vaguely remember stuff. I can’t see myself feeling the same way as I do for Tin Can.”

 

“Do?”

 

“I thought I was still talking with him after all this time! Those stupid feelings from three years ago are still here and they don’t wanna go away!”

 

“Fucking around won’t fix it.”

“Or maybe it will!”

“Why not go visit him?”

“Who the hell is going to let us leave to confess our feelings?”

“It’s not like it matters. He’s moved on.”

 

I nod and wipe my brow. “He’s definitely moved on. He sounded happy talking about his new catch.”

 

I can’t believe I told him to move on.

 

Did I lose feelings for him at some point? I can’t see myself doing that. I wish I knew how so I can do it again and get it over with.

 

I’m tired.

 

I’m tired of being here. I’m tired of the way everyone looks at me, the way they act all cautious around me, and I’m tired of not being with the one I can’t stop thinking about everytime I try and use someone to forget about him.

 

I don’t know what to do.

 

“Ice cream usually works for these things, right?”

 

I smile and huff out a small laugh.

 

Out of the corner of my eye, I swear I see a red shadow wrapping itself around me.

 

Normally it scares me when something like it shows up.

 

This time it’s not so bad. It almost feels…comforting.

 

“When everyone moves on, we’ll be here for you, Zafiro.”

“Yeah, always!”

 

I smile and can’t be bothered to stop the tears now.

 

“...I still recommend ice cream!”