Chasing Rusty Parker - 48. Nothing But A Crush

Chapter Forty-Eight – Nothing But A Crush

Was that the most difficult part of being heartbroken? Matty couldn’t wrap his head around the information written in the textbook in front of his eyes, as all his thoughts continued to crawl back to Rusty, no matter how stubbornly he tried to rein them in. Only several days ago, he had felt so happy and full of hope, and now he was going through the exact opposite. No wonder he had never been in love until now. It sucked, and it went against everything he stood for: logic, reason, comfortable expectations. He almost regretted having gotten that cat boy suit.

Studying was impossible. It was all he had right now, emotional drama and upheaval aside, but he couldn’t use his logic and reason to get back into it and do the things that were convenient and not bound to give him any heartaches. Absent-mindedly, he traced invisible lines over the formulas he had yet to learn by heart. Why weren’t people as simple as that?

He got to his feet and walked over to his closet. The cat boy suit was still there, of course. He would probably have to get rid of it. Or maybe he was just jumping to conclusions, right? He and Rusty had been friends for months; they might just meet again and have a little fun at Matty’s ill-timed confession, some weeks or months in the future.

With a deep sigh, he shook his head. No, he couldn’t see himself doing anything of the kind. As long as Rusty Parker had been nothing but a crush, he had been a safe choice. Matty had moved through college life with a deep focus on his studies and moderate fun. And then, he had gotten to know the real Rusty Parker, and he had fallen in love for real.

The real Rusty Parker? That simple question gave him pause. What words had Rusty used? Sunshine and rainbows? Yes, he had mostly known just that part of him, with very few exceptions. Matty felt his anger rising inside him again. He had wanted to know Rusty completely, to learn him by heart, but when had the other let him?

He closed the closet door so fast and hard that it shook on its hinges. Great, now he was developing anger issues, and he just couldn’t make sense of any of it. There was just one person who could make it make sense.

Without thinking twice, he grabbed his phone. On the fourth ring, he knew he had to give up but couldn’t stop himself and just let it continue until the system disconnected the call. That was his answer, right?

They weren’t even friends.

Just as he was about to throw the phone on the bed and wallow a bit more in his own despair, a cheerful ring announced that he was being called back.

Zoey’s voice did nothing for his disappointment. “Am I demoted from bestie position? We didn’t talk yesterday at all, or today either.”

“Sorry, Zoey,” Matty said and sighed so noisily that the next thing he knew, Zoey was onto him.

“That sigh, what’s that sigh all about?” she asked quickly.

His first impulse was to tell her that nothing was wrong, and he was just busy studying, but one, Zoey wasn’t that easy to fool, and two, lying to her didn’t make him any wiser or better than Rusty, who didn’t want to let anyone in on his pain.

“Do you want me to give you the tl;dr version?”

“Just so that I can take my next breath. If you don’t realize it, I’m holding this one. Then, you can give me the long version.”

“Rusty broke up with me. Wait, that’s not--”

“He did what?!” Zoey’s shout forced him to remove the phone from his ear for a moment.

“I’m to blame,” Matty said quickly. The last thing he wanted was to have Zoey jump to the wrong conclusions. “I was supposed to offer him comfort and understanding… and, well, I just blurted out the truth. He didn’t take it well. Actually, at first, he thought I was just joking, and then, when I insisted – because how could I not? – he just kicked me out. Ah, and I gave him back the key he had made for me.”

“Damn,” Zoey whispered. By the shuffling sounds he could hear on the other end, he could only surmise that she was trying to find a place to sit down. “What a moron.”

“Yeah, I know, you don’t have to tell me,” Matty said with a bit of pique. “I’ve been kicking myself mentally--”

“Not you. Him,” Zoey said.

“I love you, Zoey, I really do, but I can’t agree with you. He’s in a dark place now, and the last thing he needed from me was to tell him… those stupid words.” His voice cracked a little and he took a moment to stop himself from crying like an idiot over his own mistakes.

“Yeah, I know that his life got tough quickly, and I don’t blame him,” Zoey said. “But, I don’t know, Matty. If I were in his place and someone professed their love to me, I think I’d be happy or at least comforted in a way. Even if I didn’t return the guy’s feelings. Wait, Matty… that’s it!”

Being friends with Zoey came with hearing impairment, but Matty still wouldn’t trade his bestie for the world.

“Yeah, I mean, can’t you see it?” she continued in her usual boisterous way. “It’s because he does that he behaved like that!”

“Hmm, you’re making less sense than usual because I have no idea what you mean. Has Dex swallowed half your brain with all that kissing practice you two have been having?”

“Sorry, sorry, I’m connecting the dots way too fast for a mere mortal such as yourself,” Zoey said. “What I mean is that you shocked Rusty so hard with your confession because he, too, is in love with you!”

Matty groaned and rubbed his eyes. Zoey was good. She could make him smile under the direst circumstances, and that meant a lot. “I don’t follow your logic, bestie.”

“That’s because it’s a different logic from yours,” came the honest and prompt reply. “If Rusty’d had no feelings, or only lukewarm feelings toward you, he would have just said something like ‘thank you, Matty, but I don’t feel the same’. Now, tell me, did he say anything like that? Hmm, hmm?”

“No, he didn’t, but let’s just say that it was the kind of situation where actions spoke louder than words. I don’t think he even wants us to be friends anymore.” Damn, his voice cracked again. This wouldn’t do. He wasn’t the kind to cry so easily, right?

“I’m coming over there right now,” Zoey declared. “And no, before you ask, you can’t wiggle your way out of it.”

“I didn’t say anything.”

“Even so, I knew you were going to. Because, despite your flower boy look, Matty, you’re like the toughest person I know. And I’m not letting you be the kind who hides in the dark to lick his wounds.”

“How did you know that would be my favorite activity for the foreseeable future?”

“I just did. And don’t worry. While Dex might only be my kissing partner at the moment and nothing else, I am willing to beg him to kick Rusty’s ass for breaking your precious little heart like this.”

“Oh, gawd, Zoey, please don’t involve other people. Things are bad enough--”

“Yeah, and that’s why friends should help,” Zoey interrupted him. “Okay, I’m not going to ask Dex to do that because, frankly, he scares me a little because he’s so big, and if he takes my words at face value and really kicks Rusty’s ass, who knows what might happen?”

“Just come already,” Matty said and felt like smiling again. He could use a little bit of pick-me-up conversation with Zoey. She had the skills to make him feel better.

Maybe she could help him figure out what to do next, how to talk to Rusty. He wouldn’t take those words back, not in a million years, but maybe he could find a way back to being friends.

And stop feeling so down. That almost never happened to him. It was new, and it was bad.

***

“Why are you two here?”

Maddox and Jonathan traded a brief glance. “We live here, remember?”

The two lovebirds were up and about at seven in the morning and blocking the way so that he couldn’t leave his room as inconspicuously as he had wanted to.

“Well, good for you, now can you please get out of the way? I’m in a bit of a hurry, and you’re standing between my bladder and the bathroom.”

His attempt didn’t faze Maddox at all. “Good. Since you have a reason not to make this conversation longer than necessary, let’s cut to the chase. What happened between you and Matty?”

“Isn’t it a bit too early in the day for gossip? Why do you care?” That had come out harsher than he intended. But words were words, and once they left your tongue, you couldn’t pull them back in your mouth.

Maddox shook his head. “Rusty, this isn’t like you. He looked so devastated when he left here two days ago.”

“He’ll get over it,” Rusty replied and tried to push his bestie out of the way. “Maddie, for real. Why do you want to know so badly?”

“Matty cares about you. What could you say to him to make him feel so…” Maddox looked at his better half for help.

“Unwanted,” Jonathan supplied and fixed his eyes on Rusty hard.

Damn, that was one stare you didn’t want to be on the receiving end of. It reached inside him and made him feel things he didn’t want to feel. He didn’t need them to tell him what Matty had looked like. He had looked like someone whose rug had been pulled from under him. Like someone who had lost something important. And Rusty had been the cause of that.

“Trust me, it hurt me more than it hurt him,” he said brusquely. Maybe a little bit of honesty would get him off the hook for now.

“And how do you know that?” Maddox got into his face. “We’ve seen him around. He looks so down, which means that, whatever happened between the two of you--”

“Should stay between the two of us,” Rusty said and pushed Maddox slightly.

He clenched his fists when Maddox didn’t budge.

Jonathan seemed to sense what was going on and got between them. His hand was warm and placating as it landed on his shoulder. “What Maddox is trying to say is that we’re here for you. And I know,” he said, raising his voice a little and giving his fiancé a warning look, “that he knows you like no one else does, but we want you to know that we’re not trying to make you feel bad here.”

“Unless it serves the purpose of making you see the truth,” Maddox added, looking at him from two feet away.

Rusty realized with bitterness that he wouldn’t mind it a lot if he happened to come to blows with his bestie, just for the sake of letting out some of the mountain of anger he had stashed inside. He had been working on building it up for the last several days, so he had a good amount of it. Still, it wouldn’t serve anyone to lash out at Maddox, who wanted only what was best for him.

It was one thing to know that, and another thing to act like it.

“If I don’t come back tonight, don’t call the police,” he said in a harsh tone. “It only means that I have found another bed to sleep in. Like I usually do.”

He was well aware of the perplexed looks on the faces of his friends as he brushed by them and hurried down the stairs. He needed to be anywhere else but inside claustrophobic spaces like this, where people wished to help him so much, when he wanted just the opposite.

***

Zoey hugged him tightly the moment she saw him. Matty had to unglue her from him in the end, although it did feel good to have someone care like that. They sat on the edge of the bed and only held hands for a while, because that was the kind of friend Zoey was to him, the kind who knew when to shout until making your ears bleed and when to be quiet like right now.

“How are you going to get him back?”

Her question took him by surprise. “He made his point, Zoey. I don’t think there’s coming back from it.” He wished things were different, but he had never seen Rusty like that. Every word they had exchanged seemed like such a final sentence between them.

“No, you’ve worked so damn hard for him,” Zoey contradicted him. “I mean, I understand if you suddenly stop caring about him, but I know you well enough that I don’t think that’s the case, Matty.”

“Just before the thing with his mom happened, I talked to my mom on the phone, and she really got me thinking. Especially now,” he confessed. “I mean, what if all this time I have fooled myself into thinking that I’m in love with Rusty?”

He wanted to hear Zoey confirm it, but all he saw in her eyes was compassion. She didn’t hurry to eagerly tell him that it had to be that, only infatuation and nothing more.

“I’ve known you all these years, Matty, and you’ve been so steadfast in your crush on Rusty that it can’t be just that. Okay, so if college had been over, and you hadn’t done a thing to get close to him, I would have told you to let it go. But that didn’t happen. You’re the most serious crusher in the history of all crushes, Matty. You put in the effort to get close to him, to know him. If there was nothing there, you’d know by now. So, let me ask you. What do you feel right now?”

Matty ran his hands over his face and rubbed his eyes. “I can’t… I mean, it’s like my mind refuses to accept it. I can’t even study, and you know me.”

Zoey nodded thoughtfully. “Yes, you can study through a hurricane. Which only means that this is bigger than any weather condition. Even climate change,” she added a joke for good measure. “Which brings me back to my opening question. How do you plan to get him back?”

“Ugh, I don’t even have the courage to talk to him again. I mean, I’ve called, but he doesn’t answer, so I guess that’s that. He’s telling me to leave him alone.”

Zoey shook her head repeatedly. “I still can’t understand how he could do this to you. It all must be because of the shock caused by what happened to his mom. Although, for the life of me, I can’t see the link between the two.”

“That only means I should leave him alone for a while, right?”

“No, not at all. You need to shake him up, Matty. Even if he continues to say the same crap, you don’t have to take it lying down. I mean, if you give up so easily, doesn’t that make it look like you didn’t mean it in the first place?”

“That’s quite the logic, Zoey. You know, I didn’t mean to say it. To confess. I went to his place just to comfort him over what happened with his mom. And then, he said some bad things about himself, and the words just flew out of my mouth. Just like that. I couldn’t control them. Isn’t that scary?”

“Yeah, it is. Well, maybe not as scary as having your face devoured by a giant in a kiss. Sorry, my bad, I shouldn’t joke or compare the two.”

“It’s okay, I can use making a little light of the situation as it is. I can’t hold anything against him. I have really bad timing,” Matty continued.

“Look, you would have said those words anyway, sooner or later. Now, you can just plan for stage two.”

Zoey, always the optimist. But it was one of those things that made her such a great friend.

“Then I think that I need to go talk to him again. At least, as a friend. And if he brushes everything off like it didn’t happen--”

“That won’t happen. I saw the way he kept staring at you. It baffles me beyond reason that he reacted the way he did. You need to get to the bottom of this, Matty. I’m rooting for you.”

Matty nodded, feeling a bit better already. The timing had been bad, and maybe Rusty hadn’t meant all those things. There was one way to find out, right?

***

“What’s with you here?” August asked him the moment he stepped inside. “You’re supposed to be in class, right?”

“Oh, spare me the spiel, grandma,” Rusty said morosely and moved past her so that he could crash on her sofa.

She closed the door without saying another word. However, he was pretty damn sure that the lecture would come nonetheless.

“Any changes?” she asked as she sat by his side and turn toward him.

“No, she’s still the same. It’s just that the guys at the house are giving me pain because I broke up with Matty.”

The moment he said it, he realized his mistake. He swallowed hard and ground his teeth.

“And why did you do that?” August asked.

“We fell out as friends,” he hurried to say.

August groaned and then flicked him on the ear. “Your power of denial is outstanding, Rusty, but that doesn’t make what you just said any less of a fine example of one of the most moronic things you could ever say.”

“The fuck is that supposed to mean?” he asked, but his usual ploy, the strength with which he made people think whatever he wanted, was faltering.

“It means that you should just stop lying to yourself. You’ve been with this guy for how long?”

Months. They felt like forever. In a good way. The best of ways. But his dad was right. Fooling someone into believing you were someone else, that you two could work out when it wasn’t possible, that was wrong. And not in a million years did he want to do wrong by Matty. Not Matty. Anyone else, maybe he could have lied a little to them. But not to Matty.

“He confessed his feelings to me, you know?” he said, thinking that, of all people, if there were someone who would get it, it had to be August.

“Get out of here!” August slapped him on the shoulder so hard that it hurt.

He rubbed the abused spot and glared at her.

August’s expression changed from surprise to being pissed off. “And you broke up with him? Why on earth would you do that?”

“I thought you’d understand.” There was only so angry he could be at himself. What did the world want from him, anyway?

August caught his arm and dragged him down before he had the chance to get away. “Hey,” she said, softly this time, “it’s okay. Talk to me.”

Okay, at least she wasn’t challenging him to a boxing match like Maddox had. He sat his ass back down.

“Me and Matty, we’ve had like a ton of fun. But that’s all we did,” Rusty began. “And it’s not like I don’t like him…” He stopped for a moment, waiting for August to contradict him. When that didn’t come, he continued. “He’s amazing. I should have known better than to get so crazy involved with someone like him.”

“So, you’re protecting him, huh?” August asked and gave him a sideways look.

“Yeah. It’s for his own good. I mean, he doesn’t even know who I really am.”

“Not his fault,” August pointed out.

“Okay, true, I admit it. And I take full responsibility. Do you think that if I offer him the opportunity to punch me in the face, he’ll take it?”

August shook her head. “Okay, I have like a thousand thoughts in my mind right now while you talk bullshit but I’m here to listen because I’m your friend. So, go ahead, and I’ll try my best not to interrupt you.”

Rusty felt like caving into himself altogether under her inquisitive stare. But there wasn’t much for him to do now except for dealing with the aftermath. His life would be so different from now on. If he ever wanted to be someone who didn’t make the same mistakes his parents had done, he needed to start working hard on that.

The toughest part about it? He had no idea where to start.

“He said he loved me,” he let out with a sigh. “If I were a scumbag, I’d take it and run with it. Matty deserves better, don’t you agree?” As promised, August remained silent. So there was no other option but to continue. “And he’s not even in love with me. He’s just infatuated with the king of Sunny Hill, who does it all for show.”

“And you’re sure as hell that’s the case,” August concluded and pursed her lips.

“Yeah, I’m sure.” He crossed his arms and looked stubbornly forward. “I know he’s upset now, but I’m saving him a lot more pain in the future.”

August pressed her index finger against her lips and seemed to ponder something. “Are you reenacting your parents’ relationship right now, Rusty? With Matty as an unwilling participant?”

“No, I’m preventing it from happening again. I know, my dad is… what he is, but he has a point. He and mom just barreled forward, even had a child, although they knew they weren’t good together.”

“And that’s you and Matty, happening again. For the sake of the argument, who’s who?”

Rusty gave her an exasperated glare. “It doesn’t matter. For the sake of whatever, I’m both my father’s and my mother’s son. And Matty… well, he’s perfect and he deserves a perfect guy.”

“Aren’t you missing something here? Something essential?”

“There’s nothing that matters more than not causing Matty a boatload of hurt in the future for choosing wrong. That’s all.”

“And you? How do you feel about it?”

Cut in half. Destroyed from one end to the other, all the interior space he could call his own turned upside down. But maybe that was the kind of pain it took to do the right thing.

So he shrugged. “I’ve been better, sure. It’s not like I break up with people all the time. This is… kind of a first. It’s nasty. It sucks a bag of dicks.” He was talking faster and faster now. “What more do you want me to say? Matty’s better off. And I’m sure it was nothing but a crush on his part. After all, from freshman year I’ve been all over the place, playing my freaking part. He must have gotten a wrong idea of who I am. Which only means that this thing between us was doomed to fail from the start.”

“Wow,” August said dryly. “Do you usually play all the main roles in the dramas in your head? All this stuff you’ve said, and now’s the moment when I stop being silent because I just discovered that it doesn’t suit me, all this stuff is made up by you and you alone. I don’t see Matty anywhere in what you’ve just said. It’s only what you think.”

“Yeah, well, it’s a no-brainer,” Rusty argued. “All we’ve ever done together was fool around. All he’s known about me was what I chose to show him.”

“And I bet he’s eager to know all the rest of you and do more than fool around. The guy went with you to your brother’s birthday. I’ve seen you two. You’re joined at the hip. And I saw you happy, Rusty, and please, please, don’t tell me you just faked it, because I know it’s not true. During all this time you two spent together, it’s impossible that you kept a mask on all the time. No one’s that great an actor. Once the curtain falls, people go home.”

“Funny you talking about masks,” Rusty said through his teeth.

“Right. You’re Rybalt, too. And you’ve been your truest self while donning that cape.”

“No, you’re wrong. That has to go, too.”

“Ah, you’ve finally decided to go pro. That’s good,” August said.

Rusty shook his head harder. “No, I’m done with that. With singing. It was nothing but playacting.”

“What?!” August grabbed his shoulder and shook him. “You can’t be serious. So, your parents aren’t going to win mom and dad of the year, but what the hell has gotten into you?”

He was eerily calm as he turned to face her. “Don’t you see? What’s the point in pretending to feel everything when you’re nothing but callous and don’t give a damn on the inside? I don’t want to be another fake artist, to be one more of the same crowd.”

August slapped her forehead and groaned. “Rusty, Rusty, Rusty Parker! Would you just stop? Do you think that getting rid of all the passion in your life will make your mom better? Let me break it to you. No, it’s not going to happen. The only person you’re hurting here is yourself.”

“Are you done? I wanted to crash here all day, but it looks like you’re just as annoying as the rest.”

“You’re going to crash here because I’m not letting you leave and make some stupid mistake,” August said and got up. “But you will have to do your own thinking, because it looks like I’m not getting through to you.”

He didn’t have the energy to get up and make mistakes as she was predicting. So, her ultimatum suited him just fine. He’d do all the thinking he needed to make things better, but in his own way.

***

Zoey’s comfort had helped some, especially with his decision to try and speak to Rusty again. Since his phone remained stubbornly silent, there was another way he could approach the matter at hand. He was used to finding solutions all the time, right? Even if he didn’t have all the unknown facts at hand, it didn’t mean that it wasn’t worth a try to discover a way out of this mess.

Maddox was the one who answered the door, and the look of pity in his eyes told him that the rest of the house was at least a bit aware of what was going on. Had Rusty confided in his friends? If so, what had he told them?

“Hi Matty. Come in,” he said and made room for him to step inside.

“I don’t want to be a bother. Is Rusty in?”

“No, he’s not.”

“Then I guess I should try again later tonight.”

Jonathan appeared in the door. “You might end up making the trip for nothing.”

“How do you know?” Maddox asked.

Jonathan grimaced and frowned. “He just texted me. He’s not coming home tonight.”

“Ah, fuck,” Maddox murmured under his breath. “This is all part of his finding another bed to sleep in, right?”

The question hadn’t been aimed at him, but Matty felt like it didn’t have to be. It was so easy to read between the lines. Rusty Parker could sleep anywhere he wanted. Doors opened for him, and not only doors. He hated himself for thinking that, for putting a label on someone he had come to consider so close to him.

“Did he say where he is right now?” he asked, mustering all the courage he could.

Jonathan hesitated.

“I’m a big boy, I can take it,” Matty added with a forced smile.

“He says he’s with August, but that doesn’t mean that they’re together,” Jonathan said hurriedly, while his eyes darted to Maddox, as if he were looking for help.

Matty nodded and took a step back to leave. “Thank you, Jonathan. And Maddox.”

“August is just his friend,” Maddox said.

He was already leaving. And that was all the information he needed. Friends or more than that, Rusty had found a harbor for all his sorrows. And it wasn’t him. And it hurt.

And he could do absolutely nothing about it.

TBC